The Learned People Who Populate Our Institutes Of Higher Education Are Really Smart People Who Do Really Smart And Useful Research... Or Are They... Or Do They?

When you read this article (see link at end of this Foolishness), note how many University People are studying this Foolishness... And It Is.

• Colorado State University
• University of Hawaii
• University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg
• University of Southern Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
• University of Toulouse

Let us not forget that the City of New York & the NYC Department of City Planning studied this issue also.

I have 3 questions for the University Researchers & NYC Bureaucrats who are analyzing this useless data for all of mankind…

• Do they really do this?
• Do they get paid to do this?
• Why do they do this?

Is it really important that some pedestrians walk at 3.74 feet per second & others walk at 3.79 feet per second?

Just think about how much effort went into determining the above useless statistic.

Click on link below:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703786804576138261177599114.html

If you click on it and if you read it, I will understand perfectly if you get angry with me for making you waste your time. On the other hand, it is pretty funny.

Would I kid u?

There Is Nothing Small About Our Congress

The other day I was walking through our family room and my wife was watching CSPAN. (She watches CSPAN 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 a lot. I walk through the family room a lot.) On this walk through I was shocked by something I heard coming out of the box that I had not heard in a long time. I stopped and stared in disbelief. I thought for a long moment I had gone back in time.

The dedicated congressman who was hurrying through his pontificating because his 2 minutes were running out said, “Seven hundred thousand...”. There it is. Don’t you see it? I have not heard anyone of my elected representatives say a hundred thousand of anything in a long time.

I must qualify the prior statement... What I mean is I have not heard a hundred thousand of anything that was not hooked on to a Million or a Billion or a Trillion, as in...

Sixteen Trillion, Five Billion, Three Hundred & Fifty Million, Two Hundred & Thirty Five Thousand

There it is on the end... “Two Hundred & Thirty Five Thousand”. The hundred thousands are always on the end. Such puny numbers are never spoken all by their lonesome anymore.

That’s progress ... or is it?

Would I kid u?

Walnuts R Us

What is it with us that our Congress will spend absolute fortunes on anything and everything you can imagine but, in some of our Congressmen’s minds, we spend nothing?

Think I am not making sense again? ... Please allow me to explain.

There is an ongoing financial commitment in our annual federal budget aimed at one of America’s favorite nuts. Few can argue with the need for this allocation of our tax dollars...

Improving the Hardness of Walnut Shells to Prevent Flavor Leakage

Twenty years ago Congress originally appropriated $200,000 to this worthy endeavor.

Under pressure from a heavily funded lobbying group called Nuts Are Nutritional, LLC (NAN), Congress has raised the amount allocated for this project every year for 20 years. In the budget negotiations for the 21^st year a member of congress stands up and says,
“Last year’s Walnut Hardness Appropriation was $6,677,098.22. Can you believe that a country which used to be as rich as we used to be only spends this paltry a sum on such a worthy project? I am here and now proposing a $1,000,000 increase in next year’s appropriation.”

Then these words will inevitably be spoken...
“It is unconscionable that a country as large as this will not spend anything to help the walnut!”

There you have it. If we do not spend more in any year, the amount we do spend is declared to be nothing.

Since when did $6,677,098.22 become nothing? In our Congress it may not be much but it isn’t nothing.

Would I kid u?

Road Name Rage

Please look at my book's web site, buy a book & then send the link to friends (or enemies) who have $10 to spend on the World's Greatest Bathroom Book.

CLICK ON THE WEB SITE’S LINK BELOW http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

In the crazy world we live in there is Road Rage. In the Atlanta Metropolitan Area we have Road Name Confusion causing Road Name Rage.

The reason for this consternation is the practice of those who name roads to change the names of roads every few blocks (an exaggeration) or every few miles (not an exaggeration) for no apparent reason.

Here is one prime example of the plethora of prime examples that are at this very moment befuddling drivers out there. Jimmy Carter Boulevard is not always Jimmy Carter Boulevard. Going from south to north at some point in its meandering through our metro it is...

• South Hairston Rd (south of Rockbridge Rd).
• North Hairston Rd (north of Rockbridge Rd).
• Mountain Industrial Blvd (change made north of E. Ponce De Leon Ave).
• Jimmy Carter Blvd NW (change made at Lawrenceville Hwy) ... NW leads one to believe that there is a SE but there is not a SE or a NE or a SW.
• Holcomb Bridge Rd NW ... NW leads one to believe that there is a SE but there is not a SE or a NE or a SW.
• Holcomb Bridge Rd without the NW.
• E. Crossville Rd (change made northwest of Alpharetta St ... which changes to Alpharetta Hwy at the point where Holcomb Bridge Rd changes to E. Crossville Rd).
• W. Crossville Rd (change made northwest of Crabapple Rd).
• Woodstock Rd (change made where Woodstock Rd coming from the south changes to King Rd as Woodstock Rd makes a dramatic left turn to continue as Woodstock Rd ... which used to be W. Crossville Rd).
• Alabama Rd NE (change made northwest of Sandy Springs Rd NE) ... NE leads one to believe that there is a SW but there is not a SW or a NW or a SE.
• Highway 92 (change made at Knotts Point Dr where it changes to Wiley Point Rd).
• Alabama Rd (change made at Woodland Dr).
• Cherokee Rd (change made at Hunt Rd).
• Cowan Rd NW (can’t figure out where change is made) ... Yea, you guessed it, there is no NE or SE or SW.

The defenders of this confusing name changing practice will say, “Yea but this example of yours travels a long way”. The Smartfella? retorts to them, “Yea but the road is continuous. It does not go into a swamp named one name and come out on the other side of the swamp six miles south named another name”.

I wonder how these Naming People would like it if some bureaucratic entity changed their name every time they had a birthday and/or changed jobs and/or got a new tattoo.

My fondest wish is to be approached one day by a person looking confused who says, “Hi. How are you doing today? I am the person who is employed by the Atlanta Metropolitan Area to change the names of roads for no apparent reason. Could you possible help me? I am lost”.

Would I kid u?

I Am Now In Complete Charge Of Entertainment And Music At Next Year’s Super Bowl

Help is on the way... Me!

I just received a call from the Commissioner of the National Football League. He has seen the light. He said I am now in charge of entertainment, music and the halftime show at next year’s Super Bowl. My plan is simple...

• Christina Aguilera will not be singing the National Anthem. In her stead will be a uniformed Army Sergeant Baritone who will not take one syllable words and extend them into eight syllable words. Since I am a firm believer in the punishment befitting the crime, this is what I would prescribe for Christina... She will not be allowed within 500 miles of the game itself. She will not be allowed to watch the game on TV. Neither will she be allowed to read any newspaper about the game either before or after the game. She will be put on 24 hour surveillance and the person who even tells her the final score will be subjected to the same penalty I am prescribing for her in the following Super Bowl. If you think I am being too harsh, watch her “performance” by clicking below... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgxA3Aus8jY&feature=player_embedded
  UPDATE...On 2/18/2011 I clicked on this link and found that UTube has cancelled it. That's OK. It would have probably damaged your ear drums.
• Back in my youth I went to a Tulane University freshman football game. I and the other 63 fans in attendance were treated to a halftime show that far surpassed what those Peas People inflicted upon us last night. The Tulane game had in the stands about ten guys from the University’s big band tooting throughout the game. At halftime they went down on the field and played the Gillette Look Sharp/Be Sharp March and lined up in single file on the 50 yard line in an exact replication of an Unshaven Male Facial Hair. It was great! It was certainly a lot better than the Peas People... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIi-ku0nRGQ&feature=related

What this country needs is the Southern University Marching Band... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCJWuXCqDDk
We also need a strong dose of John Phillip Souza... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znEePD1nJxo&feature=related
Would I kid u?

Stop It At The Source

I just read in my newspaper that, if we build a new Export Terminal in Washington State to ship coal to China, we will be responsible for the pollution of China’s atmosphere when the coal is burned in China’s inefficient coal burning facilities.

In some people’s minds the U.S. is responsible for everything that happens ... everything bad.

Since the above is an undeniable Foolish Fact, my mind started churning on another evil that the good ole USofA is responsible for and how we can turn it into a source of job creation which will help our struggling economy in these dire economic times.

We are the breadbasket of the world. We export humongous amounts of grain all over the Earth and have been doing so for a very long time. The inevitable result of this grain exportation is methane produced by the cows that eat our grains. Our unending desire to make money is harming the ecology.

If our Federal Government would go on an all out campaign to ramp up plants all over the country to produce Cow Corks we would stimulate Manufacturing, Employment, Tax Revenue and help our Balance of Trade Numbers all at the same time. This is a Win Win idea if I have ever heard of one!

With this increase in Tax Revenue we could then increase our lobbying efforts to beg the Chinese to loan us more money.

Would I kid u?

Four Isn’t That Much ... Or is it?

Please look at my book's web site, buy a book & then send the link to friends (or enemies) who have $10 to spend on the World's Greatest Bathroom Book.

CLICK ON THE WEB SITE’S LINK BELOW http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

I go to a gym a few times a week to try and keep my heart from attacking me. In the gym is a bank of 24 televisions that we watch as we sweat. On many occasions I find myself watching channels that I would not otherwise be caught dead watching.

The other day I was watching a show which is an imitation of The View (just what we need another View). This day they had a Celebrity on from a sitcom several years back that was enthralling the breathless hosts with what she is doing and is not doing with her life.

The Celeb said the following, “My husband and I have been married 4 years” and the round of applause she got was akin to the same as if she had said, “I just discovered the cure for all forms of cancer”.

To my way of thinking four years does not sound like that much and she did not even specify which husband this was.

What’s next? Are going to see going to see the Celeb Worshippers having a similar reaction to the likes of...

• “I really like my fifth wife because, when she sits quietly at night reading a book, she does it very quietly.”
• “I may be subjecting myself to unwanted scrutiny but I honestly think that cherries go well with prunes and the world would be better place if more of us ate cherries and prunes mixed together.”
• “I wish I had learned to be this assertive when I was younger. If I had I would certainly have taken a position similar to this which I have now taken even though it is not the position which I would have taken had I taken it at the time.”
        Now this last quote is so unable to be understood that the Celeb Worshipping Audience would probably think to itself... Wow! That is so deep! I don’t understand what the heck he is talking about but that certainly must be because I am nobody and he is somebody. This is certainly deserving of a standing ovation! … I think?

It makes me sad to realize that my repeated blog postings about our society’s unrelenting worship of Celebrities is not going to have any effect on our obsession with them and what they do or don’t do.

Sometimes I think I ought to zero in more on the foolishness of politics. Yes I know I could do that but there is so much silliness in politics that my instinctive thirst for variety demands that I write about something else.

Would I kid u?