Saturday, June 27, 2015

This May Be My Shortest Blog Posting Yet

I must have been watching the wrong TV Channels because I recently saw a newspaper describe the Baltimore Riots as, "a week of mostly peaceful protests".

That’s like saying that the Terrorists that shot up that beach in Tunisia yesterday were really Peace Loving because they only killed 38 people when they could have killed a lot more if they had really tried.

Would I kid u?


Lagniappe: You like to travel? Here’s a bunch of tempting deals for you...

This Just Might Be My Last Blog Posting About Our National Obsession With Smart Phones & Smart Pads


Did I just hear you say to yourself, “Why is this the last one”? 

It’s simple. There is nothing else to be said because this cartoonist has captured the full essence of our Obsessive Silliness…


Do you think that deep down the Late Steve Jobs is thinking that he made a mistake & maybe he should have spent his time inventing the next iteration of Jiffy Pop?


Would I kid u?



Thursday, June 25, 2015

I’ve Talked About Our Sliding Down The Slippery Slope Before But It’s Gotten Worse

Did I just hear you say, “How much worse is it?”...

My Dear Readers, we appear to be Spinning Out of Control as we Slide Down the Slippery Slope.

First Example...

The Federal Government’s H-2A program allows U.S. employers to bring foreign nationals into the United States to fill temporary agricultural jobs. A U.S. employer must file a Form I-129 Petition for Nonimmigrant Worker, on a prospective worker’s behalf. This filing requires a $325 Filing Fee per worker.

However, starting on June 9, a computer failure has prevented the U.S. from issuing thousands of temporary and immigrant visas, leaving more than 1,000 agricultural workers stranded at the border just as the summer harvest gets under way.

The workers are overdue to start harvesting berries and other crops on U.S. farms. It is estimated that California agriculture, already stressed by drought, is losing $500,000 to $1 million for each day of delay.

It’s the old Damned If You Do & Damned If You Don’t issue...

Ø If the farmers try & abide by the law & use the H-2A Program, the Federal Government cannot give them the workers they need.

Ø If they turn to using Illegal Workers, the Federal Government fines & penalizes them.

I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that the part of the Federal Government’s computer program that collects the $325 Filing Fee is humming along like a well oiled machine.

Second Example...

Someone (China?) has hacked into our Federal Government’s Office of Personnel Management (OPM) data base & the Hackers (aka: Bad Guys) now have a humongous amount of personal information about every federal employee.

A former Federal Employee was quoted as saying, “I can’t think about the national security implications of a foreign government knowing every single federal employee, where they work, where they live, all of their significant data. Think about what that information can do in the hands of people who want to do us harm.”

I used the quote from a former Federal Employee because current Federal Employees operate under the Modus Operandi that if they down play & deny really bad news it will never become really bad news.

The Associated Press reported “two people briefed on the investigation disclosed Friday that as many as 14 million current and former civilian U.S. Government employee have had their information exposed to hackers, a far higher figure than the 4 million the Administration initially disclosed.”

Under a worst-case scenario outlined by, the information obtained by hackers could be used to derail trains (although they seem to be derailing just fine all by themselves without outside help), disrupt air traffic control systems, explode chemical plants and gas pipelines and compromise electric grids, causing large-scale blackouts across the country. Who needs missiles when a laptop and the right software can be just as effective?

While the U.S. Government should have seen this coming, clearly it was unprepared for such an invasion of privacy.

My Dear Readers, the above short paragraph is a Smoking Gun...

If we were able to see it coming, why were we unprepared?

Because so many in Congress read my Blog Postings, I have long had a Federal Monitor assigned to look over my shoulder as I peck out what I peck out. His name is Felix. He just told me to tell you that everything will be alright.

Would Felix kid u?



Wednesday, June 24, 2015

I No Longer Understand Words

How many times has the Deadline for signing a Nuclear Agreement with Iran been passed by as if the Deadline did not exist?

I have tried to find out how many Deadlines have been ignored up until this point so I could impress you with how well I can research my facts before I publish my Foolishness but I have failed. I’ll just have to wing it.

Suffice it to say (now there is awkward phraseology) there have been several Deadlines that have been brushed aside as if they were a swinging door standing along the path of our headlong pursuit of the next Deadline.

Boy, am I glad I got past that complicated introduction to the real reason for this Foolishness...Or Is It?. Remembering the Subject of this posting I will now address why, I No Longer Understand Words.

One of the words I no longer understand is “Final”. The next “Final” deadline for our Nuclear Agreement with Iran is June 30.

We are now being told that there is a distinct possibility that negotiations will continue after the “Final” Agreement has been finally agreed to & finally signed.

Does this make any sense?

Would I kid u?

OK I will kid u...

What’s next? Will we see the Final buzzer go off at the end of the Final game of the NBA Championship &, after the players wearing the NBA World Championship Baseball Caps have been jumping around for 5 minutes, will we hear the PA System come to life with the following shocking announcement...

All of you down there please stop jumping around. The Maintenance Crew is hereby instructed to sweep up all that confetti. The Balloon Popping Crew please start popping all those balloons. We have decided that the Final Score is not the Final Score & we will play on until we have a new Final Score.

OK, I admit that the above PS System Announcement is complete silliness & such a thing will never happen...Or will it never?

Would I kid u?



Friday, June 19, 2015

Lord Knows I Try To Be Politically Correct But Sometimes It Is Really Hard

I looked up the word “Mister” in my dictionary & here is what I found... “A conventional title of respect for a man, prefixed to the name and to certain official designations (usually written as the abbreviation Mr.)”.

To The Fella the Key Word in this definition is, “Respect”. In the world of politically correct the word “Mister” is alive & well but they have forgotten the “Respect” part.

A couple of days ago a young man shot & killed 9 people while they were praying & studying in their church. I will not go into further details about these murders because you know all about it.

What has caught my eye is the article in my newspaper this morning. The murderer was called “Mister” 17 times.

I think this calling awful people “Mister” is new to news reporting. We used to insert their Middle Names to make sure we were talking about the real evil person who had done real evil things & not your nice next door neighbor who regularly sends over samples of his cooking...

  • Lee Harvey Oswald (Kennedy)

  • John Wilkes Booth (Lincoln)

  • Jared Lee Loughner (Giffords)

  • John Wayne Gacy (A whole bunch of people)

  • Mark Davis Chapman (Lennon)

  • James Earl Ray (King)

Oftentimes (now there’s an old word), when they were running out of ink or space our newspapers would leave out their first two names & just call the evil person by their Last Name (Oswald, Booth, Loughner, Gacy, Chapman, Ray) but they certainly did not waste ink or space & call him “Mister”.

OK I’m going to throw caution to the wind & peck out how I really feel about this murderer. I think he is a worm.

As soon as I pecked out the word “worm” my computer’s Auto Correct popped up & directed me to call this worm, “Mr. Worm” & then went right ahead & told me I should also have said “Mr. Murderer”.

OK, I give up. I can see that I’m not going to win this battle either.

Would I kid u?



Monday, June 15, 2015

You Don't Just Put It In Your Mug...Now You Can Put It On Your Mug

On February 21st & 23rd of this year I published 2 Blog Postings that made light of the fact that...

What Used To Be Bad For Us Is Now Good For Us



One of the Used To Be Bad For Us Things was Coffee. Now we are not simply being told that it is OK to drink coffee but some "experts" are directing us to go out of our way to consume coffee & Drink 4 to 5 Cups a Day!

What was it that was bad for us when coffee was bad for us? It was Caffeine. We have done so much of an about face on Caffeine that it is now going where no ingredient has gone before.

Caffeinated Shave Cream…

Although they don’t expect the shaving cream to replace your morning cuppa, we now know that the body can absorb caffeine through skin and hair follicles.

Stan Ades a co-founder of the Caffeine Insertion Company has said, “The best part about caffeine in our products is its ability to act as an effective vasoconstrictor that helps reduce the appearance of redness”.

The company says their shaving cream utilizes the many benefits of naturally-derived caffeine to help liven up your morning shave routine. It will give you an exceptional shave, help reduce the appearance of redness, and keep your skin looking and feeling healthy all day. It may not replace your morning coffee, but it will give a little extra kick to your morning routine.

This Used To Be Bad For Us but is Now Good For Us Phenomena has me all excited. Bacon is the best example. If bacon is now good for us, can the Cannoli be far behind?

Would I kid u?



Thursday, June 11, 2015

NYC Parking Spots...Always There When You Need Them

If you live in New York City & you want to always have a parking spot available to you, you need to become a cop on a TV Cop Show. In every episode when the cops arrive at the scene of the crime, there is a Pull Straight In Parking Spot waiting for them.

Although this is unrealistic, I’m glad they do find parking easy because otherwise we would have a whole bunch of very boring Cop Shows as we watched our heroes drive around the block over & over before they can spring into action.

These shows are not called Reality Shows because the truth is all parking spaces in NYC are always parked in. They are so precious that once a spot is found many people never move their cars again. That’s why the subway was invented. It’s New York’s version of Park & Ride.

Since no spots are available, people are forced to Double Park. To keep from getting a ticket for double parking, New Yorker’s hire full time Car Movers to come live with them. When they do go out & about, the Car Mover sits in the car &, when the meter maid approaches, they move the car around & around the block until the meter maid goes to get a donut.

Because they now have to provide Health Insurance to the Car Movers, many New Yorker’s are getting inventive. They have started disguising their double-parked cars as trees or bushes so the meter maids will not see them.

Yea, I know I got carried away with this one but is it any sillier than TV Cop Show Cops always pulling straight in?

Would I kid u?



Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Presidential Candidate Nothing

The Subject of this Foolishness...Or Is It? is a little bit more confusing than is need be. That's because I truncated it into its shortened version. The complete subject is, "Presidential Candidate Said Nothing".

Is that not better? What did you just say? Did I just hear you say that "Presidential Candidate Said Nothing" does not clarify anything? Please allow me to try again.

In the Good Ole USofA today we are taking offence at darn near everything you can or cannot imagine. I just read in my newspaper where Nike, Inc. is in trouble because they are again offering a discount to members of the Law Enforcement Community.

This promotion began after the 9/11/01 Terrorist Attack on the World Trade Center but it is now drawing complaints because the promotion is being called insensitive given tensions over recent deaths of black men at the hands of the police.

I bet that when Nike came up with this idea back in 2001 they never thought they would be attacked over a promotion like this. They saw it as a sure winner.

Back to "Presidential Candidate Said Nothing".

Because anything that a Presidential Candidate says can now be turned into Controversy, I am contending that in the future (the present?) a Candidate that had a Non-Campaign will stand the best chance of getting elected. Here is a how it might work...

  • Go around the Good Ole USofA & wave as he/she descends the steps from his/her plane. (If you do or don’t mind I am going to cease & desist from putting in the “/she” & the “/her”. My fingers get tired pecking out my silliness & you must know by now that I am Politically Correct...Or do u?) After he waves & descends & can turn around & go back up the steps & fly to another community that is eagerly waiting to hear him not say anything.
  • He can make a point of hugging & kissing babies at every opportunity. If his campaign managers are really sharp they would have several babies at the bottom of each set of airplane stairs. This is what’s calling Campaign Location Efficiency.
  • If ever the candidate were to be forced to the point where he must answer a question, no matter what the question is, he should always give this answer...
    “That’s an excellent question. With regard to the substance of the issue you are raising I think it is essential that we consider the systematized reciprocal concept that this issue presents. Actually the optional incremental projection has a parallel in history when you consider that the compatible logistical time-phase is mitigated yet constrained by its integrated monitored capability.”
    The candidate’s minions would be stationed throughout the attentive throng shouting, “What an excellent answer!” or “That nails it!” or “What could be more precise & to the point!”

Considering how modern campaigns are so efficient, I have just seen a fly in my ointment. It’s the Babies. Can’t you just hear our Not Saying Anything Candidate’s Opponents Spin Machine issuing this statement?... “In all the history of campaigning across the Fruited Plain have you ever seen anything so heartless? Can you even imagine the anguish couples who cannot have babies of their own must feel as they see him kissing & holding & smiling? I am certain that the American Voter now sees him for what he is, a manipulative opportunist who does not feel the pain of his fellow Americans!”

Scratch The Babies!

Would I kid u?



Saturday, June 06, 2015

These People Need Our Help. Thank Heaven Help Is On The Way.

At the present time Armed Police Officers in Washington DC are being trained in how to use public toilets without leaving their guns behind.

A Washington, D.C. official was quoted as saying...

"I would be remiss if I did not say that the officers involved in these recent weapons cases reported in the media in no way intended to leave their weapons unattended."

To which America replied…

No S**t, Sherlock”.

As a society are we on the verge of getting too deep into minutia? What's next on the Silliness Horizon?...

  • Teachers are being trained in Palooka, Illinois as to how to hold their pointers properly to make sure that the pointer itself is pointed at the specific information about which they are talking.
  • Automobile drivers in Winnetta, Maine are being required to attend a 4 hour seminar to impress upon them the importance of looking in their rear-view mirrors before they put their cars in reverse. There have been 3 serious injuries to Used Car Dealers in Winnetta who have been run over living up to their sales commitment to stand behind every car they sell.
  • Students in Albeania, Nevada are now being given intensive training in order to show them how to properly hold their Computer Mice. Several students have been driven to tears because of the frustration because they were holding their mice backwards.

These 3 examples are representative of problem issues that an uncaring public might heartlessly shout, "Hey there, Fella, watch what you’re doing".

Thank heaven we are not uncaring in the Good Ole USofA.

Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Just in case you think I made up the Weapons Left Behind Silliness, click here:

Wednesday, June 03, 2015

Coming To The Defense Of TSA

I am not one to shirk from taking controversial positions. It’s what I do. This time I am defending our much maligned Transportation Security Authority. Someone’s got to do it & I am ready to stand up for them.

The TSA is all over the nightly news & talk radio because of their failure to detect many attempts to test their procedures to see if their procedures are proceeding correctly...

First of all I think their attackers are being too picky. It has been reported that TSA failed 67 out of 70 security probes. I am ready to look on the bright side. They did detect 3 security probes, did they not?

I could stop right here with my defense of the TSA & feel that I have put their detractors in their proper place but am now going to move on to my most irrefutable argument. The TSA’s Mission Statement is...

Put In Place The Procedures Necessary To Detect & Thwart Any & All Attempts By Bad People Trying To Do Bad Things To Our Airplanes

Don’t you see it? Don’t you see where they are being unfairly attacked? You do not? My dear readers, again you disappoint me...

These are not Bad People Trying To Do Bad Things these are Good People Trying To Do Bad Things

There I have said it. I have said what needs to be said. I don’t see how anyone could argue with my logic but I know there are some out there that will attack me for saying the truth. I stand ready to adsorb their blows. It’s what I do.

Would I kid u?



Monday, June 01, 2015

Saving Our Country From Economic Disaster
Recently I was grazing through the Free Food Giveaway Stations at my local Costco & I was inspired to do a Blog Posting about the experience.
I started recording into my phone all the many food selections I was offered. The more I ate & the more I recorded the more I got excited about the Foolishness welling up inside of me.
I am always looking out for what I can do to divert the Good Ole USofA from its impending economic collapse & this one hit me like a bolt out of the blue (whatever that means).
First I will peck out for you the menu selections & then I will explain how Costco Can Save Our Country (I am fairly certain you will have seen it before I explain it...Or am I?)...
Ø Spinach Artichoke Dip
Ø Smoked Sausage
Ø Pizza
Ø Hot Dogs
Ø Chips
Ø Cheese
Ø Hawaiian Sweet Rolls with BBQ Brisket
Ø Mango Salsa with Peach on Tortilla Chips
Ø Tortilla Rolls with Guacamole
Ø Ragu Pasta Sauce on Mozzarella Breaded Cheese Sticks
Ø Buffalo Chicken Wings
Ø Panko Chicken
Ø Crab Spread
Ø Lobster Spread
Ø Honey Multi Grain Bread
Ø Cranberry Walnut Bread
Ø Crunchy French Bread
Ø Elbow Pasta Rigatoni
Ø Skimmed Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
Ø Smoked pulled pork w roaster pineapple & habanera sauce
Ø Mild Italian sausage
Ø Sport drink variety
That's quite a mouthful! If I had had my horse with me, I could have choked him. Heck, I probably could have choked my Hippopotamus!
Since you did not see my plan (as I hoped you might) here's my plan to save the Good Ole USofA...
Instead of issuing more & more Food Stamps (aks: Snap or EBT), the Federal Government could just buy all of these needy people an Annual Costco Membership & anytime they get hungry they could mosey over to Costco & graze around until they satisfy their hunger craving.
There it is. It is really quite simple, is it not? I remain amazed at why I seem to be the only one who sees the obvious.
I pushed my idea a little further. I called up the Food Stamp/SNAP/EBT Department in Washington D.C. & talked with a high ranking higher up. He immediately came back at me as soon as he heard my idea & said, "We could not possibly do that". Dumbfounded I asked why & he said, "Because that would work like a charm & would save the Federal Government a lot of money".
As a testament to how far we have been beaten down I just let it drop. I am sad to say that I understood perfectly well that he was telling me the unvarnished truth.
Would I kid u?
Lagniappe: How about some What Ifs?
Ø What if Costco could not handle the volume?
Answer: The Federal Government should tell them they had to build more stores.
Ø What if Costco started to go out of business?
Answer: The Federal Government should pass a Law telling them that they were not allowed to go out of business.

I just hope the Good Ole USofA can keep from imploding long enough to allow time for the Federal Government to fix everything.