Saturday, May 26, 2018

Be Careful What You Say. She Is Listening To You.

There are now reports that Amazon Alexa is doing more than answering our questions about tomorrow’s weather forecast. There is at least one report of her listening to a home conversation and then sending that thought-to-be-private conversation to someone else.

 

Think about how history could have been changed if Alexa had been around to change history...

  • Adolph Hitler is taking a nap on his office couch when Herman Goering comes rushing in and shouts, “Herr Hitler, Alexa just told me that Eisenhower has chosen Normandy for the Allied Invasion of Europe. He will be landing in 3 days. What do you say we divert all our Forces to Normandy and give Ike a real German Welcome to Europe Party?”
  • Jonas Salk is famous for inventing the Salk Polio Vaccine. If Alexa had been around in 1952 things could have really been different. One day Dr. Salk was sitting on his porch and he told his next door neighbor the exact formula for his miracle life-saving vaccine and, within weeks, the world was reaping the benefits of the Snidley Whiplash Polio Vaccine.
  • Public Enemy #1, John Dillinger, could have had a nice walk to the soda shop after the movie on July 22, 1934 if it had not been for Alexa. Alexa overheard John tell his best friend, Butch The Strangler Orzanski, “I just can’t wait to see Manhattan Melodrama staring Clark Gable at the Biograph Theatre tonight at 8:30”. Alexa notified Melvin Purvis of FBI fame and, after the movie, John was killed by a bullet that entered through the back of his neck, which severed the spinal cord, passed into his brain and exited just under his right eye.

Fella Notes of Interest...

  • Today a signed photo of Jonas Salk is for sale on the Internet for $275.
  • Even 84 years after his death, an unsigned photo of John Dillinger’s death scene is for sale on the Internet $855.
  • A whole bunch of bystanders soaked up Johnny’s blood into their skirts and handkerchiefs. I could not find a selling price for any of those items on the Internet.
  • I did find where a $1 bill stained with Dillinger’s blood from the night of his death has sold for $14,340 at Heritage Auctions.
  • Dillinger's body was available for public display at the County Morgue for a day and a half. An estimated 15,000 people dropped by to view his corpse.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Thursday, May 24, 2018

We Don’t Want Your Money!

The National Geographic Society has long contended...

“It is Settled Geography that, no matter from where you start on Planet Earth, New Zealand is a long way away”.

 

After bringing up this fact, I pose this question...

That being the case, why are gaggles of tourist flocking to go walk around New Zealand?

 

The simple answer is...

Because they have a burning desire to walk where all those things did not happen.

 

Now that I have explained why, I can see by the look on your faces that you are confused. Please allow me to help you understand.

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This is the first three paragraphs of an article in the Wall Street Journal about the Invasion of Flip-Flopping Footed Tourist in New Zealand...

QUEENSTOWN, New Zealand—Towering mountain ranges, forests and glacier-fed rivers made New Zealand the perfect stand-in for Middle Earth in “The Lord of the Rings” movie series and a cinematic billboard for the country’s natural beauty.

 

Today, jet boats rip down rivers seeking the mythical Isengard, where the wizard Gandalf was imprisoned. “Freedom campers” in rented vans leave trails of waste. Tens of thousands of helicopter trips annually deposit visitors, some in flip-flops, on New Zealand glaciers that were once the realm of expert climbers.

 

One tour group had to be rescued after trying to walk barefoot to Mount Ngauruhoe, in apparent homage to J.R.R. Tolkien’s Mount Doom.

------------------------

Time for Fella to come clean... I do not know diddly squat about the Lord of the Rings Movie Series. I have never read J.R.R. Tolkien’s books and have seen only small pieces of his highly-acclaimed movies.

This may place me in the small group of people who have not read or seen his stuff but I intend to persist in my “ignorance” because I have been told that J.R.R. Tolkien’s has not read any of my Foolishness and I have no movies for him not to have seen.

The more important point is, J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series is a work of fiction! It did not happen! I find it silly that so many people want to go stand in the exact spot where something never was.

------------------------

All of this Foolishness should not surprise me because years ago on a trip to London I found out that every day of the week tourist pay money to walk through 221b Baker Street. I’m sure you all know (Or am I sure?) that this is where Sherlock Holmes did not live.

Think I made this up? Click here: http://www.sherlock-holmes.co.uk. This is Sherlock’s Official Home. If you did not click the link, I’ll tell you that the price of an Adult Ticket is 15 Pounds. As of today, 15 Pounds convert to $20.09.

Maybe I could turn this Silliness into a windfall for Fella. I could rent space in a strip mall and set up a Book Store for the sale of my Little-Read Green Book, Foolishness...Or Is It? I could charge people a fee to have them walk through the shop. I could draw them in by advertising in all the Tourist Magazines offering the opportunity to walk through Fella’s Book Store where thousands of book buyers did not come to buy his book.

If you can’t make it to my book store because you are in New Zealand, you can buy my Little-Read Green Book direct from Amazon by clicking here: https://www.amazon.com/Foolishness-Alexander-J-Ortolano-ebook/dp/B00AJ3IYI8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527169334&sr=8-1&keywords=Foolishness...Or+Is+It%3F

You can then read my book at night in New Zealand when you have nothing else to so because it appears that New Zealandite Elected Officials are so desperate to cut down on the Flip-Flopping Footed Tourist walking all over their former seclusion that they are contemplating cutting off Nighttime Wi-Fi to the Tourist Invaders.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: In case you think I made up the New Zealand foolishness, click below:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/anger-over-tourists-swarming-vacation-hot-spots-sparks-global-backlash-1527000130

Lagniappe: In the interest of Full Disclosure, the only thing I made up in this Blog Posting was the word “Zealandite”.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

God Gone

Did it all start to fall apart on April 8, 1966 when that famous Time Magazine Cover asked, Is God Dead? 

Whether it started there or not, disbelief in God certainly has gained momentum since that cover’s question shocked the world. The question did not invent the Slippery Slope but it certainly made sure the slippery did not dry up for lack of use.

 

Text Message:

Dear God,

Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?

Signed,

Concerned Student

 

Text Message:

Dear Concerned Student,

I’m not allowed in your schools.

Signed,

God

 

There ought to be signs displayed in our schools which read:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School Until After The 3rd Shot Is Fired”

If you are tempted to forward this Blog Posting to others, please resist the temptation to add a Cute Emoticon to the Sign Message above. Those you forward it to might think the sign is funny and it’s not.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, May 18, 2018

Part 2 … Remembering Growing Up Being Me And Me Being Surrounded By Those Crazy And Delightful People Who Surrounded Me

Above is the title to my 12/9/17 Blog Posting. This Posting drew more comments than any posting Fella has ever done. A Whole Big Bunch (actually a Whole Big Few) has clamored for me to add on other memories. This is the first other memory. There will be more.

 

If you want to skim through the original posting, click the link below. If not, skip the click and drop down to one of Fella’s Favorite Memories of his Crazy (actually very ordinary) Family.

 

Please don’t just read it. Picture It as you read it. You will probably be able to see some of your own Relatives drinking coffee, smiling, laughing, getting angry, jumping around and simply being just delightful.

 

The Original Posting... http://forii.blogspot.com/2017/12/remembering-growing-up-being-me-and-me.html

 

The Bigga Peace of 1950

(This is Italian for the Day We Made Peace in Our Family)

Christmas Day 1950...

Sometime before Christmas Day 1950 my Uncle Johnny had a falling out with the rest of my Mother’s Side of our Family or the rest of my Mother’s Side of our Family had a falling out with Uncle Johnny.  The end result was no one in the rest of the family was talking to Uncle Johnny and Uncle Johnny was talking to no one in the rest of the family for an extended period of time before Christmas Day 1950.  It was decided by my Grandpa that it was time to make up {our family used to call it, “Bury the Hatchet”}.

 

Here was the plan:

Ø Grandpa was going to invite Uncle Johnny and Aunt Josephine over for coffee on Christmas night.

Ø The rest of the family was told to arrive at a point in time after Uncle Johnny and Aunt Josephine had arrived.

Ø Uncle Johnny was not told that the rest of the family was coming over for coffee.

Ø After Uncle Johnny was into his coffee, the family would come in and the Burial of the Hatchet would take place.

 

To the best of my recollection these were the participants in The Bigga Peace of 1950:

Ø Grandpa Allessandro {Grandma Lucia was deceased since 1948}.

Ø My Father and Mother.

Ø Uncle Leon {I do not remember Aunt Yvonne being there but she may have been}.

Ø Uncle Malcolm and Aunt Carmela.

Ø Uncle Tony and Aunt Sarah.

Ø Little Person Fella {me age 9}.  I do not remember any other grandchildren being there.

 

It appeared to be a sound plan but it was not sound at all.  All of a sudden Uncle Johnny found himself surrounded by a whole bunch of people who were not talking to him.  Remember he did not know of The Bigga Peace Plan.  His reaction was to immediately get up and go to the room in the back of the house to take a nap.

 

I wandered down the hallway that led to the back of the house and got into my Grandpa’s roll-top desk and preceded to fiddle with things {I loved that roll-top desk}.

 

That left all the conspirators in the kitchen {including Aunt Josephine} drinking coffee but that did not last long.  Uncle Tony started talking real loud about “some people being rude” and how “some people did not have common courtesy” and such.  He was throwing his voice toward the back of the house really well.

 

As I was fiddling in the desk I heard a swish, swish, swish behind me.  I turned to see Uncle Johnny in his sock feet swishing his way up from the back of the house.  It seems he had decided to forgo his nap and had now decided he wanted to punch Uncle Tony in his nose.

 

By the time he got to the kitchen, everyone had jumped up and started shouting and pushing at other family members.  Some were shouting and pushing Uncle Johnny to keep him from getting at Uncle Tony.  Some were shouting and pushing Uncle Tony to keep him from getting at Uncle Johnny.  Uncle Johnny was pushing at and reaching over those that were pushing him in an attempt to get at Uncle Tony’s nose.  Uncle Tony was pushing at and reaching over those that were pushing him in an attempt to get at Uncle Johnny’s nose.

 

The end result was Uncle Tony was pushed out the front door of the house.  {I’m not sure I had ever seen that door open before that night.}  Uncle Johnny was held in check in the kitchen.

 

I remember going out the front door with that part of our shouting and pushing family.  I remember hovering around the outside group in the street on the General Taylor Street side of the house.  I don’t know if the outside group came in or the inside group came out but the next thing I remember was everyone and their noses sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee together.  Yes, dear reader, Uncle Johnny’s nose and Uncle Tony’s nose were at the table with the rest of the family’s noses.

 

The Bigga Peace of 1950 had worked like a charm.

 

Would I kid u?

FellaO (Formerly Little Person Fella)

Sunday, May 13, 2018

You Absolutely Defend My Right To Freedom Of Speech...Or Do You?

We hear a lot of talk in the Good Ole USofA these days about Freedom of Speech being under attack. There is a simple reason why we hear this talk about Freedom of Speech being under attack and it is simply because Freedom of Speech is under attack. 

The attackers almost always start with an Affirmation In Defense of Freedom of Speech...

Ø I absolutely defend your right to say what you think but it is unacceptable for you to say something that is insulting about another person.

Ø Of course, you can say anything you want to in the Good Ole USofA but what you just said is beyond the pale.

Ø You are free to say anything you want to say but you just hurt my feelings.

 

There are times when I think the world would be a better place if the word “but” had not been invented.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Wednesday, May 09, 2018

Stop Producing Those Widgets! We Have Got To Have A Meeting!

When I was still working I found myself surrounded by Meet-Up America. The company I worked for had lots of meetings. It had meetings to plan upcoming meetings.

It got so bad that we called the Telephone the Meetephone. Almost every time it rang, it was a Meeting Set-up Person calling to set up a meeting. We laughed about it but it really wasn’t that funny.

I started telling the breathless and excited Meeting Set-up Person that I was not going to attend their meeting because my contract with the company only required me to attend 2,793 meetings each year and I had passed that number on April 21st.

The caller sounded confused and disappointed. I always relented and went to their meeting because, I had learned through the years, that something important would be said every 4th or 5th meetings and I did not want to miss out on that exciting information.
------------------------
The Foregone Conclusion Meeting
We were once called into Short Notice Emergency Meeting. These types of meetings were usually exciting. This one proved to be shocking to someone like me who had always been Task Orientated.
*************************************************
Allow me to digress...
I was actually criticized by a supervisor one time for being Task Orientated. It took me a moment to understand that I was being criticized because I knew I was of such an orientation but, up until that moment, I had always thought that being Task Orientated was a good thing.

I asked what was I to strive to be if I were to correct this deficiency. I was told I should re-make myself to be more People Orientated. I was sitting in a position where I could not see myself but, if I had been able to see myself, I am sure I would have seen myself sitting there with my mouth open.

It was not long after this happening that I retired. I welcomed retirement because I was having a hard time walking away from all those unfinished tasks and instead throwing myself into those seemingly never-ending Birthday Parties, Anniversary Parties, Birth Announcement Parties, Dog Adoption Parties and Retirement Parties.

I was training myself to sing loudly. This was a hard thing for me to adapt to because I had always believed no one should hear me sing, no matter how special the special occasion was.
*************************************************
I am done digressing. Let’s get back to the Short Notice Emergency Meeting I started to tell you about above...

The meeting had been called to develop a Plan of Action to address a very important issue that Cecil (our boss) was concerned about. We had been directed to put our heads together and develop a plan to take away Cecil’s anxiety.

We had yet to make much progress when Missing Ralph came in. He was not always missing and today we did not know he was missing until he came in late.

We could all tell immediately by his body language that he was excited. He told us that he had gone to talk with Big Cecil before he came to our meeting in order to pick Cecil’s brain and get a sense of how Cecil felt about the Important Issue which had caused him to direct us to hold Short Notice Emergency Meeting.

Missing, but now no longer missing, Ralph was so pleased because he now knew what Cecil hoped would be the Plan of Action our Short Notice Emergency Meeting would recommend to him as the prudent way to go.

The Short Notice Emergency Meeting then moved forward quickly as its members assembled Cecil’s Prudent Course of Action into a smooth presentation to recommend to Cecil for his approval.

At some point during the meeting, I interrupted my fellow workers and stated that I thought Cecil might like to know what we thought about how to address this important issue rather than what he thought about how to address this important issue.

My fellow workers were never rude but were very practiced at looking at me with disdain and they were anxious to get this meeting over with because there Dog Adoption Party scheduled to start shortly. They looked at me with such disdain that I felt my body start to quiver to the point where I thought Scotty from Star Trek had latched onto me and was starting to beam me up.

The end result was Cecil did quickly approve our meeting’s Prudent Course of Action which he should have approved because it actually was his Prudent Course of Action before it was the Short Notice Emergency Meeting’s Prudent Course of action.

I’m sure Cecil was really impressed with how clear thinking, logical and organized the Short Notice Emergency Meeting Members were.

After the Disdaining, Fella just sat there with his mouth open.
------------------------
Meet-Up America does not know it but its Vision Statement goes something like this...
At Bigger and Better Widgets, Inc. we are committed to conducting ever bigger and better Planning Meetings in order to lay out complicated Plans of Action about how we could make our Widgets faster and in greater quantity if only we were not always in Planning Meetings dedicated to developing complicated Plans of Action about how we could make things faster and in greater quantity.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella


Sunday, May 06, 2018

Anonymous Lawyering...Another Step On The Road To Confusion

I have written in the past about Mr. Anonymous. He is everywhere. He comments about all kinds of issues and reveals all kinds of secret stuff and no one knows who he is.

 

My newspaper tells me that the highest ranking female executive at a major American Corporation has quit her job after her arrest over alleged illegal drug imports into the country of Japan.

 

My newspaper goes on to tell me that she submitted her resignation through her lawyer and here is where I start getting confused... The Identity Of Her Lawyer Wasn’t Known.

 

I know lawyers can be a tricky lot but how exactly did Mr. Anonymous Lawyer go about handling his client’s resignation while keeping anyone from knowing it was he who was handling his client’s resignation? (I made an assumption that Mr. Anonymous Lawyer was a “he” but we don’t know that do we?)...

Ø  Did he call in and resign for her while holding a handkerchief over the phone’s mouthpiece?

Ø  Did he resign for her while by sending a Tweet from another Twit’s Tweeting Account?

Ø  Did he resign for her in a courtroom while wearing a bag over his head?

 

The bigger question is why was it important that he remain Anonymous? If our senators can stand up in the Well of the Senate (whatever that is) and make fools of themselves for all to see, why can’t a lawyer stand up and publically handle a resignation?


To carry this Foolishness a bit further, why is only the Lawyer afforded the ability to remain Anonymous? It seems to me that the Resigning Female Executive ought to be allowed the same courtesy and she should have been allowed to remain Anonymous also.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella