We Need One Eyewitness

Congress ought to pass a law that requires, before any crime can be committed, there must be one eyewitness.

Just think of the savings in time, expense and trouble to our judiciary system. Trials could be shortened to a matter of hours. The judge would call the court to order, the witness would tell what he/she saw and then the attorneys could go to the closing arguments. The trial would be over and justice would have been rendered. Remember...Justice Delayed is Justice Denied.

A perfect example is our Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. During the summer of 2006 she tried to walk around a metal detector in the Capital without her Congressional Lapel Pin and with a dramatically changed hairdo. A security guard tried to stop her and she struck him.

Now if you will go back and read the first paragraph of this foolishness, you will see that I wrote “one eyewitness”. I did not say “at least one eyewitness” or “a minimum of one eyewitness”. My foolishness is better thought out than that. More than one I saw-it-with-my-own-eyes testifier is asking for trouble.

In the case of Cynthia McKinney, we had at least three eyewitnesses quoted in the news article that broke the story…

• One said McKinney slapped the officer in the face.
• One said McKinney punched the officer in the chest.
• One said McKinney hit the officer with the cell phone she had in her hand.

Now do you see why more than one is too many?

Would I kid you?

How I got rich off of Hurricane Katrina

Right after Hurricane Katrina did its deed I got an idea about how I could set myself up for life. I wasted no time in hiring a high-powered lawyer who, as my representative, contacted ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, CNBC, MSNBC & NPR to negotiate on my behalf. In short order I signed a contract with these esteemed media outlets that would pay me 25 cents, retroactive to the day after Katrina, for every time they use the word "aftermath" (as in ‘Katrina Aftermath’).

The negotiations were tougher than I expected. I had to give them a counter payment of $5,000 for every time they used the phrase, "George W. Bush is doing a good job."

Within a few weeks, bolstered by the huge sum of money that was rolling into my bank account, I made a down payment on 52 acres in the mountains outside of Ashville, NC.

If I had not weakened in my negotiations with my high-powered lawyer and agreed to pay him half, I could really have been really rich.

Would I kid u?

Not Making THE News

Stop and think with me a moment... Who is in the news? Most often those that we hear about are people/politicians/actors/whatever doing bad things...

• Getting drunk and driving.
• Overdosing on drugs.
• Stealing.
• Lying.
• Cheating.
• Taking steroids.
• Sleeping with someone with which they are not supposed to be sleeping.
• And so on and so forth.

Usually, if you go about your life doing good things, you don't make headlines. Here is a good example. Below you will find what a famous person we all know has been doing for the last 37 years:

• He explored the North Pole with Sir Edmund Hillary.
• He taught for eight years at the University of Cincinnati as University Professor of aerospace engineering.
• He acted as a spokesperson for Chrysler Corporation, General Time Corporation and the Bankers Association of America. He makes it a practice to only act as a spokesman for United States businesses.
• Along with acting as a spokesperson, he also served on the board of several companies including Marathon Oil, Lear Jet, Cincinnati Gas & Electric Company, Taft Broadcasting, United Airlines, Eaton Corporation, AIL Systems and Thiokol. The last he joined after serving on the Rogers Commission investigating the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster caused by a problem with the Thiokol manufactured solid rocket boosters.
• He co-founded the Institute of Engineering and Medicine at the University of Cincinnati, which has improved heart-transplant surgery using space engineering.
• For two years he was Deputy Associate Administrator for Aeronautics, NASA Headquarters Office of Advanced Research and Technology.
• Usage of his name, image and a famous quote of his caused problems over the years. He sued Hallmark Cards in 1994 after they used his name and his most famous quote in a Christmas tree ornament without permission. The lawsuit was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money, which he donated to Purdue.
• He is still flying planes at age 75.

If you are like me you have said to yourself at least once in the last 37 years, “What the heck happened to Neil Armstrong since he landed on the moon?"
Would I kid u?

I'm glad Bill Keller is not 112 years old

According to the AJC of June 24, 2006, The New York Times quoted Bill Keller Executive Editor of The New York Times, as saying the secret financial inquiry program that tracked terrorist money was, "a matter of public interest".

I agree that it is a matter of public interest. That is why I am glad ole Bill is not 112 years old. I came up with that number because I estimate that a person would have to be about 50 years old to be an Executive Editor of The Prestigious New York Times and it has been 62 years since Normandy was invaded.

I think we can all agree the terrorist-tracking program is "a matter of public interest". I am also certain that D-Day was "a matter of public interest". That being so, Mr. Keller would have been compelled to tell the interested U.S. population and the interested entire world ... "Here we come, Mr. Hitler and here is where we are coming and Patton's army is a subterfuge, and etc, and etc."

Would I kid u?

Wipe Out World Child Hunger

My keen observation skills have lead me to derive a plan that will eliminate hunger for the children of the world, if only the Bush Administration has the foresight and strength of purpose to make it happen.

This all came about over years of watching American children in restaurants eat hardly anything off their plates. It goes like this…

• The plate of cheesed ziti arrives in front of typical American child diner.
• Over the next twenty-three minutes, typical American child diner eats only four ziti, moves twelve other zitis around the plate and waits for dessert.
• During these twenty-three minutes typical American child diner acts concerned while typical American child diner’s parents tell them, if they do not eat their food, there will be no dessert but typical American child diner knows better.
• Dessert arrives.
• Dessert is eaten.
• Doggy box/bag is requested and filled with rearranged ziti.

Another night out with typical American family is concluded. No surprises here but I see a better way. Here is what I have concluded is that better way...

The Bush Administration should go abroad and gather up starving children from every country in the world and bring them to the good ole U.S.of A. One of these children should be assigned to each American child who’s parents make it a practice of taking their little darlings out to dinner more times in a month than my children went out to eat in an entire year. These follower children are to sit patiently behind their assigned typical American child diner and move in to clean up the leftover ziti as soon as dessert has arrived.

This policy means:

• Trees will be saved because of the dramatically reduced demand for doggy boxes/bags (this will require a government subsidy for the makers of said doggy box/bag makers).
• World child hunger will be eliminated.

The only problem with this plan is one that I am sure you have already seen. The sheer volume of leftover typical American child diner food is so large that the follower children will certainly develop an obesity problem. Since this obesity problem was brought upon these, once slim and trim children, by the lack of foresight of the Bush Administration, the U.S Government will be responsible to pay for treatment of the follower children at Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or whatever. This could cause a tax increase.

Would I kid u?

Men Becoming Extinct

It is a sad situation that the man is always the dumb one in the modern day TV commercial. Luckily the hapless male has the opportunity during the commercial to be enlightened by a highly intelligent and obviously superior woman. However, men are really in trouble now.

According to an article in The Atlanta Journal & Constitution we are going to be made completely unnecessary in the future…
"Scientists have found a way to cut dads out of the picture, at least among rodents: They have produced mice with two genetic moms --- and no father."

One day the women of the future will be able to go to museums and see displays about men. There will be inscriptions that say something like; "The species was unintelligent, hot headed, determined to control the remote and always the villain in TV dramas. Once it was determined that they were no longer needed for reproduction, their numbers declined dramatically. They were pushed to the brink of desperation and eventual certain extinction back in the 21st Century after the all-female United States Senate refused efforts to place them on the Endangered Species List. President Chelsea Clinton was reported to have simply smiled quietly to herself when she heard the news."

Would I kid u?

The Last Day of World War One

When did the First World War end? Many of you just said to yourselves…The 11^th Hour of the 11^th Day of the 11^th Month of 1918. It sounds like that was scripted by Hollywood.

The most awful part of the story is that the armistice was signed at 5am on November 11^th but was not effective until 11am. The fighting continued for the last six hours between 5am and 11am.

• After the war, in a Congressional Hearing, General Pershing blamed Marshal Foch but the many said that, at the time, Pershing appeared to be gung ho about the last assaults.
• These were full frontal assaults as vicious as any on any other day of the war.
• The Germans were shocked when the assaults started but defended against them with all that they had.
• During these six hours, thousands of men were wounded or killed fighting for land on which they could have casually strolled smoking a cigarette at 11:01am on the 11^th Day of the 11^th Month of 1918.

Would I kid u?

All Is Ok In Iraq, Except

In the future President George W. Bush will make a major speech about Iraq. In advance, I am going to summarize the six parts of the speech plus his response to a single reporter's question he answered as he was leaving the Press Briefing Room.

1st Major Point Made By Our President:
There have been elections held in every city in Iraq to elect a Mayor and a City Council. Without exception, every citizen in every city voted in these elections. In every city there was jubilation and dancing in the streets as the Mayors and City Council Members were sworn into office.

2nd Major Point Made By Our President:
The new Iraqi President has been in office for two months and is proving to be enormously popular with the Iraqi people. In his election he received 100% of the vote. Every citizen of Iraq voted. Jimmy Carter was at every polling place in Iraq simultaneously and has testified to the absolute honestly of the voting. The Iraqi President is so popular that every time he is seen in public a minimum of ten Iraqi women have fainted after being overcome with sheer joy.

3rd Major Point Made By Our President:
All electric power has been restored to every inch of Iraq. The water purification system has been tested by Ralph Nader and declared by him as the purist water in the entire world. Oil exports are 300% of pre-war levels.

4th Major Point Made By Our President:
A Constitution patterned after the U.S. Constitution as been adopted by the Iraqi Congress. The document is so good that the U.S. Congress has voted unanimously to scrap the present U.S. Constitution and replace it with the Iraqi Constitution. Saddam himself surprised everyone by showing up at a joint assembly of the Iraqi Congress to proclaim that he thought it was a masterful document and he could not have written a better one himself.

5th Major Point Made By Our President:
Iraqi oil revenues will be used to pay for all medical needs for all of Iraqi citizens for the next fifty years.

6th Major Point Made By Our President:
George W. Bush has given up every penny he owns presently and every penny he will earn for the rest of his life to feed The Children of Iraq. He is moving into the YMCA tomorrow.

Answer To Reporter's Question:
As the President was leaving the stage, a reporter asked him about a rumor concerning a tomato that began circulating around Washington D.C. five minutes before he took the stage to deliver his speech. The President responded that he was aware of the incident and confirmed that an Iraqi citizen, who had just escaped from an insane asylum, had driven up on a moped and thrown a rotten tomato at a U.S. Army cook. It hit the cook square in the back of his head.

SEE BELOW FOR THE HEADLINE IN THE FOLLOWING EDITION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES...

President Forced To Admit To White House Reporter That There Is Open Rebellion Among Iraqi Populace

Would I kid u?

Educational Sillyness

I read an article in a newspaper about how schools administrators are becoming so politically correct and/or afraid of litigation that they are going to ridiculous extremes. One of the following is true and was contained in that article. The other four I made up. Can you tell which one is true?

1. Two third-graders (a boy & girl) were each suspended for one week for holding hands in the cafeteria.
2. A school principal was quoted as saying that students should not be allowed to think but must be programmed to instinctively react as society norms would dictate.
3. A student basketball player was suspended from his team for insensitivity (3 games) because he shot and made a 3-pointer with 5 seconds left in a game in which his team was ahead by 42 points at the time he took the shot.
4. Some school administrators have banned musical chairs because the inevitable elimination, which is the object of the game, invites ridicule.
5. During gym at one school, students are now required to wear warm-up pants because of a parent's complaint to the school board that her daughter's legs were unattractive and she has repeatedly been humiliated because other students have been singing jingles about her having chicken legs.

It's not easy...Is it?

The "winner" is number 4. The losers are our childen.

Would I kid u?

All The Market Will Bear

I keep hearing that Big Oil is charging "All The Market Will Bear" during this latest, but not last, run up in gasoline prices. This started me thinking and here is what I think...

What does "All The Market Will Bear" mean? When was the last time you saw a merchant that was selling his product for Less Than what the market would bear? It seems to me that everything is priced to maximize profit to the seller based on what people are willing to pay molded by competitive pressures that are present in the marketplace.

Big Noodle...
I took this analogy a little further and started examining the pricing practices of the people that bring us Ramen Noodles. Last time I looked, Ramen Noodles were priced at about 10 cents/package (probably less at Sam's Club, and Cosco type stores). I ask you to consider what is in a meal of Ramen Noodles. There isn't much there.

For your 10 cents you get a brick of dried noodles and a small packet of flavoring. That's all there is ... Not much of anything there.

For this you are compelled to fork over 10 cents. Sounds like highway robbery to me.

Since Congress is not doing anything about Illegal Immigration they ought to look into this compelling issue before Big Noodle has its way with us and it is too late.

Would I kid u?