Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Yesterday Was A Whirlwind Day!

For those who don’t follow NBA Basketball, you might not know the Golden State Warriors are being touted as one of the greatest teams, if not the greatest team, in the history of the NBA.


For example, Saturday they played a very good Los Angeles Clippers team and won by 46 points. Their 2-Time MVB (last 2 seasons) scored 46 points and he did not play at all in the 4th quarter.


However, the team’s management has decided they need one more piece of the puzzle to win the NBA Championship this year...me.


I was contacted by the team yesterday and told that they wanted me to sign a contract and fly out immediately to join the team for their next game. The amount of money they initially offered me was unbelievably high.


Seeing their desperation, I decided to press for even more money. We negotiated for about 2 hours and they finally agreed to my ridiculous money demands. They complimented me on my negotiating skills and we wrapped up the terms of the contract right there on the phone.


My wife had already started packing my bag with my lucky socks when, almost as an aside, they asked me if I had a beard. I said I did not and they said, “We can’t use you” and hung up the phone.


I just sat there stunned.


Would I kid u?


Sunday, January 29, 2017

I Felt So Sorry For Him

I was walking along minding my own business and then I noticed something. If you are one of my Dear Readers, you already know that I’m a Noticer.


Actually this was a Hit-You-In-The-Face Notice. This college age boy was sitting on the curb with his feet in a muddy gutter crying uncontrollably. He looked so very distraught that I had to stop and see if I could help him.


I knelt down beside him and asked in my most concerned voice, “You look so unhappy. Is there anything I can do for you?”


He did not even look up as he responded, “No, you can’t help me because, with every fiber of my being, I wanted Herman Coznif to be my President and he only got one vote and that was my vote! This means he did not even vote for himself.”


He went on, “I don’t know how I will be able to go on not seeing him on the news shows every day making legendary and inspiring speeches, hearing him being quoted about and seeing him sign Executive Orders”.


Try as I might, and I tried my best, I could not console him. I decided I would have to leave him in his miserable state and I got up to walk away. I took a few steps and turned back and asked him, “How many Participation Trophies do you have?”


He answered back, “73. Why do you ask?”


Would I kid u?


Thursday, January 26, 2017

I Remember Imelda & Muammar

Imelda Marcos was the First Lady of the Philippians for 21 years while her husband Ferdinand was the President of the Philippians. If you don’t know about Imelda Marcos and her supply of shoes...Google It!

If you have better things to do than Google “Imelda Marcos Shoes”, here is a tidbit I Googled for you...

Ø Imelda loved shoes!

Ø There is a museum dedicated to her shoes where 200 of her 1,200 pairs of shoes are on display for all to see, admire and envy.

Ø Her shoes were not necessarily very expensive but, when she bought shoes, she bought them in great quantity and she bought shoes often.


Some of her shoes...



Here is the entrance to her museum...



Here is the inside of the her museum...



Shoes were not her only extravagance...

Ø On one occasion, she spent $2,000 on chewing gum at the San Francisco International Airport.

Ø On another occasion, she forced a plane to do a U-Turn mid-air just because she forgot to buy cheese in Rome.


And then there was Muammar Kaddafi of Libya…

He may have had more Silly Hats than Imelda Marcos had cheap shoes.


Years ago, before Muammar Kaddafi was made dead I and the world were very worried about him. Not being one to just sit around and worry, I devised a plan to make him change his ways by cutting off his supply of Silly Hats...


















Do you not now see why we would have had complete control over him, if only we had threatened to cut off his Supply of Silly Hats? The man just loved Absurd and Silly Hats!


Would I kid u?


Lagniappe: Yea, I know that last one is not Muammar…Or is it?

Saturday, January 21, 2017

The Question Is...Are You Done Yet?...Or Is It Have You Started Yet?

Let’s go back again to that fancy hotel I went to last month.


There I was eating my breakfast and minding my own business and I started Noticing...

Ø This 20s Something Father came back from the Breakfast Buffet Line with a plate of food that caught my Noticing Mechanism’s attention.

Ø What I noticed was the fact that Modern Father had a real big pile of food on his plate.

Ø Low & Behold (we used to say “Low & Behold” a lot when I was 20s Something Father’s age), he put his plate in front of his 6 Year-Old Son.

Ø He then went back to the Breakfast Buffet and shortly returned with a plate of food that was about the same size as his 6 Year-Old Son’s.

Ø While he was gone his 6 Year-Old Son paid hardly any attention to his Really Big Pile of Food but he devoted almost all his attention toward playing with his Action Figure.

Ø During the course of their meal 6 Year-Old Son played with his action figure, moved his pile of food around a bit and took a few nibbles every so often (actually he seemed to specialize more in the “So” than “Often”).


I have included a picture the 6 Year-Old’s Food Plate. You might have trouble discerning whether it is a Before or After Picture but I’ll give you a hint.


It is an After Picture. If you look closely, you can tell it is an After Picture because a nibble or two has been taken here and there.


Actually the Nibbles are not all Nibbles. Some of them are places where 6 Year-Old Child smashed his Action Figure head first into his food after it had leaped off the napkin holder.




Would I kid u?


Monday, January 16, 2017

We Used To Say, “Easy As Pie”. Now We Have Moved On To, “Easy As Alexa”.

There is no way Amazon can not make a lot of money now that this story has made the news... 

Who needs Santa? 6-year-old orders dollhouse and cookies from Amazon's Alexa

(CNN)...“ Megan Neitzel couldn't figure out why an expensive dollhouse and four pounds of sugar cookies were delivered to her Dallas home. She didn't order either. Neither had her husband.


Then she talked to her 6-year-old daughter, Brooke.


"The next morning, I asked my daughter and Brooke said, 'I was talking to Alexa about a dollhouse and cookies.'


Alexa is not a sister or imaginary friend, but the voice-activated digital assistant in Amazon's Echo Dot.


Brooke asked Alexa to, "Order me a dollhouse and cookies," and that's just what Alexa did.


A KidKraft Sparkle Mansion dollhouse, which costs about $170, and a tin of Royal Dansk sugar cookies soon arrived.


A check of Neitzel's Amazon app confirmed the order was made after Brooke asked the digital gadget, "Can you play dollhouse with me and get me a dollhouse?"


Brooke then told Alexa, "I love you so much!"


How is Amazon going to make so much money off of this? Don’t you see it?...

Ø They will sell a lot more Amazon Enabled Echo Thingies (Dots $49.99, Taps $129.99 and Echos $179.99) because everyone now knows how easy it is to use them.

Ø They will sell a lot more of darn near everything else they sell, which is darn near everything, because everyone now knows how easy it is to use Dots, Taps and Echos.

Ø In addition, all kinds of children who now know how to talk and read this story will start ordering darn near everything because they now know how easy it is to use Dots, Taps and Echos.

Ø Finally children who don’t know how to read will start ordering darn near everything as soon as they learn how to read this story about how easy it is to use Dots, Taps and Echos.


I can’t help but wonder if this is a Fake News Story planted by Amazon to sell darn near everything.


Would I kid u?


Thursday, January 12, 2017

Time’s Magazine’s Brilliant People & Their Not So Brilliant Plan Of Action

I have not bought a Time Magazine in decades. I’m not sure how long it was since I bought one but I think the price was somewhere around $.50. Based on what I paid for the one I just bought, it will probably be the last one I ever buy.


I paid $6.99. When the clerk told me the price I said, “No, I don’t want a six-pack. I just want one”.


I became curious about what would make those Brilliant People at Time Magazine think they could charge $6.99 for their magazine. You know what happens when I get curious.


You guessed it. I put on my Potted Plant Outfit and drove to Time’s Headquarters in New York City and slithered my way into their board meeting. What I found out was these brilliant people who run Time Magazine are not too smart.


Here is their plan for the future...

Ø They are going to continue to raise the price of their magazine.

Ø They are planning to go after a smaller market of very rich people.

Ø I actually heard one of them say, “Once we get the price up to $1,000,000 an issue we will have it made”.

Ø They have figured out they will only need to sell 10 issues per publication at $1,000,000 and they will be in able to make an excellent profit that will generate very nice bonuses into the foreseeable future.


Actually, as illogical as this thinking is, I see another major problem on the horizon for Time Magazine.


In my $6.99 issue I read a story about the recent Presidential Election that contained this quote from a Hillary Clinton supporter, “I thought, when Hillary becomes President, girls will be treated better. Boys wouldn’t boss them around anymore.”


I will not get into any commentary about whether or not there is any basis in fact about why this would be true or not. I would like to make you aware that this quote came from a 10 Year Old Girl.


Does Time Magazine really think it can get us to spend somewhere between $6.99 to $1,000,000 an issue by interviewing 10 Year Old Children?


Would I kid u?


Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I Don’t Know Who’s Training Our Criminals to Be Criminals But They Are Doing A Bad Job Of It

There once was a time when people who did bad things to other people tried to hide the fact that they were doing bad things to other people.


They used to wear masks and sneak around in the dark to conceal who they were. They did their level best to hide their identity and made every effort to not get caught.


All of this has changed and it has The Fella in a quandary.


Did you just say, “Fella, what the heck are you talking about? Give me one example of criminals exposing and identifying themselves so that they end up being apprehended by the authorities because they exposed and identified themselves.”


The Fella says back to you, “WhatsDaMatterFaYou”? Have you not been reading the newspapers or watching the news on TV or overhearing the conversation at the next table in Starbucks or listening to the car radio while you drive around texting?


The four teenagers who tortured a Special-Needs (formerly known as Handicapped) 18-year-old for somewhere around 25 minutes not only did awful things but they wanted to world to know what they had done and who they were that had done these awful things because they Streamed their awful things on Facebook Live.


I admit I am Grasping At Straws here but I’m looking for an explanation as to why they wanted to expose themselves to capture like this. It came to me that maybe they did not know what they were doing was wrong and, therefore, their actions would not upset people. I quickly realized that this was an erroneous Straw Grasping because they have been charged with...

Ø A hate crime.

Ø Felony aggravated kidnapping.

Ø Aggravated unlawful restraint.

Ø Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Ø Residential burglary.

Ø Possession of a stolen motor vehicle.


I Googled to find out which company trained these 4 Mental Midgets and found out they are graduates of one of the industry’s largest training companies, Criminal Trainers R Us.


I sure hope they have a money back guarantee so they can get their stolen tuition money back.


Would I kid u?


Sunday, January 08, 2017

(Those of you who support President Obama should resist not reading this blog posting. You ought to know my blogs better than to think my foolishness is partisan political and this one carries on that tradition, But It Is Funny, so read on.)…I Think It Is Close Enough To President Obama Leaving Office That I Can Safely Say He Has Failed

Eight years ago, after President Obama was elected, I wrote him a personal blog posting that implored him to take action on ten issues that were of the utmost importance to me and to all people in the Good Ole USofA.


As you read those requests below, no matter your side of the political spectrum, I’m sure you will agree that each request is insightful, well thought out, logical and would have made America a better place to live in, if only he had taken action on them.


He has not delivered on any single one of these requests, hence I feel I can safely say...He Has Failed!


Dear Mr. New President

(Posted by SmartFella? Wednesday, April 29, 2009)

Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication…

Ø Tattoos … Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.

Ø Tattoos Again … Until you get legislation passed regarding my tattoo request above, please electronically put those smudges that hide the faces of criminals on the nightly news over all of their tattoos.

Ø Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People.

Ø RAP Artists … Require that they get real names and learn how to spell.

Ø Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.

Ø Postal Service … Require that the Counter Agents at the Post Offices smile once an hour.

Ø Postal Service, Again … Require that Counter Agents not go on break as soon as the number of people waiting in line gets to six.

Ø Privacy Notices … Stop sending those Privacy Notices every time we turn around and have the heads examined of the three people in the United States who actually do read them.

Ø Dumb White Guys … Stop TV commercial makers from always depicting White Males as ignorant buffoons. I find it unrealistic and insulting that we have to always be instructed how to do anything and everything by every other type of species on the planet. This includes other men, women, children and talking animals.

Ø SUV Drivers … Those SUV Drivers that can't seem to fit their vehicles within the lines of their respective parking spaces should have their SUV taken away and replaced with a Yugo.

Mr. President, I am well aware that you may have one or two more pressing issues on your plate than some of my requests. I trust that you will do your best to get right on what I am asking of you because, I am equally certain, you can see that the need for action on each of these pressing issues is self-evident.

Please do instruct your Chief Of Staff to advise me once these ten have been addressed and I will send you some more.

Would I kid u?



Lagniappe: I sent him 10 requests for his consideration and action. I now see that I should have sent him 11...

Ø Please see to it that Talk Radio has more Talk than Commercials.


Saturday, January 07, 2017

No Dogs Allowed...Or Are They?

No Dogs Allowed Signs were once all over the Good Ole USofA. Now anyone who would dare hang up such a sign will probably find their business picketed within hours and sued before that day is out.


My wife and I just got back from a 53rd Anniversary 3 night stay at a Very Fancy Hotel. We were conspicuous by our presence. The other guests seemed to know that we did not belong. They kept giving us a wide berth as we walked down the halls, stared at us in disbelief as we approached and, on one occasion, a terrified guest actually turned and run in the opposite direction.


OK, I admit I exaggerated in the above paragraph...Or did I?


Again I know what you are thinking. You are certain this hotel is one place where dogs are not allowed...Or are they?


Actually there were dogs all over this fancy hotel. The rooms in which the dogs stayed had special door knob hanger signs which read, “Pet In Residence”.


In the old days a dog owner, upon checking into a motel, would be required by Motel Law to announce that he had a dog in the car and the counter agent would show him and his dog to the kennels out back.


The next morning when he went to get his dog, Fido’s eyes were as big as quarters and he was more overjoyed than usual to see his owner.


As your daughter carried Fido to the car she just might say, “Daddy, Fido feels like he gained weight”. And you would respond, “That’s his new fleas”.


Those days are gone. Now the dogs of the Good Ole USofA are not only welcomed and catered to in Fancy Hotels where our presence is suspect but they are “In Residence”.


Would I kid u?


Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Here I Was Minding My Own Business While Eating My Breakfast And Then I Noticed

I know you know I am a Noticer but did you know I can Chew and Notice at the same time? Well now you know and here is what I noticed while chewing my breakfast last Friday. I bet you are all excited with anticipation...Or are you?


There were several families with small children within my Range of Notice. They were all doing the same thing to their adorable small children. They were frequently kissing their adorable small children. (I could have said “constantly” but that would be exaggerating and I never exaggerate...Or was I?...Or do I?)


I know you just said out loud, “You are right, Fella, the modern American family does that all the time! I surely don’t notice as much as you notice but even I have taken notice of this!”


Yes, this is what we do to our children in the Good Ole USofA today. We kiss our children all over their adorable little heads.


Many times the child is not aware that it has been kissed because we kiss them on the top of their heads. This seems like a wasted kiss to me. If we are going to kiss them we ought to make sure that they know we have kissed them.


We need to build up credit in their small minds so that we can delay the time in their teen-age years when they decide that we don’t know what we are talking about about anything we talk about.


We need to delay that awful day when our once adorable small children decide that they need to follow what their peers do in everything that their peers do.


This is when we are shocked into stunned disbelief by the realization that our child has decided that his schoolyard buddy, who had 3 D’s & 2 F’s on his last report card, is smarter than we are.


Fast forward 18 years and your once adorable child has moved through his smarter-than-you-teen-age years and has graduated collage. Today you are waiting for his return from his first job interview.


He arrives and the look on his adorable face and the body language exhibited from his adorable body makes your heart sink.


You are afraid to ask but you do, “You did not get the job did you?”


He responds, “No, I got the job”.


You say, “Please, tell me what happened. Tell me the whole story. Why do you look so unhappy?”


Your son talks in Bullets Points. It is one of the things that make him so special and quite easy to understand...

Ø The whole interview went quite well.

Ø I was greeted warmly.

Ø I was offered coffee and my choice if a gluten-free croissant or a gluten-free bagel.

Ø It became obvious that the interviewer (who asked me to call him to call him by his first name, Angelina Jolie) was actually intimidated by me because he came right out and told me that he was not going to ask me any tough questions because he knew I was smart because I graduated from a northeastern university that can’t play football very well.

Ø In short order, I was offered a position.

Ø I know what you are thinking, dad, you think they offered me a very low salary and, as you predicted, I am going to have to live in a small start-up apartment, but that’s not the case. The salary I was offered will allow me to live in a house that is larger than this house in which you raised me and my 7 brothers and sisters.


At this point I had to interrupt his bullet points and I blurted out, “Why then are you so unhappy?”


His answer broke my heart as he said to me with his tear-filled eyes and quivering voice, “My interviewer did not kiss me, dad, he did not even kiss me where I could not see him kissing me! It was awful!”


Would I kid u?