I Can Do a Better Job … Just Watch Me

Here is what’s wrong with Governmental Bureaucracy…

Imagine I am employed by the Federal Government and I am assigned the task of coming up with the wording for an Executive Order that will tell all government employees that they should not Text Message while driving a government vehicle. I am given this assignment 10 minutes before quitting time.

Being well qualified for my assigned responsibilities (as are all bureaucrats) I immediately put my nose to the ole grindstone. As is usually the case, I am at Happy Hour 5 minutes after quitting time.

Here is what I came up with, “All government employees are not allowed to text message while driving government vehicles”.

Did I do well? I think I did, if I do say so myself.

On October 1, 2009 our federal government issues an Executive Order that addressed this same subject…
• It is 3 pages long.
• It contains 1,071 words.
• It is much harder to understand than my 13 words above.

To belabor the point even further, here is the part that defines “Driving”…
“(c) "Driving" means operating a motor vehicle on an active roadway with the motor running, including while temporarily stationary because of traffic, a traffic light or stop sign, or otherwise. It does not include operating a motor vehicle with or without the motor running when one has pulled over to the side of, or off, an active roadway and has halted in a location where one can safely remain stationary.”

They just used 69 words to define “driving” while I used 13 words to put to bed the entire Executive Order.

In case you want to read all 1,071 words of the official Executive Order on Texting, go to…
http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/other/other/Federal_Leadership_On_Reducing_Text_Messaging_While_Driving.pdf

If you do take the time to read the entire 1,071 words, as you are reading them, keep thinking to yourself…“All government employees are not allowed to text message while driving government vehicles”. Enough is enough.

Would I kid u?

Making Progress With Regard To My Simple Requests

Within days of the presidential election last fall, I wrote a letter to our new president asking for ten very logical modifications to the world around me. As the months wore on I began to fear that my wishes might not be getting the proper amount of attention. I kept telling myself that the new guy seemed to be really busy and I clung to the hope that he would get to work on my requests any day now. Anyone can clearly see that these simple requests are really essential to the fabric of America.

I was thrilled to read in the AJC of December 15, 2009 that there appears to be something stirring around my third request …
“Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People”.
I am so excited!

The news article headline…
Bill would quiet blaring TV ads
The sub-headline…
Lawmakers move to address viewer complaints.

I, however, am made a little uneasy about just how firm the commitment is to this particular concern of mine when I read in the article the following legal mumbo jumbo …
“Managing the transition between programs and ads without spoiling the artistic intent of the producers...”

What the heck does artistic intent have to do with wakening me up from my TV nap? Just what is so artistic about shouting at me?

My fear is that politics will water it down. In the end we will find that the advertising commercial’s volume is essentially unchanged or even louder once the people involved really focus in on artistic intent. Who of us would want to be seen as against artistic intent?

Maybe the best that I can hope for is a federal subsidy to all of the folks back home to be used for the purchase of ear plugs. My hopes are not on firm footing here either because I can hear the TV Advertiser’s Attorney’s impassioned plea, “Your honor, the wearing of ear plugs is an unconstitutional attempt to interfere with the artistic functional transitional projection rights of my client, as was originally intended by our founding fathers”.

Would I kid u?
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You can stop reading now or, if you want a refresher, here is the original Foolishness…Or Is It? referred to above…
Dear Mr. New President
Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication…

 Tattoos … Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.
 Tattoos Again … Until you get legislation passed regarding my tattoo request above, please electronically put those smudges that hide the faces of criminals on the nightly news over all of their tattoos.
 Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People.
 RAP Artists … Require that they get real names and learn how to spell.
 Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.
 Postal Service … Require that the Counter Agents at the Post Offices smile once an hour.
 Postal Service Again … Require that Counter Agents not go on break as soon as the number of people waiting in line gets to six.
 Privacy Notices … Stop sending those Privacy Notices every time we turn around and have the heads examined of the three people in the Country that actually do read them.
 Dumb White Guys … Stop TV commercial makers from always depicting the White Males as ignorant buffoons. I find it unrealistic and insulting that we have to always be instructed how to do anything and everything by every other type of species on the planet. This includes other men, women, children and talking animals.
 SUV Drivers … Those SUV Drivers that can't seem to fit their vehicles within the lines of their respective parking spaces should have their SUV taken away and replaced with a Yugo.
Mr. President, I am well aware that you may have one or two more pressing issues on your plate than some of my requests. I trust that you will do your best to get right on what I am asking of you because, I am equally certain, you can see that the need for action on each of these pressing issues is self-evident.

Please do instruct your Chief Of Staff to advise me once these ten have been addressed and I will send you some more.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella?

Headline That Never Was

The headline that never was is…
“Vince Lombardi Strangles One of His Players with His Own Bear Hands”

The Smartfella? is dead serious. This headline could have come about if one of Lombardi's players had come into his office before the big game and said, “I’m sorry, coach but I can’t play in the big game this Sunday because I have Turf Toe”.

There is no doubt that, if this had happened, Lombardi would have shouted, “You expect me to pay you $200 for not playing in the big game because your toe hurts?” As he was shouting he would have jumped across his desk and choked the life out of the player with the bad toe.

Turf Toe had not been invented in Vince’s coaching days. That is the only thing that stood between Lombardi being a coaching legend and a convicted murder.

Now I am reading where Turf Toe has evolved into Chronic Turf Toe. As Vince went looking for his dictionary to find out what “chronic” meant, the toe-challenged player probably would have seen his chance to save his life by slipping away. If he was smart enough to be paid $200 a game, he was smart enough to have seen the impending danger and would have gotten away before Lombardi came storming back in.

Would I kid u?

Stringent and Comprehensive Anti-Distraction Driving Policy

Atlanta is not going to take it anymore! According to the AJC on December 11, 2009…
(For those outside of Atlanta, MARTA is the agency that runs our public transportation system.)
“As mass transit crashes have increasingly been linked to driver distractions like cell phones and texting, MARTA has issued a new ban. The agency in a statement calls it “one of the most stringent and comprehensive anti-distracted driving policies in the nation.”

“Under the ban, employees may not operate MARTA equipment while using a cell phone or other electronic device, or while eating, drinking, reading, reaching for fallen items or otherwise engaging in distracting activities.”

What has the Smartfella? confused is why is a policy of any degree of stringency needed for this situation? Do Americans not have enough common sense left to not have to be told to avoid doing stupid things?

Are we going to see more of this foolish nonsense in the future? …
• School Board … We understand that driving a school bus can sometimes be boring but, from now on, school bus drivers are not allowed to drive their busses over cliffs, if there are children on board their bus at the time of the drive over.
• Zoo Visitors … Even though it is a lot shorter to walk through the lion’s den to get to the concession stand, this practice is herewith absolutely forbidden.
• Airline Passengers … Airplane passenger cabins can become stuffy on long flight but passengers are no longer allowed to use a fire extinguisher to break out their windows.

The Smartfella? is considerate of his readers’ time and, therefore, he did not reproduce the entire news article. The part I left out was that MARTA Police are exempt from the Stringent and Comprehensive Anti-Distraction Driving Policy when it comes to eating donuts. Police know how to handle donuts.

Would I kid u?

New and Improved … Or Is It?

Sun-Maid Girl Makeover Sparks Controversy
by Brett Michael Dykes
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
(Excerpts in bold italics below were taken from the larger article.)
“Naturally, the revamped look hasn't gone unnoticed, rankling both ends of the political spectrum. The blog for conservative magazine The Weekly Standard noted that the new Sun-Maid girl looks "as if Julia Roberts decided to don a red bonnet and start picking grapes," while the feminist website Jezebel.com remarked that it looks as if she's had “some implants.”

Though the new look for the raisin girl has been garnering attention of late, the changes to the 90-year-old icon were actually introduced three years ago.”
Old
New

Are there really people who sit around just waiting for something to get offended and/or agitated about?

Considering all the dastardly happenings that are happening every minute of every day, is this issue really important?

This story does make the Smartfella? wonder what have these watchdogs been up to for the last three years? As you read above, this terrible happening happened three years ago. You would think that when it did finally come to the watchdogs’ attention they might quietly have just fired the staffer responsible for uncovering such evil. Then they could have concentrated their full attention toward trying to get us excited about something really injurious to the fabric of America like Tiger Woods.

The Smartfella? is also in a quandary about another part of this story. How does one go about implanting implants in a drawn figure? Does one draw the drawn figure and then have it sent off to a hospital and have some highly specialized surgical team do the implanting?

I also wonder if the original Sun-Maid Girl is sitting on her shelf somewhere wishing Implant Technology had been around when she was first drawn 90 years ago.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella? Just Got Back From New York City

Here is what caught my eye…
• Individual Walking…
o A significant number of people cannot walk the streets of NYC without earphones sticking in their ears.
o The rest of them cannot walk the streets without talking on their cell phones.
• Group Walking… All NYC residents live in apartments but they are not permitted to be in their apartments any more than six hours a day. By law they are required to walk up and down the streets the other eighteen hours.
• English Speaking Walkers… There are none.
• Multitasking… Some NYC residents have acquired the ability to talk on their cell phones and type on their computers at the same time.
• Corned Beef Sandwiches… $15.
• New York Times… $6 on Sundays.
• Waiter in Little Italy… I have been drinking Dark beers more than forty years. One of my favorite Dark beers is Heineken Dark. I asked my waiter if his establishment had Heineken Dark. He looked me right in my ignorant eyes and said, “Heineken does not make a Dark beer".
• Cabs… Every fifth car on NYC streets is not a cab.
• Airline Food… A single ginger tasting cracker.
• Pleasant Surprise… The people (except the above mentioned waiter) were friendly.
• Saddest Thing I Saw… Nine o’clock mass in a huge Catholic Church had somewhere between 40 & 50 people in it. You would think that, in a city of more than 19,000,000, people they could have scrapped up more than that.
• Fashion Trend Coming To Your Feet… You are going to love your feet! I saw numerous people wearing old fashioned looking tennis shoes (Converse/Keds) that were either bright Purple or bright Pink (men were wearing pink too).

Would I kid u?

GrandmaNearYou.com

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Back when my Mother used to visit us for various holidays we flew her to wherever we were living at that time...Los Angeles or Detroit or Milwaukee or Detroit (again) or Atlanta or Los Angeles (again) or Atlanta (again). My family was always excited to see her, especially since she was sure to be carrying 5 pounds of Cousin George’s Italian Sausage and several jars of Ma Brown Kosher Dill Pickles (I have never found them outside of New Orleans).

One visit, as my family and I sat waiting in an airport for her to deplane, I watched all the Grandmas from all over the United States who had flown in for the holiday. The idea for this Sure Fire Money Making New Venture hit me like a thunderbolt!

Why not use the computer technology that we have now developed to locate a Grandma that is closer to the where your family lives and bring this, more conveniently located, Grandma over for the holiday? The family whose Grandma you "took" could do the same with a Grandma in their own neighborhood. The computer data bank of available Grandmas could do the locating and arrange for the pick ups and drop offs, etc.

In making this suggestion, I am not being heartless because the Grandma that you had been intending to fly in, at great expense, would likely just have to go a few blocks to her new Holiday Family. On your end you would save a bundle in airfare. (As we roll out this idea, we will surely face strong opposition in Washington, D.C. from the evil paid lobbyists of the Airline Industry.)

The further benefits for the Stay At Home Grandmas are too numerous to list in their entirety but here is a few of the obvious ones:

• Would not have to pack and unpack her suitcases.


• Would not have to stop the newspaper.


• Would not have to stop the mail.


• Would not have to put the dog or cat in a kennel.


• Would not have to get herself to the airport.


• Would not have to suffer the humiliation of being frisked (while that guy with the two foot long beard wearing a robe walked right by her).


• Would not have to have to take off her shoes during the frisking process.


• Would not have to sit in a cramped airplane for hours.


• Would not have to eat airline snacks (they used to get actual food that they would not have to eat).


• Would not have to be endangered by terrorists.


• Would not have to sleep on an unfamiliar bed and pillow while visiting.


• Would not have to fly back home and again be exposed to all the above airline persecutions.

Heaven knows that a lot of American Males would jump at the opportunity to have a different Mother-In-Law.

Variety could also be added to your life because your new Grandma quite possibly would introduce your family to her own special cooking talents.

Again computer technology could be used to make this a Win-Win Proposition for all involved by use of computer technology to tailor make your conveniently located grandma. The form where you applied for your substitute Grandma would allow you to fine tune your replacement Grandma…
You would be able to pick from one of the following:

• Black hair


• Brown hair


• Red hair


• Grey hair


• Blue hair

You would be able to specify a cooking specialty:

• Italian


• Mexican


• French


• German


• Chinese
  

You would be able to select a nationality:

• Anything but French

The potential of this brilliant (if I do say so myself) idea is boundless! This may be your last chance to become one of the Filthly Rich.

Become a Charter Owner of GrandmasNearYou.com today! Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Send your check to:
GrandmaNearYou.com
c/o The Smartfella?
What A Deal, GA 30096

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Would I kid you?