Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Acknowledging My Own Ignorance

Fermented Foods are good for us all. In my own case I have been introduced to Fermented Pickles. Up until now I have been completely ignorant about Fermented Pickles let alone the boundless wonders of Fermentation.

 

Here is the Fermentation Is Good For Us List...

Ø Is can aid digestion.

Ø It can restore the colonies of healthy bacteria (flora) in the gut. (Gut is another name for the Alimentary Canal. Alimentary Canal is the place where food is digested and adsorbed into the body. This includes the stomach and the intestines.)

Ø It can lessen or reduce allergies.

Ø It can reduce plaque bacteria in the mouth, resulting in fewer cavities and healthier gums.

Ø It can cause people to lose weight more easily.

Ø It can help prevent arthritis.

Ø It can help prevent atherosclerosis.

 

It looks to me like, if I start bulking up on Fermented Foods, Medicare is going to have to come after me in about 30 years and beat me to death with a stick.

 

I sure hope they come out to take that stick to me right before I run out of money.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It’s At Times Like These That My Dear Readers Are Thankful That They Are My Dear Readers

There is much in the news at present about Saudi Arabia and a new face is being presented regarding this Kingdom and how they treat women.

 

Historically Saudi Arabia has not allowed women to be full participants in their work force and, shockingly, has not allowed women to drive cars.

 

A very eloquent spokesman was interviewed last night on the news show I was watching and he spoke up in defense of his country...

Ø Women are now being allowed into the workforce and they are not artificially being barred from rising as far as their abilities will take them.

Ø To prove his point he said that there actually are Saudi Arabian Women who have been promoted into positions as high as CEO, CFO and President of major corporations.

 

The interviewer was surprised and seemed really impressed as he was told this information by the eloquent spokesman.

 

The Smartfella is not so easily fooled and he saw right through this Smokescreen of Deceptive Misinformation. If you were easily fooled as you read the two bullet points above, this is where being one of my Dear Readers can be so beneficial to you.

 

Having been trained by the Late Paul Harvey to always tell The Rest of the Story (he just paid me another visit in my computer pecking room) I will now allow you to benefit from my vast store of knowledge about this Eloquent Deception and I will tell you The Rest of the Story...

Ø It is a fact that the Saudis have been appointing women to lofty corporate positions such as CEO, CFO and President.

Ø It is also true that, since Saudi women are not allowed to drive, they are unable to make it to work on time.

Ø Every one of these CEO, CFO and President Female Executives have been fired for Cause beCause they are repeatedly arriving late for work.

Ø The average time in these high positions for Female CEOs, CFOs and Presidents was between 17 and 21 days.

 

If you were taken in by this Saudi Deception, don’t feel too badly. You can rest assured that you are one of the few that actually has the Straight Skinny because you are a Dear Reader of my Blog.

 

It is really a shame that “Few” and “Dear Readers” so often appear next to each other in the same sentence.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Heckling Is In

Too often we see those of us who are still brave enough to try and communicate Heckled for their attempt to communicate. Often times the Heckler seems to win the day. That’s because the Heckler can be Rude and the Communicator isn’t allowed to be Rude and Rude is accepted more than Communicating.

 

A short while back our New United Nations Ambassador found herself attacked about the Syrian Refugee Situation. (Now there is a subject that no one has an answer to but far too many “experts” have opinions about.)

 

Nikki Haley was now written an article about the Refugee Situation and the Heckling Episode. Here are a couple of excerpts:

 

First 2 paragraphs...

“I was onstage at the end of a very long day when the heckling started.

 

I was telling an international women’s conference about how, earlier that day, I had stood up in the United Nations Security Council to condemn Syria for a chemical-weapons attack that had put dead children on the front pages of the world’s newspapers. I was about to get to the part about how the U.S. would act to stop future chemical attacks when someone in the audience shouted: ‘What about the refugees?’

 

There are numerous articles that have been written about the fact that Nikki Haley Fell Silent. People in her position are expected to have all the numbers and all the glib rebuttals at their finger tips. Nikki Haley was, therefore, “convicted” because she Fell Silent and the Heckler was declared the Winner.

 

Her article went on to say...

“The heckling was rude, but the question was legitimate. The Syrian war has created one of the greatest refugee crises of our time, with 12 million Syrian men, women and children—half the prewar population—killed or forced to flee their homes. What is happening in Syria and its neighboring countries is a true humanitarian crisis. But those who accuse the U.S. of heartlessness in the face of this crisis are wrong.

 

No country has invested more in protecting, housing, feeding and caring for Syrian refugees than the U.S. We have provided nearly $6.5 billion in emergency assistance for Syria since the start of the crisis. Inside Syria, some four million people benefit from U.S. assistance for essentials like food and shelter every month.”

 

The sad part is the Victorious Heckler will likely not read the above 2 paragraphs. She is probably busy composing another Four-Word Heckle to show how “smart” she is.

 

If she did read the 2 paragraphs, the Heckler would surely have a glib rebuttal and she would likely say something like, “6.5 ain’t much. Why that’s not even 7.

 

When the heckler has said this, her cohorts will probably clap and jeer and laugh and they would win the day again because the person being heckled just may Fall Silent. After all, how can one effectively respond to such “brilliance”?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I don’t need to remind my dear readers that $6.5 Billion is 6 Thousand 500 Million Dollars...Or do I don’t?

Friday, May 19, 2017

I Continue To Get Ideas For Blog Postings From My Dear Readers

Before I begin, allow me to pause for this Attaboy to Myself from Myself…

I just passed over 69,000 views for Foolishness...Or Is It?!

A Big Thank You goes out to a long-time Dear Reader who sent me this idea for today’s Silliness.

 

Scenario #1...

You have Terrible Acne. You have had it since your teen-age years. All of your friends have grown out of their zits but you must not be one of your own friends because you are still in full bloom.

 

You decide you have had enough. You find a Phone Book (it wasn’t easy) and you find a Dermatologist right around the corner from where you live.

 

You are full of hope as you walk through your new Dermatologist’s office door but your hopes are dashed as soon as the door closes. There in front of you are two Medical Assistant Type People with Zits all over their faces.

 

Would you turn around and leave?

 

Scenario #2...

UPS arrives with a package for you from a long-forgotten Uncle who has died and left you $500,000 in a brown paper bag. You decide you need to have a safe place to store your new-found wealth. You need a bank!

 

You remember where there is a very confidence building looking bank because it is in a big stone building (like in the old days) not is a trailer (like in the new days).

 

You are full of hope as you walk through your new bank’s revolving front door but your hopes are dashed as soon as the door stops revolving. The Bank Guard is wearing a Ski Mask and is holding a Thompson Sub Machine Gun that would make Elliott Ness nervous. The Bank Tellers’ Name Plates read Bruiser, Butch and Sticky Fingers Vito.

 

Would you turn around and leave?

 

Scenario #3...

You are finishing up your Annual Physical with Doctor Welby and you are listening to him give you his Annual Lecture about your Excessive Weight and your High Cholesterol.

 

As he drones on, you find your mind wandering back to...

Ø The guy in the outer office you saw setting up future appointments on the computer who was sitting on two chairs duct taped together.

Ø The Little Room where you had your blood drawn and your blood pressure taken that was almost too small to fit in both you and the plus-sized nurse who attended to you.

 

It was at this point that you bit your tongue and resisted the urge to say to your doctor, “Ah, come on, buster, your waistline alone is a violation of your Hippocratic Oath!”

 

As you resist the temptation to say the above Obvious Fact to your Obviously Fat Doctor it does pass through your mind that “Hippo” is a part of “Hippocratic”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Thursday, May 18, 2017

For 300 Years Definitely Not Resting In Peace

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What gives anybody the right to treat any body like this?

On January 30th 1661 Oliver Cromwell was "executed" more than two years after his death.

 

Make sure you change your will by adding the following words, “Do Not Treat My Head Like Oliver Cromwell’s Head”.

 

Allow me to explain…

When Oliver died in September 1658 the English people were very sad. They cried a lot & gave him a big funeral. They buried him & his head in Westminster Abby. So far so good for Oliver & his head.

 

In 1660 the monarchy was back on the throne. Soon after that Oliver’s body & his head were removed from the Abby. 

And now, The Rest of the Story:

  • January 30, 1661…Oliver’s body was dragged thru the streets. Still wrapped in grave clothes, it was hanged. Six hours later the body was lowered from the gallows & was beheaded. This was a bad beheading. It required 6 or 8 blows by an ax. A few keepsakes were snipped off like finders, toes & an ear. The body was buried in a deep unmarked pit beneath the scaffold. Oliver’s head was paraded thru the streets. The populace hurled insults & garbage at Oliver’s head.
  • Five days later Oliver’s head appeared prominently displayed atop Westminster Hall, affixed to an iron-tipped pole driven thru the crown of the skull. Oliver’s head remained there for many years.
  • One night in 1685 the wind blew Oliver’s head down. A sentry put Oliver’s head beneath his cloak & took it home.

Exactly what happed to the head is not exactly cataloged but the head kept popping up at irregular times & places but its authenticity is fairly certain.

  • At some point the sentry’s daughter sold Oliver’s head to a family in Cambridgeshire.
  • From 1710 to 1738 Oliver’s head was in private London museum.
  • At an uncertain date the Russell family acquired Oliver’s head.
  • Between 1773 & 1780 Oliver’s head descended to the possession of Samuel Russell who had small museum in which Oliver’s head became the prime exhibit on the second floor.
  • At one point Russell tried to sell Oliver’s head to Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge where Oliver’s whole body had been a scholar one year when he was young. The college refused to buy it. It seems they were still mad at Oliver’s head for melting their silver plate to finance his war against Charles I & for imprisoning their headmaster.
  • At a date uncertain, another private museum impresario named James Cox bought Oliver’s head.
  • Soon after buying Oliver’s head, Cox resold Oliver’s head to a trio of speculators for 230 pounds.
  • By 1799 Oliver’s head was again on display in a Bond Street exhibit.
  • In 1814 Josiah Henry Wilkinson bought Oliver’s head & used to take it to parties as a conversation piece & titillated the other guests by passing it around, iron stake & all, while giving lectures on phrenology.
  • For almost a century & a half Oliver’s head stayed in the possession of the Wilkinson family. The family did begin to treat Oliver’s head with more respect.
  • Oliver’s head was subjected to various antiquarian & scientific investigations:
    • In 1911 Oliver’s head was exhibited before the Royal Archaeological Institute.
    • In the 1930’s two “cranial detectives” studied Oliver’s head thoroughly & conclude Oliver’s head was authentic beyond all reasonable doubt.
  • Oliver’s head descended into the Canon Horace Wilkinson family.
  • When Canon died he bequeathed Oliver’s head to Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge. This justified Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge’s earlier decision (around 1790) not to buy Oliver’s head cuz they now got Oliver’s head for free.
  • In 1960 the College gave Oliver’s head a descent burial. Since they could not find where Oliver’s body was buried beneath London’s streets, they buried it near the entrance to the College’s chapel.

The exact spot is secret to prevent any future desecrations at the hands of pranksters, collectors or Irish extremists still angry at Oliver’s head for its treatment of their ancestors at Drogheda & Wexford in 1649. I ask u, why would they think that might happen?

Source: After the Funeral by Edwin Murphy, copyright 1995.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Dead Are Returning To The Earth. Is This The End Of Times?

Napoleon Has Returned To France 202 Years After The Battle Of Waterloo

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New French President Riding To Work

I can hardly wait to see what it will look like the first time he cuts his grass.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Facts Are Facts

INTRODUCTION

(Steve Allen’s Book ‘HiHo Steverino’)

A public figure undertaking to write his autobiography faces at least one problem: so much is already known of him that his story can scarcely hope to surprise the reader at every turn of the narrative. The novelist is under no such handicap. Unhindered by facts, he need be guided only by his imagination, which has unlimited freedom. The autobiographer on the other hand, if he has a conscience, must conform to the details of his history, particularly those which are a matter of public record.

 

I choose to start, therefore, by referring to several elements of my personal history which have been reported by the media. Let me briefly set them down:

 

  • I was born in Chicago.
  • I am Jewish. My first wife was Jewish.
  • I am the third richest man in the entertainment field, after Bob Hope and the late Bing Crosby, with a personal fortune of over 200 million dollars.
  • I play the piano only in the key of G.
  • I write every word of my own comedy material.
  • I am generally procommunist, despite which I at one time recommended bombing China's nuclear facilities.
  • I am a pacifist.
  • I am also a Unitarian.
  • I take drugs.
  • I plan to run for political office.
  • I am the composer of such successful songs as "Misty," "Teach Me Tonight," and "Quando Caliente El Sol."
  • I am a gifted clarinetist, as proven by my performance in the motion picture The Benny Goodman Story.
  • I replaced comedian Jerry Lester on the Tonight show.
  • Though generally affable, I am a man of occasionally violent temper, and in one instance broke the plate glass door of the William Morris Agency building in Beverly Hills, after having been refused admittance late at night by a security guard.

 

Anyone about whom the above specifics are true must be a fascinating fellow, indeed. Unfortunately, I am not nearly so interesting. There is no truth at all to any of the statements listed above, though each has appeared in the public record.

------------------------

May 2017...Today the news is full of stories about Fake News. It looks like Fake News has been with us since at least May 1992 because that’s when Hi Ho Steverino was first published.