Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rewriting History … Again

I see where the Governor of New Mexico is hankering (that’s old west talk for yearning to) pardon Billy The Kid. The Smartfella? always finds himself hankering to understand why his fellow man gets himself all tangled up about such things. Such happenings always bring up questions in my puzzled mind…

  • Why bother taking the time to hanker to to do it?
  • Should not the governor be devoting his time to more pressing issues?

If little Billy is actually pardoned, it seems just as logical to consider other equally silly actions that ought to follow right behind…

  • Should we not forgive Ivan the Terrible for being terrible?
  • Once little Billy is pardoned should we not then declare that the 21 people he killed did not become dead?
  • Should not the descendants who were not born of the 21 people who were not killed then be given compensation for the life that they did not lead?

As an aside…

In doing my extensive research for this Foolishness, I spend 20 minutes reading a site on the Internet about Billy the Kid called Fact vs. Myth. This was, at the same time, very enlightening and confusing. I found out that everything we know about little Billy is not true, starting with He Was Not Little…

  • He did not kill 21 people.
  • He was not ugly.
  • He lived to a ripe old age (probably on a Brussels Sprouts Farm with Butch Cassidy & Elvis).
  • He did not have a bad temper.
  • He had a good sense of humor.
  • He was not a big time cattle rustler.
  • He did not join Jesse James’ Gang.
  • He did not kill his first man because that man insulted his mother.
  • He was not chubby.
  • He was not left-handed but was ambidextrous and primarily right-handed.
  • He was not illiterate.
  • He did not shoot a man in a hotel for snoring too loud. 
  • He did not drink too much.

Heck, this guy was a saint! The least the Governor could do would be to change his name to Billy the Adult.

Would I kid u?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Little Spaces Mean A Lot

I recently bought a dress shirt from Wal-Mart that was made in China. It really looks as nice as one of those shirts that cost 5 times as much which is sold in that store that advertises every week on TV. You know the one where you buy sports coat and you get 5 shirts, 3 sweaters, 4 pair of pants and 1 kitchen sink for free.

There is one problem with the shirt. It takes a herculean effort to drive any button on the shirt through to the other side of the hole.

The problem is that there is a severe shortage of Button Hole Space in China. This is the main reason driving China to be so aggressive. They are fully prepared to go to war to acquire more hole space. This, of course, is the primary reason for their current massive military buildup.

If we, as a society, would donate our excess hole space to some international do-good group and have them ship it over to China, they might like us more and we could save a lot of lives in the future.

Or maybe we could just send them a lot of small buttons.

Would I kid u?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Don’t They Have Anything Better To Do?

Is there an answer to the subject question of this Foolishness…Or Is It?  Yes there is an answer. It is a very loud and emphatic, You bet there is!. The problem is I seem to be the only person who knows that answer.

What the heck am I talking about? Again it involves our elected representatives. I hope I’m not getting into a rut here but the Foolishness just keeps flowing out of the Halls Of Congress. Please, allow me to explain…

My research tells me that, during the reign of the Congress that just concluded, our representatives took valuable time to issue hundreds of Congressional Commendations (they do this during the reign of every congress). I tried to research just how many had been promulgated during 2010 but I could not pin it down. A few days ago I heard a Talking Head say that it was 700 but I could not verify that figure on the Internet. Therefore, I will not say it was 700 because, I may be Foolish, but I try to be accurate about my Foolishness. Let’s just say it was a whole bunch.

What I did find out while doing my research was Congress Commended such silly things as (three examples)…

  1. A female Little League baseball player who did good.
  2. Any number of people whose major accomplishment in life appears to have been that they lived long enough to become old.
  3. Acknowledged the man who established the first bakery on Saipan after American troops successfully defeated Japanese forces in 1944.

The problem is the cart is before the horse here. If these Commendations were something that happened at the end of a Congressional Session after all important business had been concluded, I would not have been inspired to concoct this Foolishness. The sad news is we just concluded a congressional Lame Duck Session that was cram packed with really important legislation.

Somewhere back in the prior eleven months that this congress was in session they found time to do umpteen Congressional Commendations. Then at the very end of the session they got around to a whole bunch of the “really important” stuff. This really important stuff was hammered together in a wild, cantankerous, finger pointing filled, up against the Christmas Break and full frenzied couple of weeks.

If you are one who spends his day watching the ESPAN channels and you see a member of our 9% Approval Rating Congress step to the podium and say, “I rise today in recognition of…”, use those words as your signal to take a nap, got to the rest room or go get a beer. If you stay in your chair, you are going to waste your time watching one of our members of congress waste his time.

Would I kid u?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

If We Could Get Rid Of This Guy, We Could Afford Anything!

I saw an ad in today’s newspaper for a Hearing Aid Device. Here is what the ad promised:

  • You will be able to hear pins drop.
  • It is so small it is barely visible.
  • It has an Advanced Micro-Chip that gives you remarkable sound quality.
  • You will be able to hear every sound loud and clear.
  • You will be able to listen to TV and hear everything.
  • It is great at the movies and in live theaters.
  • You will hear all of nature’s sounds.
  • You will be able to participate in conversations without missing a word.
  • You will be able to hear what others are saying – even if they are far away.

Does that sound (read) great?

Must cost a fortune! Cost is the reason for this Foolishness…Or Is It?. This wonderful hearing aid cost only $9.95 per ear!

Too hard to believe? The advertiser has a very good explanation why it is so cheap…

“We cut away unnecessary middlemen and sell directly to you.”

There you have it. This is the reason why things cost so much. It is the evil middleman! This dastardly fellow has taken the cost of hearing aids from $9.95 to $3699.99 per ear! That’s quite a markup!

If we could just get our 9% Approval Rating Congress to hold some hearings and pass some laws about this awful situation, we could all be happily watching really inexpensive Big Screen TVs, using I-Thingies of all kinds and feeling the beat of life-saving New Heart Valves for mere pittances.

Would I kid u?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Get All My “Inspiration” For Blog Postings From The Newspaper … Or Do I?

This time I got my Foolishness from this night’s TV news.

It seems the Senate is wrestling today with an Omnibus Spending Bill that is just under 2,000 pages long.

Remember Obama Care? It was 2,700 pages long.

The Stimulus Bill was more than 1,400 pages long.

I just got the following information online from Political Hotsheet of October 10, 2009… “It should be noted that spending bills routinely exceed 1,000 pages, as do some other bills. President Bush's 2007 budget bill was 1,482 pages long.”

This one is easy…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 1,000 pages.

Do you think I need be more specific? OK I will be more specific…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 12 pages long.

Congress might just go for this if the proponents of the 12 Pages & No More Than 12 Pages Bill would point out that bills of this size would ensure that they could all be at Happy Hour when the bell rings … Every Day!

Would I kid u?

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Wal-Mart ... Guilty Again

If you read the newspaper on a regular basis you will see many articles that tell you that Wal-Mart is an evil beyond comprehension. Almost every time they want to open a store there are articles about how the new store will be awful for the neighborhood, the environment, the traffic flow, the health care of the employees (especially The Children), the trees, the migration path of the caribou, etc. Then, when the store opens up, it is covered up with shoppers eager to save money.

I am not just pecking this out for finger exercise. I have a solution to propose...

  • The federal government ought to take an active roll to minimize the footprint of Wal-Mart.
  • Our Government should buy a huge track of land to accommodate all the stores that Wal-Mart will build in the next 50 years.
  • Then all of the next 50 years stores could be built in one location.
  • I'm certain each of you have already seen the benefit to our society by taking this bold action...

o Only one neighborhood will be negatively affected.

o The environment will only be damaged in one location.

o Traffic patterns will not be disrupted anywhere but this one location.

o The health care of the employees would still be an issue but I have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress is chomping at the bit to address this problem because it directly affects The Children of the employees.

o Trees would only have to be removed in this one area and, if we selected a location in the middle of Death Valley, this issue would become mute.

o I also have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress could find an area that would not interfere with the migration path of the caribou.

Being as sharp as I know all of you to be, you are probably thinking to yourselves that I have missed out on where the Federal Government will get the money to finance this huge undertaking. I've also have that covered...The Tobacco Tax. This is where Congress already gets a lot of its money.

I do see the fallacy of depending so often on the Tobacco Tax. We, as a society, are smoking less and this tax revenue source is drying up. I propose to counter this decrease in tax revenue by collecting five cent per cigarette from people who used to smoke but are now guilty of trying to smoke less and preventing our rulers from collecting a tax on what they were smoking when they were smoking. Makes sense to me!

Would I kid u?

Thursday, December 02, 2010

There Is More To Football Than Big Guys Playing Football Games

I am in the middle of reading the New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton’s book entitled Home Team. While I am enjoying his book greatly, this is not a pitch for you to buy this book. Is a simply a recommendation that you read Chapter 19, Do Good.

Go into your local book store, stand in the aisle and read this single chapter.

It will make you feel better about the world in which you live.

Would I kid u?