Dramatic News Just In From The Campaign Trail!

A bombshell hit today right in front of the nation’s amazed eyes. Campaign watchers are stunned. Opposing campaigns are all scrambling as to how to react and discussing whether they should respond in kind.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I got carried away in the heat of the moment and forgot to tell you what has caused all this consternation...

One of the candidates told the truth about one of the candidates running against him.

There you go again thinking I am being silly. OK, I admit I made this Foolishness up but I do believe it could actually happen...Or could it?

Would I kid u?

I Agree. The Rich Must Be Made To Pay...More!

Since the rich are rich and we now know they are also evil, they ought to be made to pay extra for everything they buy.

I am calling for all rich being made to wear an ankle bracelet which will identify them as rich. The bracelet will emit a magnet field around their person that will activate a Soak the Rich Computer Chip in every cash register and credit card swiping machine in the country. The chip will calculate into their bill a series of surcharges intended to whittle them down to a proper financial size.

For starters we could have...

• +10% just for having too much money. (Definition of “too much” is subject to change.)
• +5% for being evil.
• +5% if they own a luxury car.
• +5% for every vacation home they own.
• -2% if they own a hybrid car.
• -3% if they own an electric car. (They will also be given a list of government approved psychiatrics so they can have their heads examined. Being in Analysis is one of our most proven ways of shrinking banks accounts. It is almost as good as children’s braces.)

By no means am I implying that this is a complete list. I feel certain that a super committee of bureaucrats, concerned citizens, the unemployed and the folks back home can come up with an expanded list that would turn the majority of the Stinking Rich into the Once Stinking Rich in a manner of a few months.

If we used to be able to put a man on the moon, we can do this!

Would I kid u?

Have You Despaired About Stopping Tattoos? ... I Have A Fix

Tattoos are everywhere. I have often thought that, if I were stupid enough to get a tattoo, I would be smart enough to hide the tattoo that I was stupid enough to get. What I mean is I would wear clothing that would hide the fact that I had a stupid tattoo.

This is not the case with the tattooed people that surround us. I have seen on many an occasion that these people actually wear clothing that shows off their stupidity.

I recently saw a Celebrity that walked down the red carpet with a slit in the side of her dress that was there to make sure that her adoring fans would be sure to see her tattoo.

This bimbo had a paragraph of script writing down the side of her body that transgressed the full length of her slit sided dress. Or course, it was not readable unless you walked up to the Celeb and asked, “Would you mind raising your arm and standing still for awhile so I can read this innermost expression of your persona?”

Below is an example of Script Tattooing. This one is the words of a Justin Bieber Song. If you make it large enough to read, I am sure you will be inspired or amused or disgusted (take your pick).

What the heck is wrong with these people?

As you (if you are a loyal reader) have come to expect, I have a remedy...

We ought to pass a federal law that requires all Tattooed Americans to wear Burqas!

If these mental midgets were required to be hidden inside burqas they would certainly stop getting tattoos. They obviously have a strong desire to show the world their tattoos and, if they could not show their tattoos, it just might take all the fun out of it for them.

Would I kid u?

My Presidential Pick

It is my humble opinion that anyone who runs for President of the United States ought not to be elected President of the United States.

The fact that a candidate announces intention to run for this position is undeniable proof that that candidate does not have good judgment.

On the other hand...

Any candidate that has announced for the presidency and later has had the good judgment to withdraw from the race displays extremely good judgment and is the kind of person that would make a good President of the United States and I would be willing to give that person my vote.

Would I kid u?

Its Got To Be Worst Than You Think

For close to a year we have been reading that Syrian Security Forces have been trying to put down street protests. We hear that 3 were killed here and 6 were killed there and the total (we always like to read about totals) is a few thousand. If the late Paul Harvey were visiting with me today, he would urge me to tell you The Rest of the Story.

Actually I don’t know The Rest of the Story but I know enough to know that the story we do know can’t possibly be the unvarnished truth.

What’s that you just said? Did I hear you say that I have no way of knowing that this story is not the true story? I am ready to defend this position because I have used Common Sense. If you don’t remember what Common Sense is ... Google It!

Here is how I pieced together my skepticism...

• We read articles that say that thousands demonstrated this day or that day.
• We see pictures of the thousands crowded together like sardines in local town squares.
• We know this is true because Middle-Easterners do everything crowded together like sardines. If a Middle-Easterner decides to go to the 7/11 and get a bag of pretzels, he first calls up 30 to 40 friends to go with him.
• Recently I read that Syrian Security Forces had changed tactics. The article said that they had been using automatic weapons and artillery but this day they changed to tear gas.
• Here is where my use of Common Sense came into play. Demonstrators are bunched together like sardines in small town squares all over Syria. Security Forces have been shooting at them with automatic weapons and artillery. How is it that only 3 to 6 people get killed at a time? It is Common Sense to know that the bad guys would have to be terrible marksmen for them to hit so few targets, therefore, they must be varnishing the truth.

If we are ever told the truth, we are going to find out that a lot more people have been falling down dead in Syria.

Would I kid u?

World Turned Upside Down ... Part 2

We once were comfortable in our accomplishments.  Sadly, the world has moved on.

People who have achieved success in the world of business were once looked up to. Now the word “success” itself is being looked upon with suspicion because, to be successful, the succeeder (I know that’s not a word) certainly had to take advantage of, do evil to and/or steal from others.

We seem to be striving for a day when Americans will say to each other...

We Do Not Have Much but No One Else Has More

Disclaimer: I did not make up the bolded print above. I don’t know who did. I read that it had been said by a person living in the Soviet Union.

Those of you who are on the Business Success Is Evil Bandwagon better not be too comfortable in your attack. Once “they” are finished taking the wheels off that wagon, they will be coming after you.

I can see the following on a talk show of the future...

• He made a lot of money and he tried to hide his evilness by donating ungodly sums to charities.
• I acknowledge he hit 979 home runs (without the aid of steroids) but can you imagine how badly he made every other baseball player feel?
• We know he climbed to the top of Mount Everest clad in Bermuda Shorts, only using a cane he bought from a consignment store in Altoona and seven of those little shaker hand warmer packets he bought at Wal-Mart to keep him warm. However, it has been reported by an anonymous source that our Bermuda Shorted Climber shouted when he reached the top, “I am better at climbing mountains than anyone else in the world”. Yee Gads, what a self-centered thing to do! It appears he went to all that trouble just so he could look down on others.

Advice from The Smartfella...

If you do something great, get on your knees and pray to the god of your choice that no one finds out about your greatness.

Would I kid u?

World Turned Upside Down ... Part 1

The first time you hear something outrageous that is simply what it is, outrageous! Our collective response goes something like this...How could you say such a thing? This is one of the things that are part of the fabric of our society. That’s just the way it is. That’s a fact of life. That’s that.

A good example is,

Why Don’t People Who Are Not Citizens Have a Right to Vote?

The first time I heard this bit of “enlighten wisdom” it came from a city councilman in a small town in New England. Immediately he was attacked as an oddity that ought to be put in display in one of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditoriums.

ttp://www.ripleys.com/

Then the people who had a vested interest in seeing to it that non-citizens have a right to vote started spinning and many of us found ourselves thinking... I did not know that! or I never thought of that! or I never looked at it from that point of view!

In some circles the people who think that Non-Citizens Do Not Have a Right to Vote are now looked upon as the oddity.

This may surprise you but this posting is not about Non-Citizen Voting. It is about my world, as I knew it (past tense). It is about my world (present tense) being turned upside down.

This is what jolted me into the full realization that things are not what they used to be. It happened last Saturday as I was driving to a bookstore that sells my book to see if they had sold any of my books lately. I was listening to my car radio and I heard the following...

“The Truth Is an Opinion”

I always thought the truth was the truth. I always thought if is not true it is not true. I can imagine the panel discussion on TV where I am being put into my place and lectured down to with such “enlighten wisdom” as...

• What you fail to understand is there is your truth and there is my truth. You are not seeing the big picture.
• The next thing you are going to be telling us is facts are certainties. Don’t you understand that there are your facts and there are my facts? The two will always be separate unless and until you agree that my facts are the correct facts and your facts are, in fact, not facts but are hogwash.
• How did you ever get on this panel? Did I just hear you say that only the farmer who owns the land can plant his crops on that land? Are you serious? You mean to tell me that no one but the person who owns any particular parcel of land can plant crops on that particular parcel of land? Do you really think that is fair?

I wonder if that councilman in New England started all this or is it simply “enlightened thinking” enlightening us all?

This is what progress looks like...Or does it?

Would I kid u?

How Do They Know How Many Illegals Are Crossing The Border?

Headline in my local newspaper...

“Far Fewer Illegals Enter U.S. From Mexico”

How do we know how many illegals are coming from Mexico? Are we counting them at the border as they enter the Good Ole USofA? Is there a guy with one of those Hand Clickers clicking them as they pass by?

If the INS was serious about preventing Illegal Immigration, it ought to have an INS Policeman standing next to the INS Clicker Guy with a pickup truck full of handcuffs behind him.

Now that would be effective border control!

Would I kid u?

Transparency Is A Good Thing...Or Is It?

The GOP better hope President Obama was not very good at taking classroom notes in school. If he was a poor note taker, they may have a chance.

Can’t your mind’s eye just picture President Obama writing feverously  into his spiral bound note book wherever he goes? (On Air Force 1, in Hawaii, in the Oval Office, on Martha’s Vineyard or on the bench next to his basketball court.)

Republican Candidates keep attacking using old arguments and new arguments. It has been reported that when they launch attacks using some especially juicy stuff President Obama starts salivating as he makes his notes. His assistants keep telling him it is not nice to drool but they understand from whence the drool emanates because some of this stuff he would never have come up with on his own.

Sources tell me that he is presently on the 8^th #2 pencil in the box of 12 that he bought the night before the first GOP debate. The Democratic National Committee feels confident, if he eventually uses the whole box, he will have so much devastating material on the GOP nominee that  it all over but the shouting (after the counting).

For those reading this wisdom that are die-hard Republicans/Conservatives you may not like what you have just read. If that is the case, go to the top of this posting you just read and don’t read what you have read.

As Joe Friday used to say, “All we know are the facts, ma'am.”

Or

As Howard Cosell used to say, “I’m just telling it like it is”.

Would I kid u?

That’s A Neat, Meaningful, Sensitive and Politically Correct Name. I’m Going To Give It My Support Because I Really Like That Name.

I’ve commented in the past about the names various organizations give to various things. Our Congress makes it a practice of giving misleading names to Bills, Committees and Anything Else About Which They Want To Deceive Us. We folks back home are happier when we are deceived.

An example was the Peacekeeper Missile (later deactivated). We feel better when we are led to believe that, when one of our gigantic missiles (this one had up to 10 warheads) blows things into little pieces, the result is Lasting Worldwide Peace.

Recently I was doing some reading about the French Revolution. Those guys were very good at Name Deception. They had a Committee that officially killed a whole bunch of people. Its name was...

Committee of Public Safety

“Because of the Jacobin rule of the Committee of Public Safety, tens of thousands of French were executed. Thousands were conscripted into the army, creating a force of 850,000 strong.”

Would I or they kid u?

Tim Tebow

For months now Tim Tebow, Quarterback of the Denver Broncos Football Team, has been given unmitigated hell for having too much religious fervor and for being a Christian.

After watching the whole Broncos vs. Steelers game last night (especially that last 80 yard touchdown pass play in overtime) I can say the following with absolutely no fear of it not being a true statement...

All the other NFL Quarterbacks better start praying to Jesus 

If you have no interest in football, please go to the top of this posting and do not bother to read what you just read.

Would I kid u?

Only Possible Way A Republican Can Be Elected Our Next President

Unless you were just rescued from a deserted desert island you know what has been happening in the GOP Presidential Candidate Selection Process.

What’s that you say? You say you have just returned from 13 months on a deserted desert island and you don’t know what has been happening in the GOP Presidential Candidate Selection Process? That’s great. I would love to tell you all about it! Welcome back!

• Nixon and Kennedy have been turning over in their graves with guilt for what they started.
• During 2011 we were exposed to 312 Televised Debates. OK, I may have exaggerated a bit...Or did I?
• The candidates have all been placed into that amusement park thingy where, when they pop up their heads, the Incredible Hulk smashes them down with this huge mallet.
• First it was Bachmann, then it was Perry, then it was Cain and then it was Gingrich.
• Don’t say Santorum because he popped his head up so late he has not been smashed down yet. That’s why he did so well in Iowa. He popped too late.

That’s the reality of GOP Presidential Politics this go around. The Front Runner is the target, the target is immediately attacked and the attacks are so vicious that Mother Theresa would be in 6^th place by now and itching to hit someone in the chops.

In the subject of this posting I promised to tell you the only way a Republican can be our next president. Once I lay it out for you, you are going to sit back and say, “Of course! That is it! That’s the only way! That Smartfella is really a Smart Fella!”

The only thing I don’t know is who it will be. It might be Chris Christie. It might be Sarah Palin. It might be Mitch Daniel. It might be Bobby Jindal. It might be the Smartfella. What I can assure you is whoever implements this plan will be the next president.

Are you shouting at your monitor telling me to get with it? OK, here it is...

• On November 3^rd the winner will announce he is running for President of the United States.
• He will immediately shoot up like a rocket to become the Front Runner.
• Before the Democrats, the News Media, the actual GOP nominee, other Republicans who think he is not conservative enough, other Republicans who think he is too liberal or the girl who has always wanted to get even with him for dipping her pig tail in that ink well in the 4^th grade have a chance to mount an attack he will have been elected President of the United States.

Before the Hulk can get into his windup, this sucker is going to have Secret Service Protection.

I told you it was a brilliant plan.

Would I kid u?

Were You As Productive Last Night As These Guys Were?

Homer spent last night engrossed in putting together the part of the Iliad where Achilles does away with archrival Hector.

Edison did not get any sleep because he was testing the 728^th of the more than 1,600 filaments he was to experiment with before he finally come up with the Carbon Filament which resulted in the First Incandescent Light Bulb.

Einstein spent his sleepless night beating his head against the wall of his study trying to come up with his theory. He was frustrated beyond belief and was found by his wife the next morning in a dazed state as he kept mumbling, “I am relatively close”.

All of this impressive activity happened in the middle of the night. My newspaper just told me about another “genius” who is also very active at night...

Our hero is a man, who proudly enjoys being called a “Sneakerhead”. He makes a habit of standing in line to buy pairs of Michael Jordan Shoes. His latest obsession is the Jordan Retro 11 Concord Sneaker.

His saga of sneaker seeking and possessing goes like this...

• Last week he spent 17 hours in line only to be denied his coveted purchase because other Sneakerheads in front of him bought out the store’s supply.
• He proudly proclaims that he already owns 15 pairs of Jordans but he feels the irresistible urge to own more.
• He considers the scuffles, vandalism and arrests that happen all around him after the doors are opened as part of life’s struggle to obtain neat stuff that he does not need.
• He was asked why he is willing to spend $180 for a pair of Jordan Retros when he currently lives from paycheck to paycheck. He replied with “perfect logic”, “If you buy food and you eat food when you are done eating food the food is gone. When you buy a pair of these shoes you can put them in your closet with your other shoes and look at them whenever you want”.

This Sneakerhead is the kind of high achiever that would have been looked upon by Virgil, Edison and Einstein with great admiration...Or would they have?

Would I kid u?