Friday, March 27, 2015

Senator Chuck Schumer Is A Real Person–Part 2

For a while I was not sure Senator Chuck Schumer truly existed.
Originally published February 20, 2009 | 09:13 AM
It seems like every time the Majority Leader of our Senate, Harry Reid, (I'll call him Harry from here on out) steps up to a podium filled with microphones there is Senator Chuck Schumer (I'll call him Chuck from here on out) standing behind ole Harry.
Chuck stands there and smiles, shakes his head, looks around and smiles some more. One day I noticed Chuck's movements seemed to be sort of mechanical and repetitious. Then I noticed that Chuck sometimes smiled at the wrong time. It seemed he was not paying close attention to what Harry was saying. This bothered me and I determined to find out if there really was a Chuck.
I got into my car and started driving to Washington D.C. On the drive up, my mind was spinning with possibilities. About half way to D.C., I was toying with a likely scenario for this quandary of mine…
Ø There really is not a Chuck.
Ø Harry felt a need to have loyal back-there support whenever he spoke to us folks back home.
Ø He thought of when he had gone to a Disneyland and he had seen those mechanical Disney creations standing all over the place directing him to restrooms, exits, rides, etc.
Ø Sometimes they were animals and sometimes they are very realistic looking people things.
Ø Harry had gone to the Imaginers at Disneyland and told them of his dilemma and they created a standup loyal supporter that looked like a Senator and they named him Chuck.
By the time I got to the outskirts of D.C. I felt fairly certain that this is what had happened but I was determined to find out for sure.
I found out when the next time Harry was going to be making a momentous announcement to the media (actually this happens every 53 minutes). I disguised myself as a walking potted plant and snuck around to the side of the podium as Harry was speaking. There it was! I had confirmation of my beliefs! Chuck was behind Harry, as usual, and there was a tether rope that connected Chuck from his belt buckle to the back of Harry belt thru a hole in Harry's suit coat. Chuck was on wheels and every time Harry went anywhere, Chuck was sure to follow.
Right then and there I decided to hold a news conference of my own to tell the folks back home the real truth about the connection between Harry and Chuck. I thought that the best place to hold such a news conference was in the imitation office of the imitation Chuck. I gathered several reporters who were too far back in the gaggle surrounding Harry's ongoing news conference to really hear anything being said. I led them to imitation Chuck's office and, when I opened the door, there was the real Chuck taking a nap on a couch.
The end result of all of this is I was right but I was also wrong. There is a real Chuck (who sleeps a lot) and there is also an imitation Chuck (who follows Harry everywhere he goes).
Later I asked Harry about how this amazing scenario had come about and he was very open about the whole history of the Chuck on Wheels. One very interesting thing he told me was that the Disney people had, at first, offered to sell him a spare Goofy on Wheels but Harry smiled and said, with a twinkle in his eye, "I was too smart to fall for that. No one would believe that Goofy could be elected Senator".
Would I kid u?
Smartfella?
One of my dear readers sent this...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Saving Newsprint

I recently read a news article about Biotech that contained 768 words. A subject like Biotech can be confusing & this article proved to be just that...Very Confusing.

Much of the confusion was caused by the fact that it had lots of numbers/statistics in it. The more we analyze, try to comprehend &/or make comparisons with other numbers the more confusing news articles become.

This particular article had 42 sets of numbers (percentages, dollars, years, multiples of annual revenues) in it. It was awful.

I was worn out & confused when I finished & did not understand most of what I had just read. Being one who always wants to improve the world around me, I decided to come up with a way to make articles of this ilk (just love the word "ilk") better.

I decided humankind would be better served if we would just get rid of the words & keep the numbers.

Here is the Biotech Article without the words...

$21,000,000,000, $6,600,000,000, 2006, 2013, $7,000,000,000, 5.7%, $17,000,000,000, 38%, $8,300,000,000, $5,200,000,000, 51%, 14.5%, 500, 2%, 1991, 2006, B2, $6,600,000, 2008, $6,000,000, 2009, $.57, $261.25, 2011, 60%, 2014, $65.66, 11x, $49.65, 5x, $28.41, 9x, $20.97, 29x, $15.93, 4x, $13.35, 4x, $13.21, 12x, $12.22, 3x.

There it is. You now understand as much of the article as if you had read all the words but you did not have to read all the words...

Think how much time you saved!

You are very welcome. I always like to help out where I can.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(261)

Friday, March 20, 2015

Once Upon A Time We Used To Change The Names To Protect The Innocent. Now We Go To Great Lengths To Protect The Guilty.

Recently an alleged bad guy (I hope I am not jumping to conclusions by calling him a bad guy) tried to abduct a small child. He was caught on camera as he ran away with his alleged victim.

Actually he was not "caught" by the camera after the local news outlet got finished protecting him. Below is a still picture from the actual video...

clip_image001[5]

I know I'm The Noticer & you are not but did you see what this blog is toying around with?

You did not? I am so disappointed in you!…

They blocked out the facial features of the alleged bad guy!

If the news channel's spokesman were asked why they blocked out the alleged facial features of the alleged bad guy, would the spokesman have said something like…

"In the Good Ole USofA we are innocent until we are proven guilty. Besides, if we had shown his face, the police might have apprehended him.

What if his neighbors had seen his face? Would they have told the police it was him? Worse yet, would they have thought ill of him?"

Sometimes I experience brief moments of fear that I will run out of silliness to write about. In the future, when this fear starts to come on me, I'm going to say to myself…

"Relax, fella, it ain't gonna happen. Remember the alleged bad guy running away with his alleged small victim. There's a world of untapped foolishness coming your way."

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(274)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Running Into The Street Screaming

I am spending too much of my life on the phone on hold waiting for online "help".

These people are paid to keep me to be happy, are they not? I know what they are doing instead of picking up their end of the phone & helping me. They are sitting around drinking their Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas in them. That's exactly what they are doing!

I think deep down they really do want to help me because they went to all the trouble to make a recording that tells me over & over that my call is important to them.

What I don't understand is, if the above paragraph is true, why do they play such Awful Music Awfully Loud at me while I patiently wait?

I have been persecuted by this assault on my hearing & sanity for a long time now but was not prompted to blog about it until recently because I started noticing a significant number of people running out of their houses screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" or "Why do they do this to me?!" or "Aghaaaaaaaaa!".

I assigned the responsibility of finding out why these people are acting this way to one of my best Investigative Investigators & it was not long before I had the answer...

"Sir, the reason the Awful Music is played Awfully Loud is that they are hoping you will hang up the phone & run out into the street screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" or "Why do they do this to me?!" or "Aghaaaaaaaaa!".

If you do hang up, then they can keep sipping their Fruity Umbrella Drinks.

Also, their assigned quota is only 2 calls handled per day &, since a disconnection is counted as a call completion, they have probably already reached their assigned quotas &, therefore, they have no vested interest in taking your call."

I make my Investigative Investigators address me as "Sir" because I pay them well & they are afraid of me because they need the job since the Major News Networks stopped investigating anything & started reporting everything.  

(I've spent hours trying to get the link below to work. If it does not work, Plan B is I am going to send an ordinary old fashioned email to each of you with the mp3 file attached. Plan C is, if Plan B does not work, take my word for it the Awful Music Is Awful!)

Click here to hear the Awful Music Played Awfully Loud for yourself...
If you are a masochist & want to experience what I am gripping about, you can call the Social Security Administration (800 772 1213) & experience the Awful Music Played Awfully Loud up close & personal.

After being asked a bunch of questions & threatened a couple of times, you can ask to speak to a Representative & THEN YOU WILL BE PUT ON HOLD. I don't think there is any chance that you will not be put on hold because they always put you on hold because they are sitting around drinking Fruity Umbrella Drinks.

If you really want to make the SSA call, you do so your own peril but, please remember to look both ways before you run out in the street screaming.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(563)  

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

If You Have A Cluttered Mind, You Will Clutter Your Surroundings & You Will Accomplish Little During Your Lifetime

There are few words for me to peck into this Blog Posting. I need only insert the picture below & let you come to your own realization about just how wrong the above subject really is.

clip_image002

The picture above was Albert Einstein's Office the day he died.

-------------------------

Allow me to try a new Subject...

A Neat, Tidy & Uncluttered Office Reveals A Person Who Accomplished Many Great Things In Life & Ended Up Being Admired By All

clip_image004

The above picture was Adolph Hitler's Office.

Looks Like I'm Wrong Again

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(115)

Friday, March 06, 2015

If Only We Were This Socially Advanced Back Then, We Could Have Saved The Buggy Whip Manufacturers

The Buggy Whip Manufacturers were swept into the Dustbin Of History.

By the time the same fate was about to befall the Coal Tenders on railroad engines we had advanced to the point where we saved them & they were allowed to stay on the job (doing nothing) after the evil diesel engines tried to sweep them into the Dustbin of History.

We have learned from our past mistakes & this time around we are going to save the many employees of Automotive Body Repair Shops in the Good Ole USofA...

"Widespread embrace of self-driving vehicles could eliminate 90% of all auto accidents in the U.S., prevent up to $190 billion in damages and health-costs annually and save thousands of lives, according to a new report by consulting firm McKinsey & Co."

Mass adoption of these Self-Driving Cars (to be known as "Autonomous Vehicles") will be upon us in 15 years. If we don't act now to become pro-active about this impending disaster, millions of body shop employees will be forced onto the unemployment lines & they & their children will be homeless on the streets of the Good Ole USofA.

Thank heaven our Senate is taking action even as I peck this out...

Ø Senator Foghorn Leghorn has proposed legislation that will require every owner of an Autonomous Vehicle to employ a former body shop employee to sit in each vehicle.

Ø The particulars of their employment are still being worked out by Senator Leghorn & his Save All Jobs No Matter What The Cost Sub-Committee but here is what we know thanks to an anonymous source on the committee who asked not to be identified because he is betraying a sworn oath he gave to Senator Leghorn that he would not become an anonymous source & do what he is doing anonymously.

Ø The non-drivers will be paid double the Minimum Wage, which is expected to be $75 per hour in 15 years because we all know that a family of 4 cannot be raised on a mere $75/hour.

Ø The non-drivers must be furnished with the latest Tablet Computer of their choice by the vehicle owner.

Ø These Tablet Computers will be loaded with a full complement of Premium Computer Games.

During his latest news conference the Honorable Senator was asked what was the reason the non-drivers were to be given access to the Computer Games. The anger was apparent on the Senator's face when he heard this question but he remained composed & responded as if the reporter's question was not as inane as he knew it to be by saying, "Son. Why, son. The games are essential because these non-drivers won't have anything to do. Without these games it is certain that many of them will go insane from boredom. The last thing we need in this country is a bunch of insane non-drivers in these self-driving vehicles. Why, they might start trying to push something or step on something or, heaven forbid, start trying to drive these non-driver vehicles! Then where would we be? I'll tell you where. We would be right back where we were before the advent of the driverless cars. We would start having vehicle collisions. Then we would have need for body shops & there would be no body shop workers to work in these body shops because all the former body shop workers are already gainfully employed in the front of these driverless cars where they have nothing to do!".

Once again Senator Leghorn has displayed his ability to make the obvious obvious.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(617)

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

What Is It? Is It A Tax? No, It’s A Penalty. Wait It Is A Tax. Oh, I Now See What It Is. It’s As Clear As Can Be. How Could I have Missed It?

Attention, Liberal Leaning Readers of My Blog…

I am going to do something I don’t normally do in my blog. I am going to use the word, “Obamacare”. Do not not read any further because you see that word. I am not attacking your guy. I am attacking the Silly World your guy & you & I live in.

In the beginning we were told that those who did not get Health Insurance were not going to have a Tax levied against them but were going to be charged a Penalty.

Then the case went to our Supreme Court & the Supreme Court said that those of us who did not get Health Insurance were not going to have a Penalty levied against them but were going to be charged a Tax.

Time heals all confusion. Recently I was reading my trusty newspaper & my trusty newspaper straightened it all out for me & now I am going to straighten it all out for you…

The Penalty-Not-A-Tax

Which Became

A Tax-Not-A-Penalty

Is Now Officially Called

A “Tax/Penalty”

Is this a great country or what?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(225)