Monday, July 31, 2017

Who Let The Dogs Out?

No One Told Me!


All of a sudden I am seeing dogs in places where dogs used to be not allowed. How do all these owners get the word all at the same time that Fido is now allowed to enter where Fidos used to fear to tread?


In the last few weeks I have seen dogs in the following Never Before Places...

Ø 2 in Walmart on the same day.

Ø Inside a Hyatt Regency.

Ø Jogging around and around my High School Track with his Master in tow (Yea, I know we are not supposed to say “Master”).

Ø In a Starbucks where the dog’s owner thought it was funny when the dog stood up on its hind legs and licked the counter where they placed your purchased finish product (Yea, I know I’m not supposed to say “Owner”).

Ø 2 in Lowes on the same day.

Ø On a Tour Bus.

Ø A whole bunch in the Ritz Carlton (I’ve already blogged about them).

None of them had Service Jackets on.


Maybe, since I don’t have a dog, I was not sent the memo.


Yea, I know…Dogs are people too.


Would I kid u?



Sunday, July 30, 2017

Jimmy Olson To Perry White, “Which Headline Should I use?” Perry White To Jimmy Olson, “I’ve Told You A Thousand Times What Headline Configuration You Should Always Use! What’sTheMatterWithYou?”

Jimmy Olsen may be slow but you, my dear reader, are not…Or are you?


I’ll let you decide between the two headlines below. I have no doubt you will pick the one that CNN used…Or do I have doubt?


Headline #1:

MS-13 members: Trump makes the gang stronger.

Headline #2:

Nassau Police Official: We never ever ask immigration status of any victim or witness.


Can you guess which one CNN used? It’s Number 1, of course. Let’s let Perry White make it clear to you as he educates hapless Jimmy Olsen…

“Jimmy, we always want to lead with the dire outlook. The public needs to be kept on edge. We need them to worry. It’s good for the sale of our newspapers.”

MS-13 is awful. The major thrust of the article that started me on this tirade appears to be that the awful people in this gang are killing innocent people in very violent ways and are growing more powerful all the time.


Strangely enough, the article proposes that we should do nothing about them because doing something about them will make them stronger.


The thinking appears to be that, if we ignore them, they will continue to get more powerful and awful but they will get more powerful and awful at a slower pace.


You can read all about it or you can listen to the video. Whichever one you choose, you will see or hear this quote:

“I can say without any doubt ... we never, never ask any (immigration) status and we don't care, on victims and witnesses," said Detective Sgt. Michael Morino of Nassau County Police's gang investigation squad.”


Why is this not the Headline of this article? Why are we not telling Illegal Immigrants in the Headline (that’s all that many people read) that they should have no fear of deportation if they cooperate with the police?


Instead, we are told that everything is spiraling out of control and any attempt to do anything about it is hopeless because Witnesses and Victims are afraid to help the police protect them. It even implies they should be afraid of the police.


Since you may be thinking that I am kidding you, click on this link to the article and read all about it:


Would I kid u?


Lagniappe: Starting at about 2:24 of the video there is shown a Crime Poster showing the faces of 18 MS-13 Members. This is good because they are letting the public know that it should be wary of these individuals who may harm them. Don’t get too excited about this “warning poster” because the faces of 18 MS-13 Members on the poster are smudged out so we can’t identify them. If you think I made this up, check the video out for yourself or just look at photo below.

MS-13 Smudges

Thursday, July 27, 2017

One Banana Two Banana Three Banana Four

When I was a kid, I thought, if I ate those stringy things that hung on a banana after I peeled it, I Would Die.


Now my wife, who is always trying to find ways for me to live longer, has found out that the Banana Peel Itself Is Edible.


Not only won’t it kill you, it is actually good for you.


Next thing we know we will be told that, if we don’t eat the Banana Peels, We Will Experience A Premature Death and the next next thing we know they will be telling us that Eating Banana Peels just might be the secret to everlasting life.


While Banana Peels may make you live forever, there is no research that shows it has any effect on Old-Age Human Body Shrinkage. In the future we will forever be sitting around getting smaller and smaller while eating banana peels and looking more and more like raisins every day.


My mind’s eye (whatever that is) just pictured what I just described in the last paragraph. My advice to each of you is to start eating a whole lot of Unhealthy Foods and hopefully a nice quick heart attack will save you from becoming an Everlasting Raisin Person!


When you choose your Unhealthy Suicide Foods, don’t select bacon because bacon, which for 50 years has been officially one of the worst foods you could eat, has now been declared one of the healthiest foods you can eat…


Would I kid u?


Lagniappe: Think about all the people who died from eating bacon for the last 50 years. They are probably really mad because they were actually healthy when they died.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It Is Looking Like The Appreciate Sign Has Come Up Lacking

On May 17, 2015 I wrote a blog entitled, “Why Do I Need To Be Polite? I'm Too Busy Taking Your Money!” I poked fun at the rudeness of some Gas Station Attendants but it just might be that I have hit on a very non-foolish point. Could it be that a return to politeness and courtesy is in order?

First the Blog Posting…

Why Do I Need To Be Polite? I'm Too Busy Taking Your Money!

Have you noticed how impolite/uncaring the Money Takers in Gas Stations are? You probably not. You are so used to me noticing things for you that you have become lazy and just depend on me to do your noticing for you.

I don't hold that against you. I'm glad I can help.

However, I have figured out why they are so impolite. It's those signs outside their stores that say…

"We Appreciate Your Business!"

It's a dual purpose sign. It makes you feel appreciated before you enter and it makes it unnecessary for the Money Taker to have to appreciate you. After all, it would be redundant for them to appreciate you after the sign has already appreciated you.

If you have not noticed this sign, look for it at your next opportunity. It is a big sign. It is almost as big as the EBT Sign.

Would I kid u?



July 19, 2017…

The picture below is photographic evidence that, “How y’all doing today?” and “Y’all come back now!” might again be the thing to do.


The small red lettering on the store is the “We Appreciate Your Business” sign.

I’m sitting here wondering how “y’all” sounds when spoken with a Middle Eastern Accent.

Friday, July 14, 2017

You Had Better Watch Out Because Your Social Security Administration Is Watching Out For You

In order to fill you with confidence, I will Bullet Point below the “Efficiency” of your Social Security Administration (SSA)…Or will I?

(My comments will be Yellow Highlighted)


This all started when I made a Simple Request to the SSA to change the Direct Deposit of my Social Security Pension from one bank account to another bank account in the same bank.


Did I heard you just say to your collective selves, “That sounds simple”. That’s what you might think but the word “simple” is nowhere to be found in the SSA Operational Manual…


I made my request to the SSA on April 28, 2017.

Ø On July 7th I received a letter dated July 5th that informed me that my SSA has sprung into action.

Ø The letter also falsely stated that I made my request on June 27th.
>In a future audit the SSA will be given a Gold Star because their Springing Into Action Letter was written a mere 8 days after the minion (me) submitted my request.
>The truth is their
Springing Into Action Letter
was written a whopping 68 days after little ole minion (me) submitted my request.

Ø The Springing Into Action Letter then goes on to say I will receive the first deposit into my new bank account on August 28th.
>In a future audit the SSA will be given another Gold Star because I received my deposit to my new account a mere 54 days after the Springing Into Action Letter.
>The truth is I will get my first deposit a whopping 122 days after I made my Simple Request to the SSA.


It is at this point that the Springing Into Action Letter goes from Deceptive to Downright Bizarre…

Ø I am told of the many courses of action that are available to me If I Disagree with the Decision the SSA has made.
>Why would I disagree with the SSA agreeing to do what I asked it to do?

Ø They tell me they will review my case and look at any new facts that I have presented to them.
>I only have old facts. I just want them to put my money into my new account.

Ø They tell me my case will be reviewed by someone other than the person who originally decided my case.
>I have no problem with the old person (just might have been a bit slow). I just want them to put my money into my new account.

Ø They pledge to review the parts of the original decision that I think are wrong and correct any mistakes.
>I don’t object to the original decision to put money into my new account and there were no mistakes that I can recall (other than they might have been a bit slow in getting it done).

Ø Strangely, they also pledge to review those parts of their decision that I think were correct.

Ø They said they will make a decision that may or may not be in my favor.
>Does this mean they may decide not to put my money into my new and different account and I will be then required to open a different new and different account from the new and different account that I had previously decided upon?

Ø I will then have 60 days to appeal the decision they have made in regard to my request and the 60 days will start 5 days after they mailed this letter to me unless I can prove that I did not get their letter within 5 days of their letter having been mailed.
>Believe me, if they I just put my money into my new account, they are not going to hear a peep out of me. I am too confused to peep.

Ø They then tell me I had better have a good reason if I want to wait longer than 60 days to appeal.
>Does that sound like a threat to you?

Ø They finish up with a flurry of administrative minutiae…
>I can file an appeal with any SSA Office.
>The appeal must be in writing.
>The appeal must use their form “Request for Reconsideration” (SSA-561).
>I can find form SSA-561 online at
> I can also get a form SSA-561 by calling and asking for one to be sent to me, making my request in writing by mail or coming into any office in the Good Ole USofA and asking for one.
>If I need help in filling out form SSA-561, I can be helped either in person in one of their offices or on the phone.


Several years ago I had a minor problem (at least I thought it was minor) with the SSA which ended up taking weeks to resolve. During these weeks I several times had to make phone calls to the SSA and wait on hold listening to the worst music the SSA could possibly find to inflict on me. Usually the waits were over an hour.


The issue got resolved quickly after I told them I had contacted my Congressman.


The “Contacting My Congressman” part was almost a lie because a minion at my congressman’s Office had already stiff-armed me and I had just about given up all hope for resolution to my Minor Problem


This time I’m just going to sit quietly and keep my fingers crossed.


My Mother would have made a Novena. Maybe that’s what I ought to do. Probably not, I bet Novenas are prohibited in some obscure SSA Regulation in a Sub-Section entitled, Unauthorized Interference with Governmental Confusion.


Would I kid u?


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

OK We All Know Our News Reporting Services Can’t Get The Facts Within Their Stories Right But You Would At Least Think They Could Get Their Headlines Right

I saw a Headline on the front page of my Newspaper a few days ago that read, “Crisis Deepens in Venezuela After Maduro Backers Storm Congress”.

Below the Headline was a Picture of three members of Venezuela’s National Assembly. Two of them are bleeding from their heads and had their own blood all over their clothes as a result of the Maduro Backers having stormed the Congress with guns, pipes and sticks.


Maduro is trying desperately to stop an election that will likely show the voters want him gone. Whether he goes gone after the vote is taken is another problem.

Are you laughing at our media’s incompetence along with me? Pretty funny, is it not?

What’s that you just said? You said you don’t see anything that is so inaccurate or is so funny? I can’t believe you sometimes. I would think you are not too smart, if it were not for the fact that you read my Foolishness…Or Is It? Blog Postings. The fact that you read my silliness shows that you are smart but, come on, you have to be more aware of what is going on around you than this!

We all are familiar with Venezuela’s ongoing disaster…Or are we?

Venezuela is, for all practical purposes, is a Failed State...

Ø Venezuela has 298.4 Billion Barrels of Oil Reserves. That’s more than any other country on earth. That’s 30.1 Billion Barrels more than second place Saudi Arabia.

Ø Venezuela used to be one of the more prosperous countries in South America.

Ø Venezuela’s Inflation is out of sight.

Ø The absolute basics of life are not available at all or are in extremely short supply.

Ø Venezuelans are running across neighboring country’s borders to get darn near anything and everything…Toothpaste, Toilet Paper, Food, etc.

Ø They are also fleeing into neighboring countries at a very high rate.

Ø Their Democracy is in a shambles having been replaced by a “Democratic” Dictatorship.

Ø In the past three months, almost 100 demonstrators have been killed.

OK, I’ll give you one more shot at what’s wrong with the Headline above. I’ll wait…………………………….

You still don’t see what’s wrong, or said more pointedly, what ought to be absolutely impossible?

It’s the two words, “Maduro Backers”. That can’t possibly be right! How could there be people that still back Maruro in a country that has been an ongoing disaster for so many years now?

There can’t possibly be any Supporters of Maduro left in the Entire Country…Or can there be?

Would I kid you?


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I Have Uncovered A Government Operation That Has Confused Us For Years As We Drove Down The Interstate Highway System

We just got back from an 1,634 mile trip to and from the Dallas Area. There was hardly any turns in the road from here to there. It was boring. You know what happens when I get bored. My Foolish Mind starts to wander and, when that happens, I Notice Things.


Somewhere between here and there I uncovered a Vast Government Conspiracy to Slow Us Down, to Save Our Governmental Rulers a Lot of Money (so they can waste it elsewhere) and to Make New Money Off Of Us, all at the same time.


Read on to become educated and get ready to waste a lot of time writing your congressman full of righteous indignation (Google “Waste Your Time” and one of the examples given is, “Writing Your Congressman”).


Years ago I wrote one of my best Blog Postings about the little man who invented the Orange & White Roadside Construction Barrel…


Many times I have wondered about what must be a major problem and expense for our Governmental Rulers to store the billions of Construction Barrels they own when they are not in use. I had assumed they bought or rented warehouses all over the Good Ole USofA for storage. It must be a giant headache, a whopper of a logistical problem and a tremendous expenditure of taxpayer funds!


I now know that storage is not a headache nor a problem nor any expense at all because they don’t store them at all.


Read on you will be amazed at this fine example of Governmental Efficiency you will ever see that our rulers actually end up making money…

Ø The barrels are stored alongside our Interstate Highway System.
clip_image002 clip_image002[1] clip_image002[2] 

Ø This is why you are constantly coming across warning signs that say something like this, “Highway Construction Next 15 Miles. Fines Doubled When Workers Present”.

Ø Then, as you drive along (maybe at a lower speed) you do not see any workers but you do see Construction Barrels every 10 feet on both sides of the road.

Ø Sometimes, off to the side of the road, you will see a worker digging in a hole with 4 to 5 other workers holding up shovels watching the digging worker dig.
clip_image004 clip_image006 clip_image007 

Ø Periodically you also see fellow travelers off to the side of the road being given tickets.


That’s the What You See and here is the Why You See It

Ø The barrels are there to save storage money.

Ø Instead of buying or renting warehouses, our rulers store them on the side of our highways all over the Fruited Plain.

Ø Then when the State sees the need for increased revenue, they used to send out diggers, digger watchers and the Highway Patrol Cars to give out tickets.

Ø In order to save even more money, they eventually bought the Diggers and Digger Watchers mechanical figures from Disneyland.

Ø In recent years even more money is being saved because they only buy the diggers from Disneyland and they have started buying shovels from China that can stand up all by themselves.


And now you know… The Rest of the Story.


Would I kid u?


Thursday, July 06, 2017

New Bell At Mass

As we are going into Mass each week, I have started hearing a new bell ring. Being sly, cunning and alert I have figured it out.


It’s all a part of the changing times we all enjoy in the Good Ole USofA…Or do we? No matter what your religion, if you go to church, you will very likely hear this new bell in the near future. It’s a Sign Sound of the Times.


Here is what it’s all about…

Ø It is a single bell chime.

Ø It happens 5 minutes before mass starts.

Ø Right after the bell tolls, you will hear car doors open and close all over the parking lot and you will see the car’s occupants start walking towards the church.


Have you figured it out yet?


It’s a notification to all of the parishioners who have been sitting in their cars Texting, Tweeting (Twits), Emailing (my children tell me that my grandchildren think emailing is old fashioned) and/or doing some other kind of Social Networking up until the very last minute before they head into Church to try and save their souls.


I wonder if, when they are asking forgiveness for their sins at the beginning of mass, they include Texting, Tweeting, Emailing and/or doing some other kind of Social Networking up until the very last minute.


If it’s not a sin, it ought to be.


Would I kid u?


Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Pet Peeves

I Ought To Send This Every July4th

One of my pet peeves is I hate change for the sake of simplification or cute...Especially Cute.

Here are several examples of such nonsense...

Ø Christmas changed to Xmas.

Ø Thanksgiving Day changed to Turkey Day.

Ø Good Friday changed to Spring Holiday.

Right up there with the worst of them is...

The Fourth of July Independence Holiday Changed to Weenie Day

If our Founding Fathers were alive, they would turn over in their graves.

Would I kid u?


Saturday, July 01, 2017

Europeans Have Been Trying To Kill Each Other For Thousands Of Years. They Must Certainly Know What They Are Doing By Now…Or Do They?

It has come to light recently that Members of NATO have not been living up to their Signed Commitment to Provide for their Common Defense.


To expand on the above nifty opening, they have not been Providing for their Common Defense for many years.


As a result of this lack of spending, there are now Significant Material Shortages that have become evident in their Military Preparedness.


Soldiers in Germany’s Light Infantry Battalion 413 near the Baltic Sea coast complained last year that they didn’t have enough sniper rifles, antitank weapons or the right kind of vehicles.


During exercises, they told a Parliamentary Ombudsman, their unit didn’t have the munitions to simulate battle.


The Ombudsman told them to Imagine The Bangs.


There you go thinking I made Imagine The Bangs up. My Dear Readers, you are wrong again. If you are a subscriber to the Wall Street Journal, you can click this link and see that I am not kidding you…

Don't worry. We'll whip everything into shape after the shooting starts.


If you are not a subscriber, you will just have to trust me…Or will you just?


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: It has been reported that only 5 NATO Countries have been living up to their Defense Spending Commitment. One of the five is Greece. When you consider all the Financial Problems Greece has had in recent years, this shows that the Greeks, as in ancient history, are still Honorable and Intelligent People … Click Here: "Opa!"