Wednesday, October 29, 2014

That’s Crazy...Or Is It?

The first time we hear a Crazy Idea we say to our collective selves, “That’s a Crazy Idea”.

The next time we hear that Crazy Idea we say to our collective selves, “There’s that Crazy Idea again!”

The next time we hear that Crazy Idea discussed it is a bunch of Talking Heads on TV and the Crazy Part is gone and they are talking about a Topical Idea of the Day.

The first time we heard that the former mayor of New York City wanted to shoot anyone who drank a big sugary soda in his city most of us thought he was being silly. Thank heaven the courts got involved and stopped him and his sweet police after only a few people were shot.

In the old days that would have been the end of such an idea but not in today’s Good Ole USofA. Not by a long shot. Now we have...

  • Representative Rosa DeLauro of Connecticut recently launched the first national effort in years to tax soda drinks.
  • The Connecticut lawmaker is under no illusion about the chances that her Sugar-Sweetened Beverages Tax Act will become law.
  • She does not even expect the bill to come to a vote.
  • However, she is forging ahead anyway anyway.
  • DeLauro said, "We have a serious health problem. It is in part related to the consumption of sugar and added sugars and sugary beverages. Therefore we need to move to do something to avert this crisis."
  • DeLauro's legislation would levy a one-cent tax on manufacturers for every teaspoon of sugar in their beverages.
  • San Francisco and Berkeley will hold ballot measures to introduce soda taxes in November.

(Why is it that the remedies proposed to real or imagined maladies in our society always involve the levying of higher taxes?)

As is usually the case, the Smartfella has alternative courses of action to propose...

  • How about an Absence of Taxes Tax? Imagine the number of children we could help with the revenue that could be generated by taxing everything.
  • Sugar now and salt next. Actually a Salt Tax should have been before a sugar tax. We could go a long way to eliminating poverty in the Good Ole USofA by levying a one cent tax for every time one of us shook a salt shaker over our food.
  • Stupidity would generate a humongous amount of revenue. We could start with that college student I saw on TV the other day who proposed that we fight the ISIS Terrorists by dropping food on them.

Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: More than one breathless Connecticut Voter has been heard to say, “I’ll follow Rosa DeLauro anywhere”. Looking at her all dressed up below you can easily see why... Or can you?

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Days Of The U.S. Postal Service Are Coming To An End If...

Based on the never ending volume of mail received at my house all year every week it is my considered opinion that the only thing keeping the U.S. Postal Service alive is Publishers Clearing House.

If Publishers Clearing House goes out of business the U.S. Postal Service will be gone within a week.

Would I kid u?



Monday, October 27, 2014

Politicians Worry About Mission Creep...The Smartfella Worries About Government Creep

This happens all the time. Our rulers in Washington D.C. see a wrong & decide to right that wrong. To do this they pass, what seems to be, a simple piece of legislation. Immediately that simple law begins to be expanded until it becomes a large Legislative Octopus with very long tentacles & becomes impossible to stop.

Want an example?...

When the Endangered Species Act passed in 1973, the concern was that iconic species such as the bald eagle would become extinct. The main threats were from shooting, poisoning and trapping.

I repeat... Shooting, Poisoning & Trapping needed to be addressed. Before we knew what was happening the law was reworked to address harassment, harming, pursuing, hunting, shooting, wounding, killing, trapping, capturing, collecting or attempting to engage in any such conduct.

The lawyers started licking their chops. Then the expansion was expanded to include the “taking” of habitat that harbors—or could harbor—endangered species.

Shoes started dropping all over the Good Ole USofA. One of the shoes landed on a North Carolina landowner who was arrested and threatened with fines and jail time for cutting down old-growth pine trees on his property because the trees could potentially provide habitat for endangered red-cockaded woodpeckers.

Imagine your confusion if you were sitting in jail wondering why you had been incarcerated because you had committed a crime of, “Could Potentially”.


Did you just think to yourself that I had not made my case? Please forgive me & allow me to try again.

Children Shooting Children in school just begs our rulers to take action. I’m not going to argue with trying to address this issue but here is what Congress did...

They passed the Zero-Tolerance Approach to address this awful phenomenon as part of the 1994 Gun-Free Schools Act. I’m still not arguing but before we could turn around the law was expanded to Other Weapons ... then to Drug Contraband ... then to Ordinary Violations of School Rules, Disrespect & Skipping Class. It eventually became an across the board response to disciplinary problems.”

Over the past 19 years, prompted by changing police tactics and a zero-tolerance attitude toward small crimes, the FBI estimates authorities have made more than a quarter of a billion arrests. Nearly one out of every three American adults is on file in the FBI’s master criminal database. All too many of these “criminals” made their way into the FBI’s Database as students...

  • A small pocketknife got a student charged with weapons possession.
  • A 12-year-old seventh-grader was arrested & charged with disturbing the peace on school property after a minor hallway altercation.
  • A student got a misdemeanor ticket for wearing too much perfume.
  • A teen was charged with theft after sharing the chicken nuggets from a classmate’s meal—the classmate was on lunch assistance and sharing it meant the teen had violated the law.
  • A student conducted a science experiment before the authorization of her teacher & when it went awry she received a felony weapons charge.
  • Talking back or disrupting class has resulted in charges of disorderly conduct.
  • Fights in school have lead to assault and battery charges &/or suspensions.
  • I already blogged about the 7 year old who chewed his breakfast pastry into the form of a gun. This little terrible person was suspended from school for 2 days...


Back in my High School years Farther Heiter would have been shocked if someone had mentioned the possibility of a Criminal Record for a fist fight in his school yard.

He loved fist fights because they gave him the opportunity to get out the Boxing Gloves instead of calling the police. If someone had run to the phone booth & called the police, here is what they would have witnessed when they arrived & they would have loved the happening...

  • Father Heiter first stepped between the combatants & told bystanders to hold the two angry youths apart.
  • He ran (yes he actually ran), with a big smile on his face (yes he actually had a big smile on his face), to get his boxing gloves.
  • The students not doing any holding apart automatically formed a square “ring”.
  • The good father returned, had the combatants put the gloves on & we all were treated to a schoolyard brawl.
  • When he thought enough was enough, Father Heiter stepped between, stopped the fisticuffs & had the once angry, but now more tired than angry, students shake hands.

It was great fun, no one got hurt, no one got a criminal record & no one went to jail.


Before I evolved into the Fella I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Industry. This happened over and over...

  • A manufacturer saw a consumer need for a Small Car.
  • It built a small car.
  • Every few years that small car was retooled & we would hear the manufacturer advertising, “Our Small Car Is Bigger Than Your Small Car”.

Before long the confused public was heard to say, “Is that a Pinto or is it a Lincoln Town Car?

Would I kid u?



Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Congress Fixes Another Thorny Issue

Check out that Domino behind the Domino you are about to push over before you push it over. Dominos are very heavy & almost impossible to pick back up.

Congress takes note that all those 18 Wheelers on our highways are causing lots of problems...

  • They tear up our highway system requiring us to have to pay huge sums to maintain & repair them.
  • Highways are more expensive to begin with because of the extra durability that must be constructed into them because of the heavy duty wear & tear they inflict on the roadbeds.
  • They take up a lot of room causing tremendous traffic congestion.
  • They kill lots of people every year in all the accidents they are involved in & they actually cause many of the accidents in the first place.
  • They pollute & pollute & pollute some more.

Congress springs into action and bans all 18 Wheelers from our Interstate Highway System.

Immediately Dominos fall all over Congress...

  • Overnight there is a shortage of darn near everything in the Good Ole USofA that those Big Trucks used to deliver.
  • Congress reacts by telling the business community to construct manufacturing plants all over the Good Ole USofA.
  • Senator Foghorn Leghorn looks the Transportation Industry right in their formerly rich faces & tells them, “Why should you have all this manufacturing capability spread all over? It does not make sense! Building your Widgets right across the street from the consumers makes all the sense in the world!”
  • The Transportation Industry complies & builds thousands of new manufacturing plants but overnight there is a shortage of workers caused by all these new manufacturing facilities.
  • Congress enacts a plan to go into Africa & capture people & bring them over to the Good Ole USofA to work in the many factories.
  • Some people call these new workers Slaves. Others call them Relocated Staffing.
  • Since many of the new factories are seasonal a problem arises where the factory workers must constantly be moved around the country to man the different seasonal assembly lines.
  • Again Congress saves the day by authorizing thousands of 18 Wheelers to transport the workers.
  • Since the trucks are everywhere going everywhere, Congress authorizes the trucks to carry toothpaste, tomatoes, widgets & such.
  • The commodities authorized to be transported grows dramatically until there is no room for workers.

How to get the workers from place to place is still up in the air but we do not have to worry about that because Congress has set up a Blue Ribbon Panel to study the issue. Anonymous Sources inside the committee tell us that the committee is leaning heavily toward authorizing a lot more 18 Wheelers.

Remember the Yellow Cab Slogan. “A Thinking Fellow Rides A Yellow”? Watching Congress function is like it was operating a cab company called Circle Cabs & its slogan is, “A Thinking Fellow Rides Around In Circles”.

Would I kid u?



Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Proverbial Slippery Slope Is Alive & Well

There was a time when a female showed her ankle in public and all who saw it were shocked. That bare ankle slid down the Slippery Slope and next thing we knew we are hearing dialog like this on Jimmy Kimmel Live...

Earlier this week, Portia De Rossi appeared on her wife Ellen DeGeneres' eponymous talk show to discuss her role on Scandal and to dispel ongoing reports that they're secretly planning to have a baby. The 41-year-old actress readdressed both topics when she appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Thursday.

"It's been a while," Jimmy Kimmel told her. "I haven't seen you for a little bit of time." De Rossi replied, "Actually, I think the last time we saw each other, we were in bed together. It was you, me and Ellen."

"My first and only threesome," the late-night comedian joked.”

Later on he asked his guest about "rumors that [she] and Ellen are going to have a baby. Is there anything to that?"

Groaning, de Rossi said, "Oh, I know. I know. Oh, gosh. It's just one big rumor that doesn't seem to go away, and at this point, I feel like I'm disappointing the whole of America”...

This from The Fella to Portia De Rossi...

Do you think you are so important that the whole of America is hanging on your every move or not move? Actually most of us do not even know who you are and, now that we do, we don’t really care whether you move or don’t move.

I for one had never heard of Portia De Rossi till now. Don’t email me back and tell me who she is. I can Google her but I probably already know all I want to know about her.

Reminds me of the time Dr. Watson told Sherlock Holmes that the Moon revolved around the Earth. Sherlock replied that, until this point in his life, he had never heard of this fact and now that he had heard it he was going to forget it because he did not need to know it.

That’s the way The Fella feels about Portia De Rossi & her moves & not moves. I understand that Portia De Rossi does not care about The Fella’s moves & not moves but, after much soul searching, I have decided I can handle it.

Would I kid u?



Friday, October 17, 2014

Sorry, Mr. President, We’re Too Busy Right Now To Comply With Your Request

As much as I try to stay Apolitical, some of you may have figured out my political leanings but I will persist in trying to stay Blog Neutral in this posting.

Actually, I am going to ask each of you to forget your own political leanings and read this Blog Posting as if you do not know which way you lean.

Global Warming

One Side of the Argument:

The Polar Ice Caps ARE NOT Melting & Are Bigger Now Than They Have Ever Been

Other Side of the Argument:

The Polar Ice Caps Are Melting & By Next Thursday You Will Be Sorry You Ever Doubted This Obvious Fact

Whichever side you find yourself on I ought to be able to get you all to agree with this bit of my Foolishness...

I just read in my newspaper that our Secretary of Defense has plans to, “Retool the military to stop glaciers from melting”.

If you think this is a good idea think about it again using the 3 bullets below as your guide...

  • The bad guys just made an amphibious attack through San Francisco Bay.
  • The President calls up the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and orders him to get the military over there and repel the invasion.
  • The Chairman says, “Golly Mr. President, this is awful! Under normal circumstances I would be more than glad to comply with your request but all my Trained & Ready for Battle Worriers are all at the poles manning the Ice Cube Making Machines.”

I guess I’m from the old school. I always thought the military was supposed to go around breaking things.

Would I kid u?



Monday, October 13, 2014

There, I’ve Covered That One. Now I’ll Move On To The Next One

As you watch the nightly news, did you ever get the feeling that you have heard what you are hearing before and there is a familiar structure to all of it?

If you have not had the feeling described above, you should have had it because it happens every night.

The TV Networks use a check list over and over. At present it looks like this...

  • Ebola...Ebola...Ebola.
  • All things ISIS.
  • Polls ad nauseam that instruct us as to what we should think, now that we know what others think.
  • Latest Child Molestation Story.
  • The Upcoming Election (there is always an Upcoming Election). No matter how far away the next one is, it is the Next One, so we speculate, palpate, obsess and worry about it.
  • The latest Record Drug Bust which breaks the record for Record Drug Busts set two nights ago.
  • Boots on the Ground. Boots that ought to be on the Ground. How many Boots would be on the Ground if they were actually on the Ground? When will the Boots be on the Ground? Why are the Boots not on the Ground? How many Boots need we have on the Ground before we have too many Boots on the Ground? What will be the average size of the Boots on the Ground once they actually do get on the Ground?

Back in the Archives next to Indiana Jones’ Lost Arc is the Old Check List that TV News Broadcasters used years ago before Good News became No News. It looked something like this...

  • The latest inventions that will be of great benefit to all of us.
  • Teasers about what we could expect on Ozzie & Harriet that night.
  • Why Charitable Donations continue to be of such importance to the very fabric of this Great Country.
  • Now that the price of Sliced Boiled Ham has gone over $.27 a pound, will Americans start eating Steak instead of Ham?
  • Is that Buckle on the Back that teenagers are wearing on the back of their trousers a precursor to teens walking around with their pants falling down with most of their underwear showing?

Would I kid u?