Monday, March 04, 2024

Why Do People Do That?

The Internet Is Wonderful! It will explain everything to you. It will allow you to learn about whatever you want to learn about whenever you are ready to lean about it.

For example: If you are like me, I’m sure you have a strong desire to be like me, you have often wondered about this one...Why Do People Get Tattooed? Thanks to me, with the help of the Internet, you are about to find out Why People Get Tattooed...

People get tattoos for various reasons, such as for artistic, cosmetic, sentimental, religious or spiritual reasons, for family and to symbolize their belonging to or identification with particular groups, including criminal gangs or a particular ethnic group or law-abiding subculture. Tattoos can also be for attention, self-expression, artistic freedom, rebellion, a visual display of a personal narrative, reminders of spiritual/cultural traditions, sexual motivation, addiction, identification with a group or even drunken impulsiveness.

Have you ever seen a finer example of a waste of words? You can take your pick of any part of this explanation and think to yourself any one or all of these reasons to ignore what you just read and move onto some other endeavor where your time will be better spent...

Ø Who gives a chit!
i.e.: artistic freedom or identification with a particular ethnic group or rebellion.

Ø Huh?
i.e.: a visual display of a personal narrative or self-expression or cosmetic reasons.

Ø That’s stupid!
i.e.: for sentimental reasons or addiction or sexual motivation.

************

When I saw the last one Even Drunken Impulsiveness it made me harken back to my youth (are you tired of hearing about my youth?) ...

When we were young and we saw a man (in those days it was always a man) with a tattoo it mean 2 things...

Ø He used to be in the Navy.

Ø One night, while in the Navy, he got drunk.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: There was a time, after people looked at their tattooed selves and started to cry, I thought there was a fortune to be made in Tattoo Removal Parlors. As of now, I’m not so sure that will ever happen.


Tuesday, February 27, 2024

Enough Is Enough...Or is it?

     

(I could have titled this Blog Posting Gone With The Wind)

I hope you appreciate what I do for you. You don’t know what I do for you? What I do is stumble through the Internet and find useless but interesting information and I send it your way to brighten your day...Or is it brighten?

I stumbled across a celebrity (even though I never heard of her) who got divorced. The divorce got her $2.5 billion, plus an extra $100 million for 13 years. Unfortunately, she filed for bankruptcy in her 80’s.

In my younger days when I wanted to be sound clever, I was known to say, “The only thing money can’t buy is poverty”. Either George Burns or I invented this bit of cleverness.

George or I may have been clever but many years later, on at this this one occasion, we were proven wrong.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Saturday, February 24, 2024

You Can Never Be Too Safe...Or can you never be?

Ahh, what a wonderful sight! Can’t you just picture it in your mind’s eye (whatever that is)? Two loving parents holding their breath as they watch their darling child struggle to take its first step. In the future there will be millions more steps but this is historic. The is The Big One because this is The First One!

But wait! Something is amiss in your Minds’ Eye. Something’s not right! Ahh ha! I see it! Today’s ever-protective two loving parents have taken steps to protect their darling child from injury. They surrounded their child with protection. For fear of their child falling and bumping something or other, they have equipped their child with a Helmet for its Head, Palm Pads for its Palms, Elbow Pads for its Elbows and Knee Pads for its Knees.


That’s all well and good...Or is it?

The picture below is Modern Child Protective America going to even more extremes...

Seat Belts Have Made Their Way Into The Baby Changing Stations of America’s Men’s Rest Rooms!...


Are We Really Afraid Junior Is Going To Fall Up Then Out Then Down From Of A Baby Changing Station In A Baby Fall Out Proof Men’s Rest Room?

The answer is, Yes! ... But should we be so afraid?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: How long will it be before a Modern American Father, white as a sheet, is going to come rushing out of a Baby Fall Out Proof Men’s Rest Room crying out, “Call 911! I can’t undo the Baby Fall Out Prevention Protective Seat Belt and My Darling Child Is Beginning To Whimper!”

Friday, February 23, 2024

I've Never Done A Blog Posting Like This Before

 

I could not not give recognition to Mr. Anonymous for his Outstanding Commenting Effort to my Blog Posting of February 16, 2024 entitled Somebody Do Something. This was a Herculean Effort if I have ever seen one!

Here it is. Be advised this may bring tears of admiration to your eyes. I only hope it will challenge the rest of you to try to emulate Mr. Anonymous...

Anonymous said...

Are you really blaming the chairs for the company's demise? No joke that my company got rid of all chairs after our CEO read a blog post about how standing desks increase productivity by 35%. Now, everyone is more productive and focused, but worker’s compensation claims for lower back and foot problems are way up. The really bad part is that we had a co-worker in a wheelchair who had to write a memo asking that she be allowed to sit in their wheelchair. The CEO, reluctantly, granted the request, but our co-worker eventually left because she felt singled out when others complained that she wasn’t a 'team player'. The problem isn't the chairs; it's poor management and lack of accountability. Instead of blaming inanimate objects, focus on creating a productive work environment where employees are engaged and motivated. This post is a classic case of misdirected indignation!

I got all teared up all over again!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, February 16, 2024

Somebody Do Something!

Picking a title for this Blog Posting was not easy. Alternative titles just flowed out of me. I could have used, “You Have a Job So Why Ain’t You Working?” or this one would have worked, “Why Are You Just Sitting There?” or this, “Don’t Just Sit There, Do Something!” or, “Are You Asleep?”.

Why are so many “workers” sitting around doing nothing? It’s not their fault because they can’t help themselves. It’s where they are that’s the problem. To be more specific, it’s where their butts are that’s the problem.

If you are their employer, it’s now a really Big Problem for you and the saddest part is you are the one who paid for your own Big Problem and you Paid Big Time!

Did you just say, “Huh?!”

Please allow me to explain.

************

I’ll explain by telling you a story...

There once was a Up And Coming Company that was owned by an Up And Coming Entrepreneur. This entrepreneur was flush with money because his employees were top notch and hard working as all get out. He was so grateful to his hard-working employees that he decided to do something very nice (and very expensive) for his hard-working employees. No employee was left out because, as I said, without exception they were all hard workers.

What he did was buy every employee his/her own X-Chair. Before he made the final decision to authorize this big an expenditure he did pause for a moment because this was a really large amount of money but he quickly moved forward with the purchase because he felt his workers deserved the best because they were the best.

************

And now for The Rest of the Story...

Six months later the company went out of business.

Are you wondering how this could happen? The chairs were very expensive but their cost was not the reason the Up And Coming Company owned by the Up And Coming Entrepreneur went out of business.

It was the chair itself that was the reason for the company’s demise.

I am the Noticer you are not the Noticer. If you were the Noticer, you would know why the Up And Coming Company went out of business. X-Chair actually demonstrated why the Up And Coming Company was going to go out of business in every X-Chair Commercial they ran on your television.

You should have noticed that all the people sitting in their X-Chairs in the X-Chair Commercials were not doing anything. They just sat in their X-Chairs staring into the distance looking content and smiling contentedly.

In other word, they were not working! They were not getting anything done! They were not doing anything except comfortably getting paid To Do Nothing in their Extremely Comfortable X-Chairs.

It’s a wonder it took a whole 6 months to go out of business.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: On the other hand maybe it was the cost of the X-Chairs that made the Up And Coming Business go out of business. I looked up the cost of X-Chairs on the Internet. The web site quoted the price of a X-Tech Ultimate Executive Office Chair to be, “From $1,899”.

Another way of saying “From $1,899” is, “$1,899 and Up”. Do you realize how much Up there is above $1,899?

X-Chair knew how much Up there was. The Former Up And Coming Entrepreneur never should have said, “Pick out whichever model you want”.

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

It Was Worse Than That Was Bad

If Sunday’s Super Bowl...

Ø Did not have a single pass completion by either team.

Ø Did not have a single yard gained rushing by either team.

Ø Only ended because all the fans either fell asleep or had left the stadium.

The time spent watching it would have been a lot better time spent than watching the halftime show.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Click Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ2dVKbAUIs


Sunday, February 11, 2024

Why?

I guess this qualifies as Foolishness but it’s not Funny...Or is it?

Where have I been? I did not know this was an issue. I did not know this was going on. Why is this an ongoing issue?

I just heard that the Black National Anthem is going to be played at today’s Super Bowl. I went online to see if this was really true only to find out that, not only is it really true, but this divisive issue has been with us for several years and I thought I knew what was going on in the Good Ole USofA.

************

Looking at the bright side, it could be worse. What would be worse would be if the National Anthem were not played at all.

Oh my gosh, it has been worse and I did not know about that either...

Last year at the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament the National Anthem was not played at all. Instead, what was played was the Black National Anthem and America the Beautiful.

America the Beautiful is a beautiful patriotic song but that’s not the point. The point is it’s not Our National Anthem.  

Maybe what we need is the National Anthem of Every Country in the United Nations be sung before the game can begin. We need to be mindful that the people at the game or not at the game from the likes of...

Ø Andorra

Ø Dominica

Ø Lao People’s Democratic Republic

Ø Mali

Ø Nauru

Ø Palau

Ø Saint Kitts and Nevis

Ø The Democratic Republic of São Tomé

Ø Príncipe

...and so on and so forth are people too and they will be sorely offended when they come to the realization after the singing is done that their tune had not been sung.

After all, there are only 193 Countries in The United Nations. It won’t take long for each country to have its chance to be proud. Then there will probably still be enough time left for some football.

Yea, I’m being silly...Or am I?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Oops! I forgot Grand Fenwick...

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053084/

Lagniappe Another: Moving on from Foolish to Downright Stupid...

  • A ticket to the Super Bowl in 1967 cost $10, or just over $90 adjusted for inflation. 
  • As of Wednesday, the average price of tickets was $8,600. 
  • Last week, seats were going for more than $12,000. 
  • Resellers have been asking up to $45,000 a ticket.
  • A 20-person suite will run you a cool $1.8 million, including the cost of tickets as well as food and alcoholic beverages. 
  • A more modest 8-seat accommodation plus tickets and amenities is going for $330,000.
  • A “cheap” 4-seater suite can be had for $150,000. 

Here's what 30-second Super Bowl ads have cost through the years:

Super Bowl I, 1967 – $37,500

Super Bowl II, 1968 – $54,500

Super Bowl III, 1969 – $55,000

Super Bowl IV, 1970 – $78,200

Super Bowl V, 1971 – $72,500

Super Bowl VI, 1972 – $86,100

Super Bowl VII, 1973 – $88,100

Super Bowl VIII, 1974 – $103,500

Super Bowl IX, 1975 – $107,000

Super Bowl X, 1976 – $110,000

Super Bowl XI, 1977 – $125,000

Super Bowl XII, 1978 –$162,300

Super Bowl XIII, 1979 – $185,000

Super Bowl XIV, 1980 – $222,000

Super Bowl XV, 1981 – $275,000

Super Bowl XVI, 1982 – $324,300

Super Bowl XVII, 1983 – $400,000

Super Bowl XVIII, 1984 – $368,200

Super Bowl XIX, 1985 – $525,000

Super Bowl XX, 1986 – $550,000

Super Bowl XXI, 1987 – $600,000

Super Bowl XXII, 1988 – $645,500

Super Bowl XXIII, 1989 – $675,500

Super Bowl XXIV, 1990 – $700,400

Super Bowl XXV, 1991 – $800,000

Super Bowl XXVI, 1992 – $850,000

Super Bowl XXVII, 1993 – $850,000

Super Bowl XXVIII, 1994 – $900,000

Super Bowl XXIX, 1995 – $1.15 million

Super Bowl XXX, 1996 – $1.085 million

Super Bowl XXXI, 1997 – $1.2 million

Super Bowl XXXII, 1998 – $1.29 million

Super Bowl XXXIII, 1999 – $1.6 million

Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000 – $2.1 million

Super Bowl XXXV, 2001 – $2.2 million

Super Bowl XXXVI, 2002 – $2.2 million

Super Bowl XXXVII, 2003 – $2.2 million

Super Bowl XXXVIII, 2004 – $2.3 million

Super Bowl XXXIX, 2005 – $2.4 million

Super Bowl XL, 2006 – $2.5 million

Super Bowl XLI, 2007 – $2.385 million

Super Bowl XLII, 2008 – $2.699 million

Super Bowl XLIII, 2009 – $2.999 million

Super Bowl XLIV, 2010 – $2.954 million

Super Bowl XLV, 2011 – $3.1 million

Super Bowl XLVI, 2012 – $3.5 million

Super Bowl XLVII, 2013 – $3.8 million

Super Bowl XLVIII, 2014 – $4 million

Super Bowl XLIX, 2015 – $4.25 million

Super Bowl 50, 2016 – $4.5 million

Super Bowl LI, 2017 – $5 million

Super Bowl LII, 2018 – $5.2 million

Super Bowl LIII, 2019 – $5.3 million

Super Bowl LIV, 2020 – $5.6 million

Super Bowl LV, 2021 – $5.5 million

Super Bowl LVI, 2022 – $6.5 million

Super Bowl LVII, 2023 – $7 million*

Super Bowl LVIII, 2024 – $7 million*

*I’m relieved to see that Ad Inflation is under control.

Friday, February 02, 2024

AAUGH!

 

I don’t watch Morning TV. Oops, it looks like I started this Blog Posting with a lie. I need to remove the lie before I move on...

I used to not watch Morning TV but I gave it a try starting a few weeks back.

It was a mistake to have given it a try. I know you are dying to know why I decided it was a mistake...Or are you dying? I’ll give you a hint and the hint has to do with none other than Tom Brady...

Ø Morning talk show hosts shout at us all the time!...AAUGH!

Ø Morning talk show hosts talk faster than my ears can hear and understand....AAUGH!

Ø Morning talk show hosts appear to be in a constant state of happy but they must think that the awful news they shout at me faster than I can hear is happy news because they look so happy while 99% of what they report to us is Awful News. Why does Awful News make them Happy?...AAUGH!

************

Enter Tom Brady...

They don’t know it yet but the talk show hosts just convinced me that I need to stop the insanity (listening to them is insanity). They just broke for a break. When they break for a break, they always give us an interesting News Hook that makes us want to sit through the commercials and still be there when the commercials are over to hear the You-Just-Gotta-Hear-This-Interesting-News-Hook-After-The-Commercial-Is-Over.

Here is the You Just Gotta Hear Interesting News Hook they tried to hook me with...

Stay with us because after the break we are going to tell you about Tom Brady’s Favorite Dessert!

Really?! Do they really think I am so stupid I would want to know what Tom Brady eats for a Dessert? They don’t have any respect for me! That’s it! I’m done!...

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=i%27m+not+gonna+take+it+anymore&atb=v355-1&iax=videos&ia=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsdQCPlAZjbY

************

This Is The Bottom Line Area Of This Blog...

The Bottom Line is where is I put is something that is Fella Catchy, Fella Inspirational or (usually) Fella Foolish. None of that today because Fella can’t top Peter Finch’s forever to be remembered tirade.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Have you noticed that Nightly News Shows are crammed packed with one disaster after another and at the end the Happy Talking Head looks at you through the camera and says something like, “Have a wonderful weekend!” If we truly had Accuracy in The Media The Head would say, “I hope you survive the weekend”.

 

Friday, January 26, 2024

A Museum About a Great Aircraft and A Book About Someone Who Really Knew How To Fly It

Bullet Came In The Front and Went Out The Side

There is no Foolishness in this Blog Posting...

The book was written by a Dustoff Pilot (Medical Evacuation Pilot) who flew with the 57th Medical Detachment in Vietnam and who is regarded by us as one of our Legends. His name is Colonel Douglas E. Moore.

I recommend the book to you as a good read about the military unit I happened to be part of which established an astounding history of life saving in Vietnam starting in 1962.

The book does not cost that much and a part of the proceeds from the book goes towards a museum that is still under construction which will be dedicated to the UH-1 Helicopter (The Huey) that we flew in Vietnam.

 

The Museum Link Is:

https://museumspedia.com/en/i/15174-american-huey-museum/

************

This is a copy of an email I received from Colonel Moore...

Douglas Moore 

From: xxxxxxx@xxxxxxx.net

To: AlexO

Tue, Jan 2 at 6:52 AM

Did I ever tell you guys that I wrote a book? Years ago, Phil Marshall called to say he had read a couple of articles I wrote for Army magazines and wanted to ask a favor. He told me about the Huey 369 project at Peru, Indiana where he and others were planning a Huey museum and had acquired their first aircraft, a former Dust Off bird. Following a VHPA reunion in Indianapolis, my wife and I stopped by and Phil gave us a ride in that a/c and then talked us out of a couple thousand dollars to go into their building fund. Later he asked me and others to put together a book that could be sold at their museum project. I complied with the understanding that all my proceeds from the book would go into the building fund. The title is A Bullet Through The Helmet and is available from Amazon. Four dollars from each sale goes to the museum. If you haven’t read it, you might recognize some of the characters and places and you could help the museum scheduled to open this summer.

Doug

The Book Link Is: https://www.amazon.com/Bullet-Through-Helmet-Vietnam-Dustoff/dp/1726311724

************

In writing my Blog Foolishess...Or Is It? I have been known to exaggerate, some say I lie but this time I did not lie when I said, “There is no Foolishness in this Blog Posting...”

Not being Foolish is not easy for me and I promise not to do it again.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 


Saturday, January 13, 2024

Yes You Earned It but You Have No Right to It!

I spend more and more time trying to Hide Who I Am and Trying To Prove Who I Am To Those I Don’t Want To Hide From and Trying To Figure Out Who I Am or Who I Was Before I Hid Who I Am/Was. (If you can figure out what I just pecked out, send me a text message and explain it to me.)

The bad guys have been coming at me ever since way back when I first asked myself, “Self, is it spelled ‘computer’ or ‘computor’?”

I thought I was holding my own against them with all of my different passwords but it appears they are on the verge of having their way with me and there is no longer anything I can do to stop them...

From Malwarebytes:

EXPLOITS AND VULNERABILITIES

The Sound of You Typing On Your Keyboard Could Reveal Your Password

Posted: December 12, 2023 by Mark Stockley

As if password authentication’s coffin needed any more nails, researchers in the UK have discovered yet another way to hammer one in. The technique, developed at Durham University, the University of Surrey, and Royal Holloway University of London, builds on previous work to produce a more accurate way to guess your password by listening to the sound of you typing it on your keyboard.

The slight differences in the sounds each key makes is an unintentional leak of information, known as a “side channel”. Computers typically have lots of side channels, such as noises, heat, and changes in electromagnetic emissions, which can be hoovered up and analyzed by adversaries to learn more about what’s happening on the computer.

************

The Subject of this Blog Posting is not more of my Foolishness. You had better take me seriously. On the other hand, it actually will make no never mind if you take me seriously or not because they are winning and we are losing and they know it.

There will come a day when you will end up losing all you have to those who want all you have. Actually I understand that a Federal Judge that was appointed by President Garfield (yes lifetime appointed judges do live too long) presently is considering a cause of action that will allow all of what you thought was yours to be transferred to those that wished they had what you have. Here is what the Judge has on his legal plate courtesy of the slick lawyer from the law firm Dewey Obfuscate Anhow...

Your Honor, those that have too much should be required to share what they worked all their lives to earn with those who did not lift a finger to earn anything because the non-workers whole heartedly believed that eventually they would be given what they did not work to earn the same as if they had worked to earn it.

************

In the last 30 years the above foolishness has been taught in our formerly excellent education system. It is called Leveled Playing Field Syndrome. More and more the Leveled Playing Field Believers had been assured that it was not fair that hard workers should be rewarded in such a disproportional manner.

The Slackers r Us Movement knew that if this Rewarding of Hard Work were allowed to spread throughout society it could become accepted as a bedrock principle and then where would we all be?

The Slackers, therefore, sat on their hands and waited knowing that the old adage, All Good Thing Come to Those Who Do Nothing would eventually come to fruition.

************

Fella Fix...

Since they are going to get all that you have sooner or later, I recommend you send a Text Message to those who want what you have and ask how you would go about sending all of what you own to them now.

This will save you a lot of grief. Watching everything you own slowly being transferred to the Do Nothings over a period of years could prove to be very stressful and agonizing. The Slackers Vision Statement says it all...

Why should you have what we want just because you earned it? You know we are going to win and you are going to lose. Hand it over. Just do it! ... Now!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 


 


Tuesday, January 09, 2024

The Day the Jews Disappeared

On December 22, 2023 I told you I was going to send you a long essay by Steve Allen that was going to be so long many that of you would not take the time to read it all the way through. I usually almost always sometimes keep my promises...

Anonymous Introduction...

This article was written years ago by the Great Humorist, Satirist, Musician, Author, Clear Thinker and TV Host, Steve Allen. Those of you who do not know who Steve Allen was, please take a moment to Google him. He was an master of “wit”. By that I mean True Wit, Humor and Cleverness as opposed to what passes for Wit, Humor or Cleverness in too many of today’s celebrities which often consists of Cuss Words. Steve Allen and his very few peers set the bar for this art form to a height which will probably not be reached again.

At a party one evening where my wife and I (not Fella but the person who was writing this anonymous introduction to Steve Allen’s writing) were talking to Steve and his lovely wife Jayne Meadows, we spoke briefly about the newly growing popularity of the Internet. I explained to Steve a little about what the Internet represented, how it could allow people access to information anywhere, anytime, and with just a mouse click. Steve asked me if I could put one of his favorite social commentary essays online. I promised him that I would put it on the Internet.

What’s important to remember is that Steve Allen was not Jewish, and was not asked to use his considerable talent to write this by anyone else whether Jewish or not.

It’s been a long time, sir, but I am honored to finally keep my promise to you. This essay is every bit as relevant, powerful, and true today as when you wrote it a few years ago, or if it were fifty years ago. On behalf of the human race, thank you for this.

************

This is Fella. I said it was long and it is 3,430 words long.  Steve chose each word very carefully. Please take the time to read each word carefully. They are powerful words.


THE DAY THE JEWS DISAPPEARED

By Steve Allen

It was Dr. Billy James Harwood, of Dallas, Texas, who made the first official announcement, although people all over the country had noticed the disappearances.  Oddly enough, those who sensed that something was terribly wrong at first assumed that they had discovered a purely local phenomenon.  But it was Harwood who appeared on the morning CBS network news and said to a suddenly slack-jawed world --or at least that part of it that could see American television -- "The Jeeeews are gone.  That's right, my friends.  The Jeeeews are gone.  I discovered it just a few hours ago when I went down to the Hilton hotel to welcome a visiting delegation from the Holy Land.  Israel, I mean. And they weren't there."

 

"Had they checked in?" asked a stunned young woman with a hand mike.

 

"'Deed they had," Harwood said.  "Desk clerk said they'd come in about 11 o'clock the previous morning, right on schedule.  Said he had a phone call for 'em 'bout 9:30 the following mornin', and when he rang their rooms there wasn't nobody in any of 'em.  That's the first time I knew there was any trouble."

 

"What did you do?"  the woman said, still staring and shaking her head, as if she could not believe her own questions, much less Harwood's answers.

 

"Well," Harwood said.  "I put in a call to Rabbi Goldman of Temple Emanuel to ask if he'd heard from them, and there was no answer at the temple.  At first I figured there was maybe just some problem with the phones -- what with another strike goin' on -- so I sent one of my people over there, and they said the whole place had been cleared out."

 

"You mean they'd locked up and gone away?"

 

"No," Harwood said.  "They didn't lock anything up. Most doors and windows was open.  People's personal belongin's was lyin' around -- pocketbooks and that sort of thing.  Men's briefcases.  Somebody told me they found a real expensive gold watch on the sink in the men's room. Somebody was washin' their hands when it happened."

 

"When what happened?"

 

"Well, that's what I don't know, exactly.  It looks like all the Jews are gone.  All of them in Dallas, anyway. I called a lot of my friends the last two or three hours, believe me, and not a one of them has seen hide nor hair of a Jew since last night.  Darndest thing I ever saw."

 

"And what explanation can you offer?" the newswoman said.

 

"Well," said Harwood, "I think we're seein' the beginnin' of the last days.  I had been warning that this was comin' for quite some time.  We know there'll be early signs and wonders, strange things happening.  And this is about the strangest thing I ever saw.  Don't you think so?"

 

"Well, yes," the woman said.  "That's all the information we have from here, Tom.  And now back to New York."

 

The news show itself looked considerably more ragged and unprofessional than usual -- wrong film clips were shown, some microphones that were supposed to be turned on were soundless, and the few gentile newsmen and women who did appear had a totally perplexed look, as though terribly distracted even when discussing other items in the day's news.  Correspondents from London, Paris, Rome and Berlin were piped in.  They confirmed that the sudden disappearance of Jews was a worldwide phenomenon.

 

Transportation officials of local state and federal governments were questioned to see if perhaps separate parties of Jews had left town in buses, trains, airplanes, trucks, private cars, or any other means of conveyance.

 

They could shed no light on the peculiar state of affairs. However the Jews had disappeared, it seemed the means of their traveling had not been conventional.  The national newscasts of the other two networks were also a bit of a shambles. Charles Kuralt and Bryant Gumbel being gentiles, were on the air, but chaos emerged around them every few seconds.

 

"An anti-Semitic terrorist group has just called NBC news to take credit for the -- er -- disappearance,  said an obviously shaken Gumbel, "but authorities here give no credence to the claim.  Incidentally, we would like to apologize for problems we're having with both sound and picture -- not to mention some of our remote pick-ups -- but it seems that a number of our technical people were Jewish -- are Jewish, I mean -- and -- well -- we've had trouble replacing them here.

 

"There have been scattered reports of looting in Jewish neighborhoods which, having been totally abandoned, were undefended.  But early details are sketchy.

 

"Hospital emergency wards the country over have become madhouses to far more than the usual degree since a large percentage of the doctors that usually serve them can not now be located."

 

On ABC, a harried newswoman reported that every film studio in Los Angeles had closed down and stopped production, due to the absence of leading writers, directors, actors, actresses, agents, producers, and technical and secretarial personnel.

 

Inquiries into the thousand-and-one legal ramifications of the mysterious mass disappearance went largely unanswered since a good many of the nation's law firms reported that key members of their staffs were missing.

 

Mental hospitals and clinics were particularly hard hit as thousands of patients who had depended on meeting psychiatrists, analysts, and consultants had been thrown into a panic at the discovery that their doctors were missing.

 

When newsmen called nearby universities, think-tanks and scholarly societies to get background information on the unprecedented event, they discovered that so many key personnel were missing that the institutions could provide essentially no services whatsoever.

 

In Van Nuys, California, a distraught housewife begged police to find her husband.  No, there had been no problems. They'd just gone to sleep together, and she'd awakened alone.  Why, yes, he was Jewish; no, she wasn't, but what did that have to do with it?"

 

Suddenly, the face of the President of the United States appeared simultaneously on all network and local newscasts.  "My fellow Americans," he said, "a disaster of major proportions has struck our nation.  Well, actually I should say the world, since, according to reports I've been receiving, there are no Jews left anywhere -- or, if there are, we don't know where they might be.  I had expected to receive much fuller information about this to share with you.  Unfortunately, a number of my key advisors are among the missing, and -- uh -- that has compounded the problem here at the White House, I don't mind telling you.

 

"In the face of this bizarre -- er -- catastrophe, I had planned to issue a call to the commissioners of baseball, football, and other major sports, as well as the managers and coaches of all teams, to cancel all athletic events during the emergency, but I have now been advised that no such call was necessary since the absence of key players, coaches, administrators, school and team officials -- well, you see what the problem is there, too. I have tried to reach the Kremlin by phone, but -- uh -- it seems that telephone circuits worldwide are in disarray since important personnel are missing, and in some areas it appears that no one else seems to know how to run the --er -- the equipment.

 

"I had also planned to issue a formal Presidential request, to all theatrical and entertainment enterprises, to suspend operations until further notice, but that, too, has proved unnecessary since I have just been advised that not only all the legitimate theaters in New York, but theaters in other parts of the country, including many motion picture houses, have been closed down due to an inability to function normally.

 

"I have also been informed, within the hour, that Wall Street has suspended operations totally.  We do not want this announcement to cause Americans concerned about their investments to panic.  I have it on good authority that most banks will be open tomorrow morning, although in many parts of the country their services will be, quite understandably, seriously curtailed. "That is all the information we have here at the White House at present.  Thank you."

 

From Las Vegas, a newsman reported, on the CBS network, that all hotels and casinos had closed since so many musicians, comedians, singers, dancers, technical personnel, hotel managers, not to mention gambling executives and others, were at the moment missing.

 

The following morning almost all regular television and radio programming had been canceled because a good part of it could not have been presented anyway.  Most stations carried endless newscasts, in keeping with the industry's traditional response to major disasters or tragedies.

 

A particularly strange turn of events occurred on the Today show, when Katie Couric mentioned that in many cities there had been reports that gentiles were also among the missing.

 

"Katie," Bryant Gumbel said, "you're right in that we had picked up such reports earlier this morning, but I've just been advised that there are no gentiles missing.  The impression that some were gone has been explained by virtue of the fact that a good many people had Jewish friends without realizing that they were Jewish.  Consequently, when they were missing--"

 

"I see what you mean," Couric said.

 

"In fact," Gumbel continued, "a number of prominent Americans are unaccounted for who were not expected to be missing.  I mean --

 

"I know what you mean," Couric said.

 

"For example, film actor Kirk Douglas is nowhere to be found today -- a fact which has surprised millions of Americans who did not know that Douglas was Jewish

 

"Oh," said Gumbel, "we've just been told that the President is about to address the nation once again.  We take you now to Washington, D.C."

 

"Good morning, my fellow Americans," the President said in a tired, raspy voice.  "I was up a good part of the night trying to make contact with our embassy officials in Jerusalem.  They have advised me -- although I cannot say I was totally surprised to hear it -- that the nation of Israel is almost a ghost country.  The Arab population of the state is, of course, still there.  And in the streets, I am told, there are a few American and other foreign tourists.  But as of this moment, there are no Jews in Israel.  But then," he added, "it would seem there are no Jews anywhere on earth."

 

A few minutes later, from the NBC newsroom, there was a flurry of excitement at reports that two actual Jews had been discovered walking down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California.  It was shortly revealed, however, that the two were gentiles who had been passing as Jews for some time in the belief that it would be helpful to them in the motion picture industry.

 

Newsman Peter Jennings, commenting on the case, said, "I just started to say that this bizarre incident would probably give Woody Allen an idea for his next movie.  But then I remembered that Woody Allen is among the missing.  In fact, it appears that there are very few comedians left in the United States.  A producer from the Entertainment Tonight show has called the NBC newsroom to say that he had picked up a rumor that a number of long-inactive gentile comedians such as Jack Paar, Alan Young, Garry Moore, and George Gobel had tried to call their agents to tell them that they were available for work but that they could not get through to their agents, for obvious reasons."

 

Within another 24 hours, major industries in the United States had either closed down or been effectively crippled. From Chicago came reports that a group of uniformed Nazis has gathered in front of a Jewish temple, where they had been interrupted in their demonstration and severely beaten by a crowd of Catholic pacifists who had been making a survey of the neighborhood at the time and were apparently driven mad by the sight of the Hitler-sympathizers.

 

The world of nature, needless to say, not directly effected by the mass mystery, continued its customary daily assault upon human lives and sensibilities.  But now every earthquake, every typhoon, hurricane, torrential downpour, mud slide, tornado, forest fire, regional war, power blackout, drought, plague of insects -- indeed, every natural calamity of the sort always common was greatly complicated by the absence of Jews.  Relief efforts --whether medical, administrative, managerial, or economic were in disarray, and each new problem compounded the spreading disaster.

 

A good many newspapers stopped publication, though all used the word temporarily in apologizing for this.  Since the advertising industry had largely come to a standstill, newspapers, radios and television all entered an immediate, acute state of financial crisis.

 

From the Middle East there were reports that Arab joy, which for several days had been hysterical and unbounded at the news of the mysterious absence of Jews, had now been replaced by rioting, unrest, and military action, inasmuch as the various Muslim states and subfactions, no longer feeling in any sense united by their antipathy for Israel and its sympathizers around the world, were falling upon each other with remarkable ferocity, Iran and Iraq having already shown the way.

 

In parts of the Third World those peoples and parties that had depended upon Israel for arms were suddenly thrown into a state of severe military disadvantage.

 

Russia, oddly enough, seemed to be functioning better than any other major nation, largely because it had expelled so many of its Jews over the past century that it was now fairly well able to maintain essential services, there no longer having been any Jews in positions of authority.

 

Within three more days, a number of radio and television around the U.S. -- not to mention other parts of the world -- had thrown in the towel, since, without advertising revenue, they could no longer continue their already crippled operations.  Although the three networks continued to provide services they considered essential, they too were reported to be losing millions of dollars daily.

 

Oriental nations continued to function but were thrown into a condition of financial panic when it became apparent that tens of thousands of separate foreign business agreements and contracts could no longer be honored.  The repercussions were especially severe in China, which in recent years had been painstakingly -- although somewhat unofficially -- adding free-market components to its Marxist superstructure.

 

Back in the United States, even the Mafia was thrown into turmoil at the sudden loss of its handful of non-Italian financial advisors and lawyers, though leading Mafioso were pleased that a number of the more aggressive district attorneys and other prosecutors were also no longer at work.

 

The following Sunday the already stupefying drama suddenly took what Christians at once regarded as an even more ominous turn.  Protestant and Catholic houses of worship were opened to find that all representation of Jesus and his immediate social circle were missing.  Statues of Christ -- even the traditional figure hanging on the cross -- graven images of Mary, Joseph, St. Peter -- these and others had vanished.

 

It took only one day for the realization to dawn that all the now-absent representations were of Jews.  The Pope immediately declared a worldwide period of mourning -- "perhaps somewhat belatedly," as one American Cardinal commented.

 

"Some were saying only the other day," the Pontiff declared on a radio network, "that the disappearance of the Jews was God's curse, that an entire people had been done away with as punishment for their sins. We now realize that even to harbor such suspicions was itself a grave sin.  It is the rest of us who are being punished."

 

There now began a period of great fear, but also of that form of great comedy that has always taken tragedy as its raw material.  People bumped into each other more.  More stupid mistakes, of all kinds, were made. The President, at a news conference, actually said, "This is the most unheard of thing I've ever heard of."

 

But by the following Sunday not even the anodyne of laughter was any longer available to dull the pain occasioned by the loss of what was, after all, just one of the earth's hundreds of tribes: On that day humanity began to be deprived of the Jewish legacy to the world.  The Old Testament -- the actual pages of books -- disappeared. Christian and Muslim theologians and preachers, bereft of much of the philosophical underpinnings of their faiths, became at first confused, then largely incoherent.

 

Science and technology -- and the million-and-one applications of them -- fell into turmoil at the sudden loss of all knowledge and discovery contributed by Jews, of whom Einstein was only one; the space program therefore ground to a halt, as did the nuclear industry.  Financial chaos at once ensued as bankruptcies, bank closings and defaulted loans became the norm.

 

A particularly savage stage quickly emerged, as people, driven to desperation, began to attack each other even more brutally than they did in normal times, which had always been horrible enough.

 

But riots and fiery confrontations became even more common as the perception gradually took hold that Jewish discoveries in the field of medicine, too, were no longer available, the memory of their details having, overnight, been expunged.  Millions died of illnesses long curable or preventable, naturally in addition to the vast armies that daily died as in times before the eerie exodus. This swamped the already overburdened hospitals, many of which now simply collapsed and went out of business.

 

Rumors, inevitably, swept continents and leaped oceans. Sightings of Jews, encounters with Jews were reported, though not supported by evidence. A multimillionaire resident of Houston offered a $10 million fee -- no questions asked -- to anyone who would bring him a Jew, alive. Of Semites, there was, of course, no shortage, since Jews had been only one of the Semitic tribes. Indeed assorted Palestinians and other Arabs now tried to pass themselves off as Jews, without success. A young Iranian Muslim living in Berkeley, California claimed to have undergone a sincere conversion to Judaism, changed his name from Pahri Bashtar to Sol Schwartz and attempted to take possession of an abandoned temple on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles.  For a brief time he attracted a small following, which consisted entirely of right-wing evangelical Christians.  He was not taken seriously and soon retreated from public view.

 

The plight of blacks, at all times unfortunate in American society, had become acutely so.  This was due, in part, to the general social disorganization, a phenomenon that always falls most heavily on those least economically secure, and in part because the various liberal organizations that had, for over half a century, worked on behalf of American blacks, had now almost totally collapsed, because of the absence of Jewish support -- financial and personal.  There never having been any conservative organizations whatever that were dedicated to improving the lives of American blacks, they were now left largely to the mercies of the marketplace; in other words, the very system that had for over two centuries employed them as slaves, and which had, as a matter of historical fact, bitterly resisted all efforts to bring them up out of that degraded state. Certain governmental programs -- all created by liberals and uniformly opposed by conservatives -- still attempted to offer a degree of help to the poor (a category which consisted not only of blacks), but these programs, too, were in a state of severe disorganization, with the result that delays and errors were no longer the occasional exception but had become the daily norm.

 

It was as if the lesson so long preached by environmentalists -- that the partial or total destruction of any one species was likely to have unfortunate repercussions in the balance of nature -- was now perceived to be operative in the context of relations among human tribes as well.

 

A state of martial law was declared. As an immediate consequence a number of essential constitutional guarantees had to be suspended. Strange new religions, never uncommon to American experience, now began to proliferate in even larger numbers. Many of them -- such as the Tribe of Judah; the House of Israel; the Sons of David; the Chosen People; the New Jerusalem; the First Church of Christ, Jew -- took Jewish names.

 

And then, in part by accident, a great war started, from which nuclear weapons were not excluded.

 

And then everybody disappeared