Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Dear Federal Government, May I Please...

We have a problem here in my home county. A venue of vultures are destroying county property in a local county park & flying through the flight path of airplanes trying to take off & land at a nearby airport.

This is from my local newspaper, The Gwinnett Daily Post...

Gwinnett County, GA officials have tried for months to run off at least 250 vultures, mostly black vultures but also some turkey vultures that have been gathering at one of their parks.

The birds are spreading trash and tearing up buildings, equipment and wiring at the park. They have also been flying into the flight paths of planes going to and from the airport.

Although officials have been monitoring the vulture situation at the park for months, county spokesman Joe Sorenson said the Parks and Recreation Department had to go through channels at the Federal Level to get permission to proceed.

Black vultures, it turns out, are a protected species and the federal government has to give it blessing to go ahead.

I would like to repeat the key part of the first paragraph above... “...flying through the flight path of airplanes trying to take off & land at a nearby airport”. This is serious. Would you not think that local authorities would have the authority to shoo away some vultures without having to ask Federal Government permission?

“Shoo” is the key word here. County officials were not asking the Federal Government to kill the vultures but only to try & shoo them away.

County Officials have been Shooing for a while now & birds are proving to be Shoo Resistant.

Thankfully our Federal Government has also given permission to kill the vultures. Now, if you think that sounds like progress, it is & it isn’t because they have permission to kill 5 & only 5 of the birdies.

On the other hand, if the county succeeds in shooing the vultures away they will probably be sued by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for using an Effective Shooing Technique.

I can just hear the lawyer for PETA pleading his case in court

“Your honor, never in a million years did we think, when we heard of the Federal Government giving Gwinnett County permission to shoo away the vultures, did we ever imagine that they would be so uncaring of vulture sensitivities that they would use an Effective Shooing Technique. They ought to be required by law to use a technique that would not work. It is hard to contemplate the horror that each of these birds must have felt as they scurried away to their uncertain & unfamiliar new strange habitat!”

Would you like to look at the bright side? I am one to always point out the bright side of any bad situation. Here is the obvious bright side...

If you are killed because a kettle of these creatures made your plane crash at that nearby airport, you will be able to take solace in knowing you were killed on the Sacrificial Altar of Silliness.

Would I kid u?