Monday, March 19, 2018

The Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences Is In My Blog’s Spotlight Again Because The Academy Could Be Long Gone But We Might Not Know It For Long Time

Seat Fillers Could Obscure the Disappearance of the Awards Ceremony...

Ø The Academy uses Seat Fillers to sit in seats at the Awards Ceremony when there is not a Celebrity to sit in those seats.

Ø The result is the Theatre Looks Full when it is not really as full as it looks.


Why might the Awards Ceremony be going away?...

Ø It may get to the point where Celebrities lose interest in the Awards Ceremony and don’t show up knowing the Seat Fillers will fill in for them because...
> They have to go see their divorce lawyer.
>They just got a new batch of Medical Marijuana and they are anxious to stay home and smoke a bunch of it so they can cure anything that is wrong with them.
>Their latest Tattoo is itching and they just do not feel up to smiling non-stop for 6 hours.
> These phony people may get to the point where they don’t care about phony Awards Ceremonies anymore.


How Bad Might It Get?...

Ø It may get so bad that the Academy will have to hire enough Seat Fillers to fill up 90% of the seats...
>5% of the seats are filled by the Award Winners (the no-show situation has gotten so bad that the Academy had to start notifying the Winners ahead of time that they are Winners to get them to show up).
> 5% are smiling heads on a stick held over the empty seat by the Seat Filler or the Notified Winner sitting in the adjoining seat.


Look on the Bright Side...

Ø This is big theatre and all those formerly-unemployed-but-now-employed Seat Fillers will be enough to reduce the latest National Unemployment Rate by One Blip.

Ø This One Blip increase, ought to be enough to re-elect all those who will claim credit for the One Blip Increase (local Councilman, the Mayor, the State Representative for the district where the theatre is located, 2 State Senators, the Congressman for the district, the Governor of the state of California and, last but certainly not least, the President of the United States).

Ø All those Tuxedo Rentals for all those Seat Fillers will boost the local economy.

Ø All those Limousine Rentals for all those Seat Fillers will boost the local economy even further.


This Is a Sad State of Affairs (and these people are experts on affairs)...

Think about the caliber of stars from the past (Jimmy Stewart, Tyrone Power, Marlon Brando, Joan Crawford, John Wayne, Bette Davis, Doris Day, Alan Ladd, Laurence Olivier, Paul Newman, Henry Fonda, Frank Sinatra, Gregory Peck, Ingrid Bergman, Lucille Ball, Sophia Loren, Audrey Hepburn, Sean Connery, Maureen O’Hara, Kirk Douglas, Lauren Bacall, Carey Grant, Katherine Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Gary Cooper, Bob Hope, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Cagney, etc).


Think about how today a movie star becomes a Celebrity after making one movie (or just by living with a Celebrity who made one movie) for which she is paid more money than Jimmie Stewart made in his entire career.


The final insult to our injury is when we hear Talking Heads discussing the fact that this particular Celebrity’s Strong Point is she knows how to take an Attention Getting Stand on the Red Carpet.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Wow! Picked up several new List Members since the last Blog Posting, so I repeat...Analytics shows that a lot more people are reading my blog than are on my Notification List. This means that a whole bunch of people are disappointed after going to my blog only to find out that I did not publish that day because I do not publish every day. Avoid Disappointment by sending your email address to and I will add you to my There’s A New Blog Out There Notification List.



Saturday, March 17, 2018

Subject Matter Wins Oscars And One Other Thing

Subject Matter Is King

Hollywood News-How It Used to Be:

Scarlett Butler scored big in Petunias Grow Down In The Valley with as a powerful a performance as she has ever given in a long history of powerful performances.


Hollywood News-What We Now Have:

I. B. Kool did not do very well in his efforts to convince the audience that he really cared about his character’s development in Why There?  but the Subject Matter of this film which centers on the world-wide implications of a nuclear meltdown at a power plant that was constructed right next door to a day care center for handicapped inner city children in Manhattan at a time when Manhattan is going underwater from the Melting of the Polar Icecaps demands that he be awarded this year’s Best Actor Oscar.


You Got No Chance To Win


Some actors are Perpetually Barred from winning an award because of circumstances surrounding their circumstance.


A good example of this is Snidley Whiplash. This distinguished and accomplished actor has again been denied an award even after his herculean performance in Why Is It That Those Flowers Don’t Smell?  which has been acknowledged as the greatest single performance in the history of motion pictures. A spokesman for the Academy was quoted as follows...

“The Academy realizes that Snidley Whiplash is more deserving of than any other actor in the history of acting but we can’t have a winner of our prestigious award who has a violent name like ‘Whiplash’. Mr. Whiplash has appealed our decision by sending us certified documentation that he has never whipped any person, animal or tree and that he does not even own a whip nor has he ever even rented a whip. He even went so far as to show further documentation that he was only a cartoon figure and not a real person. He stopped groveling when he came to the full realization that in Hollywood Image Is Everything”.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Analytics shows that a lot more people are reading my blog than are on my Notification List. This means that a whole bunch of people are disappointed after going to my blog only to find out that I did not publish that day because I do not publish every day. Avoid Disappointment by sending your email address to and I will add you to my There’s A New Blog Out There Notification List.


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

I Must Be Smarter Than Even I Think I Am Smart

This proof of my smartness goes back to the beginning of the Electronic Age. Right from the get go, I was smarter than many “smart” College Professors because I knew they were doing something that was dumb but they thought was smart.


There I did it again. I confused you. I will now try and make it up to you, especially since I have succeeded in confusing myself.


Several years back I read that College Professors were allowing their students to bring their Electronic Devices to class to use while the College Professors were lecturing them and use these wonders of the Electronic Age to “take notes”.


I said to myself, “If I were as smart as College Professors are smart, I would be smarter than they are smart because I would not allow my students to be using those things while I was imparting knowledge in their direction”.


I asked one of these “smart” College Professors why he was doing such a dumb thing. He looked at me with distain (they are very adept at looking at me with distain) and said, “Fella, don’t you know that Electronic Note-Taking has been invented?”


I looked right back into his distain and said in my best oh yea, smarty pants tone, “Oh yea, smarty pants, don’t you know that the Pad and Pencil have already been invented?”


Yea, I know that some of you just said to your collective selves, “What’s could be the harm? Electronic taken notes are so organized and neat looking and note-worthy.”


It’s my turn. Allow me to explain my objection...

Ø The College Professor says to his Electronic Note Taking Class, “The battle of Hastings was fought in 1066”.

Ø The College Student did not hear exactly what the College Professor said because he just got one or two Instant Messages from one or two of his different Electronic Thingies sitting on his desk. These are things like...
>An inquiry from Tom asking if he wanted to do lunch today.
>A notification from Dick that Jennifer and Chuck just announced they were calling it quits and getting a divorce.
>A cartoon from Harry showing a 12 foot high mound of cigarette butts and advising him not to smoke cigarettes because smoking cigarettes can kill him with a footnote informing him of the benefits of Smoking Medical Marijuana.


Back to our College Student’s Class Notes which are truly organized and neat and look like this...

  The battle of lusterthing was fought in 6610.

That’s progress! ... Or is it?


I just finished reading the newspaper article that set my foolish juices flowing for this Blog Posting. I found this tidbit interesting... “Students complain professors just don’t understand how hard it is to write by hand”.


I have no sympathy. I wonder if they think they have it as hard as those farmers on the coast of England back in the 800’s who looked up every so often to see the Vikings coming out of their boats to burn down their houses and take all their livestock, all of their stored crops and all of their family members back to Scandinavia?


Others complain that it’s hard to read their own handwriting. To continue with my unsympathetic posture I say, “Write so you can read what you write and you will be able to read what you write”.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: I can’t believe that I just heard one of you say that professors at Cornell University have no sense of humor. To that one of you I offer this from my newspaper article...

The Cornell University student government last year unanimously passed a resolution encouraging the faculty to allow “greater freedom of student laptop usage.” Charles Van Loan, an emeritus professor of computer science and faculty dean at Cornell, said there was “zero interest” from the faculty senate in having such a policy for laptop use. “Keyboard noise is not protected under the First Amendment,” he said.”

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Passing Of A Bureaucrat

I am posting this Foolishness...Or Is It to the memory of a dedicated government worker you may never have heard of.


I.M. Abureau Crat has died. Thankfully he was featured on 60 Minutes two months ago so we can fully know about his achievements as he diligently worked for the U.S. Department of Agriculture during his 35 year career of service to us all. Mr. Crat died the day after he retired. The cause of death was listed as a horrible feeling of loss now that he no longer worked for the USDA.He simply felt there was no longer any reason to go on.


Here is a small excerpt from the 60 Minutes episode that aired exactly 2 months to the day before Mr. Crat’s passing...


Interviewer: What was your greatest achievement in your 35 year career working for the USDA?


Mr. Crat: The thing of which I am most proud is the publication of U.S. Trade Descriptions for Poultry.


Interviewer: Ah, yes, we have all heard of that publication and the good citizens of the Good Ole USofA are most appreciative of that herculean effort and 60 Minutes wishes to thank you, on behalf of that grateful citizenry. What other publications have you worked on during your long and illustrious career?


Mr. Crat: None.


Interviewer: None? You mean this one publication is your life’s work?


Mr. Crat: I hope I do not detect a feeling of distain in your question. You need to understand that this publication says all that needs to be said about U.S. Trade Descriptions for Poultry. It is an all encompassing compilation of what every poultry processor needs to know to properly process poultry.


Interviewer: Huh?


Mr. Crat: I see I need to give you more information. Consider this before you start showing such distain for someone’s life’s work. This vital publication contains:

Ø 178 pages when it is converted from PDF Format to a Word Document.

Ø There are 47,517 carefully chosen words in this publication that I carefully chose.

Ø There are 299,952 characters (with spaces) contained therein.

Ø There are 11,750 lines that are chock full of much needed drivel that Poultry Processors have been waiting to gaze upon ever since I started on this project 35 years ago.

Ø I feel compelled because of your snide use of the word “Huh?” to point out that this publication is also chock full of Textboxes, Footnotes and Endnotes that greatly contribute to the overall sense of confusion generated by my dedication to minutia in all things related to poultry.

Ø One final point, Mr. Smarty, I am not a Touch Typist which means putting all of this together was really hard!

Ø I am proud of what I have done and, to prove my point, this publication has been part of the Public Record for 2 months now and already 2 people have looked at it for a combined accumulation between the 2 of them for 57 seconds!


To give you, My Dear Readers, a feel for the confusion generated by Mr. Crat’s life work, here is a paragraph from near the beginning of the publication...

71.20 Purpose of Standard

(a) The purpose of this standard is to facilitate trade at the wholesale level by better communicating product and packaging specifications for raw poultry products among buyers, producers, and traders. The trade descriptions provide concise word and picture descriptions of product composition and define a coding system to precisely specify product and packaging characteristics. The producer should certify that delivered product satisfies all product and packaging characteristics specified by the buyer. For additional assurance that delivered product will meet the purchaser’s specified options, the buyer or seller optionally can use the services of USDA or another third party. When examinations are limited to final products, third parties will not normally be able to certify certain purchaser-specified options, specifically: production and feeding systems, slaughter system, and the adequacy of product labeling.


If you have not had enough, here is a link to the entirety of the U.S. Trade Descriptions for Poultry...

Special Note To My Dear Readers...I know you are reluctant to click on the above link. Please click it and simply skim through it. You have not seen Minutia till you have seen this Minutia.


Allow me to say that it was not all Drivel and Bureaucratic Confusion. I particularly found enlightening the distinction made between Chicken Feet and Chicken Paws (pages 78 through 81)...Or did I?


Would I kid u?


Tuesday, March 06, 2018

I’m Offended At What You Just Said And I’m Also Offended At What You Did Not Just Say Not To Mention I’m Offended By What You Might Have Said When I Was Not Around To Hear You Say It And Be Offended By What You Said When I Was Not Present To Hear You And Be Offended By It

Do you realize how often an Offense Sensitive Person can get offended? I can’t put a number on it but I can tell you when it will happen...

It will happen every time anyone says anything the Offense Sensitive Person does not think ought to be said.

To avoid hearing something with which he does not agree, the Offense Sensitive Person needs to protect himself and the Fella knows that help on the way.


The Fella has become aware of an Ingenious Idea that will protect Offense Sensitive People and it involves the use of Virtual Reality Glasses.

I have been in contact with several of the companies who manufacture Virtual Reality Glasses and I found out that they are all feverously working on the same Earthshaking Idea. The one that perfects it and patents this Breakthrough Technology first is going to make a lot of money.

They were very open with me about the progress they are making and they told me everything but they did make me swear to secrecy. I am going to tell you, My Dear Readers, because I know I can trust you to not tell anyone...

Ø There see fortunes to be made by addressing the consternation that Offense Sensitive People experience every day, especially on College Campuses.

Ø Most of you probably know about the built-in feature in Word Processing Computers that corrects for Typing Errors. In Microsoft Word it is called Auto Correct.

Ø I see that one of you does not know what I am talking about. Allow me to give him a few examples...
> If you type the word “their” incorrectly as “thier” your computer automatically corrects it to “their”.
If you type the word “that” incorrectly as “taht” your computer automatically corrects it to “that”.
> If you type the phrase “I like that car” incorrectly as “I like tha tcar.” your computer automatically corrects it to “I like that car”.

Ø The researchers in this area believe they ought to be able to use this technology in Virtual Reality Glasses to protect Offense Sensitive People from having them hear Opinions and Logical Lines of Reasoning that might expose them to the possibility they might change their minds about their Set In Stone Opinions and Peer Influenced Beliefs. Allow me to explain how this will work...
> Those who are Offense Sensitive People will have to wear Offense Sensitive People Protection Virtual Reality Glasses anytime they are close enough to any other person to hear that other person speak.
> This needs to be an absolute requirement of their every day existence.
> It can never be left to chance that they let their guard down because they think that the approaching person is someone they feel thinks exactly the same as the Offense Sensitive Person thinks.

> Offense Sensitive People Protection Virtual Reality Glasses will be programmed to change incoming lines of thought that are different from the mindset of the Offense Sensitive Person
to be exactly the same as the mindset of the Offense Sensitive Person.
> Use of this amazing advancement will make sure that Offense Sensitive People everywhere are never exposed to any thinking that is not in line with their own thinking.

I took a giant step toward believing that Offense Sensitive People Protection is an idea whose time has come after I attended a My Opinion Is the Only One That Matters Protest on a local college campus last Thursday.

Then and there I also became convinced that there was a lot of money to be made selling Virtual Reality Offense Sensitive People Protection Glasses when I heard one of the speakers at the protest shout to the wide-eyed protesters that surrounded him...

I was dumbfounded! I could not believe that a Teaching Professor of this university would dare say something that I did not agree with! I had an almost over powering urge to walk out of his classroom but I knew I needed an A in his class to complete my degree in Square Circle Implementation Technology. I just sat there and kept saying over and over… How can he dare to say such things? I can’t bear to listen to him. It’s just not fair that deaf people have it so easy!

Would I kid u?


Thursday, March 01, 2018

You’re Fired!

A Tallahassee police officer was fired on Sunday after a motorist accused him of sexual assault during a traffic stop on Saturday night.


The Police Chief said an investigative team was sent to meet with the victim to collect evidence (but the officer is already fired).


The officer was hired in January 2017 after spending nearly 12 years with Gadsden County Sheriff's Office, most recently working at Gadsden Correctional Facility and when he left he was a Captain. Prior to entering law enforcement, the officer spent eight years in the Navy.


Gadsden Officials said he was a good officer and only left for a better paying job in Tallahassee.


The officer is not under arrest (just fired) and there has been no determination on criminal charges (but the officer is already fired).


The State Attorney’s Office is working with (TPD) to determine if there's evidence of a crime (but the officer is already fired), and if so, what crime (but the officer is already fired).


He also said investigators are moving with all deliberate speed, and he'd rather get it right than get it fast (sounds pretty fast because the officer is already fired).


"The fact that it was in my office within 24 hours is incredibly fast," he said. "There are a lot of crimes that are investigated for weeks, months or years before my office is involved."


Department protocol is generally to place an officer on administrative leave during an open investigation (but, in this case, the officer is already fired).


From the Fella’s Soap Box: The Allegations against the officer may prove to be truthful but they must be proven to be so. The Allegations may be the result of Lies, Deliberate Fabrications, Misunderstandings and/or Distortions (but, in this case, the officer is already fired).


This Fired Officer may be guilty as sin but it sure looks like he has been judged guilty as sin before the evidence of his sin is in.


Did I already say this sounds pretty fast to me?


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: In preparing for this posting I clicked on a TV News Web Site and there I saw this link… Ofc Crump 18006391. In the old days newspaper peddlers used to stand on street corners and shout, “Read All About It!”. In this case, I must warn you that Mr. Redacted got there before you. Now that my tongue in firmly in my cheek, I will say this… The Incident Report Is Particularly Informative…Or is it?

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

This Is Gonna Get Confusing But I Know You Can Handle It

Stupid Takes a Lot of Explaining

  The Beginning Part of This Posting:  

Ø This is an updated status on 2 earlier blog postings (included below) about the Construction of a Giant Net along the Golden Gate Bridge to prevent people who want to jump off of the bridge to commit suicide from committing suicide once they jump off of the bridge.

Ø My Fellow Americans, they are actually going ahead with construction!

Ø Some politician or some politician’s brother-in-law is going to make a lot of money off this craziness.

Ø I know some of you think I make things up to make my Blog entertaining.

Ø Those of you who think this way think this way based on the flimsy evidence that I have actually been known to make things up to make my Blog entertaining.

Ø This is not one of those times.

Ø I say again, they are actually going ahead with construction!

Ø Actual installation will begin in mid 2018 and be finished in 2021.

Ø In my first blog (below) about this craziness I said we had been told that the construction of the net would cost between $40 and $50 Million. I speculated the final cost would be closer to the $50 Million number. Later I read that the price tag had risen to $75 Million. On April 13, 2017 at the Golden Gate Bridge Suicide Deterrent Commemoration Ceremony the cost is listed as $211 Million.


If you care to read all about the Golden Gate Bridge Suicide Deterrent Commemoration Ceremony in agonizing and minute detail, click on this link...


The quote I like the best (not really) is, “If these measures save just one life…all the hard work will all be worth it...”

I contend that there is no way to know it will save one $211 Million Life...

Ø The determined suicide-inclined person might just go shoot himself or go into his bathroom and slit his wrist or take a bunch of pills or jump off of another bridge.

Ø The determined suicide-inclined person might look over at the net and fear that he might get all scuffed up by falling into the net and instead go shoot himself or go into his bathroom and slit his wrist or take a bunch of pills or jump off of another bridge.

Ø What do you wanna bet that in the future we will be seeing reports about how many lives were saved because no one tried to jump off of the bridge because of the net?

Ø Those Lives Saved Estimates just might rise up to 211 Million!


Middle Part of This Posting:

Here is my first Blog Posting about this silliness on October 15, 2008...

Finding Another Way


If someone wants to commit suicide, they will find another way.


I read where the city of San Francisco is considering a stainless steel net under the Golden Gate Bridge to prevent people from committing suicide by jumping off the bridge.


This net will cost somewhere between $40 & $50 million. What do you want to bet it will end up being closer to that $50 million figure?


There is no law that requires a person who commits suicide to jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge. If someone wants to kill himself, there are a lot of other ways to get the job done. What is next for the suicide prevention minded city council of San Francisco? …

Ø Nets under all tall buildings, trees and ladders?

Ø Outlawing all tall buildings, trees and ladders?

Ø Requiring all tall buildings, trees and ladders be short?


I may be one step ahead of the city council but I wonder if they have thought of the possibility that the suicide minded person might just scramble across the stainless steel net and continue their plunge?


I know what they could do if the jumpers started crawling across the net... They could shoot them!


Would I kid u?



The Last Part of This Posting:

Here is my second Blog Posting about this silliness on June 29, 2014...


If You Persist In Stupidity, One Day You Will Be Declared Certifiably Stupid

I wrote a Blog on October 15, 2008 about a Not So Brilliant Idea those Not So Brilliant People in the San Francisco Area were thinking of doing. They were contemplating putting a Gigantic Net underneath the Golden Gate Bridge to catch Would Be Suicide People before they became Actual Suicide People.


As I pecked that one out I was under a lot of pressure to get it posted quickly because I was sure that the Not So Brilliant People were going to publically state that the Golden Net Idea was dumb and they were not going to install it and it would have taken the wind out of my Foolishness...Or Is It Posting.


Boy was I wrong. It turns out that the Not So Brilliant People have remained committed to their crazy idea all this time and they are getting close to bringing their dream into fruition. My newspaper now tells me, “San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge may soon be less of a magnet for people trying to commit suicide, as regional officials consider a plan to install mesh barriers beneath the historic orange span to catch jumpers before they hit the water.”


Forrest Gump tried to warn us. Sometimes it seems that Forrest Gump was the only not stupid one among us and he was never really among us because he never actually was. He gave us, Stupid Is As Stupid Does.


How about a few Catchy Silly (Or are they?) Sayings for the future?...

Ø Stupid is stupid.

Ø Stupid never goes away.

Ø Stupid does as stupid does.

Ø Stupid...Not Just a Temporary Condition but a Way of Life.

Ø Stupid is our most important product.

Ø Why be smart? Stupid is a lot easier.


I bet you never thought you would get to the end of this Foolishness. Well you are almost done. Below is a rendering of what the Net will look like. Be honest. Don’t you think a Determined Suicide Person would be able to crawl across or roll across this “Barrier” to continue his dying?


Heck, he might just bounce off the net and continue his dying before the Golden Gate Sharpshooters get to shoot him.


Would I kid u?