Monday, November 30, 2009

The Smartfella? Just Got Back From New York City

Here is what caught my eye…
• Individual Walking…
o A significant number of people cannot walk the streets of NYC without earphones sticking in their ears.
o The rest of them cannot walk the streets without talking on their cell phones.
• Group Walking… All NYC residents live in apartments but they are not permitted to be in their apartments any more than six hours a day. By law they are required to walk up and down the streets the other eighteen hours.
• English Speaking Walkers… There are none.
• Multitasking… Some NYC residents have acquired the ability to talk on their cell phones and type on their computers at the same time.
• Corned Beef Sandwiches… $15.
• New York Times… $6 on Sundays.
• Waiter in Little Italy… I have been drinking Dark beers more than forty years. One of my favorite Dark beers is Heineken Dark. I asked my waiter if his establishment had Heineken Dark. He looked me right in my ignorant eyes and said, “Heineken does not make a Dark beer".
• Cabs… Every fifth car on NYC streets is not a cab.
• Airline Food… A single ginger tasting cracker.
• Pleasant Surprise… The people (except the above mentioned waiter) were friendly.
• Saddest Thing I Saw… Nine o’clock mass in a huge Catholic Church had somewhere between 40 & 50 people in it. You would think that, in a city of more than 19,000,000, people they could have scrapped up more than that.
• Fashion Trend Coming To Your Feet… You are going to love your feet! I saw numerous people wearing old fashioned looking tennis shoes (Converse/Keds) that were either bright Purple or bright Pink (men were wearing pink too).

Would I kid u?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

GrandmaNearYou.com

By way of this Foolishness…Or Is It? I am formally offering each of you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a Sure Fire Money Making New Venture aptly named...
GrandmaNearYou.com

If you are one to quickly know an financially sound opportunity when you see it, you will be writing a check even before you get to the end of this one...

Back when my Mother used to visit us for various holidays we flew her to wherever we were living at that time...Los Angeles or Detroit or Milwaukee or Detroit (again) or Atlanta or Los Angeles (again) or Atlanta (again). My family was always excited to see her, especially since she was sure to be carrying 5 pounds of Cousin George’s Italian Sausage and several jars of Ma Brown Kosher Dill Pickles (I have never found them outside of New Orleans).

One visit, as my family and I sat waiting in an airport for her to deplane, I watched all the Grandmas from all over the United States who had flown in for the holiday. The idea for this Sure Fire Money Making New Venture hit me like a thunderbolt!

Why not use the computer technology that we have now developed to locate a Grandma that is closer to the where your family lives and bring this, more conveniently located, Grandma over for the holiday? The family whose Grandma you "took" could do the same with a Grandma in their own neighborhood. The computer data bank of available Grandmas could do the locating and arrange for the pick ups and drop offs, etc.

In making this suggestion, I am not being heartless because the Grandma that you had been intending to fly in, at great expense, would likely just have to go a few blocks to her new Holiday Family. On your end you would save a bundle in airfare. (As we roll out this idea, we will surely face strong opposition in Washington, D.C. from the evil paid lobbyists of the Airline Industry.)

The further benefits for the Stay At Home Grandmas are too numerous to list in their entirety but here is a few of the obvious ones:

  • Would not have to pack and unpack her suitcases.

  • Would not have to stop the newspaper.

  • Would not have to stop the mail.

  • Would not have to put the dog or cat in a kennel.

  • Would not have to get herself to the airport.

  • Would not have to suffer the humiliation of being frisked (while that guy with the two foot long beard wearing a robe walked right by her).

  • Would not have to have to take off her shoes during the frisking process.

  • Would not have to sit in a cramped airplane for hours.

  • Would not have to eat airline snacks (they used to get actual food that they would not have to eat).

  • Would not have to be endangered by terrorists.

  • Would not have to sleep on an unfamiliar bed and pillow while visiting.

  • Would not have to fly back home and again be exposed to all the above airline persecutions.
Heaven knows that a lot of American Males would jump at the opportunity to have a different Mother-In-Law.

Variety could also be added to your life because your new Grandma quite possibly would introduce your family to her own special cooking talents.

Again computer technology could be used to make this a Win-Win Proposition for all involved by use of computer technology to tailor make your conveniently located grandma. The form where you applied for your substitute Grandma would allow you to fine tune your replacement Grandma…
You would be able to pick from one of the following:

  • Black hair

  • Brown hair

  • Red hair

  • Grey hair

  • Blue hair

You would be able to specify a cooking specialty:

  • Italian

  • Mexican

  • French

  • German

  • Chinese

You would be able to select a nationality:

  • Anything but French
The potential of this brilliant (if I do say so myself) idea is boundless! This may be your last chance to become one of the Filthly Rich.

Become a Charter Owner of GrandmasNearYou.com today! Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Send your check to:
GrandmaNearYou.com
c/o The Smartfella?
What A Deal, GA 30096

Dig deep. The bigger your check the larger will be your percentage of ownership permitting you to become filthly sooner than your fellow investors.

Would I kid you?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

How Do “They” Know That?

We are constantly being barraged by “them” & their numbers. Who are “them”? Are “them” related to “they”?

What the heck am I talking about? I’m not sure. Hold on a moment and I will collect myself (whatever that means) and I’ll be back with you in a bit.

Pause … Pause … Pause

OK, I remembered what sent me into this tirade. I have been told by my radio that the following is fact…
In The Last Year 82,000,000 Americans Contemplated Suicide
I ask you, How Do “They” Know That?

“They” would probably give me the standard response, “Researchers” told us.

Who are Researchers? Are Researchers in any way related to “them” and “they”?

Did “they” ask 82,000,000 people if they had contemplated suicide?

Ok, I know what “they” did. “They” asked a smaller number and extrapolated that smaller number into a larger number…
• If “they” asked 39 people and 10 said they had contemplated suicide, this would be 25.625%.
• There are about 320,000,000 people in the country at this time.
• 320,000,000 times 25.625% equals 82,000,000 suicide contemplating people.
That’s it! That is how “they” got to their number. I should have known that “they” would not give us a bum steer (whatever that means).

If this satisfies your curiosity, you can consider the matter closed and I encourage you to go do something constructive with your time.

IF YOU ARE NOT A FOOTBALL TV WATCHER, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND, OR CARE, WHAT THE SMARTFELLA? IS TALKING ABOUT (I hope this is a first time you have not cared what the Smartfella? is talking about).

The other factor that must be taken into consideration is what universe of people “they” canvased with their suicide question. If “they” had asked New England Patriots football fans within an hour of the end of the Patriots game with the Colts last Sunday, “they” very well might have gotten 25.625% of them to say they had contemplated suicide within the last year (actually within the last hour).

What happened Sunday was the renounced, highly praised and never-makes-a-mistake coach of the Patriots, Bill Belichick, had just ended the titanic struggle by making one of the worst decisions in the entire history of football (pee wee, grammar school, flag, touch, YMCA, high school, college and professional). With only seconds more than two minutes left in the game and his team ahead by six points, Coach Belichick had called for his team to go for a first down on fourth down on their own 28 yard line. He forsook punting the ball and having the Colts start their possession somewhere around 60 to 70 yards away from the Patriot’s goal line. Belichick’s team did not make the first down by a football length. That gave one of the best offensive teams in football today, with maybe the best quarterback in the history of the game, a first down inside Belichick’s 30 yard line with 1:57 left on the clock. Four plays later with 13 seconds left in the game the Colts scored a touchdown and Belichick’s Patriots lost by 1 point.

The Smartfella? thinks that 25.625% was probably a low number of Patriot fans who were contemplating suicide in the aftermath of that bit of football stupidity. He also thinks that the wrong question might have been posed to the distraught fans. If “they” had asked, “Have you ever contemplated murder in the last year?”, they very likely would have come up with a much higher percentage.

Would I kid u?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Progress In Education?

In the AJC of 11/12/09 is an article on the front page that contains…
“For the first time in its history, the Georgia Department of Education this month will hand out grants for schools to pioneer the use of “handheld computing” to see if it engages students better than traditional book-and-paper methods.”

This makes the Smartfella? a bit nervous. I fear that blind faith in calculators may become a problem. If students do not understand numbers will they accept any answer that their calculators put out because the answer must be right because the calculator put it out? Allow me to belabor the point…
• Will the engineers of the future understand the inviolate principle of, Garbage In…Garbage Out? If they want to know what 5X5 is and they put in 5X55 and find their answer is 275, will they not become suspicious?
• Will the makers of the calculators have no understanding of numbers and, therefore, come up with machines that punch out bad results all the time and really screw things up for everyone?
• Will the rocket scientists of the future send rockets to Mars but end up blowing up downtown Albuquerque?
• Will the students of the future be taking their final exams and try to find the answer of 558X863 but come up with an answer of 17 say to themselves, “Boy, this is not gonna take any time at all. If all the answers are this short, I’m going to be sitting in the coffee shop, drinking my latte and texting in no time at all!”

Since this is the bottom of this Foolishness, the Bottom Line is…I hope the Georgia Department of Education teaches our modern students some Arithmetic.

Would I kid u?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sure Way To Reduce Crime

The State of Georgia has decided to ban smoking in its Correctional System (formerly known as Prison System … also formerly known as Da Jail House).

This has gotten the Smartfella? into some deep thinking and that is always an interesting few moments in the Smartfella’s? day. He has come up with a plan that is sure to reduce crime in the good ole USofA.

Step 1 … Get a billion or so dollars from the federal government to run a television advertising campaign to encourage criminals to take up smoking … Real Heavy Smoking. The campaign would look something like this…
• Thinking about robbing a bank? This is not a project that should be executed without careful planning of every devious detail. This is important. Make sure you take the time to properly plan your venture by having a few packs of cigarettes with all your buddies at the Bank Robbery Planning Meetings.
• Working hard at accumulating ill gotten gains for your retirement but feeling the strain of the everyday pressures of sneaking around and staying undercover? You need some time to yourself. You need a friend. You need a cigarette.
Step 2 … Once the bad guys are good and hooked on cigarettes they will think long and hard about continuing to ply their trade for fear of being incarcerated for many years without being able to light up a good smoke. They will be very apprehensive about having to walk that last mile without a Camel.

There is always the possibility that a large number of would-be criminals all at once giving up their chosen profession will be a glut on the law-abiding labor force but we will have to address that thorny issue when and if it happens. The Smartfella? can’t solve all the world’s problems in a single Foolishness…Or Is It? posting.

Having to come up with solutions for all of the world’s ills really puts a lot of pressure on me. It would be a lot easier if I smoked.

Would I kid u?

Sunday, November 08, 2009

This One Is Serious!

This is a serious Foolishness…Or Is It? about down right serious foolishness, seriously.

What if … I came to you and asked for a major ongoing donation to me personally that I would use to pay for the college education of gifted students who would otherwise never be able to go to college without my funneling them the funds you generously donate to them through me?

What if … You found out after ten years of your continuing sacrifice on behalf of these very worthy students that I had been using your donations to preserve the habitat for giraffes in Africa? Would you be mad?

Sure you would be mad. You would probably say to me, “If you wanted me to donate my money to preserve the habitat for giraffes, you should have asked me for donations for giraffes. I may have given the money for the giraffes and I may not have given you the money for the giraffes but that ought to have been my decision.”

It is not a successful argument that the poor giraffes needed help. What is pertinent is it is your money and my asking for it for one specific purpose and using it for another specific purpose is misappropriation of your money.

This kind of thing has been going on for an awful long time in our local, state and federal governments. How long I don’t know. Did it start in George Washington’s first term? I like to think not but it well may have.

Did it start in the current federal government administration? It absolutely did not.

It is part of how we do things and how we do things is awfully wrong.

Want a current and continuing example from the State of Georgia? …
In today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution there is an article about how Georgia uses our “Trust Fund” monies. The article tells us …
“Lawmakers also created a Solid Waste Trust in 1992 to clean up scrap tire dumps, improve and expand solid waste collection and recycling, and eliminate open dumps on roadsides and along streams. Georgians shell out an additional $1 for each new tire they buy to pay for that effort.

In 2009, the fees brought in more than $16.38 million, but only $1.4 million will go toward cleanups.”

Did the paper find the only possible example of this kind of redirection of our taxes? You can bet there are hundreds or thousands of such examples but here are two more…
1) Hazardous Waste Trust Fund … $15,960,000 collected & $3,200,000 to be spent on Hazardous Waste.
2) Brain, Spinal Injury Trust Fund … $1,900,000 collected & $97,396 to be spent on Brain & Spinal Injuries.

Very appropriately the article says we need to put Trust back into Trust Funds.

Did I make all this up? Not this time. Go to … http://www.ajc.com/news/misused-fees-lead-state-189810.html and read all about it.

Would I kid u?

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The King Still Lives!

Listening to the election coverage Tuesday night and during one stretch, where I was not asleep, I heard a Talking Head make a slip of the tongue ... Or did she?

‘The results are in. Voters in (umpty ump) congressional district have chosen to be ruled by (Democrats/Republicans) for the next four years’.

It is not important which district it was, nor which party it was, the operative word is “ruled”.

I always thought we chose our Governmental Representation not our Rulers.

And I thought I knew what was going on.

Would I kid u?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Nelson Is Dead and Happy Is Out There Somewhere

I am old fashioned. I like the old days as exemplified by when Nelson Rockefeller got divorced and married Margaretta Large Fitler Murphy (otherwise known as Happy). By doing this divorce thing it is generally agreed that he ruined his chance to become a presidential candidate in 1964.

That was then and this is now … shucks. Now I have to listen to a talking head on TV saying that she admired the manner in which David Letterman handled his “situation”.

In Nelson and Happy’s day, David and his career as a late night entertainer would have been ruined. Now we have people saying they admire him and his manner handling.

Exactly what there is to admire about him and his manner handling is beyond old fashioned me. Does this speaking head “admire”…
 That he had his affairs with women that he had power over?
 That he had repeated affairs with various different women?
 That he made lots of jokes about his affairs and his women on his show?

Well the Smartfella? will get the last laugh when he sees David’s ratings fall like a rock. What’s that you say? You say his ratings are UP since he came “clean”? Can that possibly be?

I am so old fashioned that I am not Happy for David. I am surprised that David’s ratings are up. My being surprised proves how old fashioned I am.

Would I kid u?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I Have Not Been Notified, As Of Yet

I recently read an article that had a quote in it as follows…
“Some of these now-aging men believe they can improve their chances of getting government pensions and mental health care”.

Did you catch the phrase that triggered this Foolishness…Or Is It? posting?

If you zeroed in on “now-aging”, you are on the mark!

This phrase started the Smartfella? wondering about when is it that we begin to age. Silly me, I always thought that process was pretty automatic and started as soon as we were born. Guess I was wrong.

Now that I know that I have been wrong all these years it seems to me that there must be some kind of notification from a governmental agency to tell us that the Aging Process has started.

This is important stuff. It would not seem proper that the Aging Process would start unbeknownst to us. We ought to be properly informed of what is about to happen to us. We should have to sign a formal Receipt of Aging Notification.

Armed with this knowledge, is it possible to beat the system? Could we not prevent the Aging Process from putting its unwelcome hitch in our get-along? ...
•If it is done by the US Postal Service, can we move and not give a forwarding address?
•If it is done by Email, could we not find out the governmental agency that sends the emails and put a block into our Email Options to keep the bad news from getting to us?
•If it is done by Twitter, could we not … Hold on a minute! I think there must be a Federal Law that forbids using a Tweet to convey such a momentous life-changing message. All of you Twits out there reading this, don’t you worry none about your Tweets.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? has been the most difficult one for me to put together. This is very unsettling to me. My Foolishnesses usually flows from my fingers tips easily. Is it possible that my Aging Process has already started and there really is no Federal Government Notification Mechanism in place? If that be the case, it just does not seem fair.

Would I kid u?