If It Was Really Stupid, Then I Claim Full Responsibility

Accept this as fact: There are people who wish the United States harm out there in the world. Some of our teenagers give these people hope that they will see the good ole USofA become a footnote in history because they are observing how our young people “think”.

One such teen recently hauled a baby grand piano onto a sand bar in Biscayne Bay and set it afire. He and his fellow like minded friends then watched it burn up (or down, if you prefer down to up). When he was asked why he did this he gave two replies that prove that he is not the next Einstein...

• He said it was cool.
• He said he did it for the sake of art.

Think this is crazy? The craziest thing is others tried to claim responsibility for his cool/artistic endeavor. Can you believe that? Instead of issuing statements denying responsibility these mental midgets were rushing in to claim “credit”.

Thank goodness that our boy genius was forward thinking enough to have videoed his Foolishness. He showed his video and the world then gave him the recognition that he so rightfully deserves.

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Then there is the other side. One student in a prestigious art school said, "I want to meet him. I thought it was beautiful. It was poetic."

Could I be wrong? Is it possible that I am so logical thinking that I can’t distinguish foolish eyesores from ugly art?

Would I kid u?

Bad Guys Always Get What’s Coming To Them ... Unless They Have A “Good” Lawyer Or A Stupid Judge ... Or both

 

In bullet format here is what I read in my newspaper on 1/28/11 (my sage comments will be in bold)...

• This was a Bank Account Takeover Scheme ... Otherwise known as people stealing other people’s money.
• Six schemers victimized Chinese, Korean, Laotian and Vietnamese residents in California, Oregon and Washington ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The scheme was conducted from November 2008 to April 2010 ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The victims were contacted by phone and told that they had unpaid bills with telephone or utility companies.
• Using the personal information gathered from their victims, the defendants ordered bank checks and added themselves as users on victim’s credit cards ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The schemers then spent $500,000 of the victim’s money on everything from Louis Vuitton purses to a daschund ... This is the first sliver of sympathy on my part for the schemers. If they go to jail, who is going to care for the little doggie?

The following 4 bullets are not true and were made up by me...

• The schemers were given very harsh sentences.
• They were all sentenced to 35 years in prison.
• They have to pay back the $500,000 plus interest.
• They have to put the daschund into the Louis Vuitton purse and personally deliver it to Barbara Streisand the day before they report to the hoosegow to begin serving their 35 year sentences.

The following 4 bullets are the actual sentence that was handed down to one of the schemers yesterday...

• She was sentenced to 6 months of home confinement ... No this is not a misprint. She was not sentenced to jail. She has to stay home. (I am sure an exception will be made so that she can go to her Pilates classes).
• This harsh sentence is followed up by 5 whole years of supervised release ... What is that?
• If you think she plead guilty to a whole bunch of charges, you are wrong. She only plead guilty to a single count of Mail Fraud ... I wonder if she was laughing out loud as she told the court, “I plead guilty”.
• Well she certainly had to pay back all that money. Right? Wrong! ... She has to pay back $50,000. That’s quite a bargain! That’s like a mugger saying to a muggee, “Give me that $500,000 in your pocket. What? You only have $50,000? Ok, you owe me $450,000. Here is my address. Bring me $50,000 a week for the next nine weeks.”.

Have you finally come to a full realization why I have no need to make up my Foolishness...Or Is It?. I just have to keep reading my newspaper and I will never run out of silly things to tell you about.

Would I kid u?

Texting While Doing Anything Else

Introduction: This Foolishness...Or Is It? was written last night. This morning’s newspaper tells me that one of the two legislators I had written about has backed off on his proposed legislation (Arkansas). The other is charging ahead (New York). Since he is doing so, this posting is still relevant and certainly ought to be read by all clear thinking Americans.

I have ranted before about those of us (too many of us) texting while driving. We are now passing laws to try to protect the dumb from doing the stupid. Am I not being plain enough? Let me put it this way, texting while driving a moving vehicle is dumb. Those of us who do this are the stupid.

There is an elected official in New York who has proposed legislation to stop us from walking and texting.

I think Walking is not the same as Driving. Can you believe I said that? We have a major epidemic of stupid driving in this country and this legislator is worried about that lady in that shopping mall the other day that walked into a fountain while texting and got wet.

This legislation is in the process of getting Foolish. Here is some of the silliness...

• Anyone walking with two ear pieces in their head (one in each ear) will be considered in violation. A single ear piece is OK.
• This legislation is only proposed to be enforced in cities with a population of 1,000,000 or more.

Now I could stop this Foolishness...Or Is It? right here and now and it would be complete. It has exposed more of the Foolishness that surrounds us all. I could be done... But am I?

I have thought about the above bullets and I wish to expand and clarify...

• What is this about only being an issue in cities of 1,000,000 people and more? Are not those who live in small cities in as much danger as people who live in large cities? Ignoring small town walker’s safety is unconscionable!
• A determination as to what the walker is listening to will have to be made before the Ear Piece Police can swoop in and make the appropriate life-saving arrests...
•    Classical Music is soothing and an aid to concentration while hard rock music is mind muddling and a hindrance to walking. We need only be concerned with hard rock music.
•    What about Talk Radio? Does not opposing opinions cause the Liberal to get excited when he hears Conservative commentary and the Conservative get excited when he hears Liberal commentary? Either opinion contrary to the walker’s strongly held beliefs could contribute to dangerous walking.
•    Obviously our Federal Government is going to have to invest 10 or 20 million dollars to develop Ear Piece Penetrators to ascertain exactly what the Ear Piece Equipped Walkers of America are listening to.
•    Another bunch of millions will have to be invested in Segways for the Ear Piece Police to get around on to do their ear piece penetrating.
•    Actually the Segway expense will have to be doubled so that, once a potential violator is zeroed in on, there may have need for another Segway on the other side of the listener, if the single ear piece is inserted on the opposite side. This increase in expense may cause the provision in the bill for single ear pieces to be scrapped. Our Federal Government certainly would not want to get carried away with this enforcement policy... Or would it?
• As an alternative to Segway Monitoring we could always use our extensive satellite system to monitor walkers. Some may object to this diversion of our satellites to endangered walkers. I am sure that cooler heads will prevail by saying, “The heck with terrorists! This is important!”.
• As is usually the case, there will have to be exemptions. The most obvious and sure to be universally accepted exception will be NBA Basketball Players. These American Tattooed Heroes are always shown walking into the arena before the game with ear phones on their well paid ears. There will certainly be no objections to this exception because they are tall and important and we are neither.

Would I kid u?

At First I Really Panicked!

I saw an Internet Teaser Headline that I thought was really going to capture the attention of all of America but I was wrong. The headline was...

Panda Loses Weight

Because of the obsession we all have for the center attraction of our zoos the Chinese Pandas, I had real fear that this Internet Teaser Headline meant Zing Goo Po (or whatever our Atlanta Panda is named) was ill. Since Pandas have not been known to go on diets, losing weight would surely have to have been the result of some kind of dire illness.

I breathed a sigh of great relief when I read the article and found out that it was a story about a baseball player named Pablo Sandoval (nicknamed “Panda”) who is losing weight for the upcoming baseball season. Google him if you want to learn about his ongoing struggles with his weight. There are lots of articles about him being fat, losing weight, going on a diet, going off a diet, etc.

I know Pablo’s fatness is of great concern to the San Francisco Baseball Fans but a sick Panda anywhere is big and ongoing news in the city in which that particular Panda takes up residence. It has been this way in all of the cities in which I have lived.

If Atlanta’s Panda were ill, we would not have heard anything about the Australian Floods, the Arizona Shooting Aftermath, North Korea’s Bomb, Iran’s Bomb, Brittney Spears and such until that cute little fella was fully recovered.

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It’s not just Pandas. In Atlanta we had an obsession with a Gorilla named Willie B. who died in the year 2000. I remember that when he died a radio commentator said the following, “He was a great Ambassador for all of Gorillakind”. You think I made that quote up, don’t you?

Our obsession with Willie B. continued after his passing. In doing my research for this posting, I looked him up in Wikipedia. It was worse than I thought...

• More than 8,000 people attended the memorial ceremony held in his honor.
• The zoo now has a life-size bronze statue of him on permanent display outside the Gorilla exhibit.
• His remains were cremated. 80% of his remains were kept in a bronze box in the bronze statue at Zoo Atlanta and the other 20% were flown back to the African jungle.

You also think I made these 3 bullets up don’t you? When will you learn that I only make things up when it is absolutely necessary? It is not necessary to make up foolishness when foolishness abounds in the world around us.

Would I kid u?

More: If I had any kind of significant city wide readership in Atlanta, do you realize how viciously I would be attacked for having made light of Willie B.? Sort of makes me glad you are the only person reading this Foolishness...Or Is It?.

Still More: Some are being critical of President Obama saying he did not get much of anything out of the visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao. To that insinuation I say Hogwash! Don’t these people read the newspaper? In today’s paper it plainly states that China has granted an extension to the Washington D.C. Zoo to keep their two pandas another 5 years. What more could we ask of a president of these United States?

Eye/Hand Coordination Skills – Good News & Bad News

Dear Reader, through your mind’s eye gaze with me at a very common scene in a modern American household...

• Modern parent is looking at modern child with a puzzled look.
• Modern child is playing video games ... all day long.
• The puzzled modern parent says to the other modern parent of the video game playing modern American child “Is this doing our child any good? Might it not be better if all this effort were devoted toward a text book of some kind?”
• Other parent who is really modern says confidently, “Don’t worry. What you are witnessing is Eye/Hand Coordination Skills being developed to the very highest of levels right before your very puzzled eyes.”
• Puzzled parent says, “Oh, I see.”
• Puzzled parent withholds any further comment for fear of being overheard by the modern child and damaging modern child’s self esteem.

The Good News is there are jobs out there for workers with well developed Eye/Hand Coordination Skills. These trained specialists are being hired by the CIA to Operate Unmanned Aircraft over in the Middle East to blowup bad guys.

The Bad News is America is developing 37,000,000 such highly trained workers and the CIA has 27 positions for such workers.

Would I kid u?

The News Media Will Tell You Darn Near Anything

 

A few people bought my book. Are you one of the few? Buy it here: World's Greatest Bathroom Book ... Or is it?

 

The News Media has no respect for me. They think I will believe anything they report.

I just heard them tell me that Rhode Island had a massive budget deficit.

If they told me that Rhode Island had a mini budget deficit, an itty bitty budget deficit or even a minor budget deficit, I would have believed them in a heartbeat.

I draw the line at this one! Come on News Media, this is little Rhode Island. There is nothing massive about Rhode Island. I just don’t believe ya!

Would I kid u?

I Just Became Rich In 93 Minutes & 1 Second

It came to me in a flash (that’s the 1 second referred to in the subject line above). I then spent 93 minutes calling the heads of the news departments at NBC, CBS, ABC, the AP, Fox, CNN, TNT, Reuters, MSNBC, CNBC and a couple of others. The brilliance of my proposal was seen immediately and was accepted by them as a real concrete way to save a lot of money.

I proposed a substantial remuneration in the form of 5% of all the money my brilliant idea would save them in the next 25 years. They accepted my payment plan as quickly as they had accepted my original money saving idea. That’s it. I am rich!

Did I forget to tell you exactly what was my Brilliant Money Making Money Saving Make Me Rich Idea? I apologize. Here it is in all its brilliant simplicity...

• I was watching the news broadcast on TV today about the floods in Australia.
• I said to myself, “Self, that looks like the pictures of the floods in Iowa last year”.
• That’s when it hit me.
• The news organizations spend millions of dollars every year sending cameramen all over the world to take pictures of one disaster after another.
• The pictures they send back all look the same as the last similar disaster.
• What they need to do is build up a video bank of all the various disasters that we see over and over each night on TV: Floods, Fires, Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Rabbits Attacking Presidents, etc.
• Then when one of these bad things happen again they just go to their computers and pull out a stored video of that particular type of happening and send it out over the airways for all of America to be amazed at or saddened by.
• They have then saved the expense of salary for the travelers, meals, airplane tickets, worn out equipment replacement, shirts and baseball caps with logos on them, etc.
• I get 5% of everything they save.

I just got a phone call I got from a cameraman from NBC. He told me that he was going to sue me. I assumed that he was suing me because he was losing his job. I was surprised when he told me that he was suing me for Nifty Idea Infringement. He said he had been putting my brilliant idea into actual practice for 32 years & I had stolen it from him. My idea was his idea.

I offered him 2% of my 5%. He accepted. Now we are both going to be rich.

Would I kid u?

You Are Right, If You Think...

You Are Right, If You Think ... that I am tired of and don’t quite understand our ongoing fascination with and adoration of...Celebrities (Celebs).

I have vented about this at least once before...
Click here: http://forii.blogtownhall.com/2009/05/18/what%e2%80%99s_wrong_with_us.thtml

My dislike of our obsession with Celebs does see some hope in the future ... Cartoons.

Have you noticed the proliferation of Cartoons in the movie theatres and on television? Cartoons are an expanding entertainment phenomena. They are the wave of the future. What this means to me is that, one day in the not too distant future, Celebs Will Become Extinct.

At present we are told...

• This voice is Tom Hanks.
• That voice is Meryl Streep.
• Tom Cruise is the voice of the wizard with the bad limp.

Can you honestly tell whose voice it really is? I can’t. How long will it be before those Hollywood Big Wigs will say to themselves, “We can save a lot of money by not getting Tom, Meryl or Tom to do these voices in our cartoons. We’ll just go into a nearby Jack in the Box and get a burger seller who can read pretty well. We will save a fortune!”

Yea, I know they call them Animated Features but, whatever they call them, the Big Wigs will save themselves a lot of money and the Scourge of the Celebs just might be on the way out. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Would I kid u?

How Do They Know Before They Know?

My uncanny ability to make things up is finally putting me in good stead (whatever that means).

My wife thinks that one of life’s greatest pleasures is the Morning Newspaper. The other day she asked me to stop and buy the Sunday Morning Newspaper on Saturday Night.

As I handed over my $2 I found myself wondering about how was it possible to buy the Sunday News on Saturday Night? At that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks ... They Make It Up!

I said to myself, “Self, that’s what you do. You have been writing your Foolishness…Or Is It? blog for years. Every time you issue a posting, you make things up” … Or do you?

I called my local paper to offer my services as a News Fabricator of Saturday Night Sunday News and they said they were about to call me and offer me that very same position. They said they had heard of me and had the highest respect for my ability to come up with facts before the facts have, in fact, become facts.

If all goes well this may be the beginning of the end of Foolishness…Or Is It?. In the future I just may be too busy for such silliness… Or will I?

Would I kid u?