Monday, February 27, 2017

When Is Complete Incomplete?

Today, February 27, 2017, the day after the Academy Awards the USA Today's Section D was almost entirely devoted to The Academy Awards.


On the top of the page there was this…

89th ACADEMY AWARDS Relive The Big Night With Us”.

Allow me to drag this out a little further. The newspaper said this...

"Join us for complete coverage of the 89th Academy Awards, including the most memorable speeches, viral moments, best (and worst) fashions, backstage interviews and after-party access".

What's wrong with this picture about the pictures?


It is the use of the word “complete”. Complete means they got it all. They got the whole enchilada. They left nothing out...Or did they?


I don’t mean to be picky (or do I don’t) but this Crack News Reporting Organization left out the Big Mistake Where They Gave The Best Picture Award To The Wrong Picture!


Oh that little thing. That’s not much...Or is that not?


Would I kid u?


Friday, February 24, 2017

I’ve Often Wondered If There Was Any Difference Between A. A. Milne’s Pooh Bear And Bear Poo

If the silliness of the above title caught your attention, I have accomplished my intention to get you to, at least, start to read this Blog Posting instead of taking that nap you were contemplating.


This Foolishness is not about Pooh Bear or A. A. Milne but it is about Poo. My newspaper has told me about the dilemma in India concerning Indian Poo. Are you ready for this?...

Ø Hundreds of millions of Indians don’t use Toilets and millions do not want to use them either.

Ø Since the 1980s, a whole bunch of toilets have been built by successive governments but a whole bunch of that whole bunch are simply not being used.

Ø Toilet nonuse lies at the core of India’s most-pressing health and development problems, including the spread of bacteria and viruses, diarrheal deaths and childhood stunting.

Ø It also risks the safety of women who must go outside in the dark when nature calls at night.

Ø The governmental program has added 33 million new household toilets since 2014.

Ø The toilet-building frenzy shrouds a bigger problem: many who get toilets don’t use them because they consider it impure to use indoor toilets.

Ø Others simply don’t see the need to change.

Ø One interviewee said, “I like to take a walk and do my business away from where we sleep and pray”.

Ø The government has tried to persuade families to construct toilets, promising a $180 grant for completion. Most families wanted the money first, unable or unwilling to invest in something they didn’t consider a priority.

Ø The government has threatened to stop giving toiletless residents the jobs and subsidized food guaranteed by the government.

Ø A gap in the walls of a school whose large, grass-covered grounds had become a bathroom of choice was closed by the school principal. Dozens marched to the principal’s home in protest, wielding water buckets they carry for outside duty. The protesters then demolished the wall.

Ø A local official got his police friends to stage the faux arrest of four locals he had instructed to relieve themselves outside. He said this was an attempt to strike fear into his fellow citizens. It did not work.

Ø He also rented an auto-rickshaw with a loudspeaker that went around announcing that the transgressors’ electricity supply would be cut. It did not work.

Ø In another area, teams of saree-clad women kept daily vigil around lakes and grassy fields used by goers starting at 4:30 a.m. They shouted pro-toilet slogans and blew whistles at going offenders.


An official said, “Going to the toilet has become very political. “You can’t imagine the hostility we’ve encountered.”


My dear readers, after reading this Blog Posting, I can imagine you can imagine what he said you can’t imagine.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: In preparing this posting I refrained from including this...”he understands the spirit behind such moves”. I think it shows great restraint on my part to not make a wise crack about a sentence in an article about a subject such as this that includes the words “Behind” and “Moves”.

Monday, February 20, 2017

There Ought To Be Another Law

To be more specific about the above Subject Line...

There Ought To Be A Law Against Shaving One’s Head

In the old days, we used to see Bald Headed People. We knew they were Bald because they had hair around the sides and back of their heads but no hair in the top of their heads. As they walked by, we used to say to each other or to ourselves, “There goes a Bald Headed Person”.


Life was so simple in the Old Days but in these New Days things are so much more complicated.


I noticed this complication yesterday when I saw a politician on TV who had absolutely no hair on the sides, back or top of his head. I found myself saying to myself, “I wonder if he is bald?”


I have come to understand that, just because he had no hair, does not mean he has no hair. He may have shaved his full head of hair or he may have my Uncle Johnny’s Wide Part but there was no way to know for sure whether or not he had hair because he had no hair.


Politicians are getting more deceptive all the time. We all know and accept the fact that they lie because we see their lips moving but this Hair/No Hair Thing is going too far.


Politicians used to not want us to know they were bald but we could see they were bald because they wore Lying Toupees. We were comfortable with that. We expected that. It was a part of the Fabric of American Politics (whatever that is).


There is one other possibility about all this Balding Deception. It could be that the shavers are trying to trick us into thinking that they Play Basketball in the NBA.


However, there is a flaw in this line of thinking. If they played in the NBA they would be covered with Tattoos but the absence of Tattoos does not mean there are no Tattoos.


I saw one of the more famous NBA players being interviewed. When the lady with the microphone was running out of insightful questions she asked him how he had resisted getting his Wonderful Body Tattooed, like his fellow Wonderful Bodied Superstars were Tattooed.


He put his head down and smiled a bit sheepishly and said he actually had 24 Tattoos but they were where they could not be seen.


This is co confusing. I don’t know what to believe. I’ve always thought that this Blog of mine was read by Millions of People. Could it be that that is not true either?


Would I kid u?


Thursday, February 16, 2017

I Am So Pleased!

Just when I was beginning to lose faith in the Younger Generation, I am seeing a dramatic change for the better!


That Rembrandt fellow was one great painter and his Night Watch is one of his most famous works of art. The youth of today have become aware of his greatness and are flocking to museums which exhibit his works.


My faith in the younger generation has been restored...Or has it?




Would I kid u?


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

My Men Readers Will Appreciate This More Than My Women Readers

About 5 years ago I was walking through Home Depot looking for the beer (Yes, it was one of my Confused Days) and I happened upon a potential Impulse Purchase that was about to become My Impulse Purchase and I impulsively purchased it.


This is why my men readers appreciate this Blog Posting more than my women readers. We do such things as this and it then becomes a two-stage happening...

Ø Stage 1...We buy it.

Ø Stage 2...We put it in the garage and every time we see it in the garage we say to our collective selves, “Self, why did I buy this?”


Since last Thursday I have came to full understand that I am an Excellent Impulse Shopper.


My back attacked me with a vengeance last Wednesday afternoon. I had to sleep in my once sweaty tennis clothes that night because I could not take off my socks and I have an aversion to taking a shower with my socks on.


Picking up something off the floor was almost impossible and necessitated slowly getting down on 1 knee still slowly reaching down and picking up what needed to be picked up.


It is also an interesting phenomenon that, when one hurts one’s back like this, one drops far more things than one normally drops his things.


Why do we say, “Needless to say” and then we automatically go on to say what it was needless to say? I’m going to do it here, “Needless to say, I picked up a whole bunch more things with my Nifty Impulse Purchase in the last few days than I picked up with it since I bought it 5 years ago. All this time my nifty Impulse Purchase sat in my garage saying to itself, ‘Why did he buy me?’”.


Since this is near the Bottom Line of this Posting, I will now give you the Bottom Line...

If you see one of these Grabber/Pinchy Thingies in Home Depot, buy it. If you have a bad back, you are going to need it. If you don’t have a bad back, buy it anyway, because someday you are going to have a bad back.


Would I kid u?


Friday, February 10, 2017

What I Would Like To See And Hear

Here I Go Being Picky Again

This is what I keep seeing and hearing:

Ø Iran keeps shooting off Ballistic-Missiles.

Ø During an interview, an Iranian Spokesman claims that these missiles are not for the purpose of sending nuclear missiles to those places that Iran keeps saying it intends to send nuclear missiles to in order to wipe those places off the face of the Earth.

Ø The Spokesman smiles as he goes on to say that these are peaceful missiles which are intended to be used to put into orbit Weather and Communication Satellites.

Ø The Interviewer appears to be satisfied with that answer, smiles and goes on to another question about a completely different subject.


This is what I would like to see and hear:

The fourth bullet above replaced with this bullet...

Ø The Interviewer says to the Iranian Spokesman, “Mr. Spokesman, if the missile launch was intended for the future insertion of Weather and Communication Satellites, why did you just say the missile failed on re-entry? Weather and Communication Satellites have no need for re-entry. They are supposed to stay up there.”


Would they kid us?



Lagniappe: Now you can see why I was turned down when I applied to be an Interviewer.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Remembering E.F. Hutton

Remember those E.F. Hutton TV Commercials in the late 1970s and early ‘80s where the announcer used that line, “When E.F. Hutton Talks, People Listen”? Everyone in the picture stopped what they were doing and leaned toward the E.F. Hutton Talking Person. That commercial was certainly an attention getter.


It appears China has taken this Listening Thing to a whole new level. They have been “listening” to the world for years. Only, in the case of China, they have been listening and stealing what they heard while listening regarding Technology and Manufacturing Secrets. Then China has been competing against those who they stole the Technology and Manufacturing Secrets from in the world market.


I have it on reliable sources that what they have been doing is dressing up their Listeners as Potted Plants (guess who they stole this idea from?) and strategically placing their Plant Listeners in Make-It-Happen Companies all over the world. You can tell if the plant over there is a Chinese Plant Listener if, as soon as some Trade Secret begins being discussed, the plant leans toward the speaker.


China has been working so hard at stealing that they are not able to do some pretty ordinary manufacturing tasks on their own. I’ll give you an example that my newspaper just told me about...

·        Chinese manufacturers produce 38 billion ballpoint pens a year.

·        This is 80% of the global ballpoint market.

·        They have not, however, produced the Nib (the part that holds the ball at the tip).

·        After a five-year effort, one Chinese company recently achieved this mission of national interest.


Don’t blame me. My newspaper came up with the words “of national interest”. It does not sound like that big a deal to me.


I must be wrong about my No Big Deal Statement above. A Chinese spokesman said this, “It’s meaningful to have a breakthrough in the core technology for the domestic industry. What if there’s a war?”


It sure seems like the Chinese are planning ahead. When they go to war they want to be able to use their Made in China by Chinese Ballpoint Pens to write bad things about whoever they are warring upon.


Here Is Where I Go Off On Another (But Related) Tangent

I’ve often wondered about all this talk about the Chinese planning to kill everybody. Follow along with me as I imagine the rulers of China discussing the possibility of going to war. The Big Chinese Warmonger says the following...

·        Fedwick is very important to the economy of China.

·        We export 65% of everything we make to Fedwick.

·        72% of our workers are employed in making Chinese products for export to Fedwick.

·        I hereby propose that at dawn tomorrow we launch 300 Mao Missiles at Fedwick and wipe it and its Chinese Product Consuming People off the face of the Earth.


Does that not sound kind of drastic? Does that not sound kind of stupid? Let’s all hope they are not prone to drastic and stupid because my wild and crazy made-up numbers above may be Made-Up Foolishness but I’m pretty certain we are Fedwick.


Would I kid u?


Sunday, February 05, 2017

The Devil Made Me Do It But It Makes No Nevermind Because It’s About To Be Legal

I picked this up from the Wall Street Journal and 2 different Internet Sites...


Demonstrators massed through the streets of Bucharest, Romania—as well as smaller towns and cities throughout the country—shouting “thieves, thieves!” The protesters condemned an emergency ordinance decree that decriminalized the theft of public funds when the amount involved is less than $48,000.

The leader of the ruling Social Democratic Party is on trial for diverting a sum just short of that.

The protests, among the largest the country has seen since the fall of communism in 1989, began after the decree was passed without the vote of Parliament.


Let me see if understand what’s going on here...

Ø A public official steals just under $48,000.

Ø That public official passes a decree which says that stealing just over what he stole is not illegal.

Ø The public official passed the decree without the vote of Parliament by decreeing the decree all by himself.


I have been accused of making things up because I sometimes make things up but I’m not sure even I could make up this one...Or could I?...Or have I?


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: The above Foolishness...Or Is It was written yesterday. Yesterday again came before today & today my newspaper tells me that the Decree Maker has withdrawn his Awful Decree. Personkind has dodged another bullet but we ought to stay alert because the Evil People out there have more bullets. Actually they seem to have an unlimited supply.

Friday, February 03, 2017

I Can’t Believe I Am About To Say This!

I have Blogged more than once about the fact that we have Too Many Laws. Am I now going to go back on this prior stated position and propose that our 11% Approval Rated Congress pass another law? It appears that’s exactly what I am going to do.


We often hear said, or say ourselves, that We Have a Fundamental Right in the Good Ole USofA to Demonstrate. This is how we can convey to our Rulers what our concerns are about the way our country is headed...

Ø We demonstrate.

Ø The government becomes aware of our concerns.

Ø The government takes a second look at what has upset us.

Ø The government sees the error of its ways or sees that it is politically advantageous to them to acquiesce to our concerns.

Ø The government gives in to our demands.

Ø We have made the Good Ole USofA a better place to live in for ourselves and for future generations.

Ø We go back to making widgets and writing blogs.


There is a Big Fly in this Ointment. Is it proper that the very wealthy pay demonstrators to demonstrate? Is this not not conveying the concerns of the citizens but conveying the wants of the very wealthy?


Think about it...

Is it not possible that policy changes that result from successful paid demonstration just might be the wishes of only the single Very Rich Person who financed the demonstration?


Does this sound like a Fundamental Right to you or is it a Fundamental Right gone amuck?


OK, I’ll come right out and say it...

It ought to be against the law to pay demonstrators to demonstrate.

Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Do you think I am about to get audited by the IRS? Actually, I feel certain I don’t have to worry about an audit. The only one who reads this Blog is you and you don’t work for the IRS...Or do u?

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Dear Federal Government, Your Policy Is Not Working

Your policy of Making Like North Korea does not exist is not working. They are out there and they are making some really Provocative Statements and/or Threats directed at the Good Ole USofA, South Korea & Japan.


Did I just hear you say to your collective selves, “What Provocative Statements and/or Threats?” Where have you been? Try these on for size...

·        North Korea has said its main nuclear complex was working again and it was working on weapons to use against the United States.

·        North Korea has said it would fire without warning at South Korean naval vessels.

·        North Korea has said it will strike in any waters it wants to and wipe out the hostile forces infringing upon the sovereignty and dignity of North Korea.

·        North Korea once said all foreigners and foreign-run businesses in the South should draw up evacuation plans. (Don’t know the outcome of this demand. Our News Media is not very good at reporting outcomes. They specialize in publishing stuff for us to worry about.)

·        North Korea is continuously issuing shrill warnings about what it describes as likely armed conflict on the peninsula.

·        Awhile back North Korea told diplomats in Pyongyang that their safety couldn’t be guaranteed beyond the following week. (Don’t know the outcome of this demand. Our News Media is not very good at reporting outcomes. They specialize in publishing stuff for us to worry about.)

·        North Korea has warned that the U.S. should not forget that the Anderson Air Force Base on Guam (where B-52 bombers are based) and naval bases in Japan and Okinawa (where nuclear-powered submarines are berthed) are within the striking range of their precision strike capabilities.

·        North Korea has stated that, now that the U.S. started open nuclear blackmail and threat, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, will move to take corresponding military actions.

·        Their young and unpredictable leader, Kim Jong-Un, reacted with anger to something or other and threatening to attack America, South Korea and Japan.

·        Their young and unpredictable leader, Kim Jong-Un, toured military units calling for them to prepare for “all-out war”.

·        North Korea has confirmed it has pulled out of an armistice with its "enemies" and added the next step will be an act of merciless military retaliation.

·        North Korea has stated that America, South Korea and Japan should be well advised to keep in mind that the armistice agreement is no longer valid and North Korea is not restrained by the North-South declaration on non-aggression.


Fella Observation: North Korea’s official long name is the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Why is it that governments who hate Democracy & in no way can be considered Republics, so many times call themselves “Democratic and/or Republic”?


My dear readers, now that I have made you nervous about North Korea, please allow me to relieve some of your anxiety. Last year the Obama Administration State Department released a statement directed at North Korea that is certain to make them nervous...

“We continue to call on North Korea to refrain from irresponsible provocations that aggravate regional tensions and instead focus on fulfilling its international obligations and commitments.”

That oughta do it...Or will it?


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: I am not sure our Congress is even aware of exactly where the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea actually is. I know that many members of Congress do read my blog and, I always like to help them out whenever I can, so I am including in this blog posting a map of Korea.


Lagniappe 2: Dear Members of Congress, do you see North Korea? It’s right under China. China is really big. You do see China, don’t you...Or don’t u?