Obsessed? … There Is No Doubt I Am!

This posting is intended to remove all doubt about my obsession about Cell Phone Distracted Drivers and prove to you that I have good reason to be the way I am…

• Today I was driving down a four lane street when I took note of a curious happening in a car that was overtaking me at a rapid speed, as I traveled along just exceeding the speed limit.
• There was something that kept protruding in and out of the driver’s side window of the fast approaching car.
• As the car darted past me I saw that that something was a small very excited white dog.
• I thought to myself that an excited animal bouncing around on one’s lap could be a real distraction to safe driving but it was not as distracting as it could have been because the lady driving the rocker mobile was holding a cell phone to her right ear and the all-important conversation she was engaged in was certainly keeping her mind off of her cute little dog’s bounding about.
• Later I caught up and passed the Talking Dog Lady because she had been stopped by a red light.
• After the red light she sped past me again but I gained on her a short distance later as she slowed to make a right turn.
• That’s when I saw how advanced this lady’s driving skills really were.
• The dog was even more excited because it could smell home approaching and was bounding on her lap and out the window at a more frenetic pace while the Mrs. Evil Kenevil had contorted her head down a sharp angle to hold that little cell phone between her ear and her right shoulder while she turned the wheel to make her turn.

This was a talented woman! I sure hope she was going through all of this pretzeling so that she could continue her conversation about solving the Mid-Eastern Situation with the Foot Long Sub Sandwich Eating Lady from my earlier blog posting (click below)…

“Obsessed … Or Am I?” http://forii.blogspot.com/2011/04/obsessed-or-am-i.html

Would I kid u?

Obsessed ... Or Am I?

I admit that I am constantly looking at those around me that who are constantly talking on their cell phones. Is it necessary to always be in communication with someone about something? Is it even healthy?

Whatever happened to time spent sitting around contemplating about things? Einstein used to spend a lot of time thinking. He spent years working complex problems in his thinking head. Where would we be if every time he started to make progress, his cell phone would have played the cute little tune he had selected from...

10,000Cuteand/orTerriblyAnnoyingRingTones.com

Most of all I think driving and talking on one’s cell phone is downright dangerous. I can’t help it but it really gets to me. If I was to go on a campaign to stop this unsafe driving practice, I would certainly be vilified, verbally attacked, rotten vegetables would be thrown in my direction or worse.

I feel certain that in one of my many appearances to defend myself in court about one of the many law suits that would certainly be filed against me I would hear a prosecuting attorney uttering words like this...

“Your honor, the Founding Fathers of this great country of ours wanted us all to talk on our cell phones. If it were not so, they would not have bothered putting Freedom of Speech in our Constitution.”

I’ve written about talking and driving on the phone before but I was pushed over the edge again by a sight I witnessed yesterday at a stop light...

• I was just sitting at the red light trying my best to solve the Mid-Eastern Situation when I took note of a car to my right in the cross street to my own street.
• It had come to a rather abrupt stop as the light had changed.
• Sure enough the lady was holding a cell phone in her right hand to her right ear and also was trying to solve the Mid-Eastern Situation.
• This, of course, had me muttering to myself as I started going through my green light.
• About the time I got even with the cell phone using lady, she lifted her left hand to take a bite out of the foot long sub sandwich she was holding in her left hand.

What dexterity this woman possessed! I feel certain that, if the late great Ed Sullivan were still on television, this lady would be one of his acts right along with the Jugglers, the Trampoline Jumping Artists and the Plate Spinners on Long Sticks Guys. I am certain she would have been a hit.

Our Founding Fathers would be very proud of her.

Would I kid u?

Before You Panic ... Ask Me

Modern America is driven by information coming at us from all directions. Sometimes we are dozing in front of the television and pay no attention (if we are lucky). Other times we are awake and get excited. Sometimes there is need to get excited but many times we should pay no attention.

A good example is the Swine Flu Pandemic if 2009/10. Right there you see a prime example of the, “We Have Got to Get Their Attention 24/7 News Cycle”. It could have been called the Swine Flu Outbreak but they (“they” is the same as “them”) wanted this one to be a Pandemic.

I have done my research on this bit of Foolishness...Or Is It? and I know you appreciate my efforts on your behalf...

This is a quote from an story dated September 1, 2009...

“A White House report from an expert panel suggests that from 30 percent to half the population could catch swine flu during the course of this pandemic and that from 30,000 to 90,000 could die.”

Allow me to show the results of my analysis of the above attention grabbing statistics filled quote about how many of us could have caught the Swine Flu...

• 30% of the U.S. population would mean that 93,000,000 of us could have caught the Swine Flu.
• 50% of the U.S. population would mean that 156,000,000 of us could have caught the Swine Flu.
• Using information I have gathered from the Internet I have found that there were actually 113,690 cases of Swine Flu reported in the U.S. and to get to that number Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands were included.

Allow me to also show the results of my analysis of the above attention grabbing statistics about deaths...

• The number predicted that could die of the Swine Flu was 30,000 to 90,000.
• That actual number, again including Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands, that did die was 3,433.

We have often heard it said, “That’s good enough for government work”. I’m sure glad that the government does not work in the world of sports. If it did we might hear something said like, “Babe Ruth hit 3,712 home runs in 1927” (for those of you who don’t know sports, the actual number was 60).

Next time we have a pandemic on the way, contact me and I will tell you what to do to protect yourself. I could have saved us all a lot of consternation if only I had been asked. The picture below is what I would have advised about

How to Prevent Swine Flu...

Would I kid u?

Education ... Or is it?

In the world of modern education there is some good news and some bad news out there. 

Cursive Writing

Bad News: This form of writing has fallen into disuse. For some reason Americans have started printing. My local newspaper told me recently that a decision was pending about whether or not the teaching of Cursive Writing is going to be completely discontinued in the State of Georgia.

Don’t tell the “educators” making this decision but I think many of our schools have already taken this “progressive” step and have stopped teaching this antiquated subject. They probably replaced it with Multi-Cultural Dancing or Social Networking.

Since we are talking about jobs so much during our current dire economic situation, think about all the jobs that are being lost as cursive writing goes down the tubes due to the fact that Handwriting Experts are being given their pink slips every day.

Spelling

The next set of instruction that will be discontinued will be Spelling. It will be replaced by an attitude that says, Come as Close as You Can and Let Them Figure It Out.

Punctuation

Already gone is Punctuation. In the catalog where it used to be listed as a subject is a notation that says, “Punctuation was once considered a requirement but has fallen into disuse in recent years and is now seen for what it really is ... A waste of time and ink”.

Touch Typing

Touch Typing also used to be very important but it is now history. My two sons were steered towards Touch Typing classes by my wife. They probably took some guff from other boys for taking “a girl’s class” but they actually benefited from their mother’s foresight.

Good News: I have also read where there is a strong movement to put Touch Typing classes back into our teaching curriculum.

Bad News: The modern student is going to be taught to Touch Type using only his thumbs.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Congress Can Stop Spending All That Money If They Only Would Listen To Me

They are going at it hot and heavy up in our beloved congress about how to stop spending all the money we don’t have. The negotiations have progressed to this point...

“We all agree that we have to stop spending all this money we don’t have.”

1. This is progress because congress has now come to an understanding about what the problem truly is.

2. The next step is to agree on what spending needs to be cut.

3. The bad news is #2 above will never happen.

As usual I do not just present problems without proposing solutions. The solution is so simple you are going to kick yourself for not thinking of it without my help...

The cuts need to come from all other congressional districts other than your congressman’s congressional district.

I told you it was a simple solution.

Would I kid u?

How To Get Rid Of Your Wife

Want to have your wife go away for awhile? These calculations are brought to you by me and my calculator.

This bit of reasoning is a re-occurring theme with me but I’m going to have a go at it again because it appears no one is paying any attention to me (especially the U.S. Congress).

The recent and ongoing Budget Battle keeps throwing around Millions and Billions and Trillions. It could very likely be that our congress is getting so used to the terms that our congress appears to have lost sight of the true meaning of the words…

Our 2011 Federal Budget is only 3.55. How big can 3.55 be? Even if you tack on Trillion to the 3.55, it is still only 3.55 and 3.55 is not even 4.

Think of it this way: If you were to give your wife the three different sums of money below with the following instructions the result would be the result…

Go out shopping and spend $1,000 each day and don’t come home until you have spent all the money I have given you.

• If you gave her $1 Million, you would not see your wife again for 2.7 years.
• If you gave her $1 Billion, you would not see your wife again for 2,740 years.
• If you gave her $1 Trillion, you would not see your wife again for 2,739,726 years.

I am sure that many members of our congress would look at my Foolish Calculations above and have their staff issue a statement that would go something like this…

I do find this interesting but I see it as an attempt to confuse the folk back home about something or other. 2,739,726 is actually 2.7 million. I’m smarter than a 5th grader (or you would not have elected me…or would you have?) and any 5th grader knows that 2.7 is not even 3 and 3 ain’t that much.

Numbers are really strange and fascinating. Do you realize that the above Foolish Calculations will also work if a wife wanted to make her husband go away for awhile?

Would I kid u?

There’s The Tree In The Forest Dilemma & There’s The Other One

We all know the age old dilemma that goes…

If A Tree Falls In The Forest When No One Is Around, Does It Make A Noise?

I am pecking this Foolishness…Or Is It? directed at the new age dilemma…

If A News Camera Is Turned On In The Middle/Far East, Was The Demonstration That It Records Already There Or Does It Immediately Come Into Existence Because The Camera Was Turned On?

This requires us to also consider…

• On our news programs we always see signs that are printed in English. Are the demonstrations so organized and sophisticated that the sign holders stop and re-sign themselves all the time so that in the Netherlands the signs printed in Dutch, in Russia they are printed in Russian, in Brazil they are printed in Portuguese, etc.?
• If the above bullet is correct, the Sign Making Industry must be really big over there. In addition to Big Oil they must also have Big Sign.
• Have you noticed that the demonstrators are always wide-eyed? Is this a requirement? Is there a sign in the waiting rooms where they go to sign up to begin their careers as demonstrators that reads...

Non Wide Eyed Persons Need Not Apply

• Are the demonstrators driven by a power larger than themselves? In other words, if the camera was never turned off, would they be unable to stop demonstrating and eventually die before our very eyes clutching their current sign?

All of these considerations are very confusing but there is one thing I know for certain...

The person who invented the term “Yankee Go Home” is in the Demonstration Hall of Fame and has had statues erected in his honor all over the Middle/Far East.

Would I kid u?

How Long Is A 60 Minute News Show?

I for one am very tired of the 24/7 News Cycle. I am, however, not one to say that’s the way is has to be. I am a Fighter but most of all I am a Thinking Fighter and I have come up with a fool proof way to address this awful situation.

I am, here and now, proposing the way to cut any current 60 Minute News show down to 30 minutes! It is so simple that you, my dear readers, are going to kick your collective selves for not thinking of it ahead of me.

On All Of These 60 Minute News Shows Prohibit The Talking News Head From Quoting The Results Of Any News Poll Of The American People

That is it. That would save easily 30 minutes an hour.

I am not so shallow as to just lay those saved 30 minutes on the trash bin of history. I am concurrently proposing that the time gained be filled in by showing reruns of any of the following…

• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Ozzie & Harriet Show
• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Lone Ranger
• Amos ‘n Andy

If you have never had the pleasure of watching any of the above shows, I feel sorry for you.

I take that back. I don’t feel sorry for you because you have a lot of viewing pleasure lying in front of you.

If, after watching any of them, you say you don’t like what you have watched, I will then feel sorry for you for sure.

Would I kid u?

In Honor Of Our Income Tax System

I ought to do this every year to raise your awareness to the awful and confusing burden put upon us by our bloated Income Tax System. Below you will find an exact reproduction of instructions I copied from Turbo Tax yesterday as it tried to explain my taxes to me as a part of my annual pilgrimage to April 15^th.

This is only a small bit of our Tax Understanding Problem. According to a site called U. S Tax Code On-Line which can be seen at…http://www.fourmilab.ch/uscode/26usc/, there are a lot of other instructions we must contend with every year…
“The complete Internal Revenue Code is more than 24 megabytes in length, and contains more than 3.4 million words; printed 60 lines to the page, it would fill more than 7500 letter-size pages.”

I am not trying to be cute. I did not change a word of the instructions below. I would explain it to you, dear reader, if I knew what the heck the IRS was trying to tell us.

“Material Participation
You materially participate in your business if you are actively involved in the operation of your business.
You materially participated if you pass any of the following tests:

• You participate in the activity for more than 500 hours during the year.
• You are the only person who substantially participates in the activity , including nonowners.
• You participate in the activity more than 100 hours during the year and no one else participates more than you do, including nonowners.
• You participate more than 100 hours in this and other activities, and the total for all the activities is more than 500 hours.

Also:

• If you materially participate in a personal service activity for at least three years you are a material participant for life. Personal services include child care, consultant, real estate agent, etc
• You participated in the activity on a regular, continuous, and substantial basis for more than 100 hours during the year.
• If married, you can include your spouse's participation toward the 500- and 100-hour tests.

Requirements:
The work you performed must have been:

• Done at the time you owned an interest in the activity, and must have been the type that an owner customarily does.

Exceptions:

• Any hours managing the activity do not count toward material participation if:
• Anyone other than you received compensation for managing the activity, or
• Anyone spent more hours than you performing services in managing the activity during the year.”

This all started in 1913 when average income was around $15,000 and the original 1040 form (click link below) shows that the Income Tax Rate was 0% up to $20,000 and 1% between $20,000 and not exceeding $50,000...
http://www.ourdocuments.gov/document_data/document_images/doc_057b_big.jpg

This is the part of a Foolishness...Or Is It? where I would normally peck out something cute but I can’t do that today because there are tears in my eyes. (Or did I just peck out something cute? I can’t tell because there are tears in my eyes).

Would I kid u?