I Need To Know Everything! ... Or do I?

Maybe the Subject of this Blog Posting could have been... I Need To Know Everything! ... Except This Stuff!

At present we are covered up with news about the awful Los Angeles Wildfires. Don’t get me wrong, This Is Big News but It’s Not The only News Out There.

Think back. What was the only thing on the news before the Wildfires started? Do you remember? I do. It was the New Orleans Terror Attack. That story completely dominated the news. It was so strong that the bullet pointed stories below completely disappeared...

Ø Putin.

Ø Xi Jinping.

Ø All those award shows on TV.

Ø Football Games...OK Football Games are not completely out of the news, however, I bet deep down the TV Executives are wishing they could get rid of these Football Interruptions to the Wildfire News but, because they are afraid they will be shot in the back as they walk to work in New York City, they permit the games to continue to be broadcast.

Ø The Drone Flights that we used to hear about every day and night.

Ø Ukraine.

Ø Israel and Gaza.

These things (except Football) are Old News ... Old and Forgotten News.

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This morning, this kind of Foolishness hit me harder than ever. I was grumbling about the Awful Wildfires when I Noticed these tidbits of useless information. (You do remember, I’m The Noticer, do you not?)

I was doing something I hardly ever do. Normally, if I want to know what the weather is like, I stick my head out of a window but today I looked at the weather report on my phone. Here is the Silliness I found...

Ø It gave me the Temperature Forecast (This is important because it lets me know if I should put on a coat).

Ø It gave me the Precipitation Forecast (This is important because it lets me know if I should put on a raincoat, take my umbrella or put on my galoshes).

Ø It told me about the Cloud Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about the Wind Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about the Air Quality Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about the Outdoor Sports Forecast (Huh?).

Ø It told me about the Pollen Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about the Hurricane Forecast (A blank map of the Good Ole USofA).

Ø It told me about the Lighting Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about the UV Forecast (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It told me about what the Sun and Moon were doing today and where they were going to be at different times during the day (Waste of my time. What am I going to do about this?).

Ø It gave me a Fire Forecast. Without a doubt this was included because of all the interest in the Wildfires in California...The Fire Forecast Was That There Was No Need To Be Concerned About Fire Danger Where I Live Because There Was a Very Low Risk of Fire Danger Where I Live Because the Closest Wildfire Was 705 Miles Away.

Even at this great distance I was still a bit uneasy because of all the California Wildfire coverage of late. After all, in California they have shown me that Wildfire Sparks can leap tall buildings at a single bound. 705 miles started to feel like it was right next door.

So, I looked up where that 705 Mile-Away Fire actually was. After doing this I felt better when I found out the 705 Mile-Away Fire actually was in the Bahamas. Somehow, a whole bunch of the Atlantic Ocean seemed like a harder jump than a tall building.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Back to the Lightning Strike Forecast. It was: “Closest strike in the last 30 minutes was 1965 miles away”. Since I was so relieved about the Wildfires being 705 miles away, I now had some unused worry space in me to become concerned a bit more about the 1965 Miles Away Lightning Strikes. After all, we have to worry about something. The Weather Bureau demands it of us.

Stop! Don’t Go Any Further!

Having said it before, I’ll say it again, “Don’t Believe What You Find On The Internet, Unless You Want To”.

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We all know that Blueberries are good for us. Beside the fact that the Blueberry Salesman tells us this is true, we can also find abundant proof on the Internet that this is true.

According To The Internet, Here Are Some Of The Health Benefits of Blueberries...

Ø You May Reduce Your Risk of Chronic Disease

Ø You May Have Lower Blood Pressure and Cholesterol

Ø You May Have Better Cognitive Function

Ø You May Recover From Your Workouts More Quickly

Ø You May Improve Your Vision

Ø You May Have Better Digestion

Ø You May Improve Your Skin Health

Ø You May Reduce Chronic Inflammation

Ø You May Get Fewer Infections

Ø You May Have More Stable Blood Sugar

The late Peggy Lee is visiting with me today and as she overlooked my shoulder at the above list of Blueberries’ Health Benefits she softly said (she always speaks softly), “Is The All There Is but what else could there be? That is about everything one would want to worry about when it comes to worrying about health. There is no doubt Blueberries are Good For You and you ought to eat lots of them and you ought to eat them every day!” (Have you ever noticed that when you type Soft Speak it comes out smaller?)

To this I softly said (I always find I speak softly back at her when we speak)... “Is that all there is?”

So, Peggy and I set about researching the Internet to see if it were possible to find one thing bad about Blueberries.

We found one thing and another one thing and... You get my drift. The Internet always finds the Good, The Bad and The Ugly about everything.

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According To The Internet, Here Are Some Of The Bad Things That Can Happen To You From Eating Blueberries...

Ø You May Get Diarrhea

Ø You May Get Constipated (Go back and read the first bullet point above. Don’t you find that strange?)

Ø You May Start Pooping Green

Ø You May Get Bloated

Ø You May Get Gas

Ø You May Get Other GI Symptoms

Ø You May Get Blood Clots

Ø You May Get Teeth Stains

Ø You May Develop Hypoglycemia

Ø You May Develop Allergic Reactions

Ø You May Get Nausea

Ø You May Start Vomiting

Ø You May Develop Acid Reflux

Ø You May Get A Runny Nose

Ø You May Develop A Rash

Ø You May Get Headaches

Ø You May Increase Your Risk of Kidney Stones

Peggy softly said, “Wow!”

************

Here’s Rule Number Only when you are searching the Internet...

While Searching The Internet, If You Immediately Find What You Want To Believe Is True, Stop Searching The Internet.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Get Rid Of The Second Door!

I keep revisiting the Silly Subject of our Silly Congress’ obsession with the Debt Limit because our Silly Congress keeps bringing it up and the nightly news is obsessed with demanding that we pay attention to all of this as if it were something to which we ought to pay attention.

Ending last Friday, they did it again. And again, they waited till the very last minute to “resolve” the issue. “Resolve” is in quotes because the Debt Issue is not really resolved. It is only dented because it has been kicked down the road...again.

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During this Kicking Session it was proposed that the Debt Limit be done away with. My first reaction was that it could not be done away with but the more I thought about it the more I came to the realization, since it is really a waste of time, it ought to really be done away with.

You doubt me? Read on...

(Originally Published April 25, 2017)

I could say The Sky's The Limit But The Sky Is Too Low...Part Next

You can certifiably certify you are smarter than Fella if you have stopped watching the Nightly News on TV. Fella is still watching the nightly news and that proves he ain’t too smart.

Because I am still watching the nightly news, I know that Congress is again wrestling with their re-occurring ritual about whether or not they will Raise the Debt Limit but they are not good wrestlers and they will give in and Go To Happy Hour. In wrestling they call this a Pin and in this case it means they are about to pin a darker future on the Good Ole USofA.

One thing is for certain. They will all be blaming someone other than themselves and each member of Congress will come out of all of this craziness “knowing” it’s not his/her fault.

************

If you think that our rulers in Washington D.C. have to raise the Debt Limit so they can spend more money you are as confused as most of the Folks Back Home (that’s us).

That’s not what’s happening here. They have to raise the Debt Limit because they have exceeded the Debt Limit. They are actually seeking authority to borrow enough money to cover what they have already spent.

Why do they bother to even put up the facade that they have a limited amount of money to spend? Once they have spent all they have, they simply make more.

At least they ought to change the name of the National Debt Limit. Here are my recommended names…

• The Temporary Debt Limit.
• The Debt Limit Until We Zip Right Past the Debt Limit Limit.
• The Unlimited Debt Limit.
• The What Debt Limit Limit?
• The Absolutely We Ain’t Gonna Go Over Limit Unless And Until Such Time As We Spend So Much Money That It Is Necessary To Borrow More Money To Cover The Money We Already Spent But Which We Did Not Have Authority to Spend Limit.

Until they get a new official name change in place they ought to put a Smiley Face before and after the old name. This way we will know they are just kidding.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: What can it hurt? It’s not a lot of money...Or is it?

In 1917, somewhat counter intuitively, Congress established the debt limit so it could have more flexibility for deficit spending during World War I.

The first official debt ceiling was established on the eve of World War II, in 1939, when Congress set the amount at a mere $45 billion.

• In 2002, Congress raised the debt limit from $6.0 trillion to $6.4 trillion, the first time it was raised in six years.
• In the decades following, Congress has abandoned any semblance of fiscal restraint as it has resorted to increasing the debt limit 20 times.

Since this is the Bottom Line, here is the Bottom Line...The current National Debt Limit is $31.4 Trillion. That’s 31.4 Thousand Billion Dollars.

The Good Ole USofA is embroiled in Out-Of-Control Totally Unsustainable Deficit Spending.

Lagniappe Another: Think of it this way. If a door had 2 signs on it that read:

• 1st Sign...If you walk through this door, you will be given a $100 Bill.
• 2nd Sign...Do not walk through this door.

Everyone that read the signs walked through the door. Sign #2 ought to be removed. Congress pays no attention to the Debt Limit, therefore, the Debt Limit is a waste of time and it ought to be done away with.

Of Course, the Answer Is Definitely Yes! ... Or is it Definitely No?

Fella is of the opinion that the Complete Opposite of any subject can be found on the Internet. I could spend the next week researching 40 or 50 different subjects and thereby prove to each and every one of you that I know of which I speak but I won’t do that because I don’t want to do that.

Instead, I researched one single subject and then extrapolated that into a shaky proof positive of the 40 or 50 different subjects that I did not research.

Did you just say to yourself, “That ain’t right!”

Well, I am going to counter that perfectly logical position with a perfectly indefensible counter-position.

I got my inspiration for this bit of Foolishness from a Blog Posting I did years ago about Domestic Cats. In that case the “facts” “proved” that Domestic Cats kill Over 2 Billion Creatures (bugs, squirrels, rats, mice, birds, chipmunks & etcetera’s) a year.

How did they come up with this Over 2 Billion Creatures Number? It was easy. They had a Bureaucrat With A Pencil and A Clipboard follow One Domestic Cat around for One Day ticking off the cat’s kills. Then, at the end of that cat’s night out, they multiplied its total kills by the number of domestic cats (a wild-ass guess) times the number of days in a year (probably used a leap year) and came up Over 2 Billion Kills.

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Ok, here is my One Single Flaky Extrapolation...

Is Bacon Healthy?

Some Say, Hell No!

This Was Found On The Internet...

Based on the search results, here is a summary of the information:

Bacon Has Bad Stuff In It!

Bacon is a processed meat that has been linked to an increased risk of colon and stomach cancer due to the presence of chemical preservatives and nitrates. The World Health Organization has classified bacon as a Group 1 Carcinogen, meaning it is known to cause cancer.

Bacon is high in saturated fat and sodium, which can contribute to adverse health issues such as high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, high cholesterol, and heart disease.

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Some Say, Hell Yes!

This Was Found On The Internet...

Based on the search results, here is a summary of the information:

Bacon Contains Brain-Friendly Fatty Acid

Bacon contains choline, a nutrient essential for maintaining healthy brain function and memory. Choline is converted into acetylcholine in the brain, a neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in memory formation, attention, and cognitive processing.

Other Potential Benefits

Additionally, bacon’s B vitamins, amino acids, and other nutrients may contribute to improved energy levels and mood regulation.

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There it is! How can anyone argue with either side’s set of “facts”?

What’s that you said? Are you arguing? I can’t believe you are arguing!

OK, I’ll stop you in mid-argue...

You know each competing side of this argument is true because I found it on the Internet and you know the Internet is always true even when it is contradicted by the Internet.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

11 Things Humans Do That Dogs Dislike

Please tell me that you have something better to do than read the Stupid Article below that demanded I write this Blog Posting!

 

Fella has been known to ask this kind of question:

A dog doesn’t know what a dog thinks so how do they (the people who wrote this Stupid Article) know what a dog thinks?

 

OK, read this little bit of the Stupid Article to prove to yourself that you need not read all of the Stupid Article…

“Dogs are our loyal companions, but sometimes our actions can confuse or upset them. Here’s a friendly guide to understanding the things we do that can annoy our furry friends. Each point highlights a characteristic that dogs don’t appreciate, and how we can change our behavior to make them happier.”

 

“Don’t Appreciate”? ... Did the article really say, “Dogs Don’t Appreciate”? Can dogs really appreciate? Next thing we will be told We Have Offended Fido. 

 

“Change Our Behavior”? Charlie Brown is visiting with me today and he has this to say...

In my ongoing attempt to have you not read this Stupid Article I will now list for you the 11 things in the Stupid Article that Fido does not like (in Bullet Point Format) ...

• Using Words More Than Body Language
• Hugging Your Dog
• Petting a Dog's Face or Patting Her Head
• Walking Up to a Strange Dog While Looking Her in the Eye
• Not Providing Structure and Rules
• Forcing Your Dog to Interact With Dogs or People She Clearly Doesn't Like
• Going for Walks Without Giving an Opportunity to Explore and Smell
• Keeping a Tight Leash, Literally
• Being Tense
• Being Boring
• Teasing

If you insist that you are going to read the Stupid Article, here is the link to the Stupid Article...

https://www.treehugger.com/things-humans-do-that-dogs-hate-4864319

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There is a slippery slope here. Next thing we will be in court being sued by Fido. The next thing after the first next thing we will be surrounded by disapproving family members saying to us, “How could you! You have hurt Fido’s feelings!”

 

When Fido starts biting your feeding hand, we will know for sure that all is lost!

 

Would I kid u? 

Smartfella 

Lagniappe: Stop and think about these 11 terrible anti-dog things we are warned not to do. Are you done thinking? If we took these 11 Doggie Dictates seriously, we would spend our day catering to the Fidos of our world. We would have to quit our jobs because, as sure as shooting, #12 Doggie Dictate is Don’t Ever Leave Your Dog Alone. Yes, we will have to stay home and hold his paw as tightly as is necessary to assure him that you appreciate all he has done for you. Never forget, Being a Best Friend Is Hard Work!

I Didn’t Write This But I Wish I Had

God Made A Plan. It Was A Good Plan. Then Man Changed God’s Plan. It Has Been A Continuing Downhill Slide Ever Since.

As silly as this Blog Posting may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is going on down there on the planet?   What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?   I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now but all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
   Grass?  But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees. It only attracts grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:

   Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
   Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
   They cut it?  Do they rake it up as hay to feed the animals of my creation?

ST. FRANCIS:
   Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
   They bag it?  Why? Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
   No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to have it hauled it away.

GOD:
   Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
   Yes, Sir.

 

GOD:
   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
   You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
   What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
   You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away too.

GOD:
   No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
   And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
   Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
   'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about....

GOD:
   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Would God or St. Francis or I Kid u?

Smartfella

Lying Is Bad...Or is it?

This Blog Posting won’t take long...

Ø Perjury and lying to the federal government are both crimes that could land a person in some serious legal trouble.

Ø If convicted of either crime, a person could be sentenced to up to five years in prison.

Ø This means that if a person is found to have lied during a congressional hearing or investigation, or simply lied to an FBI or other federal agent, actual jail time could result.

That having been said, Fella has this to say...

Why Is Lying To Congress A Crime but Lying While Serving In Congress Not A Crime?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

You Need Some Inspiration? Go For It But It Ain’t Easy.

 

Did you just say to yourself, “Self, I think I need a pick me up! I’m going to go to my local Big Box Big Store and buy an Inspirational Book about Inspiring Stuff”.

Actually, I did not say this to myself but I did stumble across my Big Box Big Store’s Hidden Supply of Inspirational Books by accident as I was looking for the Rest Room and this Blog Posting will give you a heads-up if you decide you need to be inspired...

(You might have to click the link twice.)

If you are looking for my Big Box Big Store’s display of Inspirational Sex Books, you will be able to find them along the Store’s Center Aisle. You can’t miss the display. It’s the one with the Flashing Red Lights with the two associates (formally known as employees) giving out Cheese Dip Covered Crackers.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

If You Invent Something That Will Save 100’s of Thousands Of Lives, the World Will Love and Admire You

With Reference to the Title Of This Blog Posting, Fella says to you, “Don’t count on it”.

You say to Fella, “Well, at least, you will be rich”.

Fella says to you, “Don’t count on it”.

If someone today uses the word “Polio” that someone is likely to hear the response, “What is that?”

Polio is an illness caused by a virus that mainly affects nerves in the spinal cord or brain stem. In its most severe form, polio can lead to a person being unable to move certain limbs, also called paralysis. It can also lead to trouble breathing and sometimes death.

Dr. Jonas Salk invented the first vaccine that was effective to treat and prevent Polio...

Ø Polio affected over 15,000 Americans per year at its peak in the 1950s.

Ø Less than a decade after the vaccine was declared safe and effective, the number of polio cases in the United States had dropped to under 1,000. 

Ø Dr. Salk's valuable work did provide him with some comfortable monetary compensation.

Ø He was worth an estimated $3 million at the time of his death in 1995.

Ø However, none of his wealth came from his most famous discovery.

Ø Dr. Salk chose never to patent his polio vaccine because he believed the lifesaving vaccine should be widely distributed to everyone, so he wanted to ensure the vaccine was freely available for anyone to receive.

Ø As a result, Salk made no profit from his most famous scientific discovery.

Ø His net worth likely would have been much higher, had he chosen to patent the polio vaccine.

Ø According to calculations made by Forbes, Dr. Salk sacrificed the opportunity to become around $7 billion richer, had he chosen to patent his work.

Ø By the time he died, at the age of 80, over 30 million children had received the polio vaccine, and the disease had been all but eradicated as a childhood illness in the United States.

Ø The New York Times wrote, "Salk is profoundly disturbed by the torrent of fame that has descended upon him. ... He talks continually about getting out of the limelight and back to his laboratory ... because of his genuine distaste for publicity, which he believes is inappropriate for a scientist."

Ø He enjoys talking to people he likes, and "he likes a lot of people", wrote the Times. "He talks quickly, articulately, and often in complete paragraphs."

Ø "He has very little perceptible interest in the things that interest most people—such as making money."

^Ø   He said, “That belongs in the category of mink coats and Cadillacs—unnecessary".

^Ø   The day after his graduation from medical school in 1939, Salk married Donna Lindsay, a master's candidate at the New York College of Social Work.

^Ø   Donna's father, Elmer Lindsay, "a wealthy Manhattan dentist, viewed Salk as a social inferior, several cuts below Donna's former suitors."

Eventually, her father agreed to the marriage on two conditions: first, Salk must wait until he could be listed as an official M.D. on the wedding invitations, and second, he must improve his "rather pedestrian status" by giving himself a middle name.

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You would think that the man who developed the vaccine for polio would be celebrated and showered with awards. In reality, Dr. Salk, who did become a celebrity of sorts, was disliked by his peers and was even denied a Nobel Prize...

Ø Even before the polio vaccine was approved, other scientists questioned Dr. Salk's abilities.

Ø The scientist Dr. Albert Sabin, who created an oral polio vaccine, admitted that Dr. Salk's discovery was groundbreaking, before tearing into Dr. Salk's findings and methods.

Ø Many researchers felt Dr. Salk's constant appearances on radio and TV talking about his vaccine was a sign of a glory hound...

Remember above one of my Bullet Points made the Point about his being a “Glory Hound”, “Dr. Salk chose never to patent his polio vaccine because he believed the lifesaving vaccine should be widely distributed to everyone, so he wanted to ensure the vaccine was freely available for anyone to receive.

Ø Scientists began to mockingly call the vaccine the “Salk Vaccine”, attaching his name to it in case it failed.

Ø Dr. Sabin claimed Dr. Salk's version of the vaccine wouldn't confer long-term immunity.

Ø Some gossip mongers would later say the trial was dangerous and the vaccine could potentially kill its subjects.

Ø There were reports of patients developing paralytic polio during the trials caused by improperly prepared shots.

Ø Despite developing the first polio vaccine and becoming a celebrity, Dr. Salk was never honored for his discovery.

Ø He was denied entry into the National Academy of Sciences, of which Dr. Sabin became a member.

Ø Dr. Sabin later called Dr. Salk's vaccine as "kitchen work."

Ø Wanting to further work on biology and society, Dr. Salk established the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in San Diego, but even in his own institution, Dr. Salk was marginalized.

Ø The book Jonas Salk: A Life discussed how he was never again taken seriously as a scientist, even as he researched cures for AIDS and multiple sclerosis.

Ø He eventually saw his lab taken from him, and he was given a largely symbolic role in the organization bearing his name and he was paraded around for fund-raising purposes.

Dr. Salk died in 1995 from heart failure, before his vaccine would once again be celebrated.

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Yea, this is more than you wanted to read about Jonas Salk but you are smarter for having read it...Or are u?

Ok, I’ll sum it up for you. If you come up with a great invention that is going to benefit all of mankind, save countless lives and you think it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams...

Unless the Ilk of which you are is of the Jonas Salk Ilk.

Yes, I love using the word “Ilk” and, yes, I went out of my way to use it in this case.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Running Into The Street Screaming

 

I am spending too much of my life on the phone...On Hold...Waiting For Online Help!

These “helpful” people are paid to help me, are they not? I know what they are doing instead of picking up their end of the phone and helping me. They are sitting around drinking their Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them that’s what they are doing!

I used to believe they wanted to help me because they went to all the trouble to make a recording that tells me over and over that my call is important to them.

What I don't understand is, if the above paragraph is true, why do they play such Awful Music Awfully Loud at me while I patiently wait?

I have been persecuted by this assault on my hearing and sanity for a long time now but I was not prompted to blog about it until recently when I started noticing a significant number of people running out of their houses screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or "AAUGH!".

I assigned the responsibility of finding out why these people are acting this way to one of my best Investigative Investigators and it was not long before I had the answer when he reported back to me...

"Sir, the reason the Awful Music is played Awfully Loud is that they are hoping you will hang up the phone and run out into the street screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or " AAUGH!".

If you do hang up, then they can keep sipping their Fruity Umbrella Drinks.

Also, their assigned quota is only 2 calls handled per day and, since a hang-up call is counted as a call completion, they have probably already reached their assigned quotas within 12 minutes of starting their “work” day, therefore, they have no vested interest in actually taking your call."

I make my Investigative Investigators address me as "Sir" because I pay them well and they are afraid of me because they need the job since the Major News Networks got rid of all their Investigative Investigators and started reporting everything and anything no matter how stupid, silly or untrue the everything and anything is.  

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The Help Lines have a Plan B that takes effect if their computers have determined that you are never going to hang up...

Ø They will switch you to a Higher Level of Support at least 3 times.

Ø Each switch will ask you the same questions as the last person you talked to.

Ø A partial list of questions includes: Name?, Address?, Phone Number?, Date of Birth?, Last 4 Digits of Your Social Security Number?, What’s your favorite color?, If you had had a choice of when you would have been born, what other date would you have chosen?

Ø Answers to many of these questions you have already given to the computer before the representation that you can’t understand (because of his/her strong accent) came on the phone.

Ø Strangely enough, many times the switched-to representatives will throw in a question or two that prior representatives have not asked you.

After you have been switched 3 times, the line will go dead and you will have to call back and start all over again.

************

If you get exasperated and you ask for a Supervisor (who just so happens to be the representative in the next La-Z-Boy sipping chair), you will be put on hold...

Ø Even if you don’t get exasperated, there are many different reasons why you will be put on-hold several times.

Ø If you ask for clarification of something you are certain to be put on hold.

Ø I don't think there is any chance that you will not be put on hold because remember they are sitting around drinking Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them and they have to go get refills.

Fella Warning...Remember to look both ways before you run out in the middle of your street screaming.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I keep a list of blog ideas in a folder that might become Blog Postings someday, if I ever get around to finishing them. At present there are 251 of these might-be-blogs in this folder. The above Blog Posting went into this Holding File 7 years ago. (If you are thinking to yourself that you did not need to read this Lagniappe, go back up to the word “Lagniappe:” and don’t bother to read what you just read).