Saturday, April 01, 2017

Seems Obvious To Me

The headline to another one of my newspaper’s Must Read Articles is...

Smartphones May Be To Blame for Big Spike in Pedestrian Deaths

As we used to say in Grammar School, “No Chit Sherlock”. The predicament our Walking People find themselves in is part of an Evolutionary Process...

Ø The car was invented.

Ø In the beginning, drivers of cars in the Good Ole USofA stared intensively at the road in front of them with both hands on the wheel.

Ø Crosswalks were invented and the Walking People used them to cross streets.

Ø When a Two Hands on the Wheel Driver approached a Walking Person walking outside of a crosswalk, they either put on their brakes and/or swerved around the Jaywalking Person.

Ø The Two Hands on the Wheel Drivers who were most concerned for the Jaywalking Person’s well-being blew their horn as they put on the brakes and/or swerved around the Jaywalking Person.

Ø The use of the horn was appreciated by the Jaywalker and made him say to himself, “Self, that was a stupid thing to do. Next time I am going to use the crosswalk when I cross a street. I sure thank that kind driver with his two hands on the wheel for using his brakes and/or swerving around me while blowing his horn.”

All was well in the Good Ole USofA.


The first sign that this Driving/Walking Bliss was coming to an end was when someone invented The Finger. As if on cue, drivers and walkers started giving each other The Finger and our world was never that same again.


As if the invention of The Finger was not bad enough, other inventors got into the act...

Ø The Colonel invented his Finger Licking Good Chicken Bucket and drivers started eating, driving, fingering and licking their fingers as they drove.

Ø Then the Cup Holder was invented. No one foresaw that the holder could also accommodate a bottle of beer. Once this error was uncovered, concern for the error was set aside because no one thought that anyone would be stupid enough to drive while drinking beer...Or would they?

Ø Then the Little White Dog was invented and these cute little fellas started jumping all over the finger licking finger giving driver’s lap causing him to spill his beer as he tried to swerve around the Jaywalkers.

Ø This caused the Former Two Hands on the Wheel Drivers to shout cuss words out of the car window (cuss words had been invented long ago) and throw his Buggy Whip at the Jaywalking Person (he no longer needed his Buggy Whip anyway).


While all of this consternation was swirling around in the Hand Basket of the Good Ole USofA, Steve Jobs was invented and he invented the Smartphone.


That, my dear readers, was The Tipping Point, the Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back, the Point Of No Return and/or All She Wrote.


Now we find ourselves reading Must Read Articles in our newspapers about increasing pedestrian deaths and asking, “How Did We Get Here?”


Is it not obvious?


It is to me.


Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: Yes, I heard you ask yourself, “Self, where does the term ‘Jaywalking’ come from?” (Yes, I am always listening.)

Jaywalking comes from the fact that “Jay” used to be a generic term for someone who was an idiot, dull, rube, unsophisticated, poor, or simpleton.

More precisely, it was once a common term for “country bumpkins” or “hicks”, usually seen as inherently stupid by “city” folk.

In Politically Correct America they are now called, “Mentally Challenged Walkers”.