Friday, June 30, 2017

There Ought To Be A Law Against Stupid (Have I used this title before?)

Picture This…

Ø Girlfriend shoots Boyfriend in the chest.

Ø Boyfriend is dead.


Picture This…

Ø Girlfriend and Boyfriend want to make a YouTube Video.

Ø Their video will show Boyfriend holding a book in front of his chest and Girlfriend shooting at and hitting the book but not hurting the Boyfriend because the book stopped the bullet and then they can go out for Burgers and Fries.

Ø Girlfriend shoots and hits the book Boyfriend is holding in front of his chest but the book does not stop the bullet.

Ø Boyfriend is dead.

Ø Girlfriend is shocked and is not sure what she will tell her 2 children nor her next child because she is 7 months pregnant.


Enter the Lawyer…

Your Honor, this is clearly a case of Book Publisher Negligence because any Book Publisher who had the least bit of concern for its Buying Public would certainly have provided a Disclaimer in a prominent place (like the book cover) and in an attention getting color pattern (I would have recommended Day-Glow Orange) that would have warned the unsuspecting buying public that this book would not stop a bullet. (Yes, I know the prior sentence is too long but lawyers are known to do that.)


Enter the Judge…

Counselor, you have made a valid point. I am going to award this Formerly Pregnant Stupid Girlfriend Widow and her Offspring a whole bunch of money. We will reconvene at 9AM Monday when I will announce how much money it will be. This is going to take a while and I’m going to need my calculator for this one.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: No, I did not make this Foolishness up. Click here and read all about it: Stupid is as Stupid just did.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Are Shadows Dangerous?

Once upon a time we believed that Shadows Could Not Hurt Us. Certainly we still believe this…Or do we?


On June 27, 2017 what happened at the Redstone Arsenal in Alabama brings the “…Or do we?” above into sharp focus. Here are some bullet points about what happened or did not happen at the Arsenal…

Ø Parts of the Arsenal were on lockdown for about 3 hours.

Ø Investigators tried to investigate reports that a shooter was on the second floor of Building 5301—The Aviation and Missile Command Building. (“Investigators tried to investigate”, sounds like something the Smartfella would come up with in one of his sillier moments.)

Ø The Post’s Twitter Account said, “Installation is locked down. Run hide fight.” (“Twitter Account Said”, sounds like it is a thinking autonomous being behind a big curtain promulgating warnings and instructions to those not allowed behind the big curtain.)

Ø At some point there was also a lockdown for the rest of the post and the neighboring Marshall Space Flight Center. (The Fella is glad they stopped at the neighboring Marshall Space Flight Center because I live in a neighboring state and I had things to do yesterday.)

Ø In the afternoon authorities were quoted as saying they were, “Still working on confirming the situation”.

Ø  A post spokesman said he still didn't know what, if anything had happened at Building 5301 and he had no information about any casualties or anyone put into custody (Not a lot of information coming out of this guy. Kind of makes you wonder why he bothered to make a statement at all.).

Ø An ambulance service was sent to the facility.

Ø Looks like people were running everywhere. The FBI said its agents headed to the scene and base security personnel were working with the FBI and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. (I don’t mean to be picky but does it not seem that this Bureau is getting out of control regarding its responsibilities? Was it not once simply the Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco? Did it not move on to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms? Now it’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. What’s next? Is it about to become the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives and Jaywalking?)

Ø The Governor’s office is being updated about the situation and she said, "I will continue to closely monitor and pray for a peaceful and quick resolution”.

Since we are at the Bottom Line of this Posting I will now give you the Bottom Line…

There was no shooter.

If I were Sly, Cunning and Alert I would title this Foolishness, “Are Shadows Dangerous?” Did you just say that I did title it “Are Shadows Dangerous?” I must be Sly, Cunning and Alert.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Above I slipped in a bullet which said, “An ambulance service was sent to the facility”. Did you just ask why was the ambulance service dispatched if there was no shooter and no shots? The answer, my Dear Readers, is simple. The ambulance really would not have been necessary except for the heat problems and minor injuries caused by the lockdown … Which was not necessary.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Don’t Blame Me. I Tried To Give You A Lot Of Money But You Lollygagged And Your Opportunity Has Now Passed You By.

In June of last year I offered any single one of my Dear Readers the opportunity to be given a nickel every time that lucky person heard in the news or saw written in any news publication the word, “Comey”.


To become eligible to be buried in nickels all any one of you had to do was be the first to take me up on my offer.


Not one of you had the foresight to take advantage of this financial windfall. A lot of money was right there for the taking. As of this moment, it is too late. I am withdrawing my foolish offer.


I have dogged a bullet for sure. Little did I realize that, had one of you taken me up on this offer, that person would today have all my money.


I bet you are kicking your collective selves. If I were you, I sure would be.


Would I kid u?


Monday, June 19, 2017

Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Destined To Repeat History

I just opened your mail by accident and found out that you are going to blow up a whole bunch of people but I’m not going to tell anyone that you are going to blow up a bunch of people.


Hey, you, in the paragraph above. Are you nuts? Why not tell?


To get some kind of answer to why not tell, we have to go back in U.S. History a bit...


The Black Chamber was the United States' first peacetime Cryptanalytic Organization, and a forerunner of the National Security Agency. It was funded jointly by the State Department and the U.S. Army.


In 1929, the State Department withdrew its share of the funding, the Army declined to bear the entire load, and the Black Chamber closed down.


The new Secretary of State Henry L. Stimson made the decision to stop the State Department’s funding and years later in his memoirs he made the oft-quoted comment: "Gentlemen do not read each other's mail”.


Maybe, if the Black Chamber had still been in operation in 1941, we would have been warned about the coming attack on Pearl Harbor.


Then someone could have said to Secretary Stimson: “Do Gentlemen Bomb Other Gentlemen on Sunday Mornings?”


Let us all hope that, in this Politically Correct time we live in, reading other’s mail is not considered Politically Incorrect because The Bomb is very popular at this time in U.S. and World History.


Would I kid u?


Monday, June 12, 2017

I Wonder Why We Are Inspired By A Wonderful Fictional Woman Wonder Woman But We Ignore The Actual Deeds Of Actual Wonderful People

If I asked, have you ever heard of Benjamin Rush (No, he was not a relative of Rush Limbaugh), 99% of you would say one of the following to the electronic device of your choice in front of you, “Huh?” or “Who?”


If I asked, have you ever heard of Wonder Woman? 99.999% of you would say, “Absolutely! She is Wonderful!”


Is your Mind’s Eye available? If so, use your Mind’s Eye to picture this picture...

Ø One day Dr. Jonas Sulk was struck with the thought that he could invent a serum that would prevent Polio.

Ø Almost immediately he was again struck with the thought that such an undertaking was going to be a lot of hard work.

Ø He then thought of a better and absolutely easier way to become famous.

Ø He says to himself, “Self, my cousin is a pretty good writer. I will get him to write a pretty good article about how I invented a cure for Polio. Once my cousin’s writing has made me famous, I will not have to bother to find a cure for Polio. Why should I go to all the time and effort to actually invent the cure, when I can become just as famous for inventing the cure without actually having to invent the cure?”


Have I confused you enough? Are you to the point where you are saying to yourself, “Huh?”


It’s Wonder Woman. Her movies has been released and the Silliness of modern Good Ole USofA is in full swing. My newspaper has an article that says all of the following (My comments will be inserted in parentheses)...

Ø She is a “hero” for everybody (No she’s not. She’s a fictional character.)

Ø She has inspired all sorts of people the way all sorts heroes have inspired (No she didn’t. She’s a fictional character.)

Ø She embodies love, justice, kindness and independent thinking. (No, she does not. She’s a fictional character.)

Ø Since the beginning of time we’ve told stories through universal characters. Recently we’ve, for some reason, only chosen men to be those universal characters. (Huh?)

Ø Wonder Woman is for everybody. (No she’s not. She’s a fictional character.)

Ø She doesn’t want to bring any darkness to the world. (No she doesn’t not. She’s a fictional character.)


It’s my turn to wonder and I’m wondering why Hollywood did not make a movie about Dr. Benjamin Rush. He was pretty wonderful in his own right...

Ø He was a Founding Father.

Ø He signed the Declaration of Independence.

Ø He was a physician with Washington’s Army.

Ø He established America’s first dispensary.

Ø He heroically battled epidemics.

Ø He helped the poor.

Ø He fought slavery.

Ø He wrote the nation’s first chemistry textbook.

Ø His collected writings fill 45 volumes.

Ø He taught thousands of medical students that insanity was an illness, not a curse.

Ø He taught that dreams might be a pathway to the deeper workings of the mind.

Ø He has been called the father of American Psychiatry.

Ø On hearing of Rush’s death in 1813, John Adams wrote Thomas Jefferson: “I know of no character living or dead who has done more real good in America.”


Well I must concede that you put me in my place with that thought you just thought when you thought... “How could he be a Hero he did not wear a cape!”


That thought of yours has left me speechless.


Would I kid u?


Sunday, June 11, 2017

Stop It At The Source

I just read in my newspaper that, if we build a new Export Terminal in Washington State to ship coal to China, we will be responsible for the pollution of China’s atmosphere when the coal is burned in China’s inefficient coal burning facilities.

In some people’s minds the Good Ole USofA is responsible for everything bad that happens anywhere in the world.

Did it ever dawn on these mental midgets that the fault lies in the Chinese People who build and operate these inefficient coal burning facilities?

Since the above is an undeniable Foolish Fact, my mind started churning on another evil that the Not-So-Good Ole USofA is responsible for and how we can turn it into a source of job creation which will help our struggling economy in these dire economic times.

We are the breadbasket of the world. We export humongous amounts of grain all over the world and have been doing so for a very long time. The inevitable result of this grain exportation is Methane Produced by the Cows That Eat Our Grains. Our unending desire to make money is harming the ecology.

If our Federal Government would go on an all out campaign to ramp up plants all over the country to produce Cow Corks we would stimulate Manufacturing, Employment, Tax Revenue and help our Balance of Trade Numbers all at the same time. This is a Win Win Idea for all concerned!

With this increase in Tax Revenue we could then increase our lobbying efforts to beg the Chinese to loan us more money.

Would I kid u?


Wednesday, June 07, 2017

I Dreamt I Was A European Catholic Attending Sunday Mass

I have been to Europe a few times. There are Large Churches all over Europe. Oops, I left a word out of the prior sentence. I meant to peck out, “There are Large Empty Churches all over Europe”.


I am a Practicing Catholic and many of these Large Empty Churches are, in fact, Catholic.


Back To My Dream...

Ø I’m sitting in mass doing my best not to let my mind wander to other things knowing full well that my mind many times wanders to other things (like lunch).

Ø I start my serious concentration when it gets close to Holy Communion.

Ø I am shocked at what happens next...The priest skips right over the Distribution of Communion.

Ø My mind races with questions and confusion but the priest moves right along and wraps up the mass and heads down the aisle humming “A Closer Walk With Thee” softly to himself.

Ø As he gets close to me, I step into the aisle and block his way and I come right out with what is bothering me by asking him, “Why did you not distribute Communion?”

Ø  A sad countenance came over him and he said to me, “My son (priest always address me as their son) it seemed like a lot of trouble to go to for just the two of us”.


At that moment I looked around the Church and saw that he and I were the only two in that whole big church. I had been concentrating so hard on not thinking about lunch I had not noticed our aloneness. I just stood there and stared at him.


I was shaken back into consciousness as the priest continued, “Please excuse me because the first Stained Glass Tour is about to start and I have to set up the Post Card Stand”.


I simply stepped aside because I could see he was starting to get anxious to move on to Church Business. I felt fairly certain the Collection Basket Contributions are not what they once were.


Would I kid u?



Monday, June 05, 2017

If You Acknowledge Plagiarism Up Front Is It Still Not Nice?

At the end of this Blog Posting is a link to the article that I plagiarized from. Now that I have that off my chest I recommend that, when you get down there, you click on the link and read the article.


The writer, Dick Yarbrough, has a style of writing that is very similar to my own. I have just compounded my injury toward Mr. Yarbrough by stealing a nifty turn of phrase from him and comparing my Word Pecking to his Slick Use of the English Language Word Processing.


Here are my stolen Dick Yarbrough words...

“So, why have I come to this decision not to run for public office? For one thing, the dry cleaners misplaced my clown suit. What is politics without a bunch of clowns?”


Do you see it? I just love the reference to Clown Suit Wearing being a requirement to membership in our 9% Approval Rated Congress!


I will now start using my stolen Dick Yargbrough words to create my own brand of Foolishness...


At first I was confused and mystified. When my Clown Costumes started disappearing at the Dry Cleaners, I did not complain to the Dry Cleaner because, thanks to Larry David and Curb Your Enthusiasm, I understand the Universal Rule of Dry Cleaning...

Sometimes You Lose Something That Is Yours and Sometimes You Get Something That Is Not Yours and Sometimes You Get Back Your Worthless Laundry Ticket


At first I kept buying Replacement Clown Suits but every time I spilled some silliness on them and sent them in for cleaning they too ended up gone.


These budding congressmen ought not to have such a need to steal Clown Suits. Even if they can’t afford to buy their own suits now, they ought to know they are going to be Stinking Rich before they get half way through their first term.


While watching CSPAN, it did take me a while to start recognizing my particular suits because there are so many different Clown Suits that mine did not stand out.


Recognizing my own suits became a lot easier after I started taking a Smartphone Picture of my suits before I dropped them at the Dry Cleaners. Eventually I would spot my latest lost suit being worn by a Member of Congress as he Poked Holes in the Air with His Finger, pointed his finger at me while he was saying something about Not Paying My Fair Share and/or sleeping at his Assigned Sleeping Desk.


I started to toy with them by buying different kinds of Suits. The ones that disappeared as fast as Clown Suits were Snidley Whiplash, Goofy and Foghorn Leghorn.


Some suits never disappeared...Scrooge McDuck (he did not like to spend money), George Washington (he never told a lie) and Dudley DooRight (for obvious reasons).


Would I kid u?




Sunday, June 04, 2017

What If You Worked For One Company But Your Salary Was Paid For By Another Company. Would The Shareholders Of The Another Company Have A Legitimate Complaint?

I’m now going to make up a story about Fictitious Company #1 which makes an arrangement with Fictitious Company #2 whereby Fictitious Company #1 “loans” Fictitious Company #2 an employee to work in Fictitious Company #2 but Fictitious Company #1 will continue to pay said employee wherein Fictitious Company #2 has a much higher pay scale than Fictitious Company #1 but Fictitious Company #1 continues to pay “loaned” employee at Fictitious Company #2’s much higher pay scale and, loaned employee continues to accrue Retirement Benefits in Fictitious Company #1’s Retirement Plan.


I know a lot of things...

Ø I know that the above sentence is too long.

Ø I know that you don’t know what the heck I am talking about in the above paragraph.

Ø I know that this arrangement is not fair to the shareholders of Fictitious Company #1.

Ø I know that Loaned Employee is pleased as can be about this arrangement.

Ø I know that the “Loaned” Employee can’t believe his good fortune all these years (24) and he is about to slide into Retirement with a pension payment that is 10.5 higher than if he had continued to work for Fictitious Company #1.

Ø I know that the Loaned Employee is not going to say, “I object to this Pension Payment that is 10.5 times higher than if I had stayed worked for Fictitious Company #1 instead of working for Fictitious Company #2 and being paid by Fictitious Company #1 at Fictitious Company #2’s much higher pay scale”.


I know that you still don’t know what the heck I am talking about but I know I’m going to make all this as clear as can be before this Blog Posting is finished...Or will I?

Ø Neither Fictitious Company described above is Fictitious.

Ø Fictitious Company #1 is the Lansing Michigan Public School District.

Ø Fictitious Company #2 is the Michigan Education Association, the state’s largest teachers union.

Ø In 1993 the School District “loaned” (this is called “Release Time”) one of its employees to the Teachers Union.

Ø The Teachers Union Pay Scale was much higher than the School District’s Pay Scale.

Ø The School District has continued to pay the employee’s salary but at union’s much higher pay scale.

Ø The Loaned Employee has been the President of the Teachers Union since 2011 and is about to retire with a Pension that will be paid out of the School District’s Retirement Fund.

Ø Had Loaned Employee stayed with the School District it is estimated he would be entitled to an Annual Pension Payment of $10,000 from the School District’s Retirement Fund.

Ø Instead the Loaned Employee will receive an Annual Pension Payment of $105,000 from the School District’s Retirement Fund.


What’s that you just said? Did I really just hear you say that The Fella has finally lost it and he is completely fabricating stories to try and hang onto his few Dear Readers? (Some links to this not-made-up-story can be found in Lagniappe below.)


From my One Thing You Never Thought of Department, the jobs that Loaned Employee left at the School District still had to be done back at the School District all these years so the School District has had to employ, pay and accrue pension benefits for the Replacement Employee. (That’s known as adding insult to insult and injury.)


From my Oh Well, One Time Can’t Hurt Department, this has happened a lot more than one time. This is a quote from the source article for this posting... The Office of Personnel Management tracks release time for federal employees. Its most recent report in 2014 showed that union employees logged 3.4 million hours of release time, at a cost of more than $162 million.”


Did I just hear you say to yourself, “This all sounds quite Kosher to me”?


Ahhhh! Go back and read all of the above again. You must have missed something.


Would I kid u?




If ya don’t believe me...

Still don’t?...