You Got My Money!

Every day since Jonah Mail invented the daily delivery of Mail individuals and business have spent a portion of their day opening envelopes. Who would have ever expected that some insane person would decide one day to put Anthrax into envelopes so that the persons opening those envelopes would breathe in that bad stuff and get sick and/or die?

In 2001 we had an insane evil person (a loan government scientist who later committed suicide) do the evil deed described in the paragraph above. As a result of the actions of this one insane person, 4 people died and 17 others became sick. We all can agree that the bad guy did the bad thing...Or can we?

It seems that the widow of one of the dead and her intrepid lawyer did not agree. They filed a lawsuit against our government (that’s us) in 2003. They have just been rewarded for their efforts by our government (that’s us) agreeing to pay out $2,500,000 of our money.

Why did they not sue the manufacturer of the envelope or the manufacturer of vehicle that carried the mail to her husband’s office or the Post Office or the manufacturer of the letter opener? They sued our government (that’s us) and not all those others because our government (that’s us) has an unlimited supply of money that can be borrowed from China (that’s not us).

We have all seen a myriad of You Have Got To Be Kidding lawsuits. When they were filed we laughed. Once they were settled, we said to our collective selves, “How did they get that much money for that silly law suit?”

I am here to tell you about one that you will probably read about any day now...

• A bad guy points a gun at a good guy and pulls the trigger.
• Another good guy jumps in front of the intended victim and takes the bullet instead.
• The another good guy recovers and sues the bad guy and is awarded $12,000,000.
• The intended victim good guy then sues the another good guy contending that the another good guy took the bullet that was intended for him and, therefore, took his $12,000,000.

This is silly...Or is it?

This is foolishness...Or is it?

This will never happen...Or will it?

Would I kid u?

Did You Really Think I Would Overlook Black Friday?

I know what you have been thinking. You have been wondering how it is that I have not commented on Black Friday. This annual madness is certainly one of the most Foolish things we engage in every year. Well wonder no more. Here it comes.

They are responsible. They did this to us. They got together with them (the same bunch that puts potholes in our collective streets) and decided to do this to us.

They knew that the key to success was to use the word “bargain”. The folks back home cannot resist a bargain. Once we knew there were bargains to be had, we were toast.

Let’s call him Homer. I read in my newspaper about Homer and his bargain gathering during last week’s Black Friday Rampage. He is a Bargain Hunting Machine ... Or is he?

Homer has bargain hunting down to a science...

• He prints out maps of the interior layout of the stores so he will not waste any seconds turning down the wrong aisles as he gathers up his bargains.
• He has assistant bargain hunters standing in line for him at various bargain stores.
• Other assistants push extra bargain collection carts behind him to hold his bargains as he swishes through the various aisles of his various stores.
• He uses his bargain hunting assistants to stand in line to pay for his bargains so he can dart off to other stores where his Standing-In-Line Assistants have been standing in line for him.
• he article reports that among his most coveted bargains this year were a Trampoline, a Giant Bean Bag Chair and a Toy Peddle Car.

The guy is a bargain hunting genius ... Or is he?

This mental midget was interviewed about his bargain gathering. In the interview he said he did not know the original prices of most of the things he bought. He figured he was saving 20% to 40%.

They have won. We have lost. The Homers out there don’t even check to find out what the original cost of what they harvest on Black Friday is. They have convinced us that everything is a bargain on Black Friday.

I always feel obligated to predict the future for my dear readers. Here is what I see coming...

Homer will one day walk out of a store on Black Friday clutching a $2,000 Etch a Sketch and saying to himself, “Self, it certainly must be a real bargain because I bought it on Black Friday”.

Would I kid u?

Explaining The Unexplainable ... Again

According to Yahoo Health... “Dehydration means your body does not have as much water and fluids as it should. Dehydration can be caused by losing too much fluid, not drinking enough water or fluids, or both.” Link below... http://health.yahoo.net/channel/dehydration.html

According to the European Food Standards Authority, this understanding of dehydration is in question...

“In a declaration being met with widespread criticism, the European Food Standards Authority has ruled bottled water distributors can’t advertise that their products prevent dehydration.” Link below...

http://www.baynews9.com/article/news/2011/november/346823/European-commission-claims-bottled-water-doesnt-prevent-dehydration.html

The Smartfella? always likes to explain things to his loyal readers. I am ready to help each of you understand this somewhat confusing situation. It is really simple. What European Food Standards Authority is telling us is simply...

Drinking Water Is Not a Remedy for a Lack of Water

Now do you understand?

Glad I could help.

Would I kid u?

Our News Media Is Right Again!

Ever since the Super Committee was created in August our intrepid news media has been referring to them by the title, So Called Super Committee.

This caused me no end of confusion. I kept saying to myself, “Self, is the super committee super or is it not super? If our 9% Approval Rating Congress designated them as super, then they must be super. How can our media just take it upon their collective selves to impugn their validity like this? What gives them the right to add on, ‘So Called’?”

Now we know that the So Called Super Committee is no more. They have thrown in the towel. They have given up the ghost. They have folded their tent. They have cried “uncle” (whatever that means).

I will never question our news media again. They were right on the money with their use of, “So Called”.

The Smartfella’s? mind sees things that ordinary fellas do not see. What I see is the fact that the worst part of this whole thing is the damage that has been done to anything super...

• Can the children of America ever look with amazed admiration at Superman again?
• All our fast food restaurants are going to have to get a replacement for, “Super Size Me”.
• The Duper family of Squirrel Tail, Illinois is going to find their children being ridiculed and picked upon by bullies at school by being called “Super Duper”.

Our Super Committee has proven that it is a Super Failure and I see no need to add “So Called” to that well earned designation.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

Silliness Is Engrained In GOP Debates

It does not make sense that candidates have only 30 Seconds to answer questions.

Would I kid u?

(This posting was too short. The following was added the day after it was originally published.)

Mr. Madison, this proposed Constitution of yours is generally acknowledged by Ye Ole News Media as a document that is too complicated to stand the test of time. Aaron Burr has proposed a 3X5 Index Card replacement. Would you explain to ye ole folks back home why this unwieldy creation of yours should be adopted tomorrow? You have 30 Seconds to answer.

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

Debates Are Boring But I Can Fix That

I have contracted with 7 major television networks to host and moderate a GOP Presidential Debate. It will be called, The Smartfella’s? Google Twitter Backyard Town Hall Meeting Facebook You-Tube GOP Presidential Debate Chit Chat. 

Even if I do say so myself, this is a real catchy name for a debate.

The questions in the 78 debates that have been held since the first of November all seem to have been the same. I am going to break new ground and go where no moderator has gone before. I am going to change up the questions and the questioned to bring a whole new perspective on what has been a very predictable and dull affair.

Here are just a few example questions…

Question #1… Mr. Santorum, while you were Governor of Massachusetts you came up with a Health Care Plan that many say was the model for Obamacare. Why did you call it Romneycare instead of calling it Santorumcare?

Question #2… Mr. Gingrich, what in your background growing up as a poor black person in Jim Crow South make you believe that you could sexually harass 4 different women in the space of 3 years?

Question #3… Ms. Bachmann, during your decade as Governor of Texas it has been reported that on many occasions you moonlighted as an Obstetrician and Gynecologist by the name of Ron Paul. Are you going to continue to deny that you committed this deception? Is it not time to come clean with the American People and finally tell the folks back home how many teeth you filled during this rotten Decade of Deception?

I could list more than three but I think you may have seen enough of my intended line of questioning to fully understand what true investigative questioning looks like or you may have just had enough.

By allowing you to read this blog posting I have taken you into my confidence. You are the only one besides me that knows the intended line of questioning that I will employ as moderator of this ground breaking debate.

Most of all don’t tell the candidates. The American People deserve to know if their next President can think on his/her feet and if they can handle that 3am phone call.

Would I kid u?

 

Why Pass Meaningful Legislation When Gimmickry Will Do The Trick?

I saw an article in the newspaper today that was headlined as follows,

“Gimmicks Could Help Rescue Deficit Talks”

Wow! Think about this for a minute. Instead of passing legislation that could truly make a difference, our 9% Approval Rating Congress is spending it’s time figuring out how they can trick us into thinking that they did something of importance.

Here is a Foolish Example (Or is it)...

Your boss calls you into his lavish corner office and thanks you for all your hard work and tells you that a grateful company is giving you a 15% raise. Considering the present dire economic circumstances, however, the raise will not be included in your paycheck’s automatic deposit each month.

He explains that this is a Win Win for all concerned... You get a raise and the company does not have to give you any extra money.

My Foolish juices are flowing and you know what that means...

In your mind’s eye picture these points made in an address in Congress by Senator Foghorn...

Ø Having first been elected to the Senate at the age of 7 he is now in his 6^th decade of service to the folks back home.

Ø There is no need to pass legislation that will address the ever-expanding federal deficit in any meaningful way because the folks back home will never understand the legalize in which it is written (members of Congress do not understand it either) and/or the simple-minded folks are too busy watching Dancing With the Stars.

Ø  As has so often worked in the past, Gimmickry is the way to proceed.

Ø The basic premise of his present obfuscation plan is to claim credit for the money that will not be spent in Afghanistan and Iraq for the next 50 years plus any other wars that we will not get into during this period of time to declare the budget balanced.

There it is. It makes perfect sense. The folks back home will fall for it for sure. They always do.

It gives us folks a great deal of comfort to know that their 9% Approval Rating Congress is on the job and watching out for our well being ... Or does it?

Would I kid u?

 

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

The Wheels Of Justice Grind Slowly … Or Do They?

In a single page of my local newspaper the other day I found the following…

• A bad person was finally convicted of killing a neighbor in December 2001.
• Another bad person’s execution for killing his girlfriend and her two sons on New Year’s Eve 1993 was delayed.
• Another bad person who killed a man and his son in 2004 has been awaiting trial since March 2005. (This one is especially interesting because the defense attorneys have been using every trick in or out of the book to delay the trial and are now asking for dismissal because their client has been denied a speedy trial.)

Do you see why I cleverly chose, “The Wheels Of Justice Grind Slowly” as the subject of this blog posting?

I feel compelled to go into a tirade:

Our System Of Justice Always Takes a Long Time To Do Anything … Or does it?

Enter Lindsey Lohan…

Our Lindsey has been sent to jail 5 times since 2007. The latest time she was sent to jail was a few days ago. This time she was welcomed into jail to serve a 30 day sentence but was released less than 5 hours later because the sheriff said the jail was overcrowded.

The sheriff wants us to know that he thinks we are stupid because he issued the following statement, “She was treated like every other inmate who has gone through similar circumstances”.

The Smartfella? has 2 questions for the sheriff…

• Does “similar circumstances” mean they too were sent to jail 5 times since 2007?
• If the jail was overcrowded, that means there were probably other people who had been in jail longer than less than 5 hours. Why could not one of those long termers have been released instead of Lindsey?

Guess our good sheriff never heard of the accounting method of First In First Out.

Would I kid u?

Crystal Ball Justice

I have pined about the need for Crystal Balls before and, as usual, the world is ignoring me. We need them! Think how many Jobs Jobs Jobs could be created if there were Crystal Ball Factories all over the good ole USofA!

If we had a crystal ball in all courtrooms, our system of justice would function a lot better.

Michael Jackson’s Doctor has just been convicted of causing Michael to die. The trial has taken about six weeks. It has cost the American Tax Payers an untold amount of money.

Everyone on TV seems to be satisfied with the conviction. I am not on TV but I am not too pleased with what I heard today just might be the sentence that will be handed out to the Convicted Doctor.

My TV told me that the Convicted Doctor may get 4 years in jail or he may be sentenced to 4 years of Home Confinement.

Huh? Did I just say that my TV just said, “Home Confinement”? This means that we have had to endure all this time in court, all these witnesses, all these speeches, all these deliberations, all this money being spent, all those demonstrators outside the courtroom showing their support for the dead Michael, all these reporters reporting anything and everything about this case and now we may end up with Home Confinement!

See why I wish we had a Crystal Ball in every courtroom? If we could have looked into the crystal ball and seen that we were going to end up with Home Confinement, we could skipped all of the consternation described in the above paragraph and just say to the not-so-good doctor, “Go Home”.

Sure would have been a lot easier.

Would I kid u?

Congress Is Paying No Attention To Me

Years ago I wrote about how Congress was taking funds out of the Highway Trust Fund and using it for other “more worthy?” things and, as usual, they paid me no mind.

My basic premise is that the Gas Sales Tax is levied on us to pay for Highways, Bridges and Roads because Highways, Bridges and Roads are in need of constant maintenance and construction.

Taking the money to use for other needs is misappropriation of funds but Congress does this type of thing all the time.

Congress doing things all the time makes it OK … Or does it?

There you go again thinking there I am being too picky but you will never get me to change my mind on this one. I believe that, if they want to spend $78,000,000,000 (amount Congress spent in the last 4 years) on other things, they ought to pass completely separate bills to fund these other things. What other things am I talking about? Here are a few examples…

• Bicycle Paths
• Walking Paths
• Jogging Paths
• 25 transportation museums
• Horse Riding Trails
• Daniel Boone Path (whatever that is)

Now you are saying to yourself, “Self, why is he being so hard on Congress? If the money is just sitting around, why not put it to use?”

That’s just it. The money is not just sitting around. Congress has to keep adding money to the depleted Highway Trust Fund.

Where do we get the money to bail out the Highway Trust Fund? Can you say … “Borrow from China”?

What did I just hear you say to yourself? Did you really say, “It is just sitting around in China?” I do not consider that a valid argument.

Would I kid u?

Big News Big Bank Big Celeb … Signs Of The Times

Are we beings distracted from news that is important to us by our Big News Media?

Bank of America was attacked from all side (including the Senate floor) because it announced it was going to charge $5/month for Debit Card use.

They were attacked because they were the first to do this dastardly deed … Right? … Wrong!

The reason BofA was attacked is because they are BIG.

BofA cancelled their Debit Card Charge on November 1, 2011 and now it appears that all banks have reversed this charge.

What’s that I said? You thought that BofA was the only bank that was evil enough to do such a terrible thing?

Actually BofA was one of many to participate in this new charge. Many of the banks instituted their debit charge before BofA. In my area, SunTrust put their charge into effect  in June. BofA did not start their charge until September 29th.

I guess that Senator who told the Nation from the Senate floor to get out of BofA must not have been well informed about the others who beat BofA to the wallet of the folks back home. The Smartfella thinks he should have started poking holes in the air when the first bank instituted the first debit charge.

The real evil here is not the Debit Card Use Charge. The real evil is that, while the Big News Media and Congress were concentrating on BofA, Big Media was not keeping us uninformed about real news that we so desperately need. Things along the lines of...

• Paris Hilton getting out of jail.
• Lindsay Lohan going to jail.
• Certainly Big Oil or Big Noodle or Big Box must have done something evil that we deserve to be informed about.
• Kim Kardashian getting married and divorce.

Hard to believe but Kim is overshadowing the other two Celebs mentioned above…

• A 4 hour TV Special about her marriage was watched by 4,000,000 viewers.
• The wedding cost $10,000,000.
• The marriage lasted 72 days before she announced her plans to divorce What’s His Name (that’s $1,388,889 per day on the Smartfella’s Money Well Spent Index).

Sure hope as much TV time is devoted to her upcoming divorce. Her fans deserve it.

Would I kid u?