Saturday, December 30, 2017

Water Heater Inspections Are Us

The above Subject is a good one for what you are about to read in this Blog Posting. Another title I could have used is…

“You Are Going To Think I Made This One Up”

On December 16, 2017 I received an email from the company who installed my new Water Heater on December 1, 2017. Here is what they told me about the safety inspection that is required of all Water Heater Installations performed in our County…

Call our Office at (xxx)xxx-xxxx as soon as possible so we can schedule your inspection. (Yes, it was written in Red.) Our County strives to perform each inspection on the date requested. To establish a set time range for the inspection please contact the inspectors directly, the day prior to the Inspection, by calling xxx-xxx-xxxx between 7:00 – 7:30 AM. You must speak directly with the inspector to confirm a preferred time range. Due to the high volume of inspection requests, some inspections may be delayed one or two business days. Please plan accordingly.

Notice the Words Of Urgency… “as soon as possible”, “contact the inspectors directly” and “You must speak directly with the inspector”.

 

This is obviously an Important Letter about an Important Inspection that must be complied with because of the Very Serious Consequence that could attack me if my Gas Water Heater has been installed incorrectly.

 

I was a bit nervous as I started to do what I had to do to comply with the Safety Requirements as laid out by my County Government.

 

Here is how it played out…

Ø I called immediately as directed to do by my installation company.

Ø The nice lady at the installation company did not seem near as nervous as I was but I attributed that to the fact that the whole process had become routine because of the many times she has had to handle these Very Important Inspection Setup Procedures.

Ø We agreed that my Very Important Safety Inspection was going to be conducted on Thursday the 28th.

Ø I put into my iCloud Calendar a notation (with alarm) that I was going to have to call and speak to my Safety Inspector on Wednesday the 27th about my Safety Inspection on Thursday the 28th.

Ø I chose 7:05am as the time my alarm was going to alarm me on Wednesday the 27th because I did not want to miss complying with the very short window of opportunity that had been given to me to call and speak to my Safety Inspector about his arrival at my house to perform my Very Important Safety Inspection.

Ø At 7:05am my alarm alarmed me but, to be honest with you, I was nervously watching, waiting and looking at my iPhone starting about 2 minutes before my alarm was set to alarm me.

Ø I dialed the important phone number and it was answered on the second ring.

Ø I remember thinking that the important answerer was standing by waiting for the phone to ring because he was fully aware about how important these incoming calls were.

Ø I blurted out my information (I had rehearsed)…My Name, Street Address, My County Permit Number and I waited for instructions.

Ø He said, “You need to phone back tomorrow (Thursday) between 7 and 7:30am which is the actual day of your safety inspection”.

Ø I said I had been told to call the day before the inspection.

Ø He said, “You need to phone back tomorrow (Thursday) between 7 and 7:30am which is the actual day of your safety inspection”.

Ø I told him I would comply with his instructions and call back tomorrow (Thursday).

Ø I put into my iCloud Calendar a notation (with alarm) that I was going to have to call back the next day (Thursday) and speak to my Safety Inspector.

Ø At 7:05am the next day (Thursday) my alarm alarmed me.

Ø I dialed the important phone number and it was answered on the second ring.

Ø I blurted out my information (I had again rehearsed)…My Name and Street Address but I left out my County Permit Number (I guess I was on edge) and I waited for instructions.

Ø The Safety Inspector who had answered my important call said, “We can’t schedule you till next Tuesday”.

Ø I quickly went through all of what you have read above and then the Safety Inspector Scheduler said, “What is your County Permit Number?

Ø I gave it to him and he said, “Your Safety Inspection is setup to be performed tomorrow (Friday)”.

Ø I asked what time tomorrow (Friday)?

Ø He said, “You need to phone back tomorrow (Friday) between 7 and 7:30am which is the actual day of your safety inspection”.

Ø I asked if he could give it to me now and save me having to phone back tomorrow (Friday).

Ø He said, “You need to phone back tomorrow (Friday) between 7 and 7:30am which is the actual day of your safety inspection”.

Ø I told him I would comply with his instructions and call back on tomorrow (Friday).

Ø Then a strange thing happened. He said that my Safety Inspector was not available on tomorrow (Friday).

Ø I asked if he was sick or just not available on tomorrow (Friday) and, if he were not available on tomorrow (Friday), how could he do my Important Safety Inspection tomorrow (Friday).

Ø He completely ignored my question and said, “You need to phone back tomorrow (Friday) between 7 and 7:30am which is the actual day of your safety inspection”.

Ø I told him I would comply with his instructions and call back tomorrow (Friday).

Ø I put into my iCloud Calendar a notation (with alarm) that I was going to have to call back tomorrow (Friday) and speak to my Safety Inspector who would not be available to speak to me.

Ø At 10:30am (about 2 hours later) my doorbell rang.

Ø When I opened the door, there stood my Safety Inspector ready for action.

Ø I came to attention and said that I was surprised to see him today because my inspection was set up for tomorrow (Friday) not today (Thursday).

Ø He did not seem at all interested in what I had just said to him.

Ø I opened the garage so he could inspect my water heater which lives in the garage.

Ø If he had had a 10 Foot Pole, he could have used it to touch my Water Heater because that is about how close he got to my Water Heater.

Ø If the inventor of the 10 Foot Pole had invented the 11 Foot Pole instead of the 10 Foot Pole, he could probably have used that to touch my Water Heater because that is probably how close he actually got to my Water Heater.

Ø He said, “That looks good. I’ll tell the computer that your Water Heater is safe”.

Ø If my garage door had been set to start closing as soon as it reached fully open, he probably could have made it back out of the garage without bumping his head.

 

I feel so much better because I now know My Water Heater Is Safe … Or Is It Has Been Inspected for Safety? … Or Is It Has Been Safely Inspected From A Safe Distance? … Or Is It It Has Been Checked Off In the County Computer?

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For those of you who are still with me on this one, I would like to bring you my thinking from my…

Stop and Think About It Department

Ø This County Inspection Requirement is setup because of safety concerns for county residents.

Ø If there were a safety problem with the installation of my New Water Heater, it would probably have raised its ugly head right after the installer had finished the installation.

Ø What I mean is my garage would have blown up during the first night after installation as we slept while our newly installed but Uninspected Water Heater was heating our water in our garage.

Ø Our Yet-To-Be-Certified-As-Safe Water Heater was installed on December 1st.

Ø It was certified as Safe on December 29th.

Ø Does it not seem logical to you that the Safety Inspector should have done his Safety Inspection on the Day of Installation before I laid me down to sleep?

 

This looks like a cushy job to me. I’m going to apply for employment as a County Water Heater Safety Inspector.

 

I bet the County would even furnish me with my very own 10 to 11 Foot Inspection Pole.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Saturday, December 23, 2017

He Was There Behind Me And Then He Was Gone

During the period of time when I was rising to the height of my mediocre automotive career, I found myself in the Lincoln Mercury Headquarters in Dearborn, MI. This building was the former Headquarters of Ford Motor Company when Henry Ford was running his company.

One of the things I remember from my visit was a large sign on the door leading out of the Men’s Room which read, “Check Your Attire”.

 

Mr. Ford ran a tight ship and he wanted his people to look properly dressed at all times.

 

Recently I was in the Men’s Room of a Ritz Carlton Hotel. As I was about to leave the Men’s Room I saw a very large mirror leaning against the wall. Seeing the mirror there made me think of Mr. Ford’s Exit Sign and I decide to Check My Attire.

 

As I looked in the mirror I remembered thinking I looked pretty good (considering it was me that I was looking at). Then I noticed that my Fly Was Open. In the instance it took me to zip up I saw a smiling Henry Ford behind me…

 HenryF  

And, in the next instant, he was gone.

Poof

Thank you, Mr. Ford. I’ll keep a watchful eye out for such things in the future.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Friday, December 15, 2017

If I Can’t Have Mine, No One Can Have Theirs

Whether you are in favor of the Tax-Reform Bill currently working its way through our 9% Approval Rated Congress or not, this is what is happening to it.

 

Many members of our 9% Approval Rated Congress are obsessed with themselves. If they can’t get what they want then the Good Ole USofA will not be allowed to have what the voting majority of the other 434 members of congress have decided is good for the country.

 

Allow me to use Silliness to demonstrate the Absurdity of this Senselessness.

 

Senator Foghorn Leghorn has the floor. He first lays out the areas of agreement he shares with his other 434 Good Friends in the Congress…

Ø He agrees that the proposal to mail out a 1,000 Bill to every citizen of the Good Ole USofA is a good one.

Ø He acknowledges that this windfall is the Key to Stimulating the struggling economy of the Good Ole USofA.

Ø He agrees that without this Pump Priming the economy will certainly go into a deep recession that will take decades from which to recover.

Ø He understands there are 10s of thousands of Americans are on the brink of committing suicide and, if these 1,000 bills are not received within the next 48 hours, these desperate folks will certainly pull the trigger.

Ø That having been said, he feels very strongly that his proposal to install little Shoot the Chutes in all chicken houses in his district is a good one.

Ø Once these Shoot the Chutes are installed, the chickens in his district will no longer have to walk to the head chopping machine but will be able to happily slide to their impending doom.

Ø There are tears in his eyes as he talks about the joy his district’s chickens will feel as they chirp out a chorus of “Wees” in their last few seconds of life.

 

He then closes with the dramatic statement that shocks every citizen of the Once Good Ole USofA into abject silence…

“I am, therefore, prepared to vote No on this very worthwhile proposal. Ever since I was first sent here to represent my district 42 years ago I have always done my duty as I saw my duty was to be done. This here life-saving and wonderful proposal will not go forward without my vote and my vote is a No Vote unless the chickens that sent me here get their Shoot the Chutes!”

Congressional Motto:

I acknowledge I don’t know what I am talking about but that does not mean I don’t know what I am talking about.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Don’t comment on this blog and tell me that, if Senator Foghorn Leghorn was the only No Vote, the proposal would pass. I know that. Do you not remember that the name of this Blog is Foolishness…Or Is It? Or stated another way… Using Absurdity to make a point about Folly.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Even If It Is Good For You, You Gotta Stay Away From It

I asked my computer, “Can Sudafed Adversely Affect Sleep?”, and I got this listing...

 

Common adverse side effects of Sudafed include:

  • nervousness
  • restlessness or excitability (especially in children)
  • dizziness
  • headache
  • fear
  • anxiety
  • loss of appetite
  • sleep problems (insomnia)
  • skin rash
  • itching
  • tremors
  • hallucinations
  • convulsions (seizures)
  • nausea
  • vomiting
  • flushing (warmth, tingling, or redness under your skin)

 

Wow! That’s a lot of Adversely Affecting! That’s a lot of Good Information...Or is it?

 

My computer then told me, “This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur”.

 

The Bottom Line Is...

Sudafed Can Cause Anything

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I showed a draft of this Blog Posting to one of my Dear Readers and it upset him so much that he said to me, “Whenever I get this upset, I have a Burning Desire to eat a piece of Roasted Chicken”.

 

Off he went to buy his Roasted Chicken.

 

About 30 minutes later he returned and he was more upset than he was when he had headed out to get his Chicken Fix. I had a hard time calming him down but eventually I did get him to tell me his sad story. His voice was quivering as he said to me, “The Gonna-Warn-You-About-Everything-People got to the Roasted Chicken ahead of me! It was awful! I don’t know what I am going to do without my Chicken Fix but there is no way I can eat that Chicken because it contains things (or was near things) that it does not have in it but which may be in it which might or might not be bad for me if I consumed them, was near them or was near someone who consumed them or was near them!”...

clip_image002

Notice, we have progressed so far along the Road to Hysteria that we are now being warned about eating Wholesome Ingredients.

 

That’s Progress!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Saturday, December 09, 2017

Remembering Growing Up Being Me And Me Being Surrounded By Those Crazy And Delightful People Who Surrounded Me

I’m getting old but it has been a ball getting to be as old as I am. I hope you stay with me on this one (it’s a bit long) and allow me to tell you what I remember about growing up being me.

I Remember Jerry Snakes…

Ø A new kid moved into our neighborhood.

Ø He was younger than the rest of us.

Ø The Rules of Neighborhood Engagement gave us older kids the right to pick on the new younger kid.

Ø His name was Jerry.

Ø From the very beginning we told him he was in mortal danger because the neighborhood was infested with Jerry Snakes that ate little kids named Jerry.

Ø This went on for months until it came to climax one Saturday when a whole bunch of Jerry Snakes actually did appear.

Ø It was really an extravaganza because the whole neighborhood joined in.

Ø There were kids there that lived around the corner (in our world “around the corner” was a long way off) who hardly knew who Jerry was.

Ø My father owned the neighborhood grocery store.

Ø About 5 of us put burlap potato sacks over our upper bodies with holes cut in them for our eyes and arms.

Ø We appeared one at a time and then all in a bunch and chased Jerry all over the place.

Ø Jerry was terrified.

Ø He ran screaming with his hands in the air as he tried to save his life every time one of us appeared to run at him with our hands in the air.

Ø It was great fun!

I’ve often wondered if Jerry was playing with us much as we were playing with Jerry.

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I Remember My Very Good Friend (still my very good friend today) Who Would Not Stop Crying In Kindergarten…

Ø I remember my teacher sat me next to him to try and make him more accepting of Kindergarten but I failed miserably.

Ø My friend eventually changed schools.

Ø I also remember the last day of Grammar School being lined up at the head of the graduating 8th grade class (I was the head of the class because I was the shortest one) and hearing the Principal Sister Mary Mary Announce over the loud speaker to the Entire School, “I remember little Fella O crying every day of class in Kindergarten. We did not think we would ever get him to stop crying.”

Ø I was humiliated!

Ø None of my classmates ever mentioned this whole humiliating experience to me.

Ø They probably felt sorry for me, and I did not care if they felt sorry for me, as long as they did not mention it to me.

Ø As soon as I got up to my classroom asking my teacher to let me go see the Principal with the Bad Memory.

Ø Once in her presence, I pleaded for a public retraction or, at minimum admission by her that she was woefully wrong.

Ø She would not relent. I can still hear her voice saying to me, “I know it was you, Fella”.

Sister Mary Mary probably was thinking I had a bad memory or she was worried about my soul going to hell because I was a Lying Little Fella.

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I Remember Being A Good School Yard Athlete And Boy Was I Fast!…

Ø I was the fastest runner in Grammar School.

Ø I went to High School and was ready to show the world how fast I was at my first Intramural Track Meet.

Ø I just knew the School’s Track Coach was going to see me zip down the track in front of the pack and come begging me to go out for his Track Team.

Ø The gun went off and the pack took off but I did not.

I was left so far in the rear that I was afraid to actually cross the finish line because I did not want the world (especially the School’s Track Coach) to see that it was me that far back in the back.

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I Remember Playpens…

Ø Mothers used to put their children into Playpens and then go about doing what they had to do.

Ø The depositing of the child in a Playpen had many benefits to the Mother and the Child.

Ø The biggest one was it kept the child from “Getting into Things”.

Ø “Getting into Things” could be any of the following… Pulling Stuff Down, Breaking Things, Eating Things They Should Not Be Eating, Getting out the Door and Falling into the Swimming Pool, Getting Out the Door And Having To Be Brought Back By A Neighbor (today the neighbor abducts the child), etc.

Ø Today a Mother can’t do all those things she used to do because she is busy following her child and preventing it from “Getting into Things”.

Ø They do, however, pray more than they used to because they keep praying the child will get tired and take a nap and then they can get something done.

Ø Sad to say, many times the child and the Mother wear out together and she ends up napping while the child is napping.

I think we little ones went right from “Playpen Life” to “Come Home When the Street Lights Come on Life”. I’m probably wrong about this Street Light Life Jump but I bet not much time did pass between those two Lives because it was safe out there under the street lights.

Lagniappe In The Middle: The Fella safe and sound in his playpen with his Fella Cousin. The Fella is the handsome one…

HenryCarrone(L)&AlexOrtolano(R)-'42

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I Remember Larry…

Ø One day after classes in High School about 6 of us stayed in the school yard to play touch football.

Ø The next thing I knew this guy, who I did not know, was throwing the football at my crotch while the other team was huddling up for the next play.

Ø It was Larry.

Ø I made it plain to him that I did not like balls being thrown at my crotch.

Ø Next thing I knew Larry was a best friend and we were hanging around together.

Ø I always picked him up when we went anywhere because he could never get his family car but that was OK because he was Larry and I was glad to always pick him up.

Ø Larry’s father was a house painter and Larry helped his father out a lot on the painting jobs.

Ø This meant Larry would often go out on dates without getting all the paint off of his body but that was OK because he was Larry.

Ø Larry was an interesting guy.

Ø Eventually along came this really beautiful girl and she actually really liked Larry.

Ø Larry could not believe such a beautiful girl would really like him and he seemed to be actually in love with her.

Ø One night he got back into my car (remember I always drove) and he announced he was not going to go out with his beautiful girlfriend anymore because, while dancing, he could tell she had a girdle on and Larry did not like girdles.

Ø He never went out with her again.

Ø Larry went away to Mobile, Alabama for College (Springhill) and I attended College at home (Loyola).

Ø One day I got a letter from Larry telling me he was thinking of leaving Springhill and going into the Marines.

Ø I wrote back and told him, if he actually did that, I would join up with him.

Ø Not long after that exchange, Larry was with friends swimming in the Gulf of Mexico and a bunch of people got caught in a rib tide.

Ø Larry went out and saved someone.

Ø He then went out again to try and save someone else and Larry drowned.

Ø I often wonder how different my life would have been if we had joined the Marines together.

Ø I would not have met my wife and not had our family and those are two very big nots.

Ø Larry probably did me an unintended favor by going back out that second time.

Ø Larry would have been a Good Marine.

Our first child was going to be named Larry but she turned out to be a girl.

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I Remember Leon In The Trunk...

Ø One time a bunch of us guys went to a Drive-In Theatre.

Ø My Cousin Leon had enough money to pay his way in but we decided to put Leon in the truck and sneak him into the movie.

Ø Why did we do that? ... Just because.

Ø Teenage boys often did things … Just because.

Ø My memory is weak here because I sometimes think I was in there with Leon but I’m not sure.

I had the money to pay my way in, so why would I have been in the trunk with Leon? ... Just because.

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I Remember Saturday Nights At The Neighborhood Movie Theatre…

Ø The neighborhood kids would often go to the Carrolton Neighborhood Theatre.

Ø We would all walk together to get there.

Ø It was about a mile.

Ø We could have taken the streetcar but did not want to spend the 7 cents it would have taken to ride the streetcar.

Ø Besides the walk was too much fun.

Ø Today neighborhood kids do not walk anywhere.

Ø They are at home playing video games.

Ø The Carrolton Neighborhood Theatre is now closed.

Ø My Mother gave me 25 cents when I left home.

Ø I paid 12 cents to get into the movie.

Ø I paid 5 cents for a delicious hot bag of popcorn.

Ø After the movie we walked around the corner and went to the Gold Seal Creamery Ice Cream Parlor.

Ø I got a double headed ice cream cone for 5 cents.

Ø I always got chocolate and banana and I licked them together.

Ø Even though it was late and dark we all walked home together because it was as much fun to walk home as it was to walk away from home.

Ø The last part of my walk was alone.

Ø We never got mugged.

Ø We never thought of the possibility of getting mugged. 

When I got home, my Mother asked for the 3 cents I had left from the quarter she gave me.

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I Remember Supplementing My Finances…

Ø My parents would often leave loose change laying around the house.

Ø One day I asked them if I could keep any money I found laying around.

Ø I was shocked when they said I could.

Ø I felt rich!

Ø I was rich!

It took me many years to realize that, as meager as our family income was, my parents often accidentally left money laying around on purpose.

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I Remember Stocking the Shelves…

Ø Remember I told you my Father owned that small Neighborhood Grocery Store.

Ø Neighborhood Grocery Stores used to be everywhere but they are now gone.

Ø On many nights we would have to restock the selves.

Ø We called it, “Putting up the Groceries”.

Ø As we stocked the shelves, we listened to the radio.

Ø We listened to Burns and Allen, Boston Blackie, The Shadow, Gang Busters, Fibber McGee and Mollie, Ozzie and Harriet, The Life of Riley, The Great Gildersleeve, The Fat Man, The Wednesday Night Fights (Pabst Blue Ribbon), The Friday Night Fights (Gillette) and others that I can’t recall at this moment.

It was great fun! At the time I did not know how much fun it was. I wish I had known. Not knowing good things that happen to us at the time that they happen to us happens a lot.

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I Remember Delivering Groceries On A Bicycle…

Ø Many of my Father’s Customers ordered over the phone.

Ø We filled their orders in the store into baskets.

Ø I delivered the orders on our grocery’s bicycle.

Ø The basket on the bicycle did not move when the front wheel was turned to make a turn.

Ø This kept the bicycle from getting out of balance and becoming hard to control.

I remember riding along and thinking to myself about that front wheel, “What will they think of next?”

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I Remember No Super Markets…

Ø In my youth the neighborhood grocery reigned supreme.

Ø Later we moved across town so my Father could take over my Grandfather’s grocery store and my Grandfather could retire.

Ø That store ended up being owned by our family for over 50 years.

Ø For many years now, it has been an antique store.

Ø We extended credit to our customers and delivered to their kitchen table by bicycle.

Ø Then the Super Market (in our case it was the A&P) came into our neighborhood.

Ø “Our” customers stopped shopping with us and flocked to the Super Market.

Ø This whole process made my Father sad and he could not understand why his “loyal” customers stopped shopping with him.

It made no difference to them that the Super Market did not extend credit (this was before credit cards) nor did it make any difference to them that we delivered on a magic front wheel bicycle to their kitchen table. They still flocked.

GroceryFloor

Floor in the Grocery Antique Store

This was a long one. Thanks for sticking with it to the end. I hope you enjoyed it.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella