You Can’t Park There Because You Are Not Handicapped But He Can Park There Because He Is Not Handicapped

Yes I know there are parkers out there that have a perfect right to park in handicapped parking spots but they appear to be few and far between.

I’m glad that there are parking spaces set aside for people who have physical problems but this situation is out of control for several reasons. Please allow me to explain.

There are far more spaces set aside for the handicapped than are needed…

• These two pictures were taken by me this week outside of a PGA Superstore and a Dave & Buster’s Restaurant…

This parking lot is sort of at the end of civilization. Behind the lot is an open area. There are no other businesses that share these parking spots with PGA and D&B.

There are 23 handicapped parking spaces set aside for those of us with hitches in our get-along. I have been to the PGA Store about 12 times over the years and I have never seen a single vehicle parked in one of these 23 handicapped parking spaces. I have also never seen cars waiting in line for one of the 23 spots to be vacated.

• Several years ago I went to a Denny’s in Bethlehem, PA with my brother. While in the restaurant I actually got so sick that we had to go directly to the emergency room.
• Could Jay Leno be right about all the jokes he cracks about Denny’s? Actually I don’t think so because I just love their Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich which they call Moons Over My Hammy.
• It was after we got to the hospital that I noticed there were 2 handicapped spots outside the emergency room but there had been 5 spots outside Denny’s.

There is something wrong with the You Got To Have This Many Spaces Outside Your Place of Business regulation.

The process that is being used to issue Handicapped Parking Permits is out of control…

• If people have a temporary problem that entitles them to a permit until they get better, that handicap becomes permanent. Actually the handicap goes away but the handicapped parking permit is renewed forever automatically.
• On a TV sitcom last night they joked that people with a stuttering problem can be issued a handicapped parking permit. That’s certainly Foolishness! … Or Is It?

I actually addressed this issue in my blog posting to our new president right after the 2008 election. I sent him 10 simple requests. This is the one I directed at this handicap parking issue…

• Dear Mr. New President,
  Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication… Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.

A wise guy with a poor sense of humor might say we need more handicapped people. I won’t go there. I will say this, if we did increase our inventory of qualified parkers, you may rest assured that we have enough spaces set aside to accommodate them.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness. 

A Roddick By Any Other Name

Since I just wrote about Wimbledon and now I am writing about tennis again you probably would be justified in drawing the conclusion that I watch a lot of tennis on TV. Actually that is far from the truth, thanks to Andy Roddick.

The truth is I do watch TV tennis matches but only until Andy Roddick loses (he lost earlier today). After he is dispatched from the tournament I go back to trying to solve the Mid-East Situation. My Mid-East Situation Solution Failure is driving me to the brink but my psychiatrist is OK with it because it allows him to continue making payments on his Lexus.

I think Andy Roddick is someone to be rooted for. As far as I know he has not been caught in any scandal (tweeting photos of parts of his body, cheating on his wife or wearing outrageous revealing outfits on the courts). He deserves my support.

Since I do want him to succeed, I have been devoting a lot of the time I do not spend on Tweeting, Face Booking or Texting to come up with a way to help Andy out. I have concluded that he needs to change his name in order to truly be successful in the modern world of tennis. In other words he needs to become European. Here is the list of name change possibilities that I just mailed to him…

Roddovic or Roddzhny or Roddakova or Roddasova or Roddarova or Roddika or Roddiska or Roddski

Any one would do the trick. Until he takes this obvious step to further his tennis career, I am going to continue to have a lot of time to work on the Mid-East Situation.

This Name Change Thing actually came to me years ago when I worked for American Motors Corporation (AMC). We made a lot of the few cars we sold in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I told one of the company higher ups one day that we ought to change the name of our cars to “Kenosha” (Kenosha Ambassador, Kenosha Matador, Kenosha Hornet, Kenosha Pacer, Kenosha Gremlin and Kenosha Javelin).

If we had done that, the American buying public would have thought we were a Japanese company and they would have bought a lot more of our cars.

Now you know why I rose to the height of my mediocre automotive career.

Would I kid u?

PS: I received an email from one of my fellow AMC employees about my Kenosha idea. He informed me that the reason that the French car company Renault did buy a large stake in AMC (before Chrysler bought all of AMC) was because they thought AMC was a Japanese company.

If Rod Laver Were Dead, He Would Be Turning Over In His Grave

This Foolishness…Or Is It? has been published twice. The first time the picture of Venus Williams in action was as big as the picture of Roger Federer.

After publishing it, I had second thoughts about the Venus Eye Trap picture. It is not the type of thing I normally incorporate into my Foolishness. It is not sophisticated. It is not high class. It just does not belong.  

If you want to see the picture larger, you can click on it and it will get bigger. Before you do that please understand that while the picture may not be X Rated but it is definitely R Rated.

If you do click on it, that is your choice and your having done so does not take away from the sophistication or the classiness of my Blog.

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It is that time of the year when those of us who enjoy tennis pay a lot of attention to what’s happening on TV because what’s happening on TV is Wimbledon!

• It is time to talk about who is playing who.
• It is time to be amazed at the dexterity of the sports’ finest athletes.
• It is time to talk about records broken, about to be broken and might be broken.

It is wonderful to behold … Or at least it used to be.

Today we appear to be distracted by another tennis happening … Tennis Outfits.

Ain’t it awful.

Here are sample headlines of what passes for Tennis News from Yahoo.com…

• Maria Sharapova Nike Outfit | Flickr – Photo.
• Wimbledon caught in Venus Eye Trap…
• Serena Williams Wimbledon Nike Outfit.
• What to Wear Wimbledon Tennis | ASOS Fashion Finder.
• Players finding ways to push fashion envelope - Tennis – ESPN.
• Caroline Wozniacki Adidas outfit | Tennis Buzz.

Even the men are strutting around in attention getting outfits…

• Rafael Nadal Wimbledon 2011 Outfit by Nike ~ ATP Men's Tennis.
• Hot - Roger Federer, 2009 Wimbledon | Most Outrageous Tennis…

I have been known to miss shots while I play tennis. From now on I will console myself by saying, “At least I don’t look as bad as Roger Federer”.

Would I kid u?

Rule Number One In The Congressional Handbook … Obfuscation Is Our Friend

When I was young the term “Mumbo Jumbo” was used as lot. Don’t hear that turn of phrase used very often in modern America but we hear Mumbo Jumbo* spoken all the time in the hallowed halls of our congress.

Actually we hear it darn near every time a politician speaks. Want a recent example to ponder? Try getting your mind around this quote from my local newspaper…

“The U.S. will put in place a clear and credible medium-term Fiscal Consolidation Framework”

I bet you will never figure that one out. Mission Accomplished. They don’t want you to figure out what they are doing because (as stated in the subject line above) obfuscation is their friend.

One of the few times you will hear a politician say something in clear language is when one says of another, “My esteemed colleague, you are not making any sense”.

Would I kid u?

*According to Wikipedia…Mumbo jumbo, or mumbo-jumbo, is an English phrase or expression that denotes a confusing or meaningless subject.

That Little Kid In The Sixth Sense Said, “I See Foolishness”…Or did he?

This is your chance to show that you have what it takes to be a Deputy Smartfella? (specializing in Foolishness).

If you think I spend my day lurking around alleys and listening at windows in the dark of night to find Foolishness, you are very wrong. It is not that complicated. All I do is watch TV and read my daily newspaper and the Foolishness miraculously appears before my eyes.

Do you want to be like me? If you just said, “Yes!” read on. If you said, “No” read on anyway because there may be a chuckle or two in the rest of this Foolishness…Or Is It?

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FIRST NEWS ARTICLE

Here are pieces excerpted from my local newspaper a few days ago…

• Headline of the news article… “Dumped body murder suspect back in Gwinnett”.
• The first paragraph of the news article reads as follows… “A Tucker teen accused of killing his friend and setting ablaze the car that contained her body is back in Gwinnett County, facing charges”.
• Later in the article it says… “The alleged killing happened in DeKalb County, where the suspect faces murder charges”.

This is your chance to prove that you are a keen observer of Foolishness. Did you see it? It is a single word. After such phrases as “dumped body murder suspect” and “killing his friend” and “setting ablaze the car that contained her body” my newspaper then jumps right into my foolish world and says “alleged killing”.

Our judicial system will still have to prove that the suspect did the actual killing but there should be no doubt that there was, in fact, a killing.

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SECOND NEWS ARTICLE

I have always having been interested in aviation, that’s why this one makes me especially sad.

Here in bullet format are the facts as laid out in the article I recently read…

• A World War II B-17 bomber (one of the last flying) took off.
• It quickly went down in a corn field.
• The plane was consumed by fire.

Are your Foolishness sensors up and ready to see the foolishness?… The article’s wording was, “A World War II B-17 bomber made what appeared to be an emergency landing in a cornfield Monday…”

Why did my newspaper use the words “appeared to be” to indicate that this happening might not have been an emergency landing?

I think this was an emergency because most planes do not land in cornfields right after takeoff and burn up.

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I am such a keen observer of this crazy world we live in that I really think my ability to root out foolishness is truly a gift.

As you read about the two above news events did you not grasp the foolish words? If you missed them, do not feel badly. That’s why you have me.

I am here and I am ready to serve.

Would I kid u?

Two Postings That Prove I Am Ahead Of My Time

Originally Published February 2010…

What If You Are Going To Be Busy Tomorrow?

We have seen this happen dozens of times.
A public figure says something publicly and the very next day he publicly goes before cameras and publicly apologizes for his previously publicly made offensive public comments.
I have much sympathy for these people who we all admire so much. They are very busy doing public things that inspire and/or horrify us. What if they plan to go skiing the day after they make their crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments? Should they be forced to rearrange or, heaven forbid, even cancel their plans so that they can apologize to us? Who are we to demand this of them? They are important people and we are not.
I think that they ought to be given the prerogative of doing a Preemptive Apology. This makes so much sense I am amazed that no one has thought of this before now. Here is how it would work…

• The public figure decides that he wants to make an apologizeable statement tomorrow.
• Because he plans to be on his way to the South of France or to go skiing in Colorado immediately following his apologizeable statement, should he not be allowed to make his apology today?
• This would fit better into his tight schedule … Apologize today … Make his crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments tomorrow … Get on his private jet and be whisked off as scheduled to his well-deserved recreation.

Who could object to this logic? After all, he has packing to do.
Would I kid u?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Published May 2010…

I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…
Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing or/or reading time.
I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...

1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)
For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.
Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)
I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?
Would I kid u?

CBO Is Not Just Easy To Spell

There ought to be a law that prevents representatives of our two political parties from ever quoting any statistics from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO).

This tactic, which is used with equal dexterity (a congressional word for “obfuscation”) by both parties, has us concerned citizens very confused.

Before I get into explaining how they keep us in the dark, allow me to make a few points about the CBO…

• Have you ever seen an actual live person who is part of the CBO being interviewed?
• These CBO people are always talked about but never talked to.
• The CBO is the absolute final authority on how much it will cost to pay for whatever our 9% approval rated congress is doing for (or to) us.

Once the CBO has spoken (or a Congressman or a Senator has spoken for them … remember the CBO never actually speaks to us) all further discussion or analysis is considered unnecessary.

What I am about to relate to you I saw on TV today. I used my TiVo to get it exactly right. Since you are not as keen about such things as I am, you may find yourself skeptical. Don’t allow yourself to go there. Remember I am the one who does not kid you. That having been said, allow me to set the scene…

A high level Democrat and a high level Republican were guests on a political talk show. The pending legislative bill they were discussing is not important to this Foolishness…Or Is It?. The tactic they used is tried and true.  I have seen it a hundred times…

• One side goes first (it makes no difference which side goes first).
• “My party is diametrically opposed to this ill conceived legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will cost the American Tax Payer $4,375,776.33.”
• The other party’s representative is not phased by this startling amount of money (actually the only part of the opposition's statement he paid any attention to is the amount of money quoted).
• The other side counters, “My party is absolutely in favor of this ground-breaking legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will save the American Tax Payer $3,566,432.68.”
• The reason why they only pay attention to the dollar amount is that their Congressional Obfuscation Handbook teaches them to not use the exact same number because it may damage their credibility and credibility is something they jealously guard.

The icing on this awful cake is the Media Representative who is moderating the exchange of ideas never calls attention to the fact that they both quote the CBO but state that the CBO has drawn opposite positions that favor their opposite positions. The moderator just goes on to the next question on his teleprompter.

In America there were always only two sources of information and knowledge that were accepted as final the authority on anything and everything. Now that Oprah has retired, all we are left with is the CBO.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

If You Are A Lawyer, You Are Smart…Or Are You?

I have recently heard a Defense Lawyer make one of the dumbest statements I have ever heard. He was talking to the press about his very important client and he said, “For professional people, being in jail is no picnic”.

Does this mean that, if you are a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker, being in jail is a picnic?

Silly me. It is all coming back to me. In all those jail house movies I have seen in years past the inmates were, in fact, always out in the big yard of theirs sitting on those checkered table cloths eating watermelon, ham sandwiches, fried chicken, brownies and drinking RC Colas.

How could I have ever forgotten?

Would I kid u?

We Ought To Thank The Bad Guys For Keeping Our Economy Humming Along

Have you ever stopped and given any thought to how much our economy owes to bad guys? Since you are not as deep thinking as I am this is going shock you. Yes, shock you, because it is so obvious…

Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy… Because of his Economic Stimulation Package in 1982 there are a ton of people employed since then doing such things as…

• Thousands of people diligently working every day at coming up with ways to protect us from this guy.
• Thousands more are actually manufacturing the safety things that the diligently working idea people have come up with.
• Last, but certainly not least, we have the thousands more who do the actual manufacturing of and installation of the safety thingies.

That’s a lot of thousands!

The people involved in the Tamper Proof Industry are sending their children to college with their pay checks.

Our grandchildren think that such safe guards were always with us. They do not realize that we have The Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy to thank for all of this employment.

Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists… Without the mayhem these guys have created there would be a lot more unemployed out there. They are responsible for the full range of products needed to protect us from them…

• X-ray machines.
• Conveyer belts.
• Metal detecting wands.
• Steel cockpit doors.
• TSA people everywhere you look.
• Uniforms for the TSA people.
• Baskets to put your stuff in so your stuff can be transported on the conveyer belt through the x-ray machine so the x-ray machine can do its x-raying
• Clothes pins for the noses of the TSA people that are applied after prospective passengers take their shoes off. The Clothes Pin Manufacturing Industry is one that was really struggling and needed a shot in the arm. As a matter of fact, they always open their convention each year in Las Vegas with a special thank you for the Hijackers and Terrorists who have done so much to keep their industry alive.
• Secret agents with guns sitting on airplanes looking like ordinary passengers.
• Plastic guns for the bad guys.
• Metal guns for the pilots.
• Lawyers filing law suits against the carrying of guns by pilots.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? really does not do full justice in laying out the increased employment created by Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists and the Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy. Without them 9.1% unemployment would look like a small number.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Commercials Talk You Into Buying A Product … Or do they?

These are the words I transcribed from a TV Commercial. I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever take this drug (treats a skin disorder) after watching this commercial and hearing these words.

The truth is the drug company is probably making a fortune…

Zxanita … may lower your ability to fight infection and increase your risk of infections … some serious infections require hospitalization … before starting Zxanita your doctor should test for tuberculosis … Zxanita may increase your risk of cancer … always tell your doctor if you have any sign of infection or if you have had cancer … alert your doctor of new or worsening problems including headaches, seizures, confusion, and vision problems … these may be signs of a rare and fatal brain condition … serious allergic reactions can occur … tell your doctor if you or anyone in your house needs or has recently received a vaccine

Zxanita is my made up name for this product. Even though the bold type above is an exact quote of the words in their TV Advertisement, I am afraid to use the product’s name because they might sue me.

How can I be sued if I am using their words? I do not know but I am not taking any chances. I can just hear their attorney, “He can’t say what we said because people might not buy our product.”

This is like in Dr. Strangelove (1964) where Peter Sellers said, "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here...This is the War Room!" 

To prove to you how far my research goes to make my silly points, I timed the commercial with a stop watch. It was 60 seconds long and 33 seconds were devoted to warning you about the dangers of using Zxanita.

Here is my suggestion for a sales pitch they might use,

Got flaky skin? Use Zxanita. It will sure as hell kill you but you will not have to worry about everyone staring at your skin problems because morticians use great cover-ups.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Do We Need To Know Everything? … NOW!

I have always admired my fellow man’s thirst for knowledge. We have all benefited from the wonderful things invented or discovered by thirsty or just plain curious people.
The above having been said, the electronic world we live in today is really going to extremes regarding the dissemination of information. When Ted Turner started this 24/7 news barrage many of us thought things like, “Why are they putting news on TV over and over all day and night? They are telling me things that they just told me a half hour ago.”
Now we are demanding that they tell us news over and over and quicker and quicker. We don’t want to wait for anything. We install apps on our phones to notify us immediately when something is happening that we think we can’t do without.
I saw where there is an app that will notify you when a High Speed Pursuit is live on TV.
Can you imagine if Doctor Jonas Salk had been one of these High Speed Pursuit Junkies. Every time he started to make headway on his Polio Vaccine his phone would play the silly little tune he had carefully selected. He would have stopped his research and ran to his TV to watch the latest chase in progress. When he got hack to his work bench, he would have been heard to say, “Now where was I?’
If this obsession had been his obsession, we would still have Iron Lungs all over the place. (For those of you who don’t know what an Iron Lung is, Google It!)
I read where, during all those storms in recent weeks the Weather Channel downloaded as many as 47,000 of their Weather Apps a day. Three days after that tornado hit Joplin, Missouri sales of all weather apps were up by an average of 1,866%.
Did the existence of all those apps save a single life? I know one thing for certain, Jay Leno could probably have found a man on the street who said, “I don’t care about lives that were saved. I want to know about lives lost and I want to know about them fast!”
The Smartfella? believes there are things that we would be better off not knowing…
Superman … If the first Superman Comic Book had just been published, we would certainly see commentaries, analyses, documentaries, news conferences and national poling results  about how illogical the very idea of a superman is.
Both the children of America and I would have found this very unnerving.
Here is the kind of thing we would have been exposed to…

• Clothes – How is it possible that after Superman leaves his phone booth after having changed his clothes and flown away to fight injustice and no one ever finds his clothes in there? (For those of you who don’t know what a Phone Booth is, Google It!)
• His Super Face – How is it possible that simply taking off his glasses makes him completely unrecognizable to people who see him and work with him every day?
• His Super Voice – The same holds true for his voice. How come no one ever said, “You sound exactly like Clark Kent?”

If yesterday were today, Superman never would have gotten off the ground.
Would I kid u?