Monday, December 26, 2016

Fake News Is In The News

They (whoever “they” are) are all talking about Fake News. It’s one of those things that you hear about for the first time one day and then, every time you turn around, you are hearing about it again from some other direction. With regard to this Fake News avalanche, I even stopped turning around and the onslaught did not slow down one bit.

This started me thinking about how I could use this to my own advantage. Like a bolt from the blue it came to me how I might dramatically increase sales for my little-read book. I am now on the verge of putting out onto the Internet such juicy Fake News items as these...

Ø Because of its delightful play on words and the exquisite nifty humor that can be found in almost every paragraph of Foolishness...Or Is It?, this once obscure little book has started flying off the shelves in book stores nationwide. Better get yours while supply lasts.

Ø Yesterday the late Albert Einstein walked into the offices of the New York Times and asked to be interviewed about an, up until now, little-read book entitled Foolishness...Or Is It?. He explained that, when he was alive, he had a problem of not being able to relax which usually caused him to not being able to communicate his ideas clearly. He said that’s why it was so hard for others to understand his theories. If he had been able to relax with this wonderful book, he would not have become so uptight and frustrated with those around him who kept looking at him with those confused looks on their faces. He said those confused looks haunt him to this very day.

Ø About to be Ex-President Obama, has bought 25 copies of the Smartfella’s book Foolishness...Or Is It?. When questioned by reporters as to why he had bought so many, the White House Press Secretary explained that he wanted to have one for each of the 22 bathrooms in his new Washington D.C., his new Rancho Mirage and his Magnum P.I. Hawaiian homes, all of which he is in the process of buying. A reporter pressed about why he needed the extra 3 books (everyone knows these 3 homes only have a total of 22 bathrooms). Josh Earnest looked at the reporter with distain as he responded, “Of course, he needs to have one on the bed side table in each home so he can relax with them before he goes to sleep”.

 

What do you think about my plan? Use Comments at the bottom of this Blog Posting to give me some encouragement to go ahead and do this because I’ve never used Fake News before.

 

On second thought, ForgetAboutIt. Everyone else is using Fake News, so why not me too? By the time you get your comments posted, I will already have sent out my Fake News Stories and will be already reaping the Real Rewards.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I Had The Craziest Dream Last Night

I dreamed that I was a successful entrepreneur in the Good Ole USofA.  

I was well respected in my community. I employed many heads of families. They all loved me for what I am doing, had done, and, apparently, will continue to do for Fellow Man into the foreseeable future.

 

To those of you who are Politically Correct, please don’t comment on this Blog Posting and tell me I should have said “Fellow Person” instead of “Fellow Man”. Leave me be. I’m busy creating silliness here!

 

Then the unbelievable happened. One day a representative of our Federal Government from the Department of National Confusion came to see me.

 

I was immediately nervous and in short order I found out that I had something to be nervous about.

 

He used about 7,000 words he explained to me what he could have explained to me in about 27 words and, when he had finished, I realized that I was in deep trouble!

 

It seems that my Federal Government had found out about a new policy I had instituted in my company last week. I was surprised that he had found out about my new policy and, since I know all facets of the Federal Government are Transparent, I came right out and asked how he had found out and he just smiled at me. This made me feel even more uneasy.

 

He then laid out what he had uncovered about my newly instituted policy in minute detail. After he finished, I summoned up the courage to ask, “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

 

He did not smile this time as he leaned across my desk and looked right into my disbelieving eyes and very slowly said, “By law you cannot do that because it makes too much sense to do that and, if you do not rescind what you have done, don’t think for minute that we will not know that you have continued on this logical course of action and, don’t think for another minute that there will not be consequences for you, your family and your taxes.” (They always speak in long sentences.)

 

And then he was gone. Actually he went away so fast I don’t think he left through the door to my office. He just went POOF and a lingering mist drifted toward my sweating brow.

 

A cold chill continued to sweep across me. For awhile I was in quandary about how to reverse my just-announce new policy but all is now well. I googled “Federal Government r Us” and found a pamphlet entitled, “How to Reverse Brilliant Productive Policies in 63 Confusing Convoluted and Hard to Implement Steps”.

 

Oh well, at least I now have a Confusing Convoluted and Hard to Implement way out of my predicament and I will never see that guy in my office again...Or will I?

------------------------

Thank heaven this was only a dream and this has never happened to anyone in the Good Ole USofA...Or was it?...Or has it not?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, December 16, 2016

Vladimir And His People Appear To Like President-Elect Trump And Me

Year to date I have had 142 hits on my Foolishness...Or Is It Web Site from people who live in Russia. That is a good thing unto itself but in the last month I have caught fire over there. 

In the last 30 days I have had 127 of the above mentioned 142 hits and 88 of them came from St. Petersburg. Up until this 88 Hit Deluge there had been only 1 hit from ole St. Petersburg!

 

Have any of you been in St, Petersburg for the last month?

 

If not, this can only mean The Fella has been discovered in Russia!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Attention St. Petersburg Readers:

I hate to think of the disappointment you must feel anytime you check my blog only to find out that I have not published that particular day.

 

This month must have been especially hard on you because I was operated on and did not produce a Foolishness for 9 whole days. You must have been beside your collective selves!

 

I have a way out of your unhappy predicament. Send your email address to zooombuggy-stpete@yahoo.com and I will put you on my Official Notification List. Then, every time I publish, you will get a Notification of Foolishness Creation Email and you can go to the Foolishness...Or Is It web site and enjoy yourself.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you,

The Fella

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Judge to Defendant, “Do You Understand The Charges Against You?” Defendant to Judge, “Huh?” ... Part 2

None of us want to go to jail. That being said, there is a pretty good chance that some who are in jail do not know why they are in jail.

Below are actual crimes I have read about in the newspaper...

·         A Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Use of fire to commit a felony”. (What happened to tried and true Arson?)

·         Another Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Damage or destruction to religious property”. (Kind of makes one think that, if it were not religious property and just plain ole property, no crime would have been committed.)

·         Murder ... The charge was, “Malicious Murder”. When is a murder not malicious? (If the murder was not malicious, might the dead person still be alive?)

·         Our City Hall Was Spray Painted ... The charge was, “Interference with government property”. (What happened to Vandalism? Sort of sounds like one of those big columns in front of City Hall wanted to move to the other side of the building to get out of the sun and somebody blocked its way.)

I bet that some of you are still thinking I make these things up. If I made them up, they would be foolish but they would not be this silly. There is a distinction. Just don’t ask me to explain the distinction.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: This Lagniappe was added 12/14/16.

I could go into a tirade about how we ought to ban all forms of communication about crimes that are committed because it gives the less-innovative criminals among us ideas that they might not come up with on their own.

Case in point...A few months ago criminals rammed a pick-up truck into the wall of a Gun Shop/Firing Range and made off with a whole bunch of Handguns, Rifles and Ammunition. Two days ago suspects rammed their pick-up through the wall of a local Pawn Shop and made off with a bunch of Gaming Systems, Video Games, and a TV.

Can’t you just see one of these bad guys watching TV and seeing the story about the Gun Shop/Firing Range and being bolted upright like Archimedes and saying out loud, “Eureka! What will they think up next? That’s a great idea! I’ve got to call Bruiser and tell him about this!”

What does all of this have to do with the Original Blog Posting about Confusing Charges? I’m sorry you don’t already see it but you don’t because you and you and I am me and I notice things and you don’t.

It’s that, in the Pawn Shop Crime, my newspaper felt it necessary to call the bad guys “Suspects”. I can understand that, if my newspaper were writing about a particular person who has yet to be tried, they would have a assume innocence and refer to that individual as a “Suspect” but that’s not where we are in this story. These bad guys (Am I allowed to say “Bad Guys” just because they are reported to have done bad things?) damaged property and stole things. That is a fact.

I can see where I am getting in too deep on this one. I better obtain the services of a lawyer before I say, imply, insinuate and/or peck out something for which I will be sorry.

I can’t help myself. I must ask one more question...If a proven criminal were hanged for his proven crimes, how long after he is hanged are we required to call him a Suspected Hanged Person before we can officially call him a Dead as a Door Nail Person?

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Monday, December 05, 2016

I Am Updating My Posting Of December 1, 2016

I’m Being Threatened By The Medical Community – Part 2

I told you that my operation tomorrow was called:

Guided Endoscopic Sinus Surgery/ Polypectomy

During my pre-op visit to the hospital I was informed that it is more precisely a:

Fess with Image Guidance – Frontal, Maxillary, Sphenoid, Ethmoid; Polypectomy

I feel a lot better!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Sunday, December 04, 2016

We Have A Desperate Need In The Good Ole USofA To Crank Up Our Impeachment Mechanism

There you go jumping to false conclusions again. You are thinking I am talking about The President of the United States. I am not. I am referring to the well established mechanism we have in place to impeach Cabinet Officers and Agency Heads...Or do we have? 

Actually, the talked about impeachment that is the “inspiration” for this commentary is that of our current Director of The IRS.

 

The last impeachment of a Cabinet Officer or Agency Head was War Secretary William Belknap in 1876. Can you imagine how many times a Cabinet Officer or an Agency Head has done something worthy of impeachment in the last 140 years? If they were geese, their group would referred to as a gaggle.

 

It is hard to imagine the size of that gaggle. When I started to really think about the number of Snidely Whiplashes that might have been deserving of being ridden out of town on a rail it frightened me and I decided to think about something else (I’m sure glad it is Football Season).

 

Before I switched to football, I did do some research and came up with many deserving candidates. One of the more interesting ones was Peter Fernerk who was caught sneaking out of Fort Knox with 7 bars of gold stuffed inside his left shoe.

 

Our Judicial System is so tangled up with itself that it would not surprise any of us if his lawyer, Snidely Whiplash’s brother-in-law, defended him with likes of...

Ø He did not stuff those gold bars in his shoe.

Ø He was unaware that they were stuffed in his shoe because he has had a bad limp since he was in the 4th grade and he thought the limp he was limping was caused by his limp.

Ø Even though he did not stuff them in his shoe he is sorry he stuffed them in his shoe.

Ø He had an abusive father.

Ø He has children to support and they would miss him if he had to go to jail for stealing the gold which he did not steal.

 

Come to think of it, our IRS is held in such low esteem by the folks back home (us), each of our IRS Commissioners probably ought to have Impeachment Process put into motion within 24 hours of being appointed IRS Commissioner.

 

I heard you. You just said to yourself, that the above paragraph is silly. Stop and think about it a moment and you just might find yourself saying to yourself...Or is it?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Thursday, December 01, 2016

I’m Being Threatened By The Medical Community

Before I tell you about The Threat, I’ll give you the fix I got myself into that set me up for The Threat.

I have not been able to taste much of anything I eat nor have I smelled much of anything smelly that came wafting my way for about 3 years.  

The second opinion doctor (I did not trust the first opinion doctor) has convinced me that I have Chronic Sinusitis and Nasal Polyps and he is going to perform an Image Guided Endoscopic Sinus Surgery/ Polypectomy on me next Wednesday.

 

What this all means I have Chronic Sinusitis and Nasal Polyps that requires him to perform an Image Guided Endoscopic Sinus Surgery/ Polypectomy on me or he has just bought a Lexus and he needs to make payments.

 

Just how does a Medical Community Threat come into all of this? Well it’s those warnings that we are being bombarded with by our Doctors, Pharmacists and Lawyers in modern Good Ole USofA.

 

I did not slam my finger in a car door but had I done so I feel fairly certain that that Pre-Surgery Warning I would have to sign off on would be pretty much the same as if I was having my Smashed Finger Nail removed.

 

Here is The Threat...

“The MATERIAL RISKS (yes, all caps) of this procedure are: Infection, allergic reaction, disfiguring scar, severe loss of blood, loss or loss of function of any limb or organ, paralysis or partial paralysis, paraplegia or quadriplegia, brain damage, cardiac arrest, or death.”

 

As if that was not enough to cause me to run out of my doctor’s office, that was followed by this...

“OTHER POSSIBLE RISKS- In addition to the material risks listed above, there may be other possible risks involved in this procedure, including, but not limited to possible: (All of these were in ALL CAPS.)

THE NEED FOR ADDITIONAL SURGERY; INFECTION; BLEEDING; HEADACHE, NASAL CONGESTION, NASAL DRAINAGE, CFS LEAK (they should not use abbreviations), DIFFICULTY URINATING AND/OR CONSTIPATION DUE TO ANESTHESIA; EYE INJURY.

 

Had enough? I’m sorry but they were not finished...

“POSSIBLE RISKS OF ANESTHESIA: Aspiration (breathing in blood or mucus), pneumonia, loose or broken teeth, cardiac arrhythmias (irregular heartbeats), hoarseness, corneal abrasion, nose bleed, hyperthermia (abnormally high body temperature), electrolyte abnormalities (blood chemistry imbalance). Please discuss these with your anesthesiologist.”

 

Yes I signed their Legal Forms but what has me most worried is in the OTHER POSSIBLE RISKS part they had to throw in “but not limited to”. Now I have to worry about everything they did not mention. I guess that’s OK because they mentioned everything…Or did they?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Maybe, if I offered to make one of his Lexus payments, he would agree to say to me, “That’s nothing. Don’t worry about it”.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Take Your Pick. You Can Read Their Silliness Or My Foolishness

Recount Craziness

This is a link to an Article on MSN about the Recount Demands that are currently all over the news...

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/judge-rejects-steins-request-for-hand-recount/ar-AAkVJnV?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartandhp.

(My advice is that you not bother reading the above link. What I have to say below is less confusing and a lot more fun.)

 

This is what The Fella (me) wrote on a very similar look at this issue back in May 2010 & February 2016...

 

Too Many Members Of Congress Can’t Handle Basic Arithmetic

This may seem elementary to those of you who have gone through the 5th grade.

Lots of numbers are being thrown around our 9% Approval Rating Congress these days. I watched in amazement recently on CSPAN as one of our elected "leaders" said the following …

"My good friend from across the aisle has just voiced strong opposition to my proposal to spend $10 Billion to convert all states that are using Paper Ballots to Electronic Voting Machines and to convert all states who are using Electronic Voting Machines to Paper Ballots. I continue to be amazed at the short sightedness of the Opposition Party and their ongoing inability to handle basic arithmetic with regard to a mere $10 Billion price tag."

"I am sure that the folks back home have no problem with spending $10 Billion for such a worthy project. They understand that 10 is not a big number. 11 is bigger than 10 and so is 12. If I were asking for 18, that ought to give pause to the taxpayers as to how their money is being spent but 10 is only 10.  It is hardly more than 9."

"Beam me up Lord. I can no longer stand being around these penny-pinchers who are not smarter than a 5th grader."

Ok, I admit I made up all of the above…Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I think my take on this issue makes a lot more sense.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Don’t Worry About The Small Stuff

We have all heard this catchy saying...Don’t Worry About the Small Stuff and Remember It’s All Small Stuff.

That’s certainly catchy but it’s the Small Stuff that we do concern ourselves with that is the real problem...

Ø Hollywood Celebrity Jennifer has left Hollywood Celebrity Chuck to go spend the rest of her life, or the next month (whichever comes first), with Hollywood Celebrity Ro Badley.

Ø There is a Basketball Game on TV, which you will just die if you don’t see, at the same time as a Football Game, that you will just die if you don’t see.

Ø You really don’t need a Second Smartphone but you have decided to buy a second Smartphone because you just got to have a blue one.

 

In the meantime our Nation is all but ignoring an Ever-Growing and Utterly Unsustainable Federal Debt. We seem to have no concern or understanding of the terms, “Ever-Growing” and “Unsustainable”.

 

Do you want to know if you are a Typical Modern American Citizen? A Typical Modern American Citizen is one that will spend 12.3 seconds looking at the screen that comes up when you click this link... http://www.usdebtclock.org/

 

I understand. You don’t have need to worry about such things because all these years you have been electing President after President and Congress after Congress to ignore such things for you.

 

As for me, I am not going to concern myself with Hollywood Celebrities, TV Sports, a Blue Smartphone or even the Federal Debt because I have other issues. Right now I am obsessed with the dire and debilitating effect that Duluth, GA’s Killer Whale Population will have on our economy, if we were to ever to get a Killer Whale Population.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, November 25, 2016

I Am Truly In A Quandary! … Lagniappe

Today is Black Friday.

Tomorrow is Small Business Saturday.

Monday is Cyber Monday.

Do I have to do them all?

If I don’t do them all, will they know?

If I don’t do them all, am I subject to a penalty of some kind?

What if I don’t need anything?

Am I allowed to not need anything?

If I don’t need anything, am I subject to a penalty of some kind?

What do we do on Tuesday?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe:

My newspaper just told me that Tuesday is #GivingTuesday (Charitable Donations).

What do we do on Wednesday?

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Silly Me. I Thought The News Media Was Going To Lay Low For A Bit. Was I Wrong!

Here is what passes for “News” today...

Ø What Trump did today?

Ø What Trump did not do today?

Ø What Trump would have done, if he had done something else today?

Ø Why is Trump going so slow?

Ø Who might he pick for his Cabinet?

Ø Who has he picked for his Cabinet?

Ø Who did he not pick for his Cabinet?

Ø Is he going to do bing once he takes office?

Ø Is he going to do bang once he takes office?

Ø Is he going to do boom once he takes office?

Ø Why is he waiting till January 20 to take office? Does this hesitancy indicate he is afraid he bit off more than he can chew?

Ø Would he be a better president if he had been elected in 1880?

Ø Since he is only going to take $4 in salary for his term in office, what is he going to do with the remaining $1,599,996?

Ø Since he is the first President in 25 years to not smoke weed does that mean he lacks an understanding of the common man?

Ø Since he had enough ability to play professional baseball but did not, does that mean he thought Babe Ruth was fat?

Ø What is the real reason he let Jimmie Fallon mess up his hair?

Ø If he weighed more would he be heavier?

If you think this list is too long, you are wrong. I have had it analyzed for content by the American Academy of Lists and they have certified that it woefully short when compared to the craziness that has actually taken place since 11/8/16. 

My advice to you, my dear readers, is to not watch the nightly news for 4 years.

 

Yes, it’s going to be awful!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, November 18, 2016

An Election First...Or Is It?

2016 is the first election in United States History where the losing candidate’s supporters were disappointed that the candidate they favored had lost...Or is it?

The difference this year was that the supporters of the losing candidate actually thought the candidate they wanted to win was better than the one who won...Or was she?

 

These strong feelings justify all the crying, all the street demonstrations and all the violence that we have seen on college campuses...Or does it?

 

There was a time in the not too distant past when College Students really had something to be concerned about...

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Here are a few examples from U.S. History where the losing candidate supporters did not riot but accepted the election’s outcome and moved on with their lives...

Ø Republican James A. Garfield vs. Democrat Winfield S. Hancock: After the election Hancock supporters said things like this...I am disappointed that Winfield will not be our President but President-Elect Garfield is a fine fellow and I expect he will make a great President.

Ø Republican William McKinley vs. Democrat William Jennings Bryan: After the election Bryant supporters said things like this...We fought a hard campaign for William but I could not be more pleased that he lost to a very fine gentleman in Mr. McKinley. I will rest easy tonight knowing that McKinley will be steering the Ship of State for the next 4 years.

Ø Republican William Howard Taft vs. Bull Moose Party Theodore Roosevelt vs. Democrat Woodrow Wilson: After the election Roosevelt and Taft supporters said things like this...Wow! This was sure a historical election since it had 3 major party candidates. We could not be more pleased that our candidate was bested by such a qualified candidate as is the case with President-Elect Wilson who will certainly make a fine President.

 

If you think I made all of these loser accolades up, you are correct. In fact, the supporters of the losers were devastated. The difference was they went on with their lives and, as disappointed as they were, they hoped for the best and prayed that the newly elected President would do a fine job for the Good Ole USofA.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Let us not forget the election of 1800 where Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr tied with the same number of Electoral Votes and the President was chosen by the House of Representatives. The House decided in favor of Jefferson because they considered him the lesser of two evils. Some were said to believe Jefferson was “less dangerous” than Burr.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Becoming A Naturalized Citizen Of The United States

There are some among us that believe that we have an obligation to take into our country anyone who wants to come into our country for whatever reason they want to come into our country.

If you take the time to read through the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services...Citizenship Through Naturalization you will not find the following bullet points spelled out as valid reasons for becoming a citizen...

Ø Wants to come to America because of a strong desire to get rid of the U.S. Constitution and to replace it with Sharia Law.

Ø Wants to come here to be closer to the places he wants to blow up.

Ø Wants to become an American Citizen because he has a very contagious disease and the people that he is making sick in his home country are telling him to go away.

 

Here are some interesting parts of Citizenship Through Naturalization that you will not hear about on the Nightly News...

Ø An applicant for naturalization must show that he or she has been and continues to be a person attached to the principles of the Constitution of the United States and well disposed to the good order and happiness of the United States during the statutorily prescribed period.​

Ø An applicant who is hostile to the basic form of government of the United States, or who does not believe in the principles of the Constitution, is not eligible for naturalization.​ 

Ø The applicant must understand that he or she is sincerely and absolutely renouncing all foreign allegiance.

Ø The applicant must understand that he or she is giving true faith and allegiance to the United States, its Constitution and Laws.

Ø The applicant must understand that he or she is discharging all duties and obligations of citizenship including military and civil service when required by the law.

Ø The applicant’s true faith and allegiance to the United States​include supporting and defending the principles of the Constitution by demonstrating an acceptance of the democratic, representational process established by the U.S. Constitution, and the willingness to obey the laws which result from that process.​

Ø The officer will review an applicant’s record and testimony during the interview on the naturalization application to determine whether he or she was ever a member of or in any way associated with (either directly or indirectly) the Communist Party, any other totalitarian party or​ a terrorist organization.​

Ø Current and previous membership in these organizations may indicate a lack of attachment to the Constitution and an indication that the applicant is not well-disposed to the good order and happiness of the United States.​  Membership in these organizations may also raise issues of​ ​lawful admission, good moral character​ or may even render the applicant removable.​

 

If you think I am making things up again and want to read for yourself, go to https://www.uscis.gov/us-citizenship/citizenship-through-naturalization and read all about it.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Many practitioners of Sharia Law believe in limiting Freedom of Religion, Freedom of Speech & Freedom of Assembly. This does not sound very U.S. Constitutional to me.

 

Lagniappe Part 2: Hey, I just went over 60,000 Page Views! That is a momentous milestone because that’s just about what Katy Perry (whoever that is?) gets in a day.