Thursday, March 31, 2016

Who Would Have Thought That Bombs Would Become Obsolete

Bombs always seemed like such efficient things. They blow up. They break things that are close enough to be broken. Kill or maim anyone close enough to be killed or maimed. As efficient as they are Bombs, which we have come to know & understand, are about to be rendered obsolete by Buttons.

I watched Cyberwar Threat on Nova (PBS) recently. Nova told me it is now possible for someone to push a button on a computer & our electricity will stop flowing...

Ø We will not be able to turn on the lights.

Ø We will not be able to pump gasoline into our cars.

Ø We will not be able to safely direct our planes through the sky.

Ø Our traffic lights will cease to function.

Ø Operations in process in our hospitals will be plunged into darkness.

Ø We will not be able to open our garage doors with our remote controls.

Ø We will not be able to brush our teeth with an electric toothbrush.

Ø We will not be able to watch television.

Ø Our subways will roll to a stop.

Ø We will not be able to charge our smartphones (this is the one that will cause all too many of us to panic).

This is not a complete listing but, it ought to be long enough to convince you that a Cyber Attack is a really bad thing.

My sense is that some of us just thought to ourselves, “This is terrible! I sure hope all of this terrible stuff does not happen during the Super Bowl!”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Congress has known about the possibility of this terrible stuff happening to us for years & there are steps that Congress could take to protect and/or minimize this terrible stuff happening. What have they done about it? On a Something to Nothing Sliding Scale what they have done is a lot closer to Nothing than to Something. Why does that not surprise us?

Saturday, March 26, 2016

If Any Of You Have The Phone Number Of The FBI, Email It To Me As Quickly As You Can!

I was walking through one of my local Malls today & I came across a Kiosk that could be of significant value in our fight against International Terrorism...

clip_image002

clip_image004

I apologize for not taking a better picture. I was so excited that I messed it up. In case you can’t read the 5 signs, they are Buy, Sell, Trade, Repair & Unlock.

 

Can you see what I got so excited about? That’s it...Unlock! The FBI & Apple are fighting in court & in the media because Apple will not open the phone of one of the San Bernardino Terrorists. All the FBI has to do is visit this Kiosk & they can cancel all legal actions & tell all their lawyers to FuhGeddAboudIt.

 

I approached the Kiosk Guy & asked him if he could really open an iPhone. He said, “Which one do you want me to open”.

 

He was probably asking me if I wanted to open mine or someone else’s but I thought he meant Which Model. I replied I did not know which model but I was wondering if he could open the iPhone of the San Bernardino Terrorist for the FBI. He got so nervous that I was afraid he was going to call the police to come & arrest me, so I got out of there fast.

 

If you can help me get in contact with the FBI, I will take them to the mall & point out the Kiosk Guy while hiding behind a nearby Mannequin...

clip_image006

This has made me start losing faith in the FBI. I used to think they were all real smart guys but they should have been able to find this guy without me. I’m beginning to wonder if many of them went to work for the FBI because it was easy to spell.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Thursday, March 24, 2016

You Probably Think That 10% Isn’t That Much

I too used to think that 10% was not that much but I just changed my mind...

According to Pew Research, approximately 10 percent of the world’s 1 Billion Muslims have a Favorable Opinion of the Islamic State and Terror Against Civilians.

 

How much is 10% of the World’s 1 Billion Muslims? That’s 100 Million People.

 

Still think that 10% isn’t that much?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: If you are comforted by the numbers above, you ought to run for Congress. Those guys don’t understand numbers either.

Monday, March 21, 2016

What Do You Mean You Won’t Hire Me!?

clip_image002

clip_image004

clip_image006

clip_image008

image

 

clip_image010

clip_image012

image

 

clip_image015

image

Tat Stats:

Ø Americans spend $1,650,500,000 (that’s billion with a B) on tattoos annually.

Ø The percentage of Americans with tattoos is about 14 percent.

Ø Total Americans with at least 1 tattoo is 45 Million.

Ø The people that get tattooed say it is about artistic expression.

Ø Only 11 percent of people with tattoos get them removed.

Ø Average cost of a large tattoo is $150/hour.

Let’s all get on our knees at night & pray that, in the not too distant future, Tattoo Removing will become a growth industry.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: When I was growing up, if you saw a person with a Tattoo it meant 2 things...

1. They once were in the Navy.

2. At least 1 night while in the Navy they got drunk.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Now We Are Really In Trouble!

This Is an Announcement to the World

(Or, more accurately stated, this is an announcement to that .000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the world that reads my Blog Postings.)

In the past I have published at least 2 Blog Postings about the silliness of the Eye Witness Testimony of Eye Witnesses. The point was made that Eye Witness Testimony is unbelievably unreliable. That point is absolutely true but now I find out that the World is taking what I say seriously & overreacting.

I just read where one of our major universities has a group of their smart people who call themselves “Wrongful Convictions Proponents”. They are against eyewitnesses and I pray that my past blog postings were not basis for their wrongheaded (whatever that means) convictions. Here is a quote from one of their spokesmen...

“Eyewitness testimony is horribly inaccurate – even under the best of circumstances. We should never depend on eyewitness testimony in death penalty cases.”

Ah come on! I was only writing a blog. It’s about foolishness. Sometimes what I write is about Foolishness & sometimes what I write is Foolishness. Often time I can’t tell which it is. The World should not take the “...Or Is It?” part so seriously!

The above spokesman said above, “Horribly Inaccurate” and “Never Depend On” that’s pretty strong positions to take. Does this mean that if...

Ø If a bad guy walks into a well lit liquor store.

Ø If the bad guy has a big gun in his hand when he walks in.

Ø If the bad guy announces to the about to be dead cashier, “I am going to kill you deader than a doornail” and then proceeds to make the about to be dead cashier dead.

Ø If the bad guy says and does this in the presence of five wide-eyed eyewitnesses.

Ø If the bad guy still has his name badge on from the Piggly Wiggly which plainly reads, “Hi there! My name is Peter Fernerk. How can I help you today?”

If all of the above happens, is the judge going to throw this case out of his court because there were too many eyewitnesses who saw too much?

What’s next? Are we going to throw the eyewitnesses in jail because they are known to be “horribly inaccurate”?

This is terrible! I am truly sorry but I never thought anyone was going to pay this much attention to me!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Saturday, March 12, 2016

This Just In From My...That’s An Insult To My Intelligence Department

The constant TV Advertising for Prescription Drugs & GEICO is sometimes interrupted for an ad asking us to Buy Gold. Some of these Gold Selling Companies are offering Purchase Incentives to buy their gold.

The Fella understands how effective such Purchase Incentives can be because he can remember in the 1960s being given Drinking Glasses, Coffee Mugs or S&H Green Stamps as a Purchase Incentive to buy 12 Cents a Gallon Gasoline.

 

In my mind there is one of these Purchase Incentives that just does not make sense. That is the one that tells us, if I buy their Gold, they will send us a Safe to keep our Gold in.

 

Now, if it were a huge burglar-proof safe, I would think this would a great idea.

 

The truth is the Safe is not huge. In fact, it is rather small, light weight & can be broken into is no time at all. Actually no self-respecting burglar would bother taking the time to break into it while still in your house. It’s so small they would just pick it up, carry it home, get a butter knife from the kitchen & open it as they watched America’s America’s Most Wanted on TV while drinking a beer.

 

I can just picture the following happening all over the Fruited Plain. Two burglars break into a home whose owner has been TV Talked into buying gold & got that Itty Bitty Safe as a Sales Incentive. After a quick search they find the Itty Bitty Safe. One burglar says to his co-worker...

“I just love it when we find these As Seen on TV Itty Bitty Gold Safes! It makes our job so much easier because we know what’s inside them &, best of all, they are so easy to carry. We can significantly shorten our visit because we know we got what we came for. Although I do wish they would put a handle on them. That would make it even better! As a matter of fact, I think I will write a letter to the Gold Selling People & recommend that they start installing Easy Carry Burglar Handles.”

 

It’s like installing a decal on your home back door that reads... “Don’t break the window. The key is under the flower pot to your left”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: For 50 cents extra you can get the expanded version of the decal which adds on, “You will be glad to know we have the have the latest version of the TV Gold Safe with the Easy Carry Burglar Handle. Have a nice night!”

Friday, March 11, 2016

This Is Quite Embarrassing But In A Week The Folks Back Home Will Have Forgotten All About How Stupid We Were

The Presidential Campaign Frenzy is in such a Hysterical Unmitigated State of Chaotic Consternation that the Main Stream Media could very well overlook some very important news items about which we really would normally be very interested.

This Could Not Happen...Or Could it?

Imagine this...A joint communication has just been issued by all news organizations that make up what we consider to be the Main Stream Media in the Good Ole USofA:

 

“We are very embarrassed to report that our Unending Ongoing Continuing 24/7 Coverage of the current Presidential Campaign has caused us to leave unreported a major news story on the West Coast of the United States.

 

It seems we missed out on reporting that two days ago there was a devastating earthquake in the Los Angeles Basin which has resulted in 75% of the City of Los Angeles falling off into the Pacific Ocean. There are few survivors & really not even that much floating debris to show you.

 

We certainly understand how many of you are finding it hard to believe that we could have made this error but, in our own defense, the last two days have really been quite extraordinary out on the campaign trail.

 

Several of the candidates have really gotten nasty when referring to their opponents &, from past experience, we are keenly aware how the American News Watching Public enjoy every tantalizing word of such tirades.

 

Actually, on second thought, we are taking back all of our apologetic words above. We have collectively come to the realization that America would have been much more condemning of us if we had neglected to keep it appraised about every tantalizing happening taking place in this historic election.

 

Besides by the time we had gotten the news reports about Los Angeles sliding into the ocean to you, it had already slid & it was all gone. There is nothing that any of us could have gone to stop it & the campaign is just getting hotter day after day.”

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Hopefully this blog posting is one day late. The GOP debate was civil last night. I did not watch all of it (I usually do not watch all of any of them) but what I saw was civil & the Wall Street Journal this morning confirms that it was very toned down. In the past I have turned them off because there was too much consternation. Is it possible that last night I turned it off because there was not enough consternation? Sarcastic smile

Monday, March 07, 2016

There May Be Hope For Us After All

If you have read my Foolishness...Or Is It Blog for awhile, you are well aware that I often write about the evils of the Smartphone...

Ø Texting while driving.

Ø Not starting up when the red light has changed to green.

Ø Head tilted 85 degrees to the left in order to secure a cell phone against a shoulder while driving & applying finger nail polish.

Ø Driving while eating a sub sandwich in one hand with a little white dog in your lap with a cell phone in your other hand (Since you remember everything I blog, I am sure you remember that I actually saw this Vehicular Gymnastics with my own eyes).

This Blog Posting will now conclude by referring you to a Link about a story that appeared in my local newspaper that is the reason why the Subject of this posting is, “There May Be Hope For Us After All”.

I cannot kid u because I am all choked up.

Smartfella

Lagniappe: The article is wonderful but it did tickle me when that teenager said, “It wasn’t as bad as you would think it’d be”.

Click here: http://www.gwinnettdailypost.com/local/business/suwanee-chick-fil-a-s-cell-phone-coops-inspiring-a/article_dd0c1344-5457-54ec-b7bc-65a418d666ef.html

Saturday, March 05, 2016

But I Don’t Want A Divorce

Online Dating is all the rage in the Good Ole USofA today. There are so many ads on TV for them that GEICO is getting worried that they will not be able get all the time slots they require to place their ads (GEICO is there in front of us every time we turn around. I even tried not turning around but it did not slow down the GEICO Avalanche one bit.).

I Googled “On-Line Dating” & created the list below (many I have never heard of either)...

· Arab Dating

· Asian Date

· Atlanta Professional Singles (Is there one of these for every city in the country?)

· Badoo

· Be Naughty

· Be Social

· Black People Meet

· Book Of Matches

· Chemistry

· Christian Dating For Free

· Christian Mingle

· Connecting Singles

· Date Hook Up

· Dating Site Fish

· eHarmony

· Elite Singles

· Farmers Only

· Fish Dating

· Fish Singles

· Go Fish Dating

· How About We

· I Date Asia

· It’s Just Lunch

· JDate

· Jewish Match

· Jump Dates

· Lots Of Fish

· Love Awake

· Love Me

· Mashable

· Match

· Mature Singles Only

· Metro Date

· Mingle 2

· OK Cupid

· One On One

· Online Dating University

· Open Dating

· Our Time

· Plenty of Fish

· Professional Match

· Senior People Meet

· Single And Over 50

· Single Parents Meet

· Six Singles

· Speed Date

· Tinder

· Zoosk

Not all of these advertise on TV. If they all did, we would be sitting around Starbucks saying to each other, “I never heard of GEICO”.

----------------------------

Enter our 9% Approval Rated Congress

My sources in Washington DC are reporting to me that Congress is a great supporter of Online Dating as the most logical way to find a marriage partner.

The problem is, as is usually the problem with Congress, they are going overboard. They are Working Hard on legislation that will create a requirement that Online Dating must have been utilized before a marriage license can be issued. (“Working Hard” in Congress means they are delaying the start of Happy Hour by 30 minutes 1 day a week.)

This time, however, they are really getting carried away. A key provision of this bill is that any marriage that was not the result of Online Dating will be declared invalid & the partners of these ill-advised unions must get divorced.

Since I don’t want a divorce, I drove up to see my Senator & told him that we have been married 52 years &, when we were married, there was no such thing as Online, much less Online Dating. He looked at me & said, “And your point is? Ignorance of the law is no excuse! That applies to laws that are on the books at the time of your ill-advised actions or laws that will be on the books after you have acted on your ill-advised actions”.

Who can argue with such logic? I have contacted my lawyer & the divorce papers are being drawn up even as I peck out this Foolishness.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Some of my Dear Readers are pretty sharp. That means that some of you are seeing that most Members of Congress will have to get divorced also. Congress is way ahead of you. As usual, this law, as is the case in most destructive laws passed by Congress, does not apply to Members of Congress...Or does it? They have inserted Provision 27, Part B, Section ii, Subsection 2.5 that reads as follows, “The Divorce Requirement does not apply to Members of Congress unless any particular Member of Congress wants it to apply to him, in which case, it does apply to him”.

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Getting Control Of GOP Debates

Back in the old days when Father Knew Best & we young guys were terribly mortified if we used a bad word in front of young girls, there was a show on TV named, The $64,000 Question. Today we ought to emulate the producers of that show to get control of the GOP Debates.

Did you just say, “Fella, that sounds very interesting, please tell me more.” Don’t worry. I will explain. I always do.

The GOP Debates Are Wild & Crazy...

Ø In the beginning the moderators announce the rules.

Ø The rules are about civility, politeness, taking turns, etc.

Ø Then the moderators make the mistake of asking the first question.

Ø There must be a window back stage because, once the first question is asked, all civility, politeness, taking turns, etc. go flying out of that window.

Ø The Folks Back Home (that’s us) are sitting in our debate watching chairs saying, “What did he say? Did he really say that? Actually he may not have said that because they were all talking at the same time & I am not sure what any of them are saying. This is awful! Why am I sitting here? I must be sitting here because it is my civic duty but, if I can’t understand what they are saying, am I duty bound to even try & do my duty?”

------------------------

How Things Would Be Different If The Debates Were Being Run By The $64,000 Question Rules...

Ø Those $64,000 Question people invented the Sound Proof Booth.

Ø The contestant was put into this booth in which he could not hear anything but what was spoken to him by the show’s host & the audience could hear the answer given.

Ø In the GOP Debates all of the candidates should be put into Sound Proof Booths.

Ø The Candidate whose booth is activated would only be able to hear what the Moderator said to him & the other Candidates would be able to hear the question & the answer given by the candidate to whom the Moderator is speaking.

Ø If any of the other candidates started shouting at the answer being given, it would make no never mind because no one could hear the shouting & the shouting candidate would look a lot silly & quite a bit crazy shouting when no one could hear him.

------------------------

There you have it... Complete Control of the Debating Process!

Above I pecked out “quite a bit crazy”. Actually this may be an over reach on my part. The Folks Back Home would never believe that a Crazy Person would ever run for President of the United States...Or would they?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Dear Federal Government, May I Please...

We have a problem here in my home county. A venue of vultures are destroying county property in a local county park & flying through the flight path of airplanes trying to take off & land at a nearby airport.

This is from my local newspaper, The Gwinnett Daily Post...

Gwinnett County, GA officials have tried for months to run off at least 250 vultures, mostly black vultures but also some turkey vultures that have been gathering at one of their parks.

The birds are spreading trash and tearing up buildings, equipment and wiring at the park. They have also been flying into the flight paths of planes going to and from the airport.

Although officials have been monitoring the vulture situation at the park for months, county spokesman Joe Sorenson said the Parks and Recreation Department had to go through channels at the Federal Level to get permission to proceed.

Black vultures, it turns out, are a protected species and the federal government has to give it blessing to go ahead.

I would like to repeat the key part of the first paragraph above... “...flying through the flight path of airplanes trying to take off & land at a nearby airport”. This is serious. Would you not think that local authorities would have the authority to shoo away some vultures without having to ask Federal Government permission?

“Shoo” is the key word here. County officials were not asking the Federal Government to kill the vultures but only to try & shoo them away.

County Officials have been Shooing for a while now & birds are proving to be Shoo Resistant.

Thankfully our Federal Government has also given permission to kill the vultures. Now, if you think that sounds like progress, it is & it isn’t because they have permission to kill 5 & only 5 of the birdies.

On the other hand, if the county succeeds in shooing the vultures away they will probably be sued by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for using an Effective Shooing Technique.

I can just hear the lawyer for PETA pleading his case in court

“Your honor, never in a million years did we think, when we heard of the Federal Government giving Gwinnett County permission to shoo away the vultures, did we ever imagine that they would be so uncaring of vulture sensitivities that they would use an Effective Shooing Technique. They ought to be required by law to use a technique that would not work. It is hard to contemplate the horror that each of these birds must have felt as they scurried away to their uncertain & unfamiliar new strange habitat!”

Would you like to look at the bright side? I am one to always point out the bright side of any bad situation. Here is the obvious bright side...

If you are killed because a kettle of these creatures made your plane crash at that nearby airport, you will be able to take solace in knowing you were killed on the Sacrificial Altar of Silliness.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

clip_image001