Tuesday, April 28, 2015

There's That Nose Again Just Hanging There Being Plain

Again we have violence running through our cities. Again we are told it's as plain as the nose on your face that darn near all of this violence is being caused by Outside Agitators. People who do not live in the burning city are burning the city.

I have a fix... Our Federal Government ought to immediately make it illegal to be from another city.

That fixes that. Another job well done from the well done mind of The Fella.

Would I kid u?



Lagniappe... I just read an article from the Investor's Business Daily, & I quote... "The police blotter shows that of the 35 arrested, just three came from outside Maryland".

I never realized that 8.571428571% was "darn near all".

Sunday, April 26, 2015

The ACLU Is Easy To Spell But Hard To Understand

Quotes from my newspaper...

First Quote..."...a sprawling Islamic center that houses a charter school, hosts political debates and offers free flu shots, this Muslim congregation of doctors, engineers and other professionals east of Los Angeles exemplifies the American success story."

Second Quote... “We want to protect our homeland and our children, and we want to know the best way to do that, said Azfal Hussain, an engineer who is president of the Islamic Center of San Gabriel Valley."

Third Quote... "Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson visited the $5 million mosque here to smooth communication and bolster cooperation efforts with federal officials. For Mr. Johnson, who regards Muslim communities as a front line of defense against foreign-fighter recruitment from the likes of ISIS, the visit was part of his national tour to build—and in some cases repair—the government’s relationship with Muslims.

At a news conference, Mr. Johnson said he is asking for all Muslims, “to be on the lookout for potential acts of violence and those individuals who may be on the wrong path and steer them in a different direction, and if that’s not possible then alert authorities.’’

What follows is an Official Smartfella Recap...

  • There are in this country well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans.
  • These well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans want to protect the Good Ole USofA.
  • These well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans want to protect their families.
  • The Department of Homeland Security is asking these well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans to be on the lookout for potential acts of violence.
  • The Department of Homeland Security is asking these well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans to be on the lookout for individuals who may be on the wrong path & to try to steer them in a non-violent direction.
  • The Department of Homeland Security is asking these well meaning, good citizen, hard working, successful Muslim Americans, if they cannot steer these violent individuals with evil intent in the right direction then, they should alert authorities.

This all makes perfect sense to the Smartfella &, for any clear thinking American Citizen, this ought to be a No Brainer...Or is it?

Enter The ACLU...

The American Civil Liberties Union, criticized the government initiative, saying in a statement that encouraging individuals in Muslim communities to report suspect behavior of others has “obvious civil liberties implications on members of our communities”.

Let me see if I understand the above paragraph...

If you know your fellow man is intending to blow up your fellow man, you should take steps to try & stop them but the ACLU objects to trying to stop them from blowing up your fellow man.

There are some things the Smartfella will never understand & you, my dear readers, have just been exposed to one of those things.

Would I kid u?



Thursday, April 23, 2015

Get The Hell Out Of My Court!

I plucked these 3 examples of Foolish Law Suits from the Internet. This kind of Silliness ought to not even get into a courtroom. If they did make it in, once the judge figured out what was going on, he ought to have said, "Get the hell out of my court!".

I know why judges don't say what I suggested above. They are afraid they might get sued.

Here are the promised Truly Foolish True Law Suits...

  • When all else fails, sue yourself... A client sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes which landed him in the jail, serving a 23 year sentence for grand larceny and breaking and entering. What could he possibly have to gain by suing himself? Since being in prison prevented him from having an income, he expected the state to pay.
  • Since when were haunted houses frightening?... A client sued Universal Studios for $15,000. She claimed to have suffered extreme fear, mental anguish, and emotional distress while visiting Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights Haunted House, which she said was scary.
  • Negligent security is a legitimate claim, when you’re the victim, not the perpetrator!... A client sued Providence Hospital for $2 million. He claimed that the hospital was negligent because it had not prevented him from raping one of its patients.

If our Crack Judicial System functioned true to form in the above silly law suits, many months passed, mountains of paperwork were generated, discoveries were issued & complied with out the kazoo, umpteen witnesses were called and the judge never said, "Get the hell out of my court!".

Would I kid u?



Monday, April 20, 2015

Getting Good Employees Is Easy. All You Need Do Is Hire Good Employees…Or Is It That Easy?

Recently I saw on TV where the Secret Service Director stated that in his capacity as Secret Service Director he can't fire people without a lot of hurdles being jumped through.

Recently I saw where the Drug Enforcement Administrator said she can't fire people because of the restrictions put on her by Civil Service Laws.

The Smartfella is here to say that these two big time Federal Government Department Heads are not alone. I dare say all Federal Government Department Heads feel the same restrictions when it comes to getting rid of bad employees.

As you have come to expect of me, I have a fix to propose...

Don't Hire Bad Employees

I told you I had an answer. Another Blog Posting well done! I'm so proud of myself!

Just a moment. There was someone shouting at me over my shoulder as I was pecking out my own pat on my own back above.

I am being told that I am ill informed about that of which I speak. My attacker is shouting at me saying I don't know what I am talking about because I have overlooked the Internal Revenue Service.

It is a universally understood rule that people in charge of hiring don't rehire former workers who caused trouble or had poor performance issues during prior employment. This is, however, not the universe that the IRS does its hiring in.

Of the more than 7,000 former employees the IRS hired between January 2010 and September 2013, 824 (12%) of them were found to have had poor performance & poor conduct issues during their prior employment with the IRS.

This startling information was reported in a new oversight report by the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration. TIGTA reviewed a random sample of more than 300 re-hired employees who had poor conduct or poor performance issues in the past and found that 20% had developed new poor conduct or poor performance issues during their second go-round with the IRS.

Problem behaviors have included employees who...

  • Willfully failed to file their tax returns.
  • Gained unauthorized access to taxpayer information.
  • Abused the agency's leave policy.
  • Misused IRS property.
  • Falsified official forms.
  • Had behavioral or legal problems off-duty such as alcoholism.
  • Generally did a bad job since being re-hired.

This is the Federal Government's Classic Example of being between a Rock & a Hard Place of their own making... They can't fire bad employees but they re-hire former employees who were bad employees before they became former employees.

Have no fear. I again have a fix. I propose that we hire a whole bunch of bureaucrats to keep an eye on the former bad employees who have been re-hired so as to ascertain if they are bad employees…again.

My brilliant idea is not so brilliant after all because, if it is determined that they are bad employees again, the IRS can't fire them.

Would I kid u?



Friday, April 17, 2015

We Really Hate To Do It But We Have To Find Offsetting Revenue

Golly Gee! We have no choice but to seek more sources of revenue. The price of Jet Fuel is out of sight!

That's what the Big Wigs in the Airline Industry told us. They looked so sad. The appeared so awfully distressed. We felt sorry for them. We believed them. We said, "It's OK. We understand".

The most obvious & obnoxious revenue enhancement they came up with was Baggage Fees. Even when we found out that the Airline Industry made $5.7 Billion from the collection of Baggage Fees, we said to our collective selves, They really needed that $5.7 Billion because the price of Jet Fuel is so terribly high.

The Smartfella was thinking awhile back that, since the price of Jet Fuel has fallen like a rock, maybe the Airline Industry will be removing those Baggage Fees any day now.

Any Day Now came & went but the Baggage Fees stayed in place. Since I am a man of action, I wrote letters to the CEO's of every U.S. Airline asking when the Baggage Fees were going to be removed.

You probably know by now that when The Fella Asks...The Fella Gets an Answer. Within hours of receiving my letters the Airline Industry had a big video conference & they issued a unified statement about the removal of Baggage Fees. They sent it to me & I am attaching it to this Blog Posting...


Would I kid u?



Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Proof (Again) That I Know What I Am Talking About (Again)

My dream is that you, my dear readers, will stop being skeptical of me & will blindly believe everything I have to say about anything.

Just 2 days ago I told you about how we are being ruled by a Building (the White House)... http://forii.blogspot.com/2015/04/who-elected-this-building-aka-government_13.html.

Today on the front page of my newspaper there is an article that firms up my seemingly silly contention...

Here are Proof Excerpts from this revealing article...

Ø "winning the endorsement of a reluctant White House"

Ø "The White House said President Barack Obama would sign the legislation"

Ø "The legislation, if enacted, would represent a rare assertion of congressional power over a foreign-policy matter that the White House would have preferred to handle alone."

Ø "The White House had urged Democrats to reject the bill"

Ø "The original bill, opposed by the White House"

Ø "Meanwhile, the White House still faces hurdles in reaching a deal by the June 30 deadline. "

Ø "as the White House escalated its outreach to Capitol Hill"

There you have it. Proof positive that I know of which I speak. Admit that you doubted me. Say you're sorry.

Would I kid u?


Lagniappe: If you want to read the entire article for yourself, click below…



Monday, April 13, 2015

Who Elected This Building? aka: "Structured Government"

Every time we have voted for President we have voted for a person. Once in office the President starts telling us what he (so far it's a he) thinks, intends to do, is going to go, what we ought to do, what we have to do, etc. However, more & more our Elected President is being replaced by an It.

Have you noticed that the Unelected It is in control? Of course you have not but that's why you have me. I do the noticing for you.

We continually read these types of statements in our newspapers...

The White House published new regulations for the banking industry.

The White House has released its long anticipated guidelines for stem cell research.

The White House has clarified of its earlier position on foreign travel restrictions.

Are we being ruled by a Building? If so, that raises very interesting questions...

Ø Is this legal?

Ø Has there been a coup d'état?

Ø Should we be concerned?

Ø Is this even constitutional?

Ø Can we object?

Ø Should we take up arms?

Today all hell broke loose in the halls of congress. Congressmen & Senators were poking holes in the air with their fingers at an alarming rate. The Good Ole USofA is on the brink of a constitutional crisis because our ruler has authorized a new paint job for itself without Congressional Approval.

I told you it was serious.

Would I kid u?



Saturday, April 11, 2015

I'm Right Again!

Sounds like I am bragging in the Subject of this Blog Posting but, bragging or not, it makes me sad to be right on this one.

On April 1st I published a Blog Posting http://forii.blogspot.com/2015/04/negotiating-with-iran-or-why-bother.html which said that we were wasting our time negotiating with Iran's Negotiators because the Ayatollah is the only one who had the power to say, بله (yes) or هیچ (no).

The negotiator got a Persian Ticket Tape Parade when he got back home. The whole country shouted out a collective "attaboy!". (I could not find out to say "attaboy" in Persian.)

They can shout all they want but the key Persian was not shouting. You guessed it, the Ayatollah was not shouting.

One week after the "agreement" to come to a final "agreement" in the next 3 months was announced the headline in my newspaper reads, "Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Blasts Terms of Nuclear Framework Deal".

In my newspaper the big guy has made a couple of his positions known about Absolute Key Provisions of the Agreement to Maybe Agree Later On Down the Road Agreement...

Ø He said هیچ to having the sanctions come off over a period of time. He said they must come off as soon as the agreement is signed.

Ø He said هیچ to allowing Unfettered Access to facilities for Inspections. This guy doesn't mince his words, "It must absolutely not be allowed for them to infiltrate into the country’s defense and security domain under the pretext of inspections. Military officials must not allow strangers into this private domain under the pretext of supervision and inspection, or stop the defensive development of the country.”

White House officials said the fact that the Ayatollah is pitching the deal at all is encouraging. (Look up "Grasping at Straws" wherever you like to look up stuff.)

The Smartfella says, if this were a real pitch, baseball would classify it as a Fastball Slider Curveball Change of Pace.

If the Chicago Cubs had this guy in their lineup today, they would be a lock to break their 106 Year Old World Series Drought this very year.

If he were pitching for the Cubs, he would certainly make the All Star Team because anyone who got a hit off of him would have their hands chopped off.

Would I kid u?



Friday, April 10, 2015

Continuing Our Collective Slide Down The Slippery Slope...Criminals Showing No Fear Of Being Caught

Below are 3 examples I serve up to prove the startling premise I pecked out in the Subject of this Blog Posting. I made up one of them. Can you figure out which one is the complete fabrication of my silly mind?

Ø A robber (if I were a true professional news reporter, I would have written "suspected robber") took an unspecified amount of cash from a cell phone store at 10:30 a.m. on March 30th. The robber made no attempt to hide his identity &, during the course of the robbery (if I were a true professional news reporter I would have written "suspected robbery"), he ate Lay's Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips & Funyuns.

Ø A man wearing his work uniform, including his name tag, stole approximately $1,200 from a Dry Cleaning Store as it was nearing closing time on April 2nd. As he was leaving the store, the proprietor asked him if he was aware that he had his work uniform on & he replied, "That does not bother me. Lots of people work there."

Ø On April 3rd a man picked up a large canister owned by The Children's Miracle Network from the checkout counter at a local grocery store & carried it out of the store in plain sight. Once outside he broke the canister open, gathered up its contents & returned inside the store & processed the money through the CoinSTAR Machine. He reportedly made off with just over $100.

While you are trying to figure out which one of these 3 brazen robberies is a fabrication of my foolish mind, do not lose sight of the fact that 2 of them are absolute fact as reported in my local newspaper this very day.

I would not be so bold as to say the Battle for Truth, Justice & the American Way is completely lost but I can see the darkness at the end of the tunnel.

Would I kid u?



Tuesday, April 07, 2015

I Am Ashamed Of Myself!

In the NCAA ESPN Bracket Competition:
Ø I was in 21,337th place. That means 21,336 pickers were better than I was.
Ø My percentage (don't ask me how they figure this out) was 99.8%. That sounds pretty good but it is still .2 percentage points below perfection, which is always my goal.
Ø I accumulated 1,570 points (don't ask me how they figure this out). The National Bracket Winners had 1,830. This means I was a whopping 260 points below those 2 guys.
On the other hand, when compared to the President of the United States, I did pretty good...
Ø Our leader was in 6,996,358th place. That means I was 6,965,021 places better than he was.
Ø His percentage was 38.5%. That means I was 61.3 percentage points better than he was.
Ø He accumulated 760 points. That means I had 810 more points than he did.
The Bottom Line... Considering some of the crazy reasons the voters in the Good Ole USofA give for voting for whom they vote...
I am hereby announcing my Candidacy For President of the United States
Would I kid u?
Lagniappe: Of course I'll need a slogan. Do you think "I Am 6,965,021 Times Better Than Your Current President" is catchy enough?

Sunday, April 05, 2015

If Your Child Was Better At Something, Would You Not Want That Something To Be Something?

An "educator" in Minnesota said this idea arose during her Internet Search for an activity that the entire school could do. “Who doesn’t play with Bubble Wrap?" she said. “It’s instant gratification with a noise."
If you look up "Mental Midget" in the dictionary, there is a little picture of this "educator" next to the definition.
When the Fella was young we admired people that did something of consequence...
Ø The Grammar School Student who won the National Spelling Bee in smashing fashion by spelling a word that the judges had never heard of.
Ø The High School 9th Grader who climbed Mount Everest during his Lunch Break.
Ø The College Freshman who broke the world's record in the 100 Yard Dash running backwards.
Too many of today's Grammar, High School and College Students (the Fella defines "too many" as any number more than one) are participating in massive efforts to establish Guinness World Records for Popping Bubble Wrap.
There you go again thinking I made this one up. When will I convince you that I don't need to make up Foolishness. All I need do is read my newspaper.
It all started when Hawthorne High School established the original record in January 2013 with 366 students doing the popping.
Challengers began surfacing about a year later...
Ø A University of Florida team topped Hawthorne.
Ø Bramley Church of England Primary School, in Hampshire, U.K., grabbed the record next.
Ø Then Gonzaga College SJ, a Catholic boys secondary school in Dublin, Ireland, claimed the crown.
Ø A couple of weeks later that record was beaten by Riverside Primary School in Tasmania.
Ø Last May more than 700 students and teachers and staff from a West Scranton, Pa. school sat shoulder-to-shoulder on the gym floor and popped bubbles on Bubble Wrap Packaging. While West Scranton’s record didn’t hold for long, one of the teachers is sanguine about the brevity of its reign. “It doesn’t take away from it,” she said. “Even if you have it for 10 minutes you’re still the world-record holder. You have bragging rights.”
Ø Less than three weeks later, a school in Elk River, Minn., broke West Scranton’s record with 942 poppers.
Ø Alas, all glory is fleeting because Oral Roberts University broke that record in January, with 1,011 students, faculty and staff.
The popping frenzy started two years ago when Sealed Air (makers of bubble wrap) teamed up with a school for Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.
Did you take note of the word in the above paragraph that raked across my brain like finger nails on a chalk board? Thank heaven you saw it too... "Appreciation".
Johnny, what do you appreciate and admire? Is it Astronauts who fly to the moon? Is it Scientists who find cures for deadly diseases? Is it that Coach who called that pass play in the Super Bowl on 2nd and 1?
You know the Good Ole USofA is in deep trouble when Johnny replies, "Bubble Wrap Poppers".

I do see a sign of hope in all of the Foolishness above. So far Members of Congress have not joined the competition.
Would I kid u?
Lagniappe: Several Saints flipped over in their graves when that Catholic School put bookmarks in their text books and joined in this Silliness.

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Negotiating With Iran or Why Bother?

Let your mind's Eye (whatever that is) wander with Fella for a minute. Let's say it's Super Bowl Sunday. The coaches for the 2 teams are on the field in heated negotiations about...

Ø What will the inflation of the ball be.

Ø How many players can be on the field at one time.

Ø How long the game will last.

The fans are sitting in the stands saying to their collective selves, Why are the coaches wasting their time? The Commissioner of the NFL has already...

Ø Flatly & publically stated that they will not be allowed to use a football.

Ø He has forbidden any player from leaving the locker room.

Ø He has personally disconnected the electricity from the game clock & said he will not plug it back in.

There you go again saying there I go again being silly, pecking out foolishness & wasting your time...Or am I?

This is what is happening in our negotiations with Iran. The real power in Iran is the Ayatollah. He is like a bearded Lola. Remember the Broadway Play Damn Yankees?


Whatever Lola Wants.

Lola Gets.


My newspaper tells me the following...

"But after more than 18 months of direct negotiations, Western officials said there are signs Mr. Khamenei hasn’t empowered his negotiators to give ground on the few remaining sticking points.

These include the pace at which United Nations sanctions on Iran would be removed, the scope of Tehran’s future nuclear work, and the ability of international inspectors to access the country’s nuclear and military sites."

Few Remaining Sticking Points? Huh? These 3 things look to me like they are the reasons why the "negotiations" were ever started in the first place...

Ø Sanctions removed.

Ø Future bomb making activity.

Ø Inspections about bomb making activity.

I just had a visit from one of our crack negotiators. He was looking over my shoulder as I pecked out this Blog Posting. He got really excited & red faced as he shouted at me, "What do you mean we have not made any progress of substance? You don't know what you are talking about! We have made a lot of progress! We agreed what time we would break for lunch! We agreed not to hold meetings while Iran's Soccer Team was playing a match! We agreed that our respective little flags on the negotiating table would be of the same size & height! Fella, you ought to have your blogging license pulled!"

In the Subject of this bit of Foolishness I wrote... "Why Bother?". Now you know why I bothered to say, "Why Bother?". It's because the only guy who can make any decisions did not Bother to attend the negotiation meetings.

Would I kid u?