Thursday, April 21, 2016

Don’t You Dare Stick That Big Thing In Me!

Today I experienced my latest in a series of Colonoscopies. I am a record keeper. Before I finish this blog I could go into my file cabinet and give you an exact number of Colonoscopies I have been subjected to but I won’t do that because you don’t really care how many I have been subjected to. Let me just say I have had my fair share of these undignified intrusions.
While I was waiting 6 hours (actually it was 15 minutes but it seemed like 6 hours) wearing that little gown that ties in the back in that little room where they leave you to wait and think about what is about to happen to you, these kinds of thoughts were running through my terrified mind...
Ø How many more of these am I going to be subjected to before I die?
Ø Any number I came up with was that number too many.
Ø Is there a better way?
Ø Maybe I could get some of those people whose lives I saved in Vietnam in my Medical Evacuation Helicopter to take my Colonoscopies for me. They seemed pretty grateful at the time.
Ø As my mind raced with ever increasing fear, I even found myself thinking that by the next time I am due for a Colonoscopy they (whoever they are) will have invented an Colonoscopy App and all I will have to do is tap the appropriate App on my Smartphone and I would be done before I knew I had been done.
All of you reading this Foolishness are smart because, if you were not smart, you would not be reading my blog are probably thinking something along these lines... Why is The Fella so panic stricken? He has already said he has had this done many times. He ought to be used to it.
My dear readers, this time was different because of something that happened in the big outside waiting room before they put me into that little waiting room where I had my panic attack. I am here to tell you, It Was Terrifying!
I was in the waiting room with about 12 other people who were waiting to get their colonoscopies done. We were all just staring, pecking at our Smartphones, reading magazines, etc. and then it happened!
In walked a man in coveralls from a Roto-Rooter Company. He was carrying a long metal probe, with a long goose neck on the front of the long metal probe that looked to be another 6 feet long and it was curled up folded back & he was holding it in the hand that was holding the long metal probe and there was a large hand crank on the back.
Everyone in the room followed his every step with their eyes. Some smiled nervously and some looked downright scared.
He disappeared into the back offices. The same offices we soon would enter when we heard our names called.
Now do you know why I was terrified in my little room in my little gown that tied in the back for those 15 minutes and why it seemed like 6 hours?
Would I kid u?
Lagniappe: Well, at least they did not end up using that Big Long Roto-Rooter Thing on me. On the other hand, I was asleep. Which makes one ask the question...Or did they?